I am really pretty stupid when it comes to the Internet. I would have loved to have gotten a sweet domain name, copyrighted it, and have the money to own my own island. But I was such a loser, the only domain I snagged was HotNakedChikcs.com. That’s right, I didn’t even spell it right. Well, for the record, I did “own” WEAMissile.com, the last edition of which still shows up via Google search.
So I don’t get Twitter; don’t get it at all. I think it serves to make every asshole seem self important. Yes, because I have to know that you are currently at the supermarket. You may think it’s edgy and deep to post something like “why do they call it a supermarket when there is nothing super here? And where’s the milk?” In your mind, you may think it’s some sort of post modern slice of witty brilliance. And your friends think you’re a self righteous dipshit. And an unfunny one, at that.
Face it, no one has to know your every move. “Gee, I see Joe ‘got up’, ‘went to work’, ‘at the game’, ‘having a drink with the boys’ and ‘tired & going to bed.’” Wow, Joe, you are quite happening and make my day of “jerking off like a rabbit” rather shallow in comparison. I know by and large Twitter is a by-product of having cell phones with net access. And maybe this is sort of off topic, but shouldn’t the past sense of Twitter be “twat” and not “tweet”? Maybe “twit”? Just saying.
Anyway, I really think Twitter is mostly full of self important douchebags. So maybe you will be surprised to find out that I am on Twitter. (I know, I know, what’s next, I’m on Facebook…er, wait a minute) I am on Twitter to follow 4 people; 3 are musicians and one is a hockey show. I check in from time to time, and that’s it. I. myself, have never twatted or tweeted, or twitted once. I just follow a few off the radar type people.
I don’t like that Twitter limits you to 140 characters. Actually, for some people, it’s a godsend, because it limits their normally longwinded monologs. On the other hand, when you happen to be a gifted and loquacious writer-such as say, myself-you can find it to be quite constricting. I would like to think I have more to say and offer than a measly 140 letters will limit my brilliance to. (Already I’m past 410, and aren’t we all the better for it?)
I don’t like that Twitter seems to be like a voluntary giving up of your rights. It wasn’t all that long ago that everyone was crying for more privacy. Now, with Twitter, you can blab to the whole internet that you are on vacation. Your house is empty, but the fridge is full. Doesn’t it seem a little invasive? Sure, if you don’t twat about your actual whereabouts, it’s no issue, but it seems most of the shitheads on there openly tell everyone where they are all the friggin’ time. A friend of mine invited me to a site called Loopt, where people can see wherever you are, based on the GPS on your phone? Huh? Again, I got nothing to hide, but that seems pretty invasive. But, hey if you wanna give that kind of info out, then I got no problem knowing you’re at Taco Bell or 7-11 or wherever. I am one of the un-specials; I don’t have an iPhone, and I think my phone is so ghetto, it doesn’t have GPS. Sometimes, if I wander too far, the string breaks…
So what was I talking about?
Yes, about my next get rich quick scheme. Being out of work for so long, surely I have the mind that will conjure up the next, multi-billion dollar idea. Hey, Billy Mays left the space, someone’s gotta fill it. And like most great ideas, it’s more so a twist on an established idea. I can’t stand Twitter (I think you know that by now, right?). But I really enjoy 2 similar sites that are the same basic concept; except more focused. The sites I refer to are http://www.fmylife.com and http://www.textsfromlastnight.com
Both are similar to Twitter in that all the ‘entries’ are short. F(uck)MyLife deals with short, mostly ironic or embarrassing stories. TFLN deals more with either strange or drunken texts that people have received. If you waste your time on Twitter, I highly advise you knock that shit off and visit those 2 sites instead for far more laughs. So with that in mind, here if my idea, none of you peckerheads steal it, all right?
Shitter.com. (Yes, it’s a pseudo skin site now, advertising everything from Russian brides to Christian singles, but I think I can get it.) The focus of Shitter.com will be material (texts, voicemails, even video) taken while people are on the hopper. Reading on the bowl is so 1950’s people! These days it seems everyone else has an iPhone. So why not use it while you’re deucing? I have admitted a lot of my great ideas take place while in the bathroom, so let’s harvest that energy. Did your roommate leave something embarrassing in the bathroom? Are you in a public stall and the guy next to you has riotous gas? Tape it and send it in. (All you First Amenders just look the other way here, I will protect the innocent and gassy.) Is there a mass of something in the shower you just can’t figure the origin of? Let the Net decide!
C’mon, tell me this isn’t money. Did your hot female roommate leave her thongs out again? Did you leave an upper decker at a party? Vomit in the sink? Are you trashing the bathroom of the hotel you are at? The world needs to know. Shit, man, once I get this off the ground, it is Easy Street, my friends. So while I take care of all the mumbo jumbo legal stuff, I need all of you to start gathering evidence I could post. I know for most of you, that won’t be a problem.
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