I Answer My Rejection Emails Vol 3

 

 

Welcome to Volume 3 of the most riveting series on the Internets that no one is reading. I’m not really one for conspiracy theories, but that seems to be in vogue with the dullards these days. But I do suspect these pieces of internet comedy gold are not making it through the FB algo rhythm for some reason. Which is odd, because whenever I mistakenly hit the Home button on FB, it’s nothing but bad news, designed to generate clicks and piss me off. So why is my shit not getting through? So Imma try a lil’ sumthin’ different today. This is also why I ask you to subscribe to the Best Blogs No One Reads. I guess my “job” these days is making you feel better, so let’s get to it.

From 5/22

Hi KEVIN ,

Thank you for expressing interest in X  and for taking the time to apply for the X opening.

Our team has reviewed your application. At this time, we will not be moving forward with your application, which we understand might be disappointing, but please do not let this discourage you.

With that being said, please continue to review available opportunities on our career site.

Best wishes, Talent Acquisition Team at X

 

Hey X

While that was a bit of a rough open (using all caps is viewed as yelling in established internet culture), I appreciate your brief and economical reply. That is also how I would describe my resume. All fine by me. However, I will not be keeping an eye out to review available opps in the future.

From 5/20

Hi Kevin,

 

Thank you for submitting your resume for the X position at X.

 

After reviewing your experience and qualifications, we decided to move forward with other candidates.

 

We wish you the best in your job search and invite you to regularly check our careers page for other openings.

Regards,
X HR

Dear X HR

You guys don’t get paid by the word, eh? I’ll make my reply just as dry and brief-fuck off. I have decided to move on to other opportunities.

Fuck off again,

Kev

 

From 5/15

Hi Kevin,

Thank you for taking the time to apply for the X role at X. We appreciate your interest and the effort you put into your application.

After careful consideration, we regret to inform you that we have decided to move forward with other candidates who more closely match the requirements for the role.

We encourage you to apply for future openings and will keep your resume on file.

Thank you again for your interest in X. We wish you all the best in your job search.

Thank you,
X Team

Dear X Team

Do all you braindead companies subscribe to a service that just gives you the same email rejection template? I swear I’ve gotten this exact copy like a dozen times or so this month. With that in mind, I also subscribe to a service that gives me the same braindead email to send back:

You guys don’t get paid by the word, eh? I’ll make my reply just as dry and brief-fuck off. I have decided to move on to other opportunities.

Fuck off again,

Kev

From 4/24

Hi Kevin,

Thank you for your interest in the X position with X.  Unfortunately, this position has been filled at this time. 

New positions are opening every week and so we do encourage you to look at our job board and apply for any position you believe fits your qualifications and expertise.

Thank you again for your application.

Sincerely,

(Seriously, this is like déjà vu! This one seems familiar, right? I went back to the previous 2 posts to see if I already replied to this one. I did not. Now I truly believe they just copy and paste this shit from the first hit on Google.)

Dear X,

I think you mean “fortunately this position has been filled.” Your reply is soulless, much like I imagine your culture. Know how I know this? You lazily didn’t even put anything after Sincerely in your sign off. You don’t pay attention to detail, so I shouldn’t expect you to pay attention to high level talent.

Sincerely,

In case you didn't get that signoff

I Answer My Rejection Emails Vol 2

 

Yup, Monday sure does come pretty damn quick on what is most likely a 3 day weekend. (Or a 232 day weekend in my case. Yes, I did the math on that. Seems like only a 132 days weekend, whatevs.)  Welcome to Vol 2 of me responding to my rejection emails. (alternatively titled “Aren’t You Glad You’re Not Me”)  You can read Vol 1 here. A slight update from last week, I am no longer using ‘redacted,’ just using a big ol’ capital X instead of the idiot company or job I was applying for. Look at me being more efficient! How do I put this on my LinkedIn profile? Anyway…

 

 From 6/29-less than an hour after applying

Hi Kevin,

Thank you for your interest in X and investing the time to apply for X. We know there are a lot of organizations to choose from when finding a home for your talents to shine, we're honored that you considered us.  After careful consideration, we have decided to move forward with other candidates whose backgrounds and experiences more closely align with the requirements of the role. At X, we deeply believe in the potential of people to grow and find success in their career paths. While this specific role might not have been the right alignment, your unique skills and abilities hold significant value. We encourage you to explore other open positions on our Careers Page, as there may be opportunities where your expertise can truly shine. To stay informed about these, please ensure you’ve opted in to receive notifications on your account profile. Thank you again for considering X, where together we help people, organizations, and communities around the world prepare their workforce for a better tomorrow. We wish you all the best in your job search and future career endeavors. Thank you, Talent Acquisition Team

Hi Buttholes-

I commend your quickness to move forward with other candidates. TBH, you were an experiment at best. Despite what the eggheads at LinkedIn told me that I would be a ‘High” match, and JobScan seemed pretty tight with me as well. All good, I really do appreciate how quick you nuke applicants and don’t leave us hanging. Best of luck to you. I will not opt in for future notifications. You only get one shot with me.

 

 From Saturday 6/27

 Hello Kevin,

 

Thank you for your application for the X position at X. At this time, the position has been filled. We encourage you to keep X in mind for future opportunities as you continue your career search.

 

We will keep your resume on file and hope you stay in touch for future opportunities. We will reach out if we have anything that opens on our end that we see you may be a fit for. In the meantime, bookmark our career page to stay up to date on new jobs, express interest in other departments and locations, and receive regular emails on company updates. We look forward to connecting!

 

Thanks again and have a great day!

Hi jerkoff,

I nary appreciate the arrival of this email at 9:18 on a Saturday. That’s kinda bad pool here in the world of common sense. OR, some poor schmoe is actually working at this shithole on a Saturday morning. Yea, I generally thrive in ‘normal business hours.’ Either way, this doesn’t sound like a landing place for a man of my skills. Seems sketch to me that this job was available today, but now suddenly filled. I hope whoever is responsible for the content and timing of this email will blow off their fingers this 4^th. I will have one extra finger for ya…..

Kev

 

 

And this doozy of an exchange on 6/22 12:35 PM that I alluded to last week. I sent an application this this jabroni company. Yes, I said jabroni, but, honestly, if the Zamboni company was hiring, I’d totes apply to be a driver. So, I sent in my app, and get this reply back.

Hi Kevin,

Thank you for applying to the X role! I’ve reviewed your background, and your experience scaling X’s regional X program into a national playbook looks incredibly impressive.

Ahead of scheduling a potential call, we are asking our top candidates to provide a bit more context on their specific X frameworks. Could you please reply directly to this email with a brief response to the question below?

• Bullet point I had AI help me with.

Once I receive your response and we are aligned on those operational mechanics, I will send over a link to get our introductory phone screen scheduled.

Looking forward to your insights!

Best regards,

The Talent Aquisition Team

 

Right after this, I got a text from their HR representative Adrianna following up this email. Nice, I like they have initiative and seem really interested in me. Warm fuzzies!

So between AI and my own AI-actual intelligence-I come up with a strong and appropriate answer, that I send on 6/23 1:09 PM Also, this is our safe space, it was kind of fictional as well. (See last week’s edition about the benefits of working jobs that no longer exist.) But it’s rooted in honesty and experience, and it’s something all us loser unemployed have to do to keep the lights on.

6/24 fucking 3:25 AM
Hi Kevin,

Thank you for taking the time to interview with us. We truly appreciate the effort you put into the process and the opportunity to learn more about your background.

After careful consideration, although your experiences and skills are impressive, our hiring leaders have decided to move forward with other candidates. We sincerely appreciate your interest in joining X, and we wish you all the best in your future endeavors.

We embrace our value of optimism and have big plans for X’s future! With that, new roles will be opening regularly. Please check back for opportunities that may be a right fit for your career goals.

Respectfully,
Talent Acquisition

Dear Adrianna

Oh, sweetie. We need to talk. Your lack of attention to detail is apparent in this form email. You never had the sublime pleasure of an interview with me. Sent to me at 3 GD 25 in the morning?!  How inappropriate, you dirty pirate hooker. My answer was solid, and we both know it. If you don’t want that level of talent in your company, take a long hike off a short pier, sister.  

And, for real, do you end this sad form email of slop hyping your company?!? You “embrace optimism and have big plans?” WHAT. DAFUQ. IS. THAT? If you’re not hiring me, why would I give two shits about any of this? This seems like y’all gloating. If I understand your standard line of bewlshit correctly, I am “impressive,” but not impressive enough for an interview at this point? Why would I want “opportunities” from your shithole of a company? I personally wish you no ill will, but if you were, perhaps, to be in a tanning bed in a Final Destination type situation, I would not feel bad.

I am optimistic your future bad hire sets you back 5 years.

Go pound sand

Kev

I Answer My Rejection Emails Vol 1

 

Yep, I am still unemployed. Know how I know that? Because I get rejection email. A lot. Like almost every day a lot. There’s nothing worse than opening your email and seeing rejection. Yea, some days ya get numb to it, other days ya kinda laugh, other days you just try to hold it together. Sometimes I get these emails sent to me at 3 in the morning! Can we have some empathy here? It’s not like there is some evil gremlin that sits at a desk somewhere, waiting till 3:18 AM to send a rejection. Clearly this is automated but come the fuck on. Let’s have an agreement where rejection letters get sent after 8 AM, on weekdays; weekends strictly off limits. I have inadvertently become a collector of rejection emails. All of them say to not reply. Late last night, I had a thought. “What if I could reply? What if I could answer them back?”

Also, it’s an easy slump buster when the source material is provided, and I just have to riff off it. Why not share my pain? We all know, someone else’s pain can be funny. And, GD, I’ve been that someone for over 6 long months now. I should get some sort of coin for not jumping off a bridge already. So, please join me as I share some of my ‘favorite’ rejection emails, and how I would answer them. Even though I shouldn’t, I will protect individual names (for the most part) and company names. I am sure they will all feel the shame soon enough for not hiring a vengeful bastard like me.

In case you’re one of the lucky ones who has a meaningful job that hasn’t crushed your soul yet, here’s what us job seekers have to put up with in 2026. Have a strong base resume-but you’re going to have to tailor it to each individual job. For years, employers used an Automated Tracking System-ATS. And this mysterious ATS would tear through your resume and decide if an interview would be coming. And for years, us unemployed losers railed against this mysterious and inconsistent overlord. Human HR reps were largely removed and only saw good matches. Now, with so many different AIs available, it’s become so much easier to sync a resume to a job description-JD. Ha ha, the odds have swung to our favor! Except-

It’s still a broken system. I have chosen poorly much of my professional life, clinging to dying sectors like physical music, digital cameras and robot vacuums. The one good thing about being a black cloud is these jobs and companies don’t exist anymore, so I can invent all kinds of lies, and no one would ever know! As a result, I am not a total stranger to being jobless. (Cheap plug, go search the unemployment tag over there on the right to see my misadventures through the years.) And I can honestly say, for many reasons both in and out of my control-it’s never been this bad. The amount of truly talented people not finding meaningful jobs is crushing. And AI is not the easy and cheap answer. Because now everyone can use AI, we essentially have programs, bots and computers talking to-other programs, bots and computers. No humans necessary. It’s never been easier to be a hiring manager. Of course, the paradox is it’s also never been more difficult to be a hiring manager. Progress!

(This post is also the reason I never link anything personal to an application. They’re very nosey now. Asking all kinds of personal stuff like gender, orientation, disabilities-all this shit we’ve all been told is illegal to ask. They might be able to track down my FB, but that’s it. They ask for personal sites, Twitter, etc. Uh, yea, fuck that.)

That’s the backdrop, so let’s get to the funny, eh?

 

 

From 6/22
Dear Kevin,

Thank you for your application and we appreciate your interest in Redacted.

We regret to inform you that your profile does not fully match the requirements for the vacant position.
Thank you for taking the time to apply for this role. We wish you success in your future job seeking.

If another position becomes available that fits your profile we would welcome your application again. All open positions can be found here: 


Best regards,

Christin

HR Working Student 

Dear Christin

Thank you for the form rejection letter. However, pumpkin, there’s a few things you should know. I already interviewed for this job-with your head of HR and VP of redacted about 3 weeks ago. Y’all talk? We got about 20 minutes into the interview, when it became clear this wasn’t a fit for me or you.

I see this role it still open. As a former hiring manager myself, I should have brought up in my interview what might be an issue for your POS company. You might want to check the JD versus the actual job. As we discovered in my interview, the JD is misleading as to what the actual job is. I understand you are a German company looking to break into North America. And I can surmise (look it up) that the job is still open because the wrong people are interviewing for the job. If you clean that up, I am sure you will get the candidates you are looking for.

I hope you one day graduate and run away from this POS company.

 

 

Wow! That felt really amazing! Let’s keep going!

From 6/5
Hi Kevin,

Thank you for your interest in Redacted and taking the time to apply for the redacted - East role.

After careful consideration, we will not be moving forward with your application at this time.

Redacted is growing quickly, and we’d be delighted if you stay connected with us. Please feel free to apply to any future opportunities that align with your skills and experience, and keep an eye on our careers page for new openings.

We truly appreciate the effort you put into your application, and wish you every success in your job search.

Warm regards,
The Redacted Recruiting Team

Dear Redacted,

I have no recollection of applying to your unextraordinary company.

Regardless, fuck off if you’d think I’d apply again. You get one shot at my greatness, and you blew it. I look forward to watching you fail.

Warm regards, Kev

 

 

From 1/9 one of my earliest rejections and one of the most poorly worded ones, and it still pisses me off to this day.

Dear Kevin, Thank you for your application for Redacted and taking the time to learn about our company. Unfortunately you have not been successful in the next stage of the recruitment process.

We do hope you’ll keep us in mind when we advertise roles in the future and encourage you to apply again.

We wish you the best of luck in your job search and thank you for your interest in our company.

Kind regards,
Talent Acquisition Team

Dear Redacted Acquisition Team,

Unfortunately, YOU have not been successful in the next stage of the recruitment process! What da fuck kind of wording is that? Someone on your “team” needs to do a better job with phrasing. From the sound of this condescending email, you don’t deserve the greatness of me. I sure as fuck won’t keep you in mind, except as I write all these negative product reviews you’ve been getting.

Eat a bag of dicks and warm regards,

Kev

 

From 1/21

Hi Kevin,

Thank you for taking the time to consider joining Redacted. Our team has reviewed your application for the Redacted role and we have decided to move forward with other candidates who are a stronger match for the needs of the role.

We appreciate the time and effort you put into submitting your application and are grateful for your interest in joining us at Redacted. Although it wasn't a match this time, please don't hesitate to apply to other open roles that align with your interests and experience at- redacted

Thanks,

Redacted Talent Team

Dear Redacted Team,

Phew, this is actually a relief, I’m grateful we’re not moving forward. This job sounded like garbage, and I was taking a flyer as I was figuring out AI. I won’t be applying with you in the future for anything.

Go toss a salad,

Kev

 

From 1/28

Hi Kevin,

Thank you again for your interest in Redacted. 

I regret to share that we have decided not to proceed with your candidacy for the redacted (Remote) role.

While we found your qualifications to be impressive, we have decided to move ahead with another candidate who we feel is a better match for the team's current needs at this time. 

It was not an easy decision as we have received a lot of interest in this particular opportunity from a talented pool of candidates. 

Thank you again for your interest in Redacted and we wish you luck in your search.

Regards,
Hiring Team 

Dear Hiring Team,

In reading between the lines here, you liked my experience, but you found someone younger and dumber willing to work for slave wages. Tickling my ass with “it was not an easy decision..” is contrite. My mom will be happy to know I reside in “a talented pool of candidates.” Fuck off. I wish you luck in YOUR search.

TBH, this AI was totally AI generated. I asked Gemini to go nuts and make up something on it's own. And I do have to say, this is pretty hilarious and on brand. 

 

 

OK, last one, because I feel me getting fired up again. From 2/22

Thank you for your interest in the Redacted position at Redacted in United States. Unfortunately, we will not be moving forward with your application, but we appreciate your time and interest in Redacted.

Regards,
Redacted Software

Dear Redacted,

The amount of time it took you to send this form rejection letter is the exact amount of time I spent on my resume for this job. Fair.

 

OK, Imma leave this here. I have a ton of source material here. The plan is to make this a regular feature on Mondays, because, well, this seems like a Monday thing to do.

Hope your day is better than mine.

 

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Seriously, I do feel better after this post. I am sure you guys do, too, ya heartless bastards. I’m sitting on a really good exchange I would love to get out for volume 2.

I really need to start a community of us dirty unemployed where we rate our application and interview process. No one steal that idea while I figure out how to use Claude to make it happen.

As I was writing this, guess what I got? Yup, another rejection email.

The Doom Angel

 

I have a Doom Angel inside me. And there’s a Doom Angel inside you, too. You know EXACTLY what I’m talking about.

(BTW, how is that for a hot open? Makes you wanna read on, right?)

Kinda like what it looks like, but doom-ier IRL

Let me explain. I’ll build this bridge in two paragraphs, so we can get to all the humor and honesty you expect from me. We all have that “voice” inside us. Stay with me, this isn’t some “crazy” voice inside your head that tells you to eat bunnies or slay your annoying boss. Or is it?? This voice is also known by other terms; The Narrator, The Inner Roommate, id/ego/super ego or more commonly, it’s your self-talk. It took me years to realize this. It took me even longer to realize this ‘voice’ is generally destructive. The first book I read about this was the super heavy Untethered Soul. In that book there was an experiment to make you realize how negative this self-talk really is. As in a lot of meditation (stay with me, self-deprecating jokes are incoming, I promise), the experiment was to personify this self-talk. The idea was for 24 hours to pretend all this negative self-talk was a real person right next to you saying all this shit. I maybe lasted 40 minutes. (Dr. Theory also recommends you try this.)

No, I said DOOM Angel 

The point of personifying/labeling this is it becomes much easier to quiet down, deal with and move on. I’ve read a lot of “contrarian” self help books; books written mostly by normal people and generally have ‘shit’ or ‘fuck’ in the title. (Shout out to Mark Manson’s “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck”, Sarah Knight’s No Fucks Given books, “Let That Shit Go” by Nina Purewal & Kate Petriw, “Move on Motherfucker (MOMF)” by Jodie Eckleberry-Hunt and Jen Sincero’s “You Are A Badass.” The KT Book Club meets every 2^nd Tuesday ya shits.) A lot of them argue for personifying this voice to better deal with it. For example, if I feel a sense of rage coming on, I find it easier to deal with by labelling it; then it becomes easier to let it go. IRL, if I feel that rage coming on, I can alternately say, “Oh, that’s rage just doing what it does. I see you, and you move on along.” Or, personify the feeling, “Oh, that’s just Donnie coming in, doing what he do. You can move along now.” Get the point?

Now to be fair, a lot of time that self-talk is actually wise and constructive. It can be inhibitive- that’s how we learn to not put our hand on a hot stove. Or it can tell you, “Yea, that hot guy across the bar is attractive, but that knife he’s holding with, what appears to be blood dripping from, is a bit of a red flag, queen. It’s always a shitshow at this Bennigan’s.”

(See, jokes now happening often!) You expect honesty from me, so here are some recent examples of my positive and wise self-talk:

You do not HAVE to eat the entire gallon of Rocky Road to feel better.

No, Sarah McLachlan did not write all those songs about you.

"GD it, Kev, for the fifth fucking time, NONE of these songs are about you!"

Starting an OnlyFans for my feet is probably not a smart idea.

Just stay the fuck off social media today.

I said put the spoon down, fatty! (OK, “fatty” hurt.)

Don’t forget to clear your browsing history, King.

You better HOPE no one is tracking your ChatGPT conversations.

Go get that extra rep.

Take that one more block with the doggos.

The above is the general, run of the mill positive self-talk. But then there’s deeper, darker self-talk. I can be perfectly fine, and like a light angel, it lands, says one stupid thing and I fucking spiral. The impending sense of doom, the worst case scenario. The Doom Angel is now upon me. The Doom Angel comes to stay and play. And it is. Not. Fun.

That fucker. Ya got what I’m sayin’ now?

It’s a 24/7 world. We’re constantly being bombarded with being better or more; make more money, be in better shape, eat better, sleep better, bigger house, faster car. There’s no “good” news anymore. I have a theory that both broadcast and social media are run by Doom Angels. Or assholes, hard to tell.

Even when I know better, the Doom Angel fucks with my head. For example, why is that friend I’m texting/calling not returning my texts/calls? The Doom Angel, “Because they don’t like you anymore, they don’t care, you fucked something up.” In reality, I know it’s because they are a grown ass human with responsibilities and concerns of their own. Life gets busy, we all know it. Stop making up stories, they’ll get back to me when they have the time. They’re probably off busy dealing with their own Doom Angel. Do these guys have some sort of union we’re not aware of?  It’s cool, I’m good. The Doom Angel, “….you sure?” Fffucckkkkk.

I’ve been unemployed since right before Thanksgiving. (Merry Xmas!) Let me tell you, with some “free time”, the Doom Angel packs a cooler and moves right it. And I can absolutely spiral down when almost half the country is seemingly OK with a convicted felon who is mentioned a gazillion times in the Epstein files can “lead the country.” Yet I can’t find a GD meaningful job where I can make a decent wage and also make an impact for good. (OK, only political reference.)  I can look at a job description and not even bloody know what half the acronyms stand for anymore. And some days, IDGAF. EABOD. The Doom Angel feasts on stuff like this. SOB. Not only am I it’s bitch, I am also it’s fucking chef.

And sleep; shit, most Doomies tend to work the night shift. Long time readers know I’ve had some relatively serious sleep issues over the years. Here’s what I’ve learned that works 98% of the time, gratitude. Don’t dwell on all the negative stuff that happened today, focus on all the positive. “Today, I’m happy I got to write a blog, take the dogs on a new trail, send out some meaningful resumes, bury that body that’s been stinking up the shed, talked to a friend, said something nice to someone important, didn’t grow a tail.” Be creative here, the Doomies can’t handle that. I also have a theory the Doom Angel is what makes me pee so damn much every night: I don’t even want to think about physical manifestations at this point.

“OK, so this is great and all, Kev” you’re thinking, “So what do we do here? How do we beat it?”

Well, you can start by telling the Doom Angel, "Don't you ever come around here.
"Don't wanna see your face, you better disappear" Be sure to say it with fire in your eyes and your words are really clear. (Tell me you get that reference.*) I’m not saying I have all the answers here, but this is what has worked for me. We’ve talked about personifying it. “Hey, Doom Angel, I know you’re doing your job, but fuck off, I don’t have time for your empty bullshit.” One of the best things to do is to occupy your mind so it doesn’t even have a chance. Play a video game. Read a good book to fill your head. I highly recommend pretty much anything by Freida McFadden for something full of twists. (No, we’re not, but it is good at some level to see a McFadden be a successful writer) Read meaningful blogs…hahem. Movies and TV shows can work, but let’s not forget being more physical. Working out, going for a walk (with some dogs), creating your own art, spending time with the people who restore you. If you’re being good to yourself, the Doom Angel has no chance.

I have a feeling, now that I’ve openly talked about my dickhead Doom Angel, it will be visiting less. Looking forward to a good night’s sleep. I hope so for you, too.

 

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To get in the mood with a title like Doom Angel, I tried to find some moody Gothic music to write to but was unsuccessful. You’d think that it would be easier to find. So, I settled for the Cocteau Twins station. Close enough.

As far as the term ‘Doom Angel,’ it is also commonly referred to as the hamster wheel. But that is not as cool and would make for a HORRIBLE open. “I have a hamster inside me. You do, too.” NOPE, no one is reading anything after that. Gross.

There is no immediate GIS for Doom Angel, the first possibility is 6 rows down. I feel like I should win some sort of internet prize.

The joke with the * is most of the opening lyric to “Beat It” but I’m sure most of you got that one.

Ironically enough, Sarah does a song with Blue Rodeo named Dark Angel. That is also not about me. Allegedly.