Halloween Costume Crisis

So here’s the deal, it seems life has thrown us a curveball, on this most holy and sacred of days. Tonight is the annual Halloween party. As we were out shopping for our costumes, T uttered those dreaded words, “I think I am getting sick.” And she was right. She soldiered through yesterday, but will now be recouping for the next few days. I know she’s really sick, I see all the germs she coughed up crawling all over the keyboard.
Now, of course I can’t go. I can’t leave my sickened pookie in her hour of need. And as long as I can watch an old B&W horror flick tonight, I will be OK. But what if I was going? So, under that pretense, let’s assume I am going.
I think we had a really good idea with our costumes this year. It’s retro, but still has a very 2009 edge. I think they will still work well in 2010, but be a bit more relevant this year. She is unable to go, so now I’m stuck; I need ideas. Much how I like my women, the cheaper, the better. And I obviously don’t have a lot of time to throw something together. In what I’m sure is an idea that other, far less talented bloggers have tried to execute, and much like Jack Bauer, I have decided to do a stream of consciousness, real time debate of ideas as they hit me. It’s almost like you will be right here beside me. By the way, was that you that just totally cut one? Dude.
1:27 my first rush of ideas are pretty existential (look it up, doofus). Low key on the actual costume, but more so in the execution. My first though is to go handing out flyers saying that I lost my dog. The flyers will have pictures of Bauer on them. I could bring an empty dog leash. Or does anyone know where I can get those stiff dog leashes for the ‘invisible dog’ that were all the rage when we were growing up? After a few hours, I will call my sick wife and drag her and the dog out in the rain to deliver the dog to the house.
Pros; very little costume on my part, just make a few flyers
Cons; I don’t think the hosts will appreciate a wet dogs running through their clean house, Bau getting spooked by the people and costumes. O, and dragging T out in the rain, that’d be a con as well
1:30 same basic idea, except hand out flyers saying that my wife has disappeared. I’d put our phone number, and encourage people to call the house. I s’pose this could have been a great idea around the time of The Runaway Bride a few years ago.
Pros; very little costume on my part, just make a few flyers
Cons; drunks calling my house and waking T up
1:32 turning one of those big brown paper lawn bags inside out, possibly spraying it black-don’t ask me where-and tape the monkey from last year’s costume to the bottom. Go as the monolith from Planet of the Apes
Pros; I am sure it will be quite a struggle to turn one of those bags inside out (to hide the print on it) if I am too lazy to spray it black
Cons; paint would most likely not dry in time, people constantly asking, “What are you supposed to be?” trying to pee
1:34 and I like this idea the best so far. Go as a single guy. I don’t wear my ring and carry a stick to “beat all the women off of me.” I would also memorize 20 or so corny come on lines.
Pros; very little costume on my part, possibly get laid
Cons; more mental work than actual costume
1:38 go as Stretch Armstrong. I actually had this idea before as well
Pros; seems funny enough
Cons; trying to find XXXL sweats –in flesh tone no less-to pull this off, trying to hold my drink, not tripping over myself
1:39 going as balloon boy. Same idea with the yard bag, just write something like ‘Henne’ and ‘stuff to put in attic’ on the side. I suppose I could finagle it so that I actually disappear in the box like I’m hiding.
Pros; Seemingly minor prep, very current reference, I could pass out for a bit to recharge, and no one would know
Cons; the pain of hearing people go, “I don’t get it.”, possibly ending up the attic regardless
1:51 on a totally different thing, I come across this Balloon Boy costume on the net
http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2009/10/22/Sales-of-balloon-boy-costumes-take-flight/UPI-23971256270264/
2:01 I discover Soupy Sales just died.
Pros; can’t get much more recent that a few hours ago,
Cons; too embarrassed to do a Google Image Search to see what he looked like, the pain of 1) no one knowing who the hell Soupy Sales is 2) Thusly not caring if he just died, not a big fan of dressing up as dead celebrities
2:15 go as the Unknown Comic
Pros; all I need is a bag to put over my head
Cons; no one under the age of 32 know who the Unknown Comic is, who wants to wear a suit to a party, chance of getting beer and vomit on my only good suit
2:18 go as the State Representative from North Dakota
Pros; no one knows who that is anyway so I can totally make it up
Cons; no one knows who that is anyway so I can make it up, again the wearing of a suit, beer and vomit on suit, the chance of getting into a heated debate over Prop 182
2:27 going as an earlicker. Go wearing nothing special. When some one asks me who I am, I tell them to lean in as I whisper, “The earlicker” in their ear and lick their ear
Pros; uh……
Cons; I would be licking someone’s damn ear, possibility of getting tongue stuck on earring, likelihood of getting slugged, just being overall disgusting.
2:28 I officially worry myself.
3:29 Why doesn’t College Humor have any damn Halloween pics up? Those college kids come up with some great ideas.
4:00 I am really considering just wrapping myself in TP and going as a mummy
Pros: Seems relatively easy
Cons; When I get wet, it will just fall apart, having less TP for Mischief Night
4:31 All hope is lost
Tune in tomorrow for more.