Wisdom

Originally written on 3/22/7, my birthday

The closer you live to a train crossing, the more likely you are to hit a train every fucking time by

Dogs can pretty much eat anything. Sure they might puke it back out in a few hours, or poop strange colors for days, but, still, technically, they can chow anything

While some grey has crept into my scruff over the years, I have found exactly one grey hair in my head, which I promptly pulled the sumbitch right out

All those kids I mock at the mall for dressing different and wearing the t-shirt of the band of the week were me 19 years ago

The older you get, the harder it is to have true enthusiasm

The older you get, the easier you become jaded

The Olympics are a waste of time and money. (Quick, name me 5 famous American Olympians. And saying the 1980 hockey team doesn’t count) Congrats, you trained all your life to win a gold medal in the three man luge. Now go back to greeting the white trash at the Walmart in Bumhicksville. The Special Olympics mean far more to those athletes

If Christina Applegate ever met me, she would totally fall for me. In a minute

It’s my experience that 95% of people don’t realize all they have and are ever truly grateful for it. Seriously, take a day, walk around your place, and be thankful for all in your life. Somewhere out there is a homeless vet who did more for this country than I ever did, and has less

I fucking had this look long before Nickelback, damn it

One of the things wrong with this country is that it’s gone the way of the few. If 4 jackoffs have a problem with something, well, then we have to change everything around

Whenever you can, support the little guy

After 21, there pretty much aren’t any big birthdays left

Rarely does the beer taste as sweet as the cheap beer you used to get wasted on when you were 15

If you really want to think “green” and save the planet, the solution is simple. Don’t have kids. All these fucktards that drive their 4 kids to lacrosse practice in a big ass SUV with Planet Earth bumper stickers on it are hypocrites

The coolest car in the history of TV is KITT from Knight Rider. One day I hope to be rich enough to buy it. Second place; Speed Buggy

Summer is the best season off all. And if you disagree, you’re a motard. Buffalo knows what I’m talking about

NASCAR hasn’t been the same without Dale Earnhardt

The best think to drink before going to bed after a night of drinking is Gatorade

The best thing to eat before going to bed is some cottage cheese and then peanut butter. You will have vivid dreams the first few weeks

No matter how bummed out I get, I just need a few hours looking at the bay or ocean to be a new man. For a few hours anyway

People who park in handicapped spots, even just to “run in”, are true scum of the earth

If there is a God, and he’s Buddha, we’re all pretty screwed

You shouldn’t live to work, you should work to live. When I hurt my knee a while back, I noticed I became more grumpy when all the things I liked to do were taken away from me.

I don’t write near enough

The decision makers at the top of big companies are rarely in touch enough with the real world to see the true impact

If you ever had anyone write a song about you, well, that is awesome

I try not to have regrets, but I do regret not going away to college, and I do regret never learning to play an instrument

You don’t spend enough time with your dog. Ever

Life should be the relentless pursuit of a good time. That’s my motto, and I try to stick to it

Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, try to have a good time. It might not make sense in certain situations, but at least give it a try

Getting older means peeing in the middle of the night. Sometimes more than once

Added Commentary
This was written on my birthday last year. I can see I was in a reflective mood. I can see how some of these one liners have pretty much been themes in later klogs. I can vouch that a lot of the "getting older" ones are still too Goddamned true. I still eat cottage cheese and peanut butter before bed most nights, but the dreams have long since stopped. How ironic that line about the decisions made by the head honchos of all these corporations are rarely in tough with the real world. That's even more true today. Call me Kreskin. I am also guessing that this was a clearinghouse post. I had all these ideas floating around my head, but they weren't fully developed enough to merit their own post. Lately, it's been hard for me to hold to that relentless pursuit motto. I have learned now that it takes money. And I have failed miserably at that 'whatever you're doing have a good time' thing. And I know I am still so right about Christina falling for me....