Marketing Coors Light

(Originally written 6/5/8)

Why is drinking Coors Light like making love in a canoe?
They’re both fucking close to water.

Right, so you’re thinking why in the blue hell would I want to do a marketing campaign post? Well, the question I ask you is why would you want to read about it? Well, I think I can make it interesting and funny. I think I can use my 8 years in music marketing (back when there was good music to market-ZING!) to provide you some key insight. Plus I hate their shitty beer. And I get the vibe I’m running out of steam of the “pity me” posts.

I don’t like Coors Light. Never have and never will. I think it’s a truly shitty beer. And this ain’t coming from no beer snob; I had more than my fair share of Natty Ice Light at Dover this past weekend. There is no bigger bummer than to go to a party and find out that the only beer there is CL. Yuck, that ain’t no party. How can you get fired up for that? I have been to those parties, and have actually declined the fucking CL and drank soda or something lame. For some reason CL has positioned itself as the hip beer fit adults should drink. I have 2 problems with this. 1) CL is barely a ‘beer’ and 2) most of the fit adults I have seen drinking it are just fooling themselves. It’s like Andy Reid wearing UnderArmour. It just ain’t right. Just because you drink CL doesn’t mean you can now go and wolf down the bowl of Cheez-Itz.

Lately, Coors Light has been all about marketing everything but their actual beer. I have a big problem with that. It’s nice to have a few bells and whistles and all, but when there ain’t no main substance, I got a problem. Their first big innovation was labels that are cold sensitive. So when the beer is cold, the mountains on the label turn blue. Whoop-de-fucking-do. Your rat ass beer is now cold, go enjoy it, junior.

Next it was something that is pretty useful. When you pop open a can, there is now an extra vent that allows you to have an even pour. OK, that’s a good idea. But I think Mickey’s Big Mouth had this problem beat years ago. I think if I was forced to drink a CL, I would opt for the can, just to hope to get a better taste with the aluminum.

CL really seems to pride itself on being ‘cold’. Duh. The more hardcore alcoholics out there will take me to task by saying that some beers are meant to be drunk warm. Most beers in Britain are served warm. To which I reply, the only time you will see warm beer come across my lips is when I am vomiting it out. Surely you remember all the ‘ice train’ commercials CL airs during football games. “O look, it’s the shitty beer train!” Funny how CL rarely says anything about the taste. Cold shitty beer is still shitty beer.

Light beers are tricky if you’re a dude. I maintain real men don’t drink CL. There are a few other options, though. I think Bud Light is actually the best selling beer in the US. I can’t drink Bud too much, I get that “Bud Mud” the day after, and that is never pleasant. I think it’s OK to drink Miller Lite. Again, I think it’s marketing, and they’ve done a good job saying how they have the lowest calories, carbs, and won’t make your nuts shrivel. I cop to going after a case the first Sunday of fantasy football. Amstel Light is a high faluting choice. Anyone ever see a regular Amstel? No, because they were smart and never made one? Why? Because they didn’t want their Light to look lame. That is some pretty shrewd marketing right there. I like Corona (hey, if that the sound of beer snobs looking down their noses?), but that’s light enough to drink, there’s really no need for a light. But the chicks seem to dig it. I haven’t tried the new Heineken Light, but the commercial with the Pussycat Doll song does a good job of making the bottle look, well, I don’t know. The commercial looks all pretty-like. That sure looks like one happening beer.

I would be remiss to leave out all the beers like Beast, Natty Ice, etc. Let’s face it, you’re really not drinking those beers to keep slim. You’re drinking those beers to get hammered, and maybe some attractive person is also drinking it, and you might be able to go out of your league for one night. Now that’s fucking marketing right there. If I was in charge of say Beast Ice Light, here would be the major points of my campaign

You’re not drinking this to be healthy
You don’t have a ton of money
But you will get FUBARed
And maybe that hot chick over there is getting FUBARed, too
You might be able to hit a homerun. Or at least score a BJ

And I would make sure any models I used were human looking. The guys would have beer bellies, and the girls would be the next door type, not the supermodel type. Really, is it that hard? Now if you will excuse me, I have to go get some PBR for my old lady.