Wedding Survival

So we went to a wedding last week. I say ‘went’, but I don’t know of any guy who willing goes; if you ask a guy what he did over the weekend, he will most likely say, “I was dragged to this wedding…” Not that I don’t like weddings. Sure I am not a traditional dress up kind of guy, but I really don’t mind for weddings. In fact, I even have a ‘wedding tie’; a supacool Looney Tunes characters all in hearts. Sure, it’s most likely a Valentine’s Day tie, but it still works for weddings. It must bring good luck, every wedding I’ve worn it to, the couple is still together. Hmm, but I didn’t wear it to mine, hmm…. Since this wedding was taking place on the beach, I was able to get away with no coat or Looney Tune tie. I mean, who wears a coat and tie to a beach wedding, right? Answer; just about every other guy but me.

I think most people-ahem, guys-don’t like going to weddings. They’re always on a weekend, when sports are taking place. There might be some travel time involved, plus getting all gussied up. A lot of times, it’s for someone from your girl’s side taking the plunge. And those people tend to be annoying. (Certainly, not in this case.)

I think weddings kind of get a bad rap because of the stuff that never happens. Namely, I want to go to one wedding-just one-where a huge brawl breaks out. I want to go a wedding where the animosity between both families is palpable. And it simmers just below the surface until the spark known as “open bar” comes, and then it’s chairs thrown across the room, windows shattered, knives and guns drawn. Everyone should have one wedding story like that.

From the guy perspective-do you really expect to get the female perspective from me?-weddings are usually on the list of fun things to do right after cleaning the gutters, picking up dog poo and hanging drywall. If you’re married, it’s a nice little chance to rekindle the flame. Aw, cuteness. Somewhere, in a dark recess of your mind, you are thinking, “Yea, this wedding wasn’t as good as ours.” I know, I know, it’s sad and selfish, but I guarandamntee you every married couple is thinking the same thing. It doesn’t matter, you could be at a royal wedding, sitting on bejeweled chairs and eating off of silverware made of ivory, and it still doesn’t compare to your own. If you’re married, you know what I mean.

There is a hardwired, unwritten code when married guys to a wedding. We always have to rag on the groom. I believe there are thousands of iterations of the same basic 4 jokes. (My favorite one is to take the couple aside and say, “Look, this is the best piece of advice I can give you. You can work through anything-anything-as long as you keep in mind those three little words. (Insert husband’s name), you’re right.’” Kills every time.) This is followed by a manly, hearty laugh. Then it’s usually rigmarole like “welcome to the club.” It’s all good natured ribbing. But, I have a confession. We’re not kidding. We’re really asking why have the cow when the milk is free. We hate to see a fellow brother take the plunge. So what better way to initiate him than by busting his nuts? Actually, we’re just looking for someone to commiserate with.

If you’re single, you’re just there to take a shot at the other single girls. They say there is no better place to hook up with chicks than a wedding. Don’t ask me, I wouldn’t know. But I am inclined to at least say, “Man, if I was single, I’d be banging ALL these chicks.”

The seating arrangement is always a huge hassle. When it’s your wedding, it’s a struggle to align all the personalities at a table so everyone can have fun and get along. For example, you don’t want to sit Uncle Jerry, who is a die hard deer hunter and most likely wearing a camo hat, next to your friend Rainbow, who is a pasty skinned vegan. Sure, for entertainment purposes, it’s gold, but you need people to get along. You want to keep the ages within a certain rage, sit work friends with fellow work friends, cousins with cousins (South excluded here), etc. There is also another key element you must take into consideration; the position of the bar. You definitely want your younger partiers closer to the bar. The later the shindig goes, the more likely the elderly will be trampled in a mad dash for flaming shots. Aunt Enid ain’t too quick on the walker these days. Also, be aware of where the extinguishers and fire exits are.

There were 4 couples at our table. 3 couples got along, the other ones didn’t. Dude was on his Crackberry always checking the Yankee score or some such. He was checking his phone like he was a 12 year old girl texting her BFF. It was kind of embarrassing; I even saw him using <3 for hearts. His chick was a vegan, and giving the waiter a hard time about menu options. Look, you can choose to eat whatever you want, but don’t cop a ‘tude when the vegan offering isn’t to your liking. Whatever, we all can’t get along, but we had a good time with the other couples. Plus, we were pretty close to the bar. Another tried and true line at a wedding with an open bar is to get up, address the table and say, “Anyone want anything to drink? My treat.” The drunker you are, the funnier this will be.

As in life, booze is key at weddings, it can go a long way to breaking the ice. I am a naturally shy guy. But get enough rocket fuel in me, and my tie is around my head like Rambo. I will give you a tip here as well. ALWAYS tip the bartender. On your first round, throw at least a fiver at them. Of course, make sure they see it. You will look irreparably cheap if they catch you swiping a 5 out of the glass only to put it back in. The cheap among you might say, “But if it’s open bar, why should I tip?” The answer is simple, dullard. Look at it like this. You are generally going to be drinking above your normal level of booze. If you usually choke down Coors Light in the privacy of your home, you will certainly step up to Corona, Heineken, etc. Most weddings don’t serve their wine out of boxes. So look at it this way, I am going to drink an excess of pricey liquor, so karma says you pay it forward. If you drink the equivalent of $50 of rum, if you tip $20, you’re still $30 up. Plus, most bartenders don’t make great tips at weddings. So you’re gonna send a message; take care of me, and I will take care of you. On your next round, visibly slip at least another 5, maybe live large and tip a fin. I promise you, soon enough, just the sight of you stumbling to the bar will get you quick service.

I used the above strategy at this wedding. Soon enough, I wasn’t within 5 feet of the bar, and guy was taking care of me. I always ordered 2 coconut rum and cokes, and occasionally I would order one for the wife, too. (Hi-O!) It got to the point, the guy would make 2 drinks and tell me, “This one is yours.” That my friends, is service. So try it at the next wedding you go to. You can thank me later.

So the next time some friends take the plunge, you won’t be dragged down with them. Just use some of the above helpful advice, and you’ll be OK.