Windfall

(Originally written 5/26/8)

Yes friends, I bring you great news. It appears my prayers have been answered. I have hit the proverbial goldmine. So fuck you work a day Joes. I am above you. You wanna know why? Well, just check out this email I have conveniently copied and posted here. I believe its apparent authenticity will shine through to you jealous bastards:

Dear Beloved, I presumed that all is well with you and your family. Please let this do not be a surprise proposal to you because i got your contact information from the international directory in few weeks ago before i decided to contact you on this magintude and lucrative transaction for our future survival in life.Moreover, i have laid all the solemn trust in you beforei decided to disclose this successful & confidential transaction to you.As the Account / Audit Manager of our bank, i have decided to contact you over this financial transaction worth the sum of DOLLARS($19.500,000.00 ) for our success.This is an abandoned sum that belongs to one of our bank foreign customers who died along with his entire family through plane crash disaster since few years ago.Meanwhile i was very fortune to came across the deceased file when i was arranging the old and abandoned customers files in other to sign and submit to the entire bank management for an official re-documentation and audit of the yearagainst 2007.
Be informed clearly that it was stated in our banking rules and regulations which was signed lawfully that if such fund remains unclaimed till the period of 4 years started from the date when the beneficiary died, the money will be transferred into the treasury as an unclaimed fund.As a honour and advantage bestowed to our foreign customers base on the rules guideing our bank, it was stated obviously that if you are not a Burkina Faso citizen, you have the absolute authority to claim the fund despite your differences from the country of origin of the deceased. So the request of you as a foreigner is necessary to apply for the claim and transfer of the fund smoothly into your reliable bank account as theNEXT OF KIN to the deceased.
PERCENTAGE RATIO: note that 35% being will be your share in respect of your assistance and account provide for the tranfer, 55% will be my share being the pioneer of the business while the rest 10% will be used to install a joint company in your country which will bear our name in particular andwhatever profit made out from this company will be used in helping the less privileges, mothrless babies home and charity organization in the world.If you are really sure of your trustworthy, accountability and confidentiality on his transaction, contact me and agree that you will not change your mind to cheat or disappoint me when the fund have getting into your account.
Besides you should not entertain any fear because i am sure of the success as an insider in the bank ok.Please reply with the assurance, include your private telephone and fax numbers necessary for effective and easy communication in this transaction.As soon as you reply , call me through my private telephone number indicated above so that i will let you know the next step to follow in order to finalize this transaction immediately.I expect your urgent communication
Yours sincerely,Mr. Edwin George


So let’s analyze this windfall. First, let’s look at the heading. I don’t think I’ve ever been addressed as ‘beloved’ in any email, so right there, that rings of charm and honesty. It’s nice to see that this Mr. George fella has assumed that all is well with me and the fam. My, how gregarious of the old chap. And it’s nice to see he prepares me for the inevitable surprise contained in his email. Hmm, should I be concerned that he doesn’t capitalize his first proper ‘I’? Nah, surely that is a mistake in his busy life of alerting strangers of their dumb good luck. Let’s read on. Good ol’ Edwin sure likes to use big words. Hell. Some of them are like 8-9 letters long! Surely, this email must be of utmost importance. I shall endeavor to read on. Shit, this guy should have a MySpace page that barely no one reads.

Hmm, he has again failed to capitalize a proper ‘I’. OK, I’ll let that slide, and surely cast no doubt on the validity of this email. Hmm, I guess ‘beforei’ is some sort of new Italian word. Man, good ol’ Edwin must be bilingual or something. Man of many talents. And wow ‘dollars’ is all in caps! That draws my attention even more. This has certainly got to be on the level. I won’t even bother checking Snopes to verify the validity of this claim. Hello easy street. I read on.

Wait a minute. 19 FUCKING MILLION DOLARS??? Left to me by a total stranger? Boy o boy, today is my lucky day. I will never have to work again. Imagine the luck. Ha ha ha, you readers are fucking loooooserssss. I can tell you now I hated entertaining your pathetic asses for so long. I’m outta here. You common Joes can slave away at your menial jobs as I lavish in the lap of luxury. I never know luxury before, but I will find its lap now.

I am so sad to hear about this plane crash, Edwin. But pony up the bucks, huh? Maybe we can step up from this nail polish of a (coconut) rum we swill down every weekend to numb our fears. And Edwin, thanks so much for your diligence to go through the deceased file. And I like the way you spell honor with a ‘u’. Very classy, and makes me hard to doubt you. After that, you kinda start using some big words that I don’t really understand. So that means you are more highly evolved than myself, and I pay rapt attention to the rest of your unsolicited email.

Wait, wait, wait. I see now you are throwing numbers around. I did not know math would be involved. Lemme check this again. WAIT A MINUTE MOTHERFUCKER. You get 55% fucking per cent. O wait a minute, fo shizzle. You reach out to me, dangle a carrot, and tell me you get 55%? For what? Sending me an email? With no pornographic attachments? Jackass, I get better emails every day from my fantasy football leagues. You gotta work harder. Edwin, I am starting to doubt you now. “Pioneer of the business”? Hey, let’s check the ego at the door. I am really starting to not like you, and your 55% cut.

If I read this right-keeping in mind I am drinking nail polish-I get only 10%? O no, no, no. 10% of 19 million dollars is…is..fuck, where’s the Goddamn calculator….is..gazintas…195,000? Whoa, Edwin, it seems I am getting the shaft here. You tell me there’s 19.5 mil just hanging out there for me, and my cut is 195,000? Again, I am no math major, but even a meth major will tell me I am getting royally screwed here. Hello? One of my relatives I never even knew existed just died here. How about a little pity here? I am sure poor old Uncle Miltie or poor old Aunt Hildie worked long and hard to bequeath me this fantastic sum of money. Back off, vulture!

My short term interest is still aroused, and your email is perfect at a scant 4 paragraphs, so I continue reading, as I burn twenties to see my already lit PC screen. Wait a minute, my measly 10% bank account will also bear your name? OK, I don’t really feel comfortable about this now, Ed. I mean, once I get my 195,000, it’s gone to pay the mortgage, credit cards and certain loans from the ‘Italian-American’ club. And what’s this about the “less privileged”? Hey fucker, I haven’t had a real job in over a year, so I can’t say there are much “less privileged” than me. Motherless babies? Um, wait a minute, how does this happen? Fatherless babies, yea. But ‘motherless’? Ya know, Edwin, I am starting to doubt your claims. Cheat or disappoint you? Ah, Edwin, if that is in fact your real name, you, sir are starting to disappoint me. But you have 1 more paragraph to go, so let’s see if you can win me over.

I see you claim to be an insider at the bank, which is all well and good, but I can’t help than be a little troubled that you once again failed to capitalize “I”. Aside, I should send you all my personal info? Can I send you my Social Security number as well? What about my bank account number? You want my mom’s maiden name as well? Which, by the way is Queterfilgianowisccz. Damn, I sure could use the 195 grand.

Alright, Eddie-and I assume since we will be in business together I can call you that-you got me .I am sure if will have to send you a princely amount for some sort of handling or some such. That’s more than worth it to get the 195 Gs. Today is my lucky day.

Bonus Material
Commentary
Yes, the above is a legit email that I got from one of my varied email accounts. This is one of the most sarcastic posts I have done in a while, and better yet, I think you all know that. My favorite joke is the “MySpace page barely no one reads”. I’ve buzzogged this post as it’s gone on, which is a few hours now (it’s 2:24 AM right now)And I had to check conveniently and authenticity through dictionary.com because I fucked up my spelling of them so bad.