43 Observations About Getting Older

As I blow out another obscene amount of candles on the cake, I have had time to reflect on this funny thing called life. I have complied 43 random thoughts, observations, advice and practices. Think of it as my way of giving back to you. Which is pretty hellacool of me considering you guys didn't get me a damn thing. In no particular order:

Time spent with a dog is never time wasted.

Dogs make great therapists. So does the gym.

Music is not an accessory. Music is a necessity.

Not that I have many regrets, but one of them is that I never learned to play an instrument. I'm jealous of anyone who can play anything. Whenever I see someone who can play two, I really want to break their damn fingers.

It doesn't bother you when your favorite groups break up because you know there will be a reunion tour a few years later.

Grey hair grows faster, stronger and longer than any other hair on the human body.

Even the models in the magazine don’t look like the models in the magazine.

Sunscreen. Every day.

Lifestyle changes > diets

  

Girls look hotter in boots. I don’t know the scientific theory behind it, but they just do.

Boots can even make up for a hideous dress!

Do something physical a few times a week. You don’t have to bench press 500 lbs, but a run, yoga class, sports. Do something. Stretching won't kill you, either.

12 is the Universal Number. Whenever you’re asked a question with a numerical answer and you don’t know it, just say 12 (or 120, or 1.2, etc.) You will be closer than you think.

Your body starts to gown downhill around 35, so cram as much in before that.

That awkward stage when you are older than all the players on your favorite sports team.

Calories definitely still count on your birthday; but they are magically more delicious.

You have to believe in yourself first before anyone else will.

People have seem to forgotten that they can still use their smart phone to actually talk to people.

Never turn down the opportunity to take a good nap. Conference calls, in particular, are a good time.

"This corporate speak is killing me."

Speaking your mind is a great way to earn respect of coworkers, but a shitty way of trying to get ahead.

I've been feeling ya, Punk

Like things tend to attract like things. For example, drama attracts drama. Stupidity attracts stupidity. But creativity attracts creativity. Fun attracts fun.

Always be prepared because you never know when the opportunity will happen to be in the next great story. Bill Murray has a great quote “I try to be available for life to happen to me."

I’m pretty sure if dragons existed, they wouldn’t ask to get tattoos of people.

Read. Preferably my stuff, but read nonetheless.

Hang out with people younger than you. They will keep you young. Also, this will be easier to do as you get older.

Hammock is necessary furniture.

The ocean heals.

If I’m somewhere with no phone reception, a serial killer will be nearby.

Question any statistic.

Take lots of pictures. Just don't post every freaking one of them.

Some people really do change; others don't. That's their gig. Just worry about being yourself.

Never feel guilty for sleeping in.

Hallowmas is a kickass holiday more people need to celebrate.

Put as much as you can in your 401k as early as you can. The 70 year old you will thank the 25 year old you.

Always say “thank you” and acknowledge when someone has done you a solid. Positive reinforcement is not being used enough these days.

The theme to Rocky will push you more than any other song known to man.

FUCK YEAH! Now where's some beef I can beat up?

Unplugging every once in a while will do you a world of good.

Whenever possible, tip in cash so your waiter/waitress/bartender won't have to pay taxes on it.

Who you are with is far more important than where you are.

If there's one place you need to be, someone will be in your way.

It's OK to say no.

I always try to do at least one nice thing as early in the day as possible. The rest of the day I'm free to be a dickhead.

Having a sense of humor is a great way to insult people to their face and laugh about it.

If I had a motto for life, it would be “The relentless pursuit of a good time.”

Why You Should Boycott Black Friday

Ah, what better way to celebrate the holiday? Surrounded by family, in a nice, warm house. Great food on the table, perhaps some beverages. Laughter in the air, smiles on faces, maybe some football on the TV. We don't get together like this often enough. Who knows the next time we will? It may be the last time we see dear Aunt Phyllis, who endearingly calls everyone her “favorite nephew.” Ah, the house is full of love. What should we do next? I know!

"Twinkies! I must get a package of Twinkies!"

LET'S GO FUCKING SHOP FOR SHIT WE DON'T NEED!!!!

I hate Black Friday. And you should, too.

Those of you lucky enough to know me know I don't consider myself very “pro-family,” so you might be surprised I have this stance. And yes, a lot of my stance does revolve around family, but most of it comes from my ever steady arch-enemy; never ending, raging stupidity. And that, 7 dear readers is what you are if you participate in Black Friday. So please allow me the courtesy of explaining my argument.

How ironic that on the most family oriented of holidays, Black Friday is so anti-family. No, I am not talking about your family, I am talking about the families of all those who have to work in retail stores so they can deal with your belligerent ass. Yea, they're people too!

My job dictates that I spend a fair amount of time in such stores like Target, Walmart, Sears and Kmart among others. So go ahead and please offer the tired argument of “well, no one forces them to work at Walmart.” That's not true. I know many people have stereotyped the employees of WM as brain dead lazy slackers. And I will give you that, to some extent, can be true. But I've gotten to know some of “those people” and you know what? They're people. They have families and bills. Sure, a lot of them maybe don't want to work at WM. But that is the hand life has currently dealt them. So why do they work there? Do me a favor and next time you go to a WM, look around for any small businesses in the area. Odds are you are not going to find any. Wanna guess why? Yup, 'cause WallyWorld came in, undercut them and those small stores hadto close. You'd be surprised how many people at WM are overqualified, but they can't get a break in this economy.

Still, regardless of what you think (a phrase I find myself using a lot), most of those people have families. And those families might be a bit further away than over the river and through the woods. So, cause of their WM job, they stay home and miss out on family time. Some may not even have a Tgiving dinner on Tgiving because they have to go to work. To deal with hordes of bargain hunting, brain dead mouth breathers at 3 in the fucking morning.

Look, no one gets up at any point in the day and thinks, “Wow, I can't wait to go to work at Kmart.” Still, I am not so sure they still need to be deprived of a holiday just because of the almighty buck. And now because you mindless GD sheep will go traipsing out at 8PM on Tgiving night to buy shit, the powers that be will take this as license to keep these ridiculous hours in effects for years. Our only hope is that soon, the event that is BF will start like the Monday before. (Here's a hint, it already does. More on that later.)

Another thing that kills me if the people responsible for opening up Targets and WM are home, sleeping in their nice warm beds. Guarandamnteed. And I will grant you I am bitter because that is what happening to me, but it doesn't make the point any less valid, mofo.

And here's a quick question, what were the things you just HAD to rush out to buy last BF? Yea, I thought so.

My sanity is worth far more than saving a few scheckels on some electronic doodad that will be replaceable in 6 months. “Hey, look! There's shit I don't need! But it's so cheap! I have to buy 2 at those prices!” “Wow, that's a great price for that DVD set!” You know how many DVD sets I have (that I did ask for) that are still in the shrink wrap? Seasons of Simpsons and 24. And I love those shows. And I see them on the shelf every night. And yet I haven't watched them in years. But let's go rush out and buy more, because by golly, this is the year I watch them all! And people fighting over $2waffle irons? Really? Weren't we supposed to be so thankful like, 2 hours ago?

People have been camping outside Best Buys here since Tuesday? Really? Every time I see tents outside a store, I wonder WTF these people are up to. Is it REALLY that important to set a fucking tent up outside a Best Buy? Trust me the money you save is the respect you lose. “Hey, Mrs. Smith, I haven't seen Mr. Smith in a few days.” “Aw, you know, he's down camping at the Best Buy eating Hot Pockets over Sternos and pissing in Mountain Dew bottles.”

I hope they are at least able to use Best Buy's wifi to surf the net and get all that stuff cheaper, and likely with free shipping and no sales tax. I guess these people have never heard of Amazon or Google Goggles or eBay or RedLaser. Protip; many of the items can be found online at the same price or even cheaper! OMG! Another protip; many of those BF items are available all week at the same price, in store and/or online! A little homework can prevent frostbite.

The economics of BF never made sense to me. Sure, I'm no business major (and just what the hell is a business major anyway. You just show up to a office job, do it, and leave. You really need to “study” this for 4 fricking years?) but I just don't see how BF is any more profitable than any other day.

First off ,you have payroll. Many employees will be getting overtime for the week, and there will just be more employees working. Stores do have to train seasonal help as well. Stores have to hire extra security. Not to mention the extra utilities of power, light, ventilation. Sure, most stores will sell a shit-ton of goods, but at a far lower profit margin. Target makes a hell of a lot more on a TV at regular price than selling it for 5% above cost. (Yes, I know many manufacturers will also provide funding for placement, but I just can't see it being enough to offset.) Does the store make enough money in selling the goods sold by second tier companies (newsflash; it you buy a big screen HDTV or PC or tablet for like $20, you get what you pay for, shit head) with higher profit margin? Especially if they get returned? Ultimately you are selling a lot of goods, but at a reduced profit margin with higher payroll and utilities. I'm not good at math, but that doesn't quite add up. Not to mention I have heard BF is a big day for theft.

So I guess unfortunately, the clueless higher ups see just one big fat number and run with it. And because you dunderheads all will rush out at 8PM, you will only encourage this behavior in the future. Chains will now budget this number in their years and that will result in them having to do these ridiculously early openings all so you can get a shirt that will molt on the closet floor for $3. 'Murica.

So as you're rushing out to spend, spend, spend, please, I beg of you, show a little compassion. Be aware that employee at Sears has dealt with so many asshole customers in such a small span of time, he might be a little fried to deal with your bullshit. Don't go into Target at 4 looking for that door buster they had at 8. Be prepared to deal with people who are just as idiotic as you. They will be rude, ignorant, selfish, stupid and possibly drunk/high. Let's go back to the poor souls who actually have to work there. You think their day is done? No, it's far from over. Many will have worked either late Weds night or early Thurs morning (or a combination of both). They will come home, maybe have a quick Tgiving dinner, then head off to work for 10-12 hours. Then go home for a few hours of precious sleep, then another 10-12 hours on both Sat and Sun.

In Summation:

1. Don't go out shopping on Black Friday
   1. Spend the time with friends and family
   2. Many of the items you want can either be purchased ahead of time or found for an equal or lesser price online
   3. If you do go shopping, you best be getting shit for me
   4. If you do go shopping, you are only propagating the practice of stores opening earlier and earlier
   5. If you do go out shopping, please show a little respect, patience and courtesy to store employees

Crisis at The Thrift Store

Sure, you can say it's just a crisis being in a thrift store. But there I was anyway. Truth be told, I was there for a party we're throwing. Thrift stores can be gold mines for cheesy, tacky, cheap over the top items. Or Xmas gifts for your inlaws. Eventually, I got to roaming and found myself in the CD section. For those of you too young to remember, CDs were these shiny discs that people would buy before music was free on the internet. Nowadays, CDs are inevitably lumped in right beside VHS tapes, old magazines and more and more, DVDs and Blu Rays. And even though I've perused CDs at plenty of thrift stores, this time something bothered me.

A lifetime ago, CDs were my income: more specifically, the music on them. Even at my advanced age-a young 27-most of my adult life has been spent around music. From working in and running record stores-remember them?-to helping a local band get signed to eventually landing that dream job of artist development rep for a major label. Along the way, I got to see all the peaks and valleys. For every band that started out as nothing and made it to artists who got that major label deal and never went anywhere. From bands I loved people heard of to even better bands no one ever heard of. For every thrill of a Linkin Park that explodes in less than six months, there was a killer act like Laura Dawn, or Betty Blowtorch or Blue Nile that never connected. This is not about bands who made it and bands who didn't and the reasons/politics why (that's a whole 'nother subject with way more words).

While sifting the stacks and stacks of CDs, something hit me; when I saw not one, but two orphaned CDs by two of my favorite artists nobody ever heard of. The land of forgotten music, the land of rejected CDs.

What happened? How could anybody just throw away that great music? How could they not hold onto it? What was wrong with them? Or maybe, it's more like what is wrong with me?

Did I really waste my life for this? For stuff that ends up on some dusty shelf in some dumpy thrift store?

Here was something I lived and died for. Something that is still very much a fabric of my life. And it's just toiling, one step away from the garbage of oblivion. Here is something I worked so hard on, and it's like it never even mattered at all. And it just bothered me. Bothered me because what was the point?

Many of the CDs were “my” CDs. Artists that were on my labels that I vividly remember trying to break. How the label spent millions of dollars trying to break said artist. Pay for production, “payola” for radio, promotional materials, finance a video or two. How we would work it for weeks/months at a time. And now, just a few scant years later, there it is. Lying with a heap of other CDs. All those artists had stories. Sure, everyone knows how No Doubt and Dave Matthews Band and Matchbox and Eminem and John Mayer ended up. But what about Heather Nova or the Refreshments or the Bottle Rockets or Outcry? Didn't matter if you sold 5 million copies or 5. A one hit wonder or a career artist. Thrift store music shelves don't care.

It was just that shrug of, “All that work, and how much of it ultimately made a difference? ”Sure, you can make the argument that people burned the music into their PC. Very well, that might be the case with most of the CDs I saw. And I would like to think that I did get good music to people who needed it. Maybe because I pushed for an act, I created a lifelong fan. Maybe someone I talked to used one of my bands' songs for their wedding song. Maybe they held onto a disc and it will forever remind them of that one moment in time when something special happened. Man, if I could just know I did make a difference, I would feel a lot better about it.

Right now, it all seems so far ago. An age that barely even happened at all. Back when music was a necessity, not an accessory to move MP3 players. There was a whole economy run by what we were doing. Everyone sold CDs; everyone bought CDs; two record stores in every mall and a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage. Almost like it never existed at all...

Reading Hate Mail

Almost three years ago, I wrote this post, that still generates a lot of hits for this here site. Perhaps you should go read it so you know what we're talking about here. The cheap hits will also help my Google ranking, so we all win!

Yesterday, I got this hate mail about it.

Shut the fuck up! this is a rotten pool of slimy leeches who feed off government entitlements and thinks the world owes them. And Kevin, are you gonna tell me you don't google EVERY person you meet? You're a fucking disgusting loser who probably lives at home, Stares at useless shit all day on your computer, downloads speed metal from Itunes using your mommy's credit card, smokes pot all day, and lives about 90% of the time in your pajamas. You call getting a few e-mails in your junk box harassment? Do you write blogs about every piece of junk mail you get? Do what normal people do when they receive junk mail, DELETE IT!! What an asshole,

Ah, there is nothing to spark the ol' creative fires than a piece of hate mail. I'll be honest, I get stoked when I get any kind of feedback, pro or con. Actually, that's a lie. I want the hate mail. When I write something and get no feedback at all, it gives me the sads. I try to write provocative, edgy, honest things. And when I get no feedback on it, it makes me think, “Wow, there really are a bunch of messed up motherfuckers out there.”

So I was quite intrigued when this showed up. And while I haven't been able to spend much time here on K Theory, it's because I have other obligations since this piece ran. Since the post in question, I have been rather content at a job I mostly like for the last 2 ½ years. It has afforded me with money to keep a standard of life that I believe would be classified as 'lower middle class'. The job has sent me to some cool places and given me some cool opportunities. Also, I have had a few writing gigs. I have got two things published so far, and have gained valuable experience working for a few different sites doing a few different things. One day, I hope to get paid for all this fucking writing work, but that's another story.

And while we're on the topic, this has been pretty much the most popular thing I've written so far for K Theory. (The other piece is from a few years back on Spokeo, another possible “scam”. Coincidence?) For a long time, it was the top entry in Google, which I imagine still has to burn Fred's britches. Since the last time I checked many moons ago, it has sadly fallen to #3. #1 is now a piece on AIL possibly being a scam. #2 is Fred's LinkedIn account, and this is #3. So 2 of the top 3 are negative pieces. Don't hate the player, hate the game.

To give my emailer a fair shake, and check his argument, I went back to read the original piece, as well as the ensuing thread. After I finished pissing my pants because it was so damn funny, I felt in the proper place to fairly evaluate his argument. So let's do this piece by piece.

Shut the fuck up! this is a rotten pool of slimy leeches who feed off government entitlements and thinks the world owes them.

You wouldn't be my First Lady, but you damn sure would be my last.

Just what is this “rotten pool” you refer to? I love how almost right away this turns into a political debate. I will admit to not being politically savvy at all, so I don't know how to make sense of that argument. Apparently, I am also pro-Obama. I don't know that I would consider that true. I'll level with you. The last time I voted was 2007 for Sara Underwood, and at least she won.

And Kevin, are you gonna tell me you don't google EVERY person you meet?

HEY! How do you know my name? Oh, wait a minute... No, I do not Google every person I meet. Just the hot ones. Hell, I'm doing that right NOW. With God as my witness, I didn't know she had that tattoo there.

You're a fucking disgusting loser who probably lives at home,

OK, you got me there on both counts. I still consider myself a loser, yes, even disgusting at times. And yes, you're are right, I live at home. My home. That I've been paying a mortgage on (even when I was unemployed) for like 10 years now. And one day, it will be all mine at 60% of what I paid for. I suppose you could argue politics on that last point as well, so feel free to.

Stares at useless shit all day on your computer,

Right again here, Criss Angel. All day I stare at the site I use to report things for work, and watch it drag, glitch, freeze and disappear. But at night I stare at porn and DogShaming.com. So if you're calling hot naked chicks and cute puppy dogs 'useless' shit, I care not to know you. And, hey, you're the one who found my site.

downloads speed metal from Itunes using your mommy's credit card,

Damn it, anonymous internet stranger, it's like you're inside my head! Lately, I have been finding myself getting into Maiden, Motorhead, etc. Prime metal stuff that I didn't pay enough attention to. Does that count as speed metal? And who downloads songs from iTunes anymore? You know music is, like, free on the internet, right?

smokes pot all day

Without an ounce of a lie, I can tell you I've never done an illegal drug in my life. Never smoked a joint, dropped acid, took a pill. Really. I will gladly allow skin, blood or hair samples to back me up. Ask your mom for my semen sample.

and lives about 90% of the time in your pajamas.

Dude, wouldn't that fucking rule! Who isn't looking for a job where they wear their pajamas? But, no sadly, I don't. I sport business casual all day; polo shirt, pants, shoes.

You call getting a few e-mails in your junk box harassment? Do you write blogs about every piece of junk mail you get?

Actually, yes I do. Since this ran, I have secured some regular writing gigs. I have done the occasional 'respond to hate mail' bit. I love reader generated content, makes life much easier for me. In fact, one of my regular gigs is an advice column where I answer emails from dipshits like you.

Do what normal people do when they receive junk mail, DELETE IT!!

OK, you got me there. Internet point for you.

What an asshole,

Dad? Well, I can only assume when you left the comma hanging out there, that you had more vitriol to spew forth, but suddenly decided you had sufficiently put me in my place. Kudos to you.

Whoever you are, I sincerely thank you. You brief email on a piece that ran almost three years ago does warm my heart. You let me know I am doing my job. It gave me that spark of creativity I have been looking for. In fact, I am now inspired to keep writing material for one of my side jobs at the cost of other obligations I had tonight. I do appreciate you voicing your opinion.

Christmas Rant 2011

I have a house, it has 4 walls, a slightly leaky crawl space and a roof. Everything I need and want is here: my girl, my dog and my TV. (Although the order of favorites varies.)

And every Xmas I get all riled up. There's too much hassle, too much hustle-bustle. Lost is the original message. I mean, even take all the religious connotations out of it. It can all be for the birth of R2-D2 for all I care. Hell, I forget what the original message of the season is, but I am pretty sure it is not what commercials and circulars from chain stores tell me. I am pretty sure it is not spend, spend, spend. And while that is spurring the economy, putting it on your already maxed out cards ain't helping anybody but the freaking 1%.

Sure, Xmas is fun when you're a kid; believing and all that stuff. But on top of that, the presents! All kinds of cool toys for young minds. But as you grow older, there is less and less 'fun stuff' to expect. I still cling to the idea of cool presents are presents that you need batteries for, or plug in, or light up, or cut people, etc. Unfortunately, this society mostly frowns on adults getting Nerf guns. Alas, it comes time to expect 'grown up' items.

For years I fought that urge that 'older' people get. You know, the urge where they are actually stoked to get clothes, socks and underwear. I fought this for years until I finally realized any new clothes extends wash day, and I am totally down with that. And just about everybody else has a better sense of fashion than myself. Most of my wardrobe-if you can call it that-is black. So the idea of me picking out a non-black item of clothing is rather scary.

Newsflash; after that, it's all pretty trivial. Sure I'd love to get seasons 6-20 of The Simpsons. But the fact of the matter is that I look across the room, and see seasons 3-5 still in their wrappers. What I would really love is the fucking time to watch all these DVDs, read these books, listen to these CDs. Next to my bed are a mound of books (some even without pictures!) why in the blue hell would I need another one? Does anyone even really buy DVD/Blu Rays anymore? That's out of control. Unless you really, really love a movie, is there even a point to buying a DVD of it? Show me the motards that bought Are We There Yet or any Adam Sandler DVD, and I will show you some yahoo with no taste, and the money to prove it.

We already have enough. I drag my feet every year on making a list. Really, I have more than I know what to do with. Presents I've asked for, presents I didn't ask for. I am an idiot. .

Anymore, Xmas lists are just an exercise in excess. Maybe put down one or two things you just haven't bought for yourself. Always wuss out, and just ask for stuff with your favorite sports team/TV show/movie/musician emblazoned on it somewhere. Stuff that's nice to have, but definitely not a necessity. It's a struggle for me to make a list. And you know what? That's a pretty damn good gift in it's own right.

Enough already. Do you not have more shit than you know what to do with? Christmas has gotten fucking out of hand! It's grown to be all about consumption; sometimes even in a conspicuous manner.

Look, I will be the first to say I am the biggest, heartless bastard on the planet. I am largely unmoved by most human tragedy. I can't tell you the last time I cried. (OK, it was reading Marley and Me.) But this is getting out of control. Any stretch of TV watching will see you deluged by lavish Xmas commercials. The ones that kill me are the car ones. Are we still not steeped in a recession? Yet, every car manufacturer has commercials where people are getting cars for Xmas. Really? Really? I mean, it's a nice, grandiose thought and all, but the economy is still in the shitter. The last thing we need is to promote reckless spending. And where the fuck do these people get the big red bows?

The biggest hassle of the holidays is buying stuff for everyone else. And if that is not enough, we have to show some thought about the gift, too. Like make that next logical leap from what the item on list is to fantabulous object that they will love didn't even know existed. I've already admitted to being a blackhearted bastard, so this gift card to the liquor store will have to do. (If the cashier tells you there is no balance on it, tell her she is mistaken.) Generally, those of us with black hearts are not very thoughtful. But we do love rock n roll.

So, enough. Enough Snuggies, LeapPads and shit from Brookstones. What kills me is that now I'm expected to buy presents for the children of acquaintances. Really? Really? So let me get this straight, since you have crotch fruit, it's now on me to buy them another for their avalanche of presents? It's out of control. Now, if you'll allow me to get in my rocking chair and tell you what it was like when I was a kid; before remote control TVs. The only ones who got me gifts were my parents. (OK, my grandparents kicked in a few bucks and cookies, too.) When my parent's friends came over, they didn't bring me presents, nor were they expected to. I would happily be busy playing with my new gifts. Or setting stuff on fire, but that's a different story. Nowadays, kids get presents from parents, grand parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors, and friends of any of the above. Huh? Why is it on me to buy a gift for a snotnose who doesn't even know my name? And that's my test. If I am around the kid to the point it (yes, I know I said 'it') knows my name, then a gift isn't that out of the question. However, if said lil' goober doesn't know my name, they can go pound sand if they think they're getting a gift from me. You can't go over any house where they have kids and not see a small toy store morphing out from the tree. Really? Really? What are we teaching these kids when we do this? We're teaching them consumption. When they go from house to house like some demented Holiday Halloween, the parents gotta rent a Uhual for all their presents. We're giving them more gifts than what they know what to do with (and, face it, in some cases, deserve). No way Junior plays with all those gifts, most fall through the cracks.

So let's end the madness here; let's do something. Here's a novel idea. Let's stop buying shit for people who don't know what to do with everything they have; I.e everybody. Take that cash you would have spent, and put it somewhere where it will do the most good. My pocket. Wait, did I just say that? I meant, give it to charity. We can call our new holiday Charitymas. You can be of any race, religion, sex, nationality to participate in Charitymas. Ha, take that, world peace! We can make this holiday ours, not taken over by massive corporations. Somebody tell those Occupy kids about Charitymas, and I am sure that'll clear things up.

Let's take this back. Let's make it something meaningful again. Screw all this bullshit Black Friday madness. If I want to be peppersprayed, I'll go above Occupy protest. Instead, spend the night with your family-if they can stand you-in a nice, warm, safe house. Some folks would be happy just to have that. At your leisure, go out and buy a few gifts for a family that is going through a rough time. Trust me, that shitty five dollar toy train means a lot more more to a kid who didn't get the breaks like your doofus nephew. Don't forget you can also just give money straight to a charity. Hell, it's been a banner year for me giving to the Salvation Army. I am on pace to destroy last year's record of $4.37. Just today I kicked in a boss 89 cents and a few odd coat buttons. Viva karma!

And don't forget our furry friends this year. Shelters are too full of dogs who can make your home complete. And they will never tell you you drink too much. Or to put on pants. Cats you can leave at the shelter. (Damn blackheart acting out again.)

OK, I feel better. Merry Xmas, y'all.