Thursday, January 21, 2016

The Intermittent Fasting Challenge; Results Show

I realize now I should have paid closer attention in math class. As I prepped to do this Thursday night, I realized I stacked the numbers against me. Damn it so much. Remember how I said you don’t eat anything the night before, skip breakfast, then get to an 8 hours feeding period? Well, shit on me, I almost ended up doing two IFs without really trying. Here’s how I fucked up.

So I eat the night before, at 10 PM. In order to get the 8 hour feeding period I want so I can gorge at noon on Saturday, on Friday I can eat from 12PM to 8PM. (I think I paid enough attention to say that is the eight hours I need to properly fast for the following sixteen hours.) So, not eating from 10 PM Thursday night to 12PM Friday is fourteen hours fasting. Shit, that’s almost the whole damn IF fast right there!

Now, I am not under any assumption whatsoever that just by essentially starving myself for 16 hours that I will suddenly have wash board abs and a Rock-like chest. It’s just one in method in a seemingly endless toolbox to get in the best shape of your life! There are apparently many people who do this a few times a month to a few times a week. These people are probably the same people you see running in the snow and ice. These are people you probably don’t want to hang out too much with if you have body fat over 4% and didn’t run two marathons that morning.
"Look at me! I'm as asshole!"


Helloooo Friday morning! Gooooodbyye Friday breakfast. In order to properly prepare myself for an IF, I have to limit myself to an eight hour feeding window beforehand. To properly do this, I have to skip breakfast, which does not bode well for anyone I come in contact with the first few hours of my job. Skipping breakfast before the gym isn’t a big deal because I generally get lost in heavy music and not so heavy weights. But when I work, I have to deal with these annoyances called people and these people generally come with their own sets of problems and issues. (I realize that I want to become a writer so I can work by myself.) Oh, and my job is fairly physical, so I’ll be burning a lot of calories the first few hours.

One of the theories I have come across in my cursory research says there is basically no difference between spreading 2000 calories throughout the day in many meals, or in a shorter period. The take away here is I can essentially cram in what I would normally eat all day in an eight hour window. At least I am pretty sure I read that; there were also a lot of big words with no pictures. I won’t be doing my normal 7-8 grazings, so the meals I do eat can be bigger.

As I head to my noon feeding, I feel I get brief hunger pains, but all in all, not too bad. I feel my focus and energy are normal. In a respect, I find this is easier because I have an active job. I travel to 5-8 accounts per day, and expend a decent amount of energy. I suppose IF is tougher if you’re chained to a desk and people are walking by with coffee, doughnuts and that damn Delores with her bagels.

Noon finally comes, and it’s time to crack into my cooler o’ food. I feel the key here is to eat filling foods. So a NutriBullet (with protein) followed by a protein bar (protein included) plus some granola. The rest of my work day is filled with bouts of working (boo) followed by bouts of eating (yay.) I find I don’t have any adverse effects eating after starving for 12 hours. My stomach is fine and I’m not gassy. Well, any gassier than I usually am.

Come home and chow down on more chicken, green tea and fruit. Before I go to the gym, a scoop of protein and some grapes. Back from the gym and a Bullet with more protein. I am pretty sure I am more powder than man at this point.
God, I hope I don't get this shit on my nose.
I turn down a night at the bar, and putz around the house, all the time eyeing the evil clock. 8PM will be here quicker than I care.

I have previously experimented with what I wanted my precious last meal to be. I hit on something so bulky and filling, it should get me through the night. I pour some organic Cheerio like cereal in a bowl, 40 grams of chocolate protein and whole milk. It is good, but, GD, after I finish it I feel full. But this is my last meal, so the experience it not unlike a death row convict eating his last meal. You know, minus all the capital offenses stuff.

The rest of the evening, I am actually a productive little citizen, which is pretty odd for me on a Friday night. I do some wash, brush out the dog, vacuum (Life hack; always brush out the dog first, then vacuum.) I start writing, all the while drinking water.

And a funny thing happens after the first two hours……..I’m hungry again. Son. Of. A. Bitch. This did not happen in ‘rehearsal.’ This is a kick in the nuts. But I am rapidly approaching bedtime. I continue to drink water because it apparently blunts hunger. Early, real time feedback tells me that theory is utter bullshit.

The Next Eight Hours: I won’t lie, I don’t get great sleep. I actually don’t feel very hungry past those initial few hours. This is good news. However, I’m up peeing every damn hour because I drank so much damn water. I’m really starting to think IF is just a scam made up by those water people.

As on most Saturday mornings, the sun fills the room and I wonder just what the hell I did to myself Friday night. Honestly, I don’t feel very hungry. I feel a little bit hungry as I’m lying in bed, but it’s the sort of thing that once you start moving, the sensation pretty much goes away.  I feel focused, sharp and not-too-tired; all foreign sensations to me on a Saturday morning. I fill up the water bottle-again-and head to the gym, brother.

I weigh myself. And it is kinda odd, I do actually feel skinnier. But it’s probably just my stomach feeding on my internal organs. Two pounds lighter, which is no big deal. Two pounds is not enough to say “ZOMG! I am losing weight!! IF 4ever11”

I’ve trained on an empty stomach many times, so I am not too worried about that. I can see the finish line (and fried chicken, and pizza, and mac and cheese and…), all I need to do here is bust it. Two hours here, home, shower and GORGE. My energy level feels good, my workout is going great, I don’t drop any heavy objects on my body, and that skinny Asian girl is only squatting 10 pounds more than me. So far, so good.

As I get closer to the magical 16 hour mark, something starts to happen. I get hungry. Like, suddenly, violently hungry. How can this be happening? I am sooo close. It’s probably happening because I am soo close. I refocus. I will NOT let this deter me. I will use this as further fuel. I take a deep breath, and continue to lift Paulie, Adrian and my trainer in a cart. No wait a minute, that’s from Rocky IV.
"Yo Adrian....it feels like you've put on some weight..."
 Which also just happens to be a great album to work out to. Fuck you, Drago.
The hunger is not going away. I look again at the clock-big mistake. 90 minutes. Time has taken on some sort of crawling process where it now seems to be going slower when it should be going faster. I know I need to tough it out a bit more here. If I can push myself this last half hour at the gym, I can hit my goal. Plus, the bouts of light-headedness between strenuous sets are fairly enjoyable. Another deep breath in. And now I run like hell so those crazy Russians can’t follow me. Nope, no, still Rocky IV.  No one told me about these delusions at the end of IF. I quickly dial up “Baby, Hit Me One More Time” (AKA her good years.)

The drive home, which now totally feels like this:



I do feel hungry, but I don’t feel “gorge-hungry”, more like normal “NutriBullet” hungry. I find this very odd, but eating my face off has been my reward all along, and I sure ain’t gonna give that up now.

Not to brag, but I’m now at sixteen and a half hours. Maybe that extra half hour doesn’t impress you, but try starving yourself for sixteen hours, and it’s a whole different story.

Cruise into the all you can eat buffet. The staff must know I mean business, because we’re seated right away. I proceed to put all kinds of meat (or at least what passes for meat at an AYCE these days) on plate number one. I also heap on a whole lot of satisfaction.

Plate number one doesn’t hang around very long. Plate two differs with a lot more in the fried category; chicken, calamari, shrimp whatever else they can drop in a batter and make even more unhealthy. Plate three is like a greatest hits of the first two, with a special appearance by pizza. After the third plate, I am actually feeling full, and disappointed that it only takes three plates to fill me up after a 16 (and a half) hour fast. But I am sure with all the fried stuff and sauce and stuff on the meat, I’ve probably taken in a great deal of calories. I am full enough, that I don’t even feel the need to hit the dessert table.

So I’m loading up at the dessert table; chocolate chip cookies, banana pudding (I’ve always imagined that pudding is the only food in the world that looks exactly like fat. But even that doesn’t stop me) some sort of graham cracker pie. Man, this is living. I pretty much spend the rest of Saturday eating what I normally would. Plus some celebratory rum. I go to the gym in the morning and I am just two pounds heavier. That’s right, all told, my weight stayed the same. Kinda ironic, dodn’t cha think? ‘Cause yea, I really do think.

So now that I’ve done it, would I do it again? Maybe. I don’t know that this will be a regular thing for me. Now that I know I can do it, maybe. But 16 hours is a long time to go, and temptation is all around us. Like, I couldn’t commit to doing an IF, then hang out with my buddies and NOT eat and drink.

Guys: “So, uh, Kev, we notice you’re not eating or drinking tonight. Everything all right, big fella?”

Me: “Well, guys, I’m happy you brought that up! I’m doing this thing called an intermittent fast…”

Guys: “FAG!”

So, now that I’ve done one IF, I have proclaimed myself an expert, and am ready to answer all your pressing IF questions.

“Is IF right for me?” Sure. Like I wouldn’t even bother checking with your doctor. I didn’t and I’m fine.

And if you are going to do it, here’s some advice. Stay away from clocks. Especially as you get close to that 16 hour mark. Time will somehow slow to a crawl and your hunger will just get worse. Go do something. Walk the dog. Walk my dog. Go do something. Just don’t write a blog about it, because it won’t be funnier than mine.

Sleep as much as you can. I mean, why make it any harder on yourself? I’ve supposedly had some great times while I’ve been unconscious.

Avoid temptation. Duh. I had to give up a night at the bar, because I just don’t trust myself. Plan ahead. You might be surprised if you can skip eating the hours before you go to bed and the hours you’re awake, 16 hours could sneak up on you.


Eat well during that feeding period. Eat as healthy as you can during that time. Save the shit for the gorge afterward.  Really, the toughest times for me were the first two hours and the last two hours. As long as you can keep your mind and body busy, it’s somewhat easy.

Now I'm hungry,,,

Thursday, January 14, 2016

The Intermittent Fasting Challenge

When last I left you, it was with a list of my New Year’s resolutions. One of them was to commit to something I call “Adventure Saturday.” For those of you shitheads –which is most of you-who didn’t read my resolutions, you can make yourself cool to the world by clicking here. The concept of Adventure Saturday is to simply do something I’ve never done before. It might be a trip to a museum, an experience of some sort, dinner and drinks at a place I’ve never been, etc.

So I came up with something I’ve never done and actually counts as Adventure Friday into Adventure Saturday. Whilst reading that stack of magazines from 2015 (another resolution I am keeping up with, slackers) I came across a concept that interested me, plus I could get 2 posts out of it (thereby satisfying yet another resolution to write more. You guys should be ashamed with all your slacking already.)

So here is the idea; intermittent fasting.
Like who isn't sold?

Whoa, Kev, just what is that all about?”  I already imagine you asking. (I also imagine some of you are naked while reading this, but that stays with me.)

Intermittent fasting (IF) is when one goes up to 16 hours without eating. Sounds like a party, right? Now, right away, I again imagine you asking, “But WHY would you do that?”  Well, it’s simple, really. One, just for the experience and to have something to write about. Two, just to see if I can do it. And most importantly, people love reading about other people in pain. Especially you sick freaks. More especially, when it’s my pain.

So in my very brief research on the topic, the end result is supposed to boost growth hormone and actually promote fat loss. Not so stupid now, eh, fatty?

Of course, an undertaking of this nature does not come without it’s peril, much like Evel Knievel jumping the fountain in Vegas. I have briefly thought this out, so I feel pretty on point to do this.
Here is my plan. Early Friday evening, go to the gym for a typical workout, just no cardio. Come home, do a NutriBullet with protein, a little while later one last big meal, then hunker in for the night. In a perfect world, I envision my fast starting around 7PM. I’ll clear out my Netflix cue, because I know if I watch regular TV, it will just be wall to wall commercials like these:







 Go to bed the same time old people do on a Friday night, 10PM. Sleep. Wake up. (Hopefully.) Go to the gym again…

“Whoa, slow down here, Schwarzenegger! What’s up with that?”

There’s a few reasons for this. I don’t have a scale here. Just a mirror that tells me I’m awesome daily, and occasionally tells me I am “not mildly unattractive today.” The gym does, so I am anxious to see if there is any drastic weight fluctuation. Also, I have discovered working out on an empty stomach actually blunts my hunger for a period of time. My initial research says working out in the fasted state is actually beneficial as far as gaining muscle and burning fat. By the time I come home, shower and put on my fat jeans in preparation for the all you can eat buffet, I should be past the magical 16 hour mark. Gorge, then to continue to eat what I would typically eat. Weigh myself again Sunday morning.

Sounds easy, right? No, shithead, of course it doesn’t sound easy. I have grown hungry in merely the time it’s taken me to start writing this. There are a lot of challenges for sure.

I am a believer in eating small meals throughout the day. Every 3-4 hours I am eating. I am generally a pretty clean eater. Protein powder and bars, fruit, NutriBullets, chicken, healthy granola. I am pretty sure there are squirrels eating a similar diet.. I have found that if I don’t eat every few hours, I get very “hangry.” (Hungry + angry.) Like Incredible Hulk level hangry. So the mere thought of not eating for
 sixteen whole hours is quite daunting for me and those near to me. Hopefully, by sleeping for a lot of that time will negate me hulking out and downing an entire box of Lucky Charms.
"Where am my protien bars?"

Some provisos. My brief research tells me drinking liquid –the rule of thumb here appears to be anything under 50 calories- is fine, so I will have a handle of Jack handy. Just kidding, a shot of Jack is 65 calories, and yes, I did look that up. But I will be doing a lot of water, possibly green tea. For Saturday AMs workout, I reserve the right to an Advocare Fruit Punch Spark (15 calories) while I am working out. Also, since I have trouble sleeping anyway, I won’t turn down the offer of an Ambien (why do you think I'm putting this post up early?), should one come my way. I am pretty sure there are no calories in the pill, just blissful, restful sleep.

Doing a bit more research, I now find out to do this properly, before I start the fast, apparently I have to observe a romantically named ‘feeding period’ of only 8 hours before I start the fast. OK, so that’s basically skipping breakfast (which is pretty much my only time with Count Chocula.) So I can eat regularly during 8 hours on Friday afternoon. Not a fan of skipping breakfast on a work morning, and I pity the people that have to deal with me before my 'feeding period.'

In doing more research, I can’t seem to actually find the proper meal to end the IF with. The original one sentence blurb in Muscle & Fitness said to gorge, so I’m just gonna go ahead with that concept. I assume in the spirit of the thing, it should be a sensible meal. But fuck that, I’m the one putting my health and sanity on the line for your entertainment, so I call the shots here. I suppose my trip to the all you can eat buffet will also possibly skew my weight on Sunday AM, but again this is my first attempt and I am not a freaking scientist.
Also not a scientist, but blinded by science nonetheless.


I should also note I am currently eating as I write this. This is not gonna be easy. So wish me luck and health. Mostly health. Yea, mostly health.

Saturday, January 2, 2016

My Totally Attainable 2016 New Year's Resolutions

I am not a big believer in New Year’s Resolutions. I really don’t think there’s a damn of difference if you make a ‘resolution’ on January 1 or March 7 or July 29. In fact, I am pretty sure there’s enough research out there that NYRs are easier to break. But in the spirit of “getting my shit together,” I have decided to make a few. And at the end of the year, we’ll come back and revisit just how I did. Boom, two posts already for 2016! Now, I don’t know how to add to perfection, but if I had to make just a few guesses, here’s what I’d do. (Please note, the number following the resolution is the probability of making the resolution happen on a scale of one to ten, with 10 being 100% definitely happening to 1 being no chance in hell.)

Write more (10)
I should just stop here.

Read more. Starting with that stack of magazines over there. From 2015. (8)

Get 7 Day Abs!  Big arms! Broad back! My #1 best money move right now! (5. Actually these are the cover blurbs of the Men’s Fitness November issue.)

Spend more time with dogs. (9)

Get a tattoo that has a deep and personal meaning. Then refuse to tell anyone exactly just what that meaning is. (1)

Be more positive; just not in the Charlie Sheen way. (7)

Buy more (preferably physical) music. Yea, I said it, buy it not steal it. I want to support the artists who mean something to me. All these shit heads that steal music, then wonder why they’re stuck listening to something called “I heart radio.” Seriously, what the hell is that? What guy over the age of 20 feels confident saying, “I listen to I heart radio.” Sometimes I force myself to listen to the Top Ten and then openly weep about how bad it is. People actually think it’s music. It’s all soulless, mass produced, auto tuned, temporary horse shit. (9)

Develop better time management skills. There are apparently grown people who are married and have children, and still have time to binge watch TV.
Now THIS is time management.
And I’m over here turning my underwear inside out because I don’t have time to do the wash. (6 ½)

Less time on social media, more time on actually being social. (6)

Learn how to properly fold a fitted sheet. (1)

Drink less. Looking at you, green tea, with all your free radicals and healthy anti-oxidants. Hit the road! (6)

2016 is the year I finally get abs. Or learn PhotoShop. One or the other. (2)
"Every day is ab day, brah."

Better plan for the future. With that in mind, Happy 2017 everybody!! (6)

Travel more, blab about it less. (7)

Finally buy into the hype of coconut oil, and use it for the following: tooth paste, mouth wash, shampoo, soap, motor oil, ear wax remover, dish detergent, screen cleaner, sunscreen, contact lens conditioner, deodorant, tobacco, topical pain reliever, aspirin, turn signal fluid, bear repellent (working so far!) toilet bowl cleaner, shaving cream, fertilizer, caulk, paint remover, adhesive, hallucinogen, fat burner and car wax. (4)

Watch less TV. (5)

Finally use a selfie stick. (0.0)

Train my bladder to not wake me up twice a night (at least) to pee. (2)

Commit to “Adventure Saturday.” At least once a week, go somewhere we’ve never gone (restaurant, non nerdy museum, “that place we always wanted to check out”) or do something we’ve never done. (7)

Not kill someone during my seemingly daily fits of road rage. (8 ½ to 1, depending on mood)

Learn at least one chord on guitar that is not actually the cord I use to plug it in. (4)


Finally see the new Star Wars before it gets spoiled for me. (5)

Lumberjack beard! (5)

Find a picture of myself where I’m actually confident to use the hash tag “SexyBeast.” (2)
No lie. This actually came up in a GIS for sexy beast. You're welcome, ladies.


Stretch more. (7)

Finally feel comfortable enough to read Playboy just for the articles now. In public. (6)

Vote. (10)

Only have 98 problems, but the bitch still ain’t one. (8)

Continue to be everybody’s funniest friend on Facebook. (17)

Watch less news. I know, this might make me ignorant and all, but I have found the world to be a much better place when I’m not constantly barraged with all it’s bad news. (9)
I left the caption in so anyone under 40 can kinda get the reference.

Take more pictures with my real camera. (8)