Now, since, I am an honest sunna bitch, I will ‘fess up to occasionally watching, like 20 minutes of a Hallmark Xmas movies. But only if the girl is hot. Or accessible, depending where my evening is at that point in time. Then I finish my SkinnyTini, and put on the Bowl game like a GD man. Point is, I have experience in both.
|Pretty sure these two shot 32 more Xmas movies. Just this week alone.|
Hear me out. Most bowl games suck, as do all Hallmark Xmas movies. Both are a pleasant waste of time. When both are over, they will literally disappear from your consciousness. There’s about a zillion of each. Tubs of popcorn and bottles of beer can disappear while watching both. You can see, the experience is quite similar. We really are one village.
· Cheerleaders. And lots of them. Girl AND guy cheerleaders. The point here is to have a party, so we should all get to look at attractive people. More than likely, your party won’t have any of it’s own, so win win.
|Sorry, ladies, apparently there are not hot male cheerleaders on GIS.|
· Comedians calling the game. (And, no, I am NOT talking Dennis Miller.) Let’s face it, just like Hallmark movies, the players here are generally faceless. We typically don’t care about them, and will never think of them ever again. (Unless given a reason to, hang tight about this one.) Honestly, they could call every player on the team Vic Lagina, and we’d probably never notice. “And Lagina…..completes the pass to wide receiver Vic Lagina. Move the chains, first down.” We don’t need to fucking know the intricacies off the "Offerpad Bowl." Having one comedian in the booth to crack jokes makes the broadcast more tolerable. I guess we do need the play by play/straight guy here to play off of, fine. While I would prefer my comedian to have some custom football jokes, they would be welcome to delve into current events, but staying away from hot button topics. We’re trying to have a good time here. I wonder how much it would be to bring in Ron Burgundy?
· The Kevolution Theory presents The Meaningless Bowl Drinking Game. Well, DUH. We really need to drive the communal and fun aspect here. Say what you want, but the XFL was a fun product to watch. And much like the XFL games, college bowl games can get sloppy and boring, so we need to keep everyone engaged. Drinking game! Hell, there are tons of drinking games for Lifetime Xmas movies, so why not here? This idea is still a work in progress, as I try new ideas every game. And who vomited on the couch? Regardless, a few ideas I’m working on; 1 drink for first downs, 2 for turnovers, chug for TDs. Perfect for the whole family! Even the biggest football noob will soon be rooting for an interception returned for a TD. You go, gramma!
· Appropriate sponsors. I am pretty sure most sponsors would want to stay away from my bowl game. (Now you know why there’s never been any advertising here.) It would fall to me to cultivate my sponsors so I can actually get a pay day. Sure, I would love to throw a bone to products I actually use in my own life. However, I am pretty sure my calls to MuscleTech, Irish Spring, Coke Zero, Gatorade, Sun Bum, Extenz, SiriusXM, UnderArmour, Degree (6 days a week), NHL, etc would go unanswered. I would have to go off the beaten track to find some sponsors that I am sure would love to access my core demographic. Malibu Rum would never call me back, but maybe Calico Jack and Admiral Nelson would be happy to come aboard. (BTW, both those are my actual rums of choice, especially if they throw me a free case or 17.) I’d love to designate Tilted Kilt an as official “watch partner” of the Meaningless Bowl. Hello, you alcohol companies, can you see the cross promotion opportunities here? Some fans would prefer to watch from home; a call to the fine folks at Solo (Red Cup Division) who might want to launch a hashtag promotion with all their social media. My core demographic are boozers, so maybe a water company wants to come on board to sponsor some water breaks. Hell, I am sure those app companies that make apps to prevent drunk texting/calling would pay me a princely sum to keep viewers from making a mistake. I could tell you more ideas, but I can’t give away my entire marketing plan here. I am pretty sure those douchebags from the Outback Bowl are reading.
· Since we’re at least looking at next season for the first Meaningless Bowl, I hope to have some fans in the stadium. If so, I am bringing in some of the Bills Mafia to give lessons on how to properly pregame in the parking lot. Note to self; also find table sponsor.
· Better rules. Since I am the presenting sponsor of the Meaningless Bowl-powered by Kevolution Theory, ICYMI- I have the responsibility to make this game as exciting as possible. And we do that by switching some things up. First change, no punts. That’s right; teams go for it every time. 4th and 32 at your own 6? Tough titties, you’re throwing. Next, each team gets 1 (one) mulligan to use. Yep, one do-over on any play of their choice. Did butterfingers just fumble at the goal, and the other team run it back? You can erase that one play. However, for the purpose of the drinking game, it counts as two chugs. Them’s the rules.
· Highlighting the seniors playing their last game. In some cases, there are top draft picks playing their last game before they get drafted and ruined by the Jets and Jags. BFD. Where’s the human interest in that? I think it’s a far more compelling to tell the stories of the other 97% of the players who will never play another football game. Sure, some can go on and play arena or XFL, maybe Lingerie. The cold fact here is that for just about every player, this will be the last game they play, and they will have to fall back on that degree to make a living. There’s your fucking human interest story. But we don’t stop there; no, the Meaningless Bowl presented by Kevolution Theory will be a class act. During the game, we will allow such players to tell us their next step. They get their moment, too. Imagine how meaningful it will be to the player and family for him to declare, “Hi, this is Vic Lagina, and after the game, I’ll be an account manager at Deloitte.”
· AWS will make the football glow and leave a trail when thrown. Long live the Glow Puck!
· Is it The Kevolution Theory Meaningless Bowl? The Meaningless Bowl presented by Kevolution Theory? Kevolution Theory presents the Meaningless Bowl? I should probably figure that out before I get the hoodies made. And you damn well know I am intentionally gonna spell it Bowel on some merch to create awareness and extra income. Ka-ching!
· A good band for halftime. Unless I could get sponsors for the halftime “report” and have it take place live in the parking lot with the Bills Mafia in the background, screw it. I’d rather have a good band or two play. And, no, not the Foo Fighters.
· No “aerial coverage” if my game is played in a dome. I never understood the point.
· Entertaining prop bets at the bottom of the screen. Only if I can get sponsorship. We’re not going overboard here, just easy stuff. Bets like, will next play be run or pass? Will next reception be made by odd or even numbered jersey? Which coach will slam the phone down first? Was it your aunt or uncle who just got sick in the closet?
Who’s ready for some college football, right? Good luck watching the -ahem- Tax Slayer Bowl with their lameass rules.