Snow Day

Originally written circa 2005

Well, well, well, after a very nice January, February comes in like the proverbial lion. And by proverbial lion, I mean a cold son ufa bitch. And with that brings our first real snow of the season. And that means, hold on, out first inch and a half of snow, let’s call everything off. Somewhere along the way, snow days got easier to score the day off of work/school. Now, please indulge me in a brief game of “Back when I was a kid…”

Back when I was a kid, it could snow all night. It would be freezing, with white out conditions. It was always the same drill. Get up, look out the window, and guess how much snow had fallen by seeing how high it was against a car. I would be satisfied that it had snowed enough that we would have off of school. Bound out of my room, and head right to the transistor radio, to hear if they said our school was closed. It was the equivalent of watching the Lotto drawing for kids. You sit there, thinking “Please call my number. It’s coming up! I feel good about it. Here we go.” And more times than not, they would skip by my school. It felt as thought every school in the county had off except mine. Mumble “Goddamn” under my breath, as my mom put plastic bags on my feet before putting them in my boots.

OK, so that’s my recollection. I am sure it’s a bit embellished. But what I know I am not embellishing is how snow days are handled nowadays. Kids have got it easy. I remember last year, they cancelled school the night before a predicted snow storm. Yea, that’s right, on a guess that there might be some snow tomorrow, they cancelled school. Low and behold, everyone wakes up and it’s sunny and 40. Just the mere prediction of snow sends hordes of motards scrambling to the supermarkets & convenience stores. It’s like a 2 inch snow will somehow trap a family in the house for days on end. Milk will run dry. Bread will be scarce and traded like cigs in the neighborhood. What the fuck is wrong with these people? The snow is not going to be so bad that you are going to be snowed in for a week.

I think this fear of snow in the Philadelphia started with a sudden & vicious ice storm in 93, I believe it was. It wasn’t really expected. Black ice was the buzz word created at this storm. The news was full of images of accidents on the roads. Cars were swerving into each other, off the road, over the dividers, bouncing off of parked cars, etc. Even at my young age, I realized that the weather wasn’t so much to blames, as it was motarded drivers. I believe this was the storm that the term motard was created. Often, it’s not the weather to blame, it’s the fucking idiots that don’t know how to drive that’s the problem.

So what was my point? Now the mention of bad weather is enough to send everyone into a tizzy. They start closing stuff down the night before. Maybe I am just jealous that it could snow 12 feet when I was a kid, and I still had to truck to school; where now, just an eighth inch of ice is enough to paralyze a city. Ever wonder how they close schools? Well, since Mrs. Missile is a teacher, lemme tell you. There is some sort of secret society that meets in some clandestine location in the middle of a snowy night. They decide to close schools because, what the hell, you already have the whole summer off, so what’s a day or 2 to go skiing? This triggers a phone chain, anywhere between 4-5 am. So the phone will ring at 5 am. I know what that means; she has the day off. And I will have to work. And since the call came so early, and I will let it burn me up that she has off, I won’t be able to fall back asleep. I am now even more grumpy in the morning, if you can imagine. Right about now, the astute among you point out that I can work at home. And yes, that is true. But there is no snow or ice between the bedroom and Missile Command to stop me from working.

In that respect, I am just like you. I made my way to work. I don’t get that day off. There are tons of things to do anyway, so it’s a great time to catch up on those tasks I never do. So please shed no tears for me. We’re both working. You’re working with that special breed of customer who suddenly had that urge to buy a copy of Mariah Carey’s Butterfly or Ultimate Barry Manilow. I worked about 9 years in record retail, I clearly recall working my share of snow days. The store would never be closed in the morning. No, you always had to scrape off your beater and careen into work. Unlike the secret society referenced above, there wasn’t/isn’t such a thing in retail. No, you always went in to open. That society never hid. That decision was made by some jackoff who sat in an office somewhere where the weather wasn’t a factor.

There you are, most likely by yourself. Staring out the window, slowly watching your car disappear under a drift of puffy, white snow. There were like 7 cars in the parking lot, because there were that many poor souls who had to open up the Sam Goody, the pizza place, Toys R Us, etc. I would call other stores saying “Can you believe they had us open today?” Sure, there was stuff to get done, but when you know everyone else has a snow day, the inspiration was hard to come by. At least you could play whatever the hell you’d want to, how ever many times you wanted to. Then, like a lighthouse tower in the fog, lights would suddenly emerge in the parking lot. Shit! There really are some idiots who want to buy CDs today! These shoppers were always ‘special’. I mean, why do you risk your neck for a piece of music if it’s isn’t urgent? So they would have us stay open till like noon (or the next forecasted blast of snow), and tell us we could go home. In the end, we spent more money on opening the store (light, power, heat, etc) that the 81.32 we brought in could cover. I feel your pain. You’re stuck with the public, I’m stuck with my wife. I call that a draw.

I do get some perverse joy in watching the news. Here I sit in my warm & toasty house, watching some poor reporter on the side of the road, telling me how shitty it is outside. And every report is the same. The reporters are by a major road, supermarket, Home Depot, etc. We see interviews of people scurrying into the Gulp-N-Blow to get that last gallon of milk. Or they’re scurrying into the hardware store to pick up shovels & salt. And just a word if you are going to buy salt. Please make sure it’s the pet friendly kind. And the reporters usually manage to stumble across some yahoo who is running or skiing in the snow. Said winter athlete goes on about how this is the best weather, and they wish there were more days like this. These people deserve to be run over by a plow. Get the fuck back inside the house Frosty, you’re not wanted here.

Snow days are great to crack into that bottle of booze that’s just been sitting there for years (which, for the record, I would like to state I have not done today, since I don’t have off. I do have morals.), put in those DVDs that you have been meaning to watch a while now. Get into a book, or take the pooch for a walk in the snow. I guess there’s certain songs that work for you as well. My 2 favorite “snow songs” are Snow Day by Donald Fagen and Sojourn’s Snow. Go check them out, as they seem to always to the trick for me.

I am sure you have your own Snow Day rituals or traditions. You could be like just about everyone else, and not share with the group. Or you can feel free to post your favorite things to do below. Either way. I’m off to shovel before it freezes our cars to the ground. That’s why I love the summer; you can’t shovel heat.