Bullshit Facts About Myself (Work Edition)

Open up work email; hey, we're having everyone in for a meeting! (Yea, I know, that's a rough open, but it's the best I can do on a Tuesday.)

And to make things even more douchetastic, we’re going to be doing-wait for it-ice breakers! I have been asked to forward three random facts about myself. As a struggling writer and accomplished asshole, I find myself conflicted. This makes me feel happy, because most edgy writers seem to have some sort of conflict that is fuel. The angel on my shoulder says to get in the spirit of the thing and offer appropriate facts. The devil on my shoulder says let’s make wild shit up. And since the bar likes to take this thing called “money” in exchange for the ambrosia that is “alcohol,” I think the angel wins out this time. But the devil is the one that mostly writes these blogs and my better stories.

 I mean, it could be worse. What’s worse than ice breakers? (You know you know the answer, you just don’t wanna say it.) Role playing! No, not the sexy kind with cable guys, pool boys or where the chick gets “stuck.” No, the kind of role playing where there are totally unrealistic situations and you respond by spouting out company jargon. Can we please just move past this? Isn’t there a PowerPoint we need to see or something?

And this is exactly why I need to be a writer; for the life of me I can’t come up with even three interesting facts about my boring ass. Instead, all these come out. So while I struggle to come up with three facts that make me seem like the Most Interesting Man in the Room and impress the lone hot girl, I will use my time by doing what I apparently do best; screwing around and making no additional money. Maybe my high school guidance counselor was right about me.

As I envision it, these “facts” will be read aloud in a cold meeting room.

Three swigs of whiskey, first thing in the morning, every morning.

I like to crop dust meeting rooms.

I think that people who look at Facebook while they are supposed to be working are big, fait, hairy losers.

I was the sixth grade spelling champ. (True). The winning word was apodyopsis.

This was quite popular in Catholic school.

Taylor Swift wrote a song about me.

There’s so many lies on my resume, I’ve honestly forgotten what’s true and what’s not.

I have eleven fingers. (Watch everyone else look around the room.)

I had successful gender reassignment surgery.

A year later, I changed my mind and had another successful gender reassignment surgery.

I write a wildly successful blog.

When I was a child, my class went on a field trip to the local zoo. We went into the snake house. No one knew that a poisonous snake got loose. Before anyone could stop it, the snake bit me. And then I bit that sunna bitch right back.

I see a shrink 3 times a week for what he’s termed “murderous tendencies.”

I’ve appeared on American Idol. And The Voice. And The Four. And Rockstar; INXS. And Nashville Star. And every other POS music reality show you morons can’t seem to get enough of.

Every pair of underwear I own says “Tuesday.”

I dated Ms. Wisconsin, then dumped her for Ms. North Dakota.

This is really the current Ms. North Dakota. Eyebrows kinda on fleek, but not too shabby.

I played pro lacrosse in my early 20s.

I was a professional foot model. (OK, inside joke, I once wrote for a blog under a redic fake name-we all did-and those last two facts were in my bio. Good times.)

Connor McGregor is afraid of me.

I was in a famous viral video. I didn’t know those two girls, but I did supply what was in the cup.

I wasn’t born in America. I was born in one of those shithole countries.

I have a patent for the 27^th letter of the alphabet.

I run marathons in my spare time.

I read every email and enjoy working nights and weekends.

I changed the signature in my email to “Holla at ya boy” and no one has ever noticed.

My last concert was Luke Bryan. He’s great. Especially when he’s wearing a cap.

Tell me there's some sort of machine somewhere that just churns out all these dudes that look the same.

I enjoy independent films in my downtime.

I find role playing a useful and worthwhile exercise during these meetings.

Best piece of business advice I ever got; don’t shit where you eat. And on an unrelated note, sorry, Gina, but it’s over. Stop sitting next to me.

The Google Game

Hello, and welcome to an exciting new feature here on KT. I've had this idea rattling about in my head for some time. And after posting yesterdays' Mandy Moore is watching me pee Klog, and seeing the number of hits I got and where they were coming from, I realized now is the perfect time to start the Google Game. Brilliant, creative idea, or cheap way to get hits? You be the judge.

The Google Game works like this. At a random time, I will look at Google Trends. if you don't spend any time there, you should. It's a great and immediate way to see what stories are hot at the moment. Anyway, a lot of the gigs I apply to look for something called SEO-Search Engine Optimization. Which is essentailly just using hot key words to attract readers. Based on the above Mandy Moore story, I got all kinds of new hits-and new readers, I am sure-from people just Googling her name. So if I throw in all the hot terms being searched for on Google right now..... I think you get my drift. Say for example, you write a blog about, I don't know , gardening. Well, if you wanted to attract new readers via Google search, you might want to write something like "As I was planting daisies, I was listening to Michael Jackson while wearing my favorite Steve McNair jersey." Jackpot!

The game will be to use the top 10 (give or take) terms from Google. Repeats do not count, so it will be just one mention of said term, and this will also allow for more terms to be used. All I have to do is come up with a brief, semi-coherent, passibly humorous story, and watch the hits roll in. I am sure like a ton of other dunderheaded bloggers thought of this, in which case I 1) apologize in advance and 2) say your blog will be nowhere near funny as mine. Sorry, that's just the way it is. Anyway, let's get to it. Based on Google terms from Tuesday 7/7 at 2:01.

The Michael Jackson Memorial service(1) is being televised right now, but I wouldn't know that, because I am looking at pictures of athletes wives. Right now I am looking at pictures of Andy Reid's wife. I always thought he just ate her. Anyway, next I will look at QBs wives, I am sure they are all hot, even if said QB doesn't play anymore. I bet guys like Steve McNair (2) have a smoking wife. Not like the poor schmo I know who's dating this Iranian chick or something. Fucked up name like Sahel Kazemi (3) or something just as guilty sounding. Man, she's crazy and I hope can't get a gun in this country.

Can someone tell me why Nicole Bobek (4) isn't in the Tour de France 209 standings yet? Maybe it's because she is a former figure skater? Last I heard, she was working at Hexagon Security (5) guarding Forest Lawn Cemetary (6). I think she works with Joyce De Witt (7), and Joyce has detail guarding Roger Stone Palin (8). I heard he likes the Tall Ships in Boston, MA 2009 (9) and can even secure the ships to the dock with the Gordian Knot (10).

Ok, so that's the first Google Game. If you're new to my blog, I humbly ask you to stay for a while, kick your shoes off (but watch, the dog might get them), and help yourself to whatever is in the fridge and check out some more of my stuff.

Back to The Future

I am not a big proponent of moving a step back to take a step forward. In fact, I can't envision many scenarios where dwelling in the past can lead to any positive result. Unless you're me. Because I am special, more special than you. My mommy tells me so. Do as I say, not as I do is how the saying goes. So go figure I think I have found a situation where revisiting my youth might benefit me, and the Internet at large.

As I follow "this writing thing", I have recently landed a gig (gig=free) writing for a site called Isurvivedthe80s.com. You can bookmark the site and check out my first post here:http://www.isurvivedthe80s.com/?p=131 Be sure to check there often, as I won't be posting those Klogs either here or over on K Theory. Remember, clicks equals love, and with AdSense, I just might get a buck or 2. Beats busking on the subway platform.

I know on the surface, it seems pretty easy stuff to write about. But I do find it challenging. For one thing, I am limited in my subject matter. Sure, it's pretty fucking hard to exhaust a category that is a decade long. But, hey, even That 70s Show ran it's course. Plus, while I really did/do enjoy a lot of the 80s stuff, I am not a big fan of recalling what a fucking loser I was. Most great writers seem to get humor from pain, and if that is the case, I should be one funny motherfucker on this site.

The site is relatively new, so it's cool to help shape it and see what the crowd is and what type of stuff they react to. I admit, while I was writing my first post, I had the 80s Sirius channel on, and it was quite a trip. It will be fun to see what type of stuff I come up with, and what Sun-In colored memories will appear. I humbly ask you to drop in from time to time. That would be like, totally awesome and tubular. Totally.

My First Real Writing Gig

There’s big news here today at Kev Theory. Friends who read my Leap post a few weeks back might remember. I had sent some of my Klogs to various sites. It took a while-a long while, actually-but I am glad to tell you today, I am a published music critic.

Put the world on alert, my slow path to world domination is starting to roll.

This wouldn’t have happened if not for the few brave souls who read my stuff and occasionally send me comments. So I thank you. And tell you I still need your help. No, no I am not asking for monetary donations (but I wouldn’t turn them down, either). We all know how popularity is measured on the net; it is measured in clicks. So I kindly ask between your normal Internet viewing of kids falling off skateboards and gnarly MMA leg breaks, to go show my review some love.

I am lucky in that the site I am doing this for wants humor in their reviews. There are some really funny, talented writers there, so I know I will have to raise my game a bit. Some of the reviewers got over 2,000 hits, and I don’t want to be the pathetic soul who gets like 17. Also, no one uses their real names on the site. We all use fake names. I have the link for my brilliant review below. If you don’t get the joke behind my name, you haven’t been reading me too much.


http://godonnybrook.com/home/?p=2294