How Not to Disappear

Stupid people never fail to fucking amaze me.

In case you don’t know what I’m talking about, here’s the link to a story that’s major news here and apparently everywhere else. http://www.clickorlando.com/news/19577281/detail.html Yes, it’s the story of the mom creating a kidnapping hoax and going to Disney. Everyone loves a good old seemingly- sane person -goes –and- does -something-incredibly-stupid story. My o my, there is just so much going on here. She clearly put less than zero thought into her brilliant scheme. Let’s take a look at everything she did wrong.

Right off the top, creating a bogus kidnapping story. Seriously, when do these things ever work out? On Three’s Company? She clearly doomed herself from the start. First, she claims to have been abducted in Southampton, yet her cell phone calls were traced to a tower in Philly. That’s inconsistent. The area she claims for this to have happened it is pretty highly trafficked, and no one else called in seeing any sort of accident or abduction. She claims she was rear ended by 2 black males, and when she got out, her and her 9 year old daughter were thrown in the trunk of a Cadillac. Now, one would think if you were going to take somebody and toss them in a trunk, you would fleece them for cell phones. But, no, these 2 black males never did that, so Sweeten (the mom in case you were too lazy to click the article, that’s OK, I understand) was able to allegedly make a calm call to 911. (The calls haven’t been released yet, but I am sure when they are, it will be so bloody obvious). I’m sure if she had a Twitter, she would have posted there, too.

Mistake number 2; leaving your fucking car in Philly. Huh? How are you supposed to keep up the allusion of a kidnapping? The car should have been abandoned in Southampton, not Philly. And most definitely right near the tower that tracked the cell phone call. D’oh #3, leaving your undamaged car to get ticketed. Really? Did this broad come up with this cunning masterplan as it went along? The ticket shows an early afternoon time, which clearly indicates there is something fishy going on here.

While this hullabaloo is going on, Sweeten and her 9 year old daughter are at the airport, boarding a plane to sunny FLA. For fuck’s sake, please don’t tell me you are this stupid. Barney Fife would have been cracking this case by now. There’s only like 20 cameras every 100 feet in an airport, it’s not like you are going to sneak by. Unless of course you are Jack Bauer, in which case he would have made a smooth getaway while all along saving the country.
Mom and daughter board the plane and head to a prepaid hotel room near Disney and spend the day at the park. “Hey, I just faked my own kidnapping! We’re going to Disney World!” By yesterday, it was clear this was a hoax, and I guessed they would have her nabbed by nightfall. Sure enough, they did. Fortunately, the kid is OK, and the mom is awaiting a flight back to face the music.

This is just the type of fantastic story that will be headline fodder for days on the national level, and weeks on the local level. We haven’t had a good story like this since our version of Bonnie and Clyde a while back. And that chick was way hotter, so I see why it was the top story for weeks.

But there’s more to the story. I am sure there are many more revelations to come, but let’s just focus on what we know so far. We know this Sweeten character is a total retard when it comes to inconspicuously faking your own abduction. Turns out over the last week, she has withdrawn $12,000 from multiple bank accounts. Like that’s not gonna set off any flags? Hello? Wow, it’s really ironic that a woman who has just taken out 12K all of a sudden goes missing. Did she really think that would just slip by? She also got her coworker’s drivers’ license. At the time Sweeten claimed she needed it for something to do with her pension. Huh? As dumb as she is, just how did she pull this one off? If you had a co-worker and they come up to you and go, “Hey, can I borrow your drivers’ license? What do I need it for? Umm…..uh….I need it….for…..our pension plan! Yea, that’s it, our pension plan.” WTF kind of pension plan requires you to use another’s drivers’ license? And what motard actually gives the license up? They should be jailed for the crime of being ‘too stupid to live’. Which, BTW, I was recently acquitted of, so I got that going for me. Anyway, wouldn’t that send another red flag up as this hoax grows? I mean, wouldn’t is just be a little too convenient that a woman who asks you for your DL, suddenly is abducted?

And here’s something that’s really burning me up about this story that I haven’t seen addressed anywhere yet. How the FUCK did she get past airport security? In this day and age of ‘being safe’ and the TSA and all, just how did she get by? I don’t fly like I used to, but when I did, Goddamn if 2 out of 3 times I got flagged and had to go to security for extra patdowns, looking at my carryon, etc. And this broad just sails right through? If I recall correctly, you have to present ID at least twice. Once when you check in and once right before you board. (Check me on this, I might be wrong, but you have to present ID at least once.) I want to see this ID she had. Did she even bother to manipulate it to have her picture? Did the stats (height, eyes) match or not. I want to see somebody at TSA explain this one to me.

Sweeten should be responsible for paying the entire expense of the man hours and resources that went to finding her alleged kidnappers. They had real issues to deal with, not some ditz. She should have to pay for being this stupid. I mean, look at all those loopholes. Would any rational person think, “Yea, this plan is bulletproof! Hello sweet Florida sunshine!” There was clearly no effort or forethought put in this. “Yea, while all those cops and FBI are looking for us, we’ll be at EPCOT having the time of our lives. My daughter will love me so much. I is a genius.”

I wonder what the end result was supposed to be. Surely, all this hoopla wasn’t for one day at Disney, right? Was she going to keep them on the run? Did she have an escape plan past Friday? Everyone wants to know why. What’s the rational, the logic behind all of this? Why a not so elaborate abduction scheme? Why not just take the 12K, and just fly to FL under your own name? That would have been far smoother, and saved a lot of good men and women their time and efforts.

I wonder just what the family is going to be like now. I really wonder if her 15 year old daughter is jealous she didn’t get to go to Disney Land? I really think that is a legit question. Logic would say this is kind of a spur of the moment decision, I wonder how long she had this planned out. What was the end result supposed to be? And did she really think she was going to get away with it? Why take the one kid, and not the other 2? I think it’s clear who crazy mommy’s favorite is.

If it was me, would I have done it differently? Her biggest mistake was just inventing this whole story. The way to go would be to still withdraw the cash, then just take your daughter and drive somewhere. I would think it would be treated as a missing person case first, you would be able to make it further before the Amber Alert came out. From there, I would use the cash to buy a used car. But then again, who really wants to be stuck driving to FL with a fucking 9 year old in the car?

This story is still developing, and I am sure it will get the BREAKING NEWS treatment and urgent music on our local stations for weeks to come. I kinda get the vibe that everyone want to see this get like the astronaut story; you know the one where the female astronaut drove like 20 hours in diapers with a gun to confront another woman. I am interested to see if we will ever get the whole story. I already envision Disney mom (or whatever smarmy name someone comes up with) in tears as she’s hauled into court. Wailing cries of “I’m sorry” hanging in the spring air.
Ah, crazy people. They make the world go round.

Sideways Hat Guy

FUCK! I haven’t written here for almost a month? Goddamn, I apologize, y’all. I have been writing-kinda a lot actually, just not here. You know where to find it, if not hit me up, and if you are cool enough, I might point you in the proper direction. Anyway, I wish it could have been a better topic. Regardless, I hope you enjoy.

There’s been a pressing issue I need to discuss with all of you. You know I’m loathe to get all serious on yer collective ass, but something has been bothering me. Iran announced a new missile test today…..

Just kidding. But I am really irked by a behavior I’ve seen going on. I’ve seen it in malls, in the gym, at shows, in schools. And it’s really pissing me off, and it’s time we need to address it head on. There are people; people who do a stupid thing. And it’s time to call them out. You know who you are, you’ve seen them. Its guys who wear their caps sideways. Knock it the fuck off. You look motarded. Now, far be it from me to judge fashion. Those of you that have seen me know my fashion sense is sketchy at best. My closet if full of mostly black clothes. And I still can be found most summer days wearing flip flops and board shorts. But, hey, it’s my damn blog, so I can say whatever I want. You look motarded. In fact, when I see these douchebags walking around, I imagine what statement they are trying to make.

“I am stupid.”
“Yo, yo, yo, I am a playa.”
“OK, really, I’m just a fucking loser poser.”
“My name is Austin, and I own this here mall. Until 9:30 because that’s when my mom’s boyfriend picks me up. You know, right by the JC Penney?”
“I have to wear it this way to hide the lobotomy scar.”
“By wearing my hat sideways, I am showing my individual rebellion in society. Never mind that there’s 50 other retards hear wearing it the same way. Mine is a personal expression.”
“The new Master P record is dope, yo.”

What’s the look here? Are you trying to be edgy or scary or intimidating? ‘Cause it ain’t working. I have never been afraid of any doofus in a sideways hat. Unless they were taller than me. And bigger. And possibly a MMA fighter. In which case, wear your cap any way you please. I won’t make fun of you. To your face.

Face it boys, no one’s ever looked good rocking the hat sideways. I never got the appeal of wearing a hat off kilter. Wow, that’s really original. I don’t care if you are a ball player, X gamer, rocker, etc; it’s just not a masculine look. You can be deadlifting 2000 pounds in the gym, but with a sideways hat, you will draw snickers. Every time I see one of these tools, I wanna shake them so bad, but I’m afraid their baggy pants might fall off. I’ve often thought of marketing a hat that says ‘Only Motards Wear Their Hat Sideways’. But I know those dolts would still wear it sideways to be “ironic”. Hmm, wait a minute, they would still buy the hat? Shit, that’s my fucking idea, and by posting it, I’ve made it my personal and intellectual property, so no ripping me off.

Certainly, I am not the first to make fun of such hatfully attired. There are plenty of websites-Hotchickswithdouchebags.com being my favorite-that make fun of such chodes. And yet they don’t get a clue. It’s not a racist thing. Anyone looks like a fool wearing their hat in such a manner. Sure, you can argue Travis Barker (drummer Blink 182) got a former Miss America. While that it true, Trav sure banged the pretty out of her, and he still looks like a pencil neck wearing a hat sideways. I fear he might fall over

Yes, even girls can’t pull off the sideways hat look. Sure, they can try-again, to be “ironic”-but they can’t pull it off. Unless they have long hair. And a nice rack. In which case, they can wear tin foil for all I care.

These are just undeniable truths. Another one is the older you are, the more retarded you will look. Quickly, old guys wearing sideways hats is the open shirt, hairy chest and gold chains look for this generation.

I often wonder if it is all some secret language. Like if he’s wearing the hat at, say, 3 o’clock, it means he’s carrying. (Remember the one jeans leg up look?) If he sports it at 6, it means ‘I have tickets to the game’. And just how does one determine what time the hat is set at? Is bill over the face 12 or 6? Yea, it must be some sort of code. I am not a big hat guy at all, but I believe the only proper way to wear a hat is either bill over the face or towards the back. For the record, a lot of guys still look like tools wearing it backwards.

While we’re on the topic of hat transgression, I have an even bigger one. Schmucks who wear two head coverings. Yea, Toby Keith, I’m looking at you. Do you really think you’re fooling anyone? “Hmm, someone might notice if I just wear the mandana, but if I top it with a big ol’ cowboy hat, no one will notice for sure!” No, you just call more attention to yourself. He must be doing a good job, since a Google image search for Toby Keith + hatless reveals no pictures of his bald noggin. Keep up the good fight, there, TK.

Billy Gibbons from ZZ Top is another offender. I saw them 2 summers ago (and for the record, it was a really fun show). You should see the lids this guy is sporting. First he comes out in a horrid dome-coverer like this mess. What the hell is this? Brussels sprouts?

So he leaves it on for 3-4 songs, then puts a cowboy hat on top of it. Fuck, can you imagine how hot that must be? He’s gotta sweat more with 2 hats on. Didn’t leave the stage to switch hats, made it a point to put the cowboy hat over it. Can you imagine how much that first hat must reek? Whose job is it to wash Billy’s hats every night? By the way, I totally envision me doing that ZZ Top look as I get older. I see me sporting a Mick Fleetwood like ponytail, and a longass beard. Because that’s the look that will turn on all the ladies in the home.

So there, Blogland. Another plaintive cry for America to straighten up and fly right. Fellas, all it takes is wearing your hat properly. You’ve been told.