Live From B&N

(Originally written 3/15/8)

As I type this, it is basically Saturday night, and here I sit, at a fucking Barnes & Noble. I am here because it’s my wife’s turn to host a night with her old college roommates. I have to admit, this is a bit odd for me to be trying to write in public. I had to buy a $2 bottle of fucking tea, so no one would give me shit for sitting here for 3 hours. See the sacrifices I make for you? I felt the urge to write, but had to vacate the house so T and her girlfriends can..I dunno…knit doilies..or listen to Jewel records or some such shit. I’m only here a few minutes, and I already know I landed a prime bit of real estate in the café. I am in a corner, facing out to the store. I suppose sitting right in the window would be prime real estate. But I would feel too much like I was in a fish bowl, and couldn’t get anything done. Unfortunately, I note I might have to move because there’s no damn outlet here.

I was really tempted to bring a water bottle full of rum, and mix it here with Coke. But I knew if I did that, I would have to break the seal, and wouldn’t want to leave my PC unattended. I don’t know the proper protocol in this situation. If I leave my PC just to take a quick squirt, will it be gone when I come back? I’m too chickenshit to even log onto their WiFi for fear of getting precious info stolen from my computer. And what would happen to all my pornography….. Pornography of course being my favorite album by an English band called The Cure. Perhaps you’ve heard of them?

I’m used to writing in the Kevolution Theory office, usually in lounge pants and ratty Homer Simpson slippers, with easy access to liquid inspiration-booze and the bathroom is right down the hall. Here, I have to work in public and sober, and try to hold it in. That directly crosses my “alone and blasted” style. So I am anxious to see how this turns out.

I have to admit I am not a fan of B&N. I used to manage a Borders music department many, many moons ago. So I always associated B&N as being the ‘bad guy’. In all honesty, I think Borders is better. I think the stores look better, and their music selection is way better. B&N just always struck me as very sterile & proper; to the point of boredom. I had some really good times at my Borders. Had a really good staff of music freaks around me. I still email my former assistant a few times a month. I also had some pretty shitty times, too. I had one employee who went on crack. Twice. No lie. However, there are no Borders nearby. But these are stories for another post. Or maybe this one if I think it sucks too much.

I find it a bit ironic that I struggle to write another piece in the company of well established authors. As I try to make you laugh, or worse yet think, I am surrounded by writers who have accomplished real feats of writing. Great writers. Brilliant minds. Gifted talents. Raging alcoholics. I suppose I could wander off and do some research into names I’ve always heard about but never actually read (HS Thompson, Burrows, that dude who wrote The Gas We Pass). Right now that seems like too much work. Plus I got shit sitting at home for months that I want to read, but just never find the time to read. That 3 year old Triple H workout book won’t read itself.

Right now, I am sure there are thousands of aspiring writers doing the same thing I am doing. Wondering if that hot chick over there is really giving me the eye. I kid, I kid. I suppose I should feel some sort of renewed inspiration with all this ‘literature’ around me. This is the first time I’ve used this PC outside of my home office. It’s a bit intimidating. I intentionally picked this spot (back to wall) so I wouldn’t feel like someone was looking over my shoulder. This is all kinda distracting to me, yet also a bit challenging. It’s almost as challenging as me trying to pry this fucking splinter out of one of my 3 typing fingers. Now I feel a new kinship with the established writers; we suffer for our art.

It’s funny I don’t consider myself to be a great reader, but I do consider myself to have a bit, just a small, smoldering speck of writing talent. I might sound like an ego maniac here, but I am one of my favorite writers. That’s OK to say, right? I really identify with myself. I have a lot in common with me. I would like to read more of my stuff. Problem is I have to write it first. And so the cycle continues.

This feels like I am a bit on display. Trying to write in public is distracting. I find myself wondering if that grey haired guy over there would dig my stuff. Or these Korean kids next to me. “Yes, excuse me, you kids speak English, right? I said YOU KIDS SPEAKA THE ENGLISH,RRIIGGGHHTTT?” Maybe I’ll just take this screen to some random customer and say, “Hey, can you tell me what you think about this?” Yes, then the next (semi) public place I will be writing from will be the police station across the street. Most great writers have had some sort of dust-up with Johnny Law, so I would get that going for myself, too. Yea, it’s a good thing I kept the rum at home. Although I do wonder how it would taste with this lemonade black tea I am nursing.

Right now I just made a move up. My battery was dying quicker than the Flyers playoff hopes. I did move into a front window/fishbowl position facing a corner now. But the key here is I apparently have the only accessible outlet in the café. I am getting used to this pecking order thing. I am one table away from the main entrance. And at that table this whole time has been this suspicious, foreign looking guy. He only leaves to smoke a quick butt or grab something from the café. I can’t tell what he’s writing, but I see print (can’t tell if it’s English or not) and I see the occasional diagram in his notes. And since you’re all thinking it, but too chickens hit to say it, yes, I think he could be a terrorist.

He just got up. Now his notes are tantalizingly mere feet from my prying eyes (“You can’t hide/your prying eyes”). I could swoop in like Indiana Jones and take a quick look. Maybe even snake a page for “further investigation”. Man, I gotta pee, but no way I’m leaving my PC here, especially after I just wrote the above. He could read it!

Good lord, listen to that shit. So I see writing in public makes me paranoid. Guess I still got a way to go. All in all, this has been a good experience. While I’ve been writing this, I’ve also written 2 other things (Bikers & Tuesdays With Maury). I had all three open, so I would jump back & forth as I got tired, or had an idea for another post. It’s the first time I’ve worked like that, and it seems to fit my ADD quite well. Now what was I just talking about?

I do feel very nerdy for coming to a B&N on a fucking Saturday night. It’s like throwing up the white flag that I have any sort of life. I should be used to that after all, I’ve been married for a while now. ZING! Back to topic, I guess it could have been worse, I could have gone to the library tonight to try this. I guess that makes B&N look pretty damn edgy, huh?

My bladder is telling me it’s time to wrap this up. As much as I think I am on a roll, I just don’t wanna leave this PC out with 3 pretty good (in my opinion) articles out to just disappear. I will head home. Poor Bau, being alone with all that Estrogen right now. Actually, I am pretty sure he’s trying to hump one of the girls. As always, thanks for reading, and look for some more new stuff later on this week.