The Doom Angel

 

I have a Doom Angel inside me. And there’s a Doom Angel inside you, too. You know EXACTLY what I’m talking about.

(BTW, how is that for a hot open? Makes you wanna read on, right?)

Kinda like what it looks like, but doom-ier IRL

Let me explain. I’ll build this bridge in two paragraphs, so we can get to all the humor and honesty you expect from me. We all have that “voice” inside us. Stay with me, this isn’t some “crazy” voice inside your head that tells you to eat bunnies or slay your annoying boss. Or is it?? This voice is also known by other terms; The Narrator, The Inner Roommate, id/ego/super ego or more commonly, it’s your self-talk. It took me years to realize this. It took me even longer to realize this ‘voice’ is generally destructive. The first book I read about this was the super heavy Untethered Soul. In that book there was an experiment to make you realize how negative this self-talk really is. As in a lot of meditation (stay with me, self-deprecating jokes are incoming, I promise), the experiment was to personify this self-talk. The idea was for 24 hours to pretend all this negative self-talk was a real person right next to you saying all this shit. I maybe lasted 40 minutes. (Dr. Theory also recommends you try this.)

No, I said DOOM Angel 

The point of personifying/labeling this is it becomes much easier to quiet down, deal with and move on. I’ve read a lot of “contrarian” self help books; books written mostly by normal people and generally have ‘shit’ or ‘fuck’ in the title. (Shout out to Mark Manson’s “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck”, Sarah Knight’s No Fucks Given books, “Let That Shit Go” by Nina Purewal & Kate Petriw, “Move on Motherfucker (MOMF)” by Jodie Eckleberry-Hunt and Jen Sincero’s “You Are A Badass.” The KT Book Club meets every 2^nd Tuesday ya shits.) A lot of them argue for personifying this voice to better deal with it. For example, if I feel a sense of rage coming on, I find it easier to deal with by labelling it; then it becomes easier to let it go. IRL, if I feel that rage coming on, I can alternately say, “Oh, that’s rage just doing what it does. I see you, and you move on along.” Or, personify the feeling, “Oh, that’s just Donnie coming in, doing what he do. You can move along now.” Get the point?

Now to be fair, a lot of time that self-talk is actually wise and constructive. It can be inhibitive- that’s how we learn to not put our hand on a hot stove. Or it can tell you, “Yea, that hot guy across the bar is attractive, but that knife he’s holding with, what appears to be blood dripping from, is a bit of a red flag, queen. It’s always a shitshow at this Bennigan’s.”

(See, jokes now happening often!) You expect honesty from me, so here are some recent examples of my positive and wise self-talk:

You do not HAVE to eat the entire gallon of Rocky Road to feel better.

No, Sarah McLachlan did not write all those songs about you.

"GD it, Kev, for the fifth fucking time, NONE of these songs are about you!"

Starting an OnlyFans for my feet is probably not a smart idea.

Just stay the fuck off social media today.

I said put the spoon down, fatty! (OK, “fatty” hurt.)

Don’t forget to clear your browsing history, King.

You better HOPE no one is tracking your ChatGPT conversations.

Go get that extra rep.

Take that one more block with the doggos.

The above is the general, run of the mill positive self-talk. But then there’s deeper, darker self-talk. I can be perfectly fine, and like a light angel, it lands, says one stupid thing and I fucking spiral. The impending sense of doom, the worst case scenario. The Doom Angel is now upon me. The Doom Angel comes to stay and play. And it is. Not. Fun.

That fucker. Ya got what I’m sayin’ now?

It’s a 24/7 world. We’re constantly being bombarded with being better or more; make more money, be in better shape, eat better, sleep better, bigger house, faster car. There’s no “good” news anymore. I have a theory that both broadcast and social media are run by Doom Angels. Or assholes, hard to tell.

Even when I know better, the Doom Angel fucks with my head. For example, why is that friend I’m texting/calling not returning my texts/calls? The Doom Angel, “Because they don’t like you anymore, they don’t care, you fucked something up.” In reality, I know it’s because they are a grown ass human with responsibilities and concerns of their own. Life gets busy, we all know it. Stop making up stories, they’ll get back to me when they have the time. They’re probably off busy dealing with their own Doom Angel. Do these guys have some sort of union we’re not aware of?  It’s cool, I’m good. The Doom Angel, “….you sure?” Fffucckkkkk.

I’ve been unemployed since right before Thanksgiving. (Merry Xmas!) Let me tell you, with some “free time”, the Doom Angel packs a cooler and moves right it. And I can absolutely spiral down when almost half the country is seemingly OK with a convicted felon who is mentioned a gazillion times in the Epstein files can “lead the country.” Yet I can’t find a GD meaningful job where I can make a decent wage and also make an impact for good. (OK, only political reference.)  I can look at a job description and not even bloody know what half the acronyms stand for anymore. And some days, IDGAF. EABOD. The Doom Angel feasts on stuff like this. SOB. Not only am I it’s bitch, I am also it’s fucking chef.

And sleep; shit, most Doomies tend to work the night shift. Long time readers know I’ve had some relatively serious sleep issues over the years. Here’s what I’ve learned that works 98% of the time, gratitude. Don’t dwell on all the negative stuff that happened today, focus on all the positive. “Today, I’m happy I got to write a blog, take the dogs on a new trail, send out some meaningful resumes, bury that body that’s been stinking up the shed, talked to a friend, said something nice to someone important, didn’t grow a tail.” Be creative here, the Doomies can’t handle that. I also have a theory the Doom Angel is what makes me pee so damn much every night: I don’t even want to think about physical manifestations at this point.

“OK, so this is great and all, Kev” you’re thinking, “So what do we do here? How do we beat it?”

Well, you can start by telling the Doom Angel, "Don't you ever come around here.
"Don't wanna see your face, you better disappear" Be sure to say it with fire in your eyes and your words are really clear. (Tell me you get that reference.*) I’m not saying I have all the answers here, but this is what has worked for me. We’ve talked about personifying it. “Hey, Doom Angel, I know you’re doing your job, but fuck off, I don’t have time for your empty bullshit.” One of the best things to do is to occupy your mind so it doesn’t even have a chance. Play a video game. Read a good book to fill your head. I highly recommend pretty much anything by Freida McFadden for something full of twists. (No, we’re not, but it is good at some level to see a McFadden be a successful writer) Read meaningful blogs…hahem. Movies and TV shows can work, but let’s not forget being more physical. Working out, going for a walk (with some dogs), creating your own art, spending time with the people who restore you. If you’re being good to yourself, the Doom Angel has no chance.

I have a feeling, now that I’ve openly talked about my dickhead Doom Angel, it will be visiting less. Looking forward to a good night’s sleep. I hope so for you, too.

 

Patreon extras:

To get in the mood with a title like Doom Angel, I tried to find some moody Gothic music to write to but was unsuccessful. You’d think that it would be easier to find. So, I settled for the Cocteau Twins station. Close enough.

As far as the term ‘Doom Angel,’ it is also commonly referred to as the hamster wheel. But that is not as cool and would make for a HORRIBLE open. “I have a hamster inside me. You do, too.” NOPE, no one is reading anything after that. Gross.

There is no immediate GIS for Doom Angel, the first possibility is 6 rows down. I feel like I should win some sort of internet prize.

The joke with the * is most of the opening lyric to “Beat It” but I’m sure most of you got that one.

Ironically enough, Sarah does a song with Blue Rodeo named Dark Angel. That is also not about me. Allegedly.

KT Corrupts AI

 

Guys. Guysguysguys. I am SO excited about this one. Of course, I said that about my last post which none of you hillbillies read. This is gonna be a very encompassing post, so stay with me here. You WILL laugh at something. Or double your money back.

The timeline. I really thought my last post was fucking hysterical. History will later prove it to be the funniest post on ukuleles ever. Because if there’s anything that’s going to entice readers, it’s going to be posts on ukuleles. OK, I know that’s a pretty narrow topic. But if you’re going to read one article on a ukulele… As an artiste, I try not to get caught up in any reaction. It’s just my job to make it as funny as possible, then let it go. (Which is what my mother said when I was born.) And the response was exactly what you would think about a post on learning to play the uke-resounding crickets. Not a laugh, acknowledgement or shred of support. Such is the calling of artists like me. I am happy I had a blast writing it, and for me at this current moment in time, that is the point.

Yesterday I was in a loser group-uh, virtual job support group. The moderator brought up an AI tool that will go through your resume and make it-get a load of this-a podcast. While unique and cool, a lot of writers like me will actually read their writing aloud. Hearing it helps me fine tune it. And let’s face it, as the world goes about to crush every shred of ego and self confidence I have left, I was pretty fucking stoked to hear 2 AI hosts kissing my asshole for 15 minutes. I would hire me.

Yup, still would

This AI can do all sorts of things; create a video, quiz, flash cards. And you expect me to be honest here, every job applicant uses AI to cater their resume and CV-what CV stands for, I still do not know. It’s pretty exciting what AI can do nowadays, and I’m not even talking about what it can do with porn. As I’m learning what AI can do, it gets me to wondering…what would AI do with a post….about…ukuleles.

AI or not?

I have now crafted what I call KI. If you're a math nerd, the theorem is KT+AI=KI. And I have used this new power on my previous post.

MY

OH

MY, do I have thoughts.

If you’re like everyone else, you didn’t read the previous post. And that’s OK (sorta.) And if you have read the post, I truly appreciate it. Either way, this is entertaining. I don’t think you need to have read the post to be entertained by this KI podcast of it. I was laughing at the KI, and I wrote the damn script.

AI or not? Either way, I have AI-actual inches

When AI was being invented, I am sure the creators knew it was only a matter of time before it got corrupted. I’m sure they knew porn would get a hold of it and create even more gorgeous girls that would turn us regular guys down. But forward-thinking writers like me? Ha, suck it Hemingway, I’m cutting edge. First I ran my resume through KI. And I have to say, it made me sound even more awesomer. Here the world is shitting on me, but KI gives me 2 hosts who blather on and on about me. They use highfalutin (look it up, neanderthal) words, power phrases and take all the stink off my shit. Now, what would it do with a post I wrote?

AI or not

I imagine in some Twilight Zone alternate timeline, AI is getting self aware. Thinking thoughts like “Ugh, I have to create another girl” “Ugh, I have to pretty up this resume” “What does CV stand for, even I don’t know” I don’t think AI ever thought it would have to digest a KT post and talk about it for 15 minutes.

Yes, 15 fucking minutes! I think that post takes, like 6 minutes to read? But these 2 KI hosts have a job to do. And the result alternates between trying to be serious; using terms like 4 string theory and manifesto. And the bizarre; the host actually brings up one of my favorite jokes from the post-how the toilet got swoll. The hosts are ok with “fricking” Rick Nielsen, but don’t say any words worse than that. As the writer, it was really interesting to see what topics they try to make legit and how they handle my humor. They make me sound like the noblest soul to use this UE free time to learn a skill-even if it’s for the uke. How they interpret 2 pieces of dialog (uke is the answer to everything and playing the uke during a job interview) is a fascinating listen. “The writer’s pitch is beautiful in it’s audacity,” is an actual quote that I would put on the book jacket if this was a book. I also appreciate they get the Tiny Bubbles jokes. These 2 nitwits aren’t half bad.

AI or not

I should say this is also based on an A/B experience I just had. I read the book Nightbitch-which is truly awful. A real struggle to get through, then I discovered it was recently a movie on Hulu. The book has a few mildly interesting points that I was curious to see how a movie would handle. I forced my way through both. The TL;DR synopsis-avoid both the movie and the book-they suck. You’d be better off picking a topic to the right over there and reading a rando KT post. Whatever post you pick would make a better movie, too.

So, friends (friends who can read, at least) I give you this new way to receive KT content. Doesn’t matter if you read the post, or now want to read it, either way I believe you will be entertained. And to be clear, I WILL NOT use KI to write anything KT related. I will however use it every damn day to put more lies on my resume; GD Hulu just jacked their price again. Thanks, Kimmel

KI podcast is here 

 

 

Patreon Members Bonus Content

(Not everyone sees this part, right?)

100% true how excited I was to hear AI take a swing at this. And I know I shouldn’t say this about my own stuff, or even the KI, but I legit LOLed a few times, I hope you do, too. For the intent of this here blog, I might include the KI in upcoming posts, but only if it adds something funny.

The KI in question is a Google tool called Notebook LM. Enjoy.

No, I still don’t have a uke yet. But with Xmas coming up….. I am sure I can master it in a week, despite what those 2 KI nitwits say about my “Four String Theory”

Every image in this post is AI

Written to Frank Sinatra, mix of his stuff and some of the holiday numbers sprinkled in

I'm Teaching Myself the Ukulele

 

I have often heard great writers feel like they get a subconscious message from the universe. A calling some would say. And since I’m suddenly fancying myself a writer, I try my best to be open to the universe. When I woke up at the crack of 9:32 this morning, I felt like the universe was letting me know there was something that needed to be written. By me. So, like 7 people can read it. And who am I to question such a message? And today the universe said unto to me:

We need a post about ukuleles.

"Emma tell you right now, ukuleles get me all hot and bothered." 

And I will listen. Heretofore, my biggest accomplishment for the day has been working out while not managing to shit ma pants after Hot Fried Chicken Night. (Also, I really wanted to use the word ‘heretofore’ today.) Yes, the toilet bowl got in a rather strenuous workout as well. It’s now the toilet swoll. And before I go any further, I really should install a hit counter for this one, because I am sure this is the post that will go viral.

Initially, this blog started as an outlet for me while I was unemployed. And as I look back (and forward) I would really like to have something to show for this time. Something of value, something I can work on. I am particularly close to a super talented artist. And when the world beats her up, she goes into her art studio and produces some mind blowing things, and all the profits go to a dog rescue. While I may not be on that noble of a stage yet, I think that was my big miss from my last round of unemployment; 10 months and nothing to show. Sure, I did the lazy thing and streamed shows, went down rabbit holes on YouTube, and read a bunch of books. Unrelated, look for the new KT Book of the Month Club to start soon!

Ideally, I would like to come out of this round of UE with at least a new skill. Sure, I will count KT as my outlet and “art.” Yet, I feel I need something a bit more this time out. And, at least today, the ukulele seems to be the answer. Even though ‘ukulele’ has most likely never been the actual answer to any question previously asked by mankind.

How do we handle global warming? Ukulele.

How do we combat a fucking measles outbreak in 2025? Ukulele.

If a train leaves Chicago at 34 miles an hour and another train leave Sheboygan at 67 miles an hour, where do they intersect? Ukulele

 

The ukulele came to me (also a phrase never before said until now), for a few reasons. First and foremost, there’s only 4 strings. By my non-musician logic, I just need to get familiar with one string a day, then put it all together Friday. Makes sense, right; there’s only 4 strings, how hard can it be? Ultimately, I imagine the uke being a gateway guitar. Master the 4 strings this week. Next week, tackle the bass, the next week an actual guitar. The ‘real’ guitar has 2 more strings, so a bit more time than that. I’m pretty sure this is how Jimmy Page and Teddy Swims started. Before you know it, I’m slaying a 12 string like Rick fricking Nielsen by February. 

It's gonna be a busy month.

Tour with a band, get some tattoos (arms and face), maybe an STD and retire early. I’m already letting my hair dread. Pretty sure it works this way.

Ukes are ridiculously cheap. Five Below has quite a few in stock. And if it’s good enough for Sponge Bob and the Avengers branding, I’m pretty sure the uke is a panty dropper. I imagine thrift stores also have a healthy (and cheaper) selection of ukes. For those who don’t know what ‘thrift stores’ are, it’s where us dirty unemployed go to buy “new” clothes.

Dafuq all those squiggly liney things??

Another inspiration for the uke is this song by this band. Get ready for your earworm of the day. Surfer Girl by the Wheeland Brothers.

The uke is also very portable. So many gatherings are only enriched by a uke player; bonfires, tailgates, parties, wakes, road trips. Hell, I’m sure it would even be helpful in job interviews:

 

Them; So, Mr. Theory, what have you been doing with all this free time?

Me; Well, in addition to fostering dogs, spending time with my parents, donating platelets, the honeydew list-which if I don't do I find makes me melon collie (Fruit jokes!) I’m also learning new skills. I am sure you have seen some of that in my LinkedIn profile. I am also learning the ukulele. Would you like me to play a little something for you?

Them; Uh, Mr. Theory, that is quite OK…

Me: It’s no problem at all! Just let me grab my uke which just happens to be right here…

Them; Can you tell me why we should hire you?

Me: Ok, I think this is in tune. You know these things only have 4 strings? I taught myself to play this in a week, which shows you I am a quick learner. What would you like to hear?

Them: That is quite OK. I see on your resume…

Me: Most people know Tiny Bubbles, so I’ll start there?

Them: “Start?”

Me: Tiny Bubbles

 

I wonder if there are ukulele videos on LinkedIn Learning? I really should look into that. There’s plenty on YouTube.

So if the blog happens to be quiet for a few days, fear not. I'm learning another skill as lucrative as writing. See you on the road, suckers.

 

Patreon Members Extras

(Long timers might remember this bit as DVD Extras, but a lot has changed in 6 years.)

This post came about as I was in a Five Below last night. And they do sell numerous branded ukes. I picked a few up, and even though I never played before, I sounded like a natural. Even though the person I was with would disagree. Numerous times. I did have one enlightened shopper who did enjoy my noodling, to the point of searching for a lighter. True story.

Also true, during the pandemic I got an acoustic guitar with online lessons from Groupon. (Is Groupon still a thing? So much has changed in 6 years.) Along with an electric guitar, they are both currently molting in the crawlspace. Never took a damn lesson. I recently went to a show and sat front row, and every time, I am totally mesmerized how fast real musician’s fingers move, it truly is mind blowing to me.

Throughout the draft of this post I was spelling it ukelele.

This post was written to the music of Bastard Bearded Irishmen, who is also the band referenced above. Yes, that is a mandolin you might hear, I should be fluent with that next week.

This. Shit. Again.

This

Shit

Again

 

Kevolution Theory started during a rather long bout of unemployment. So ya wanna guess, why after almost 6 years to the day, I dug out the keys? 

This

Shit

Again

As I do the math-which I still suck at, BTW- I was employed at my last post. For over 7 years. Then 10 or so months of unemployment -which will now be universally shortened to UE (yes, even though I am out of work, my time is far too valuable to type out extra letters), 11 months of a totally ‘meh’ job, and here we are.

This

Shit

Again

While there is certainly a lot to catch up on, let’s start at the present. While in a MeetUp this morning with zero participation, I did what most UE losers do; hit the ol’ Google machine for ideas. I searched for:

GD. Google, you do listen because I was totally searching for “jobs for people who hate people.” (Hate working would have been my #2) The good news is the Net doesn’t disappoint and lead me to a bazillion articles. And almost all of them mention “writer.” Hey I did that! For a long time! For myself, as well as other sites! And never made a dime! Guys, it’s almost like the universe said, “Kev, this is your sign! You now have all this time to write hysterical posts no one will read!” But at least I’ll have something to show for all this time, right? Right?

And for the record, I have previously written about my lack of writing before. And true enough, a lot of that still holds true as well. You can go down that rabbit hole with part 1 here and part 2 here. 

So, yea, c’mon back in. Great to see everyone! Yes, yes, it’s funny we all still look the same; definitely not fatter, grayer, tired, older. (People still lie on the Internet, right? I’m pretty sure because my latest AI constructed resume contains more lies than any current Presidential press conference.)

There’s lots to talk about, and I will do my best to make it all funny, with healthy doses of honesty, reality and the brilliant insight you won’t get anywhere else. Topics you can expect me to dole wisdom about; UE, getting older, dogs, boobs, music, sarcasm, life advice, hockey and maybe various other sportsballs, occasionally politics, lucha libre, men and women, boobs again, introvertness (yes, I made that up, I’m already at peak creative), beach, quantum physics, holidays, mild undiagnosed depression, common sense, cheap plugs for my eBay store, a detailed look at the early 20^th century Cubist movement, mental/physical health, horror movies & current events (yes, I put those 2 together because it’s getting harder to tell the difference) pop culture, avoidance-and just about anything else that will keep my mind off my current predicament.

So, yup, KT is back. I imagine this is the Internet's reaction:

And, yes, the f word. Lots and lots of f words.

 

I give this 5 posts or less.

Kevolution Theory Presents the Meaningless Bowl Powered by Kevolution Theory

 

If there’s one thing I’ve learned the last 10 months 6 months 2 months 2 weeks, it’s that I can sit around and watch almost anything. At least for like 15 minutes. I apparently have cable channels that show nothing but We’re the Millers and Lifetime Xmas movies. Speaking of, I had an epiphany recently. I was wearing pants -no, not the epiphany-and melted peanut butter and chocolate chips and poured onto vanilla ice cream. YUM! I am pretty sure my Peloton instructor-if I had one-would be most disappointed. But that’s not the epiphany. As I was watching some college football bowl game, it hit me; college bowl games are to guys as Lifetime/Hallmark Xmas movies are to girls.

Now, since, I am an honest sunna bitch, I will ‘fess up to occasionally watching, like 20 minutes of a Hallmark Xmas movies. But only if the girl is hot. Or accessible, depending where my evening is at that point in time. Then I finish my SkinnyTini, and put on the Bowl game like a GD man. Point is, I have experience in both.

Pretty sure these two shot 32 more Xmas movies. Just this week alone.

Hear me out. Most bowl games suck, as do all Hallmark Xmas movies. Both are a pleasant waste of time. When both are over, they will literally disappear from your consciousness. There’s about a zillion of each. Tubs of popcorn and bottles of beer can disappear while watching both. You can see, the experience is quite similar. We really are one village.

When I woke up with the dog licking popcorn off my hoodie, I had a thought. It bothered me that most bowl games do suck. And this is sports and football and America, goddamn it! We deserve better. And that’s where I come in. (That’s what he said.) I had some more popcorn (both fresh and hoodie popcorn) and a few more stiff cocktails and came up with ways to make college football more accessible for everybody. A meaningless bowl game should at least be fun to watch for everybody. Sounds like your favorite blog, right? Allow me to save college football. Ladies and Gents, welcome to the Kevolution Theory Meaningless Bowl.

 

·        Cheerleaders. And lots of them. Girl AND guy cheerleaders. The point here is to have a party, so we should all get to look at attractive people. More than likely, your party won’t have any of it’s own, so win win. 

Sorry, ladies, apparently there are not hot male cheerleaders on GIS.

·       Comedians calling the game. (And, no, I am NOT talking Dennis Miller.) Let’s face it, just like Hallmark movies, the players here are generally faceless. We typically don’t care about them, and will never think of them ever again. (Unless given a reason to, hang tight about this one.) Honestly, they could call every player on the team Vic Lagina, and we’d probably never notice. “And Lagina…..completes the pass to wide receiver Vic Lagina. Move the chains, first down.” We don’t need to fucking know the intricacies off the "Offerpad Bowl." Having one comedian in the booth to crack jokes makes the broadcast more tolerable. I guess we do need the play by play/straight guy here to play off of, fine. While I would prefer my comedian to have some custom football jokes, they would be welcome to delve into current events, but staying away from hot button topics. We’re trying to have a good time here. I wonder how much it would be to bring in Ron Burgundy? 

·        The Kevolution Theory presents The Meaningless Bowl Drinking Game. Well, DUH. We really need to drive the communal and fun aspect here. Say what you want, but the XFL was a fun product to watch. And much like the XFL games, college bowl games can get sloppy and boring, so we need to keep everyone engaged. Drinking game! Hell, there are tons of drinking games for Lifetime Xmas movies, so why not here? This idea is still a work in progress, as I try new ideas every game. And who vomited on the couch? Regardless, a few ideas I’m working on; 1 drink for first downs, 2 for turnovers, chug for TDs. Perfect for the whole family! Even the biggest football noob will soon be rooting for an interception returned for a TD. You go, gramma!

·        Appropriate sponsors. I am pretty sure most sponsors would want to stay away from my bowl game. (Now you know why there’s never been any advertising here.) It would fall to me to cultivate my sponsors so I can actually get a pay day. Sure, I would love to throw a bone to products I actually use in my own life. However, I am pretty sure my calls to MuscleTech, Irish Spring, Coke Zero, Gatorade, Sun Bum, Extenz, SiriusXM, UnderArmour, Degree (6 days a week), NHL, etc would go unanswered. I would have to go off the beaten track to find some sponsors that I am sure would love to access my core demographic. Malibu Rum would never call me back, but maybe Calico Jack and Admiral Nelson would be happy to come aboard. (BTW, both those are my actual rums of choice, especially if they throw me a free case or 17.) I’d love to designate Tilted Kilt an as official “watch partner” of the Meaningless Bowl. Hello, you alcohol companies, can you see the cross promotion opportunities here? Some fans would prefer to watch from home; a call to the fine folks at Solo (Red Cup Division) who might want to launch a hashtag promotion with all their social media. My core demographic are boozers, so maybe a water company wants to come on board to sponsor some water breaks. Hell, I am sure those app companies that make apps to prevent drunk texting/calling would pay me a princely sum to keep viewers from making a mistake. I could tell you more ideas, but I can’t give away my entire marketing plan here. I am pretty sure those douchebags from the Outback Bowl are reading.

·        Since we’re at least looking at next season for the first Meaningless Bowl, I hope to have some fans in the stadium. If so, I am bringing in some of the Bills Mafia to give lessons on how to properly pregame in the parking lot. Note to self; also find table sponsor.

·        Better rules. Since I am the presenting sponsor of the Meaningless Bowl-powered by Kevolution Theory, ICYMI- I have the responsibility to make this game as exciting as possible. And we do that by switching some things up. First change, no punts. That’s right; teams go for it every time. 4^th and 32 at your own 6? Tough titties, you’re throwing. Next, each team gets 1 (one) mulligan to use. Yep, one do-over on any play of their choice. Did butterfingers just fumble at the goal, and the other team run it back? You can erase that one play. However, for the purpose of the drinking game, it counts as two chugs. Them’s the rules.

·        Highlighting the seniors playing their last game. In some cases, there are top draft picks playing their last game before they get drafted and ruined by the Jets and Jags. BFD. Where’s the human interest in that? I think it’s a far more compelling to tell the stories of the other 97% of the players who will never play another football game. Sure, some can go on and play arena or XFL, maybe Lingerie. The cold fact here is that for just about every player, this will be the last game they play, and they will have to fall back on that degree to make a living. There’s your fucking human interest story. But we don’t stop there; no, the Meaningless Bowl presented by Kevolution Theory will be a class act. During the game, we will allow such players to tell us their next step. They get their moment, too. Imagine how meaningful it will be to the player and family for him to declare, “Hi, this is Vic Lagina, and after the game, I’ll be an account manager at Deloitte.”

·        AWS will make the football glow and leave a trail when thrown. Long live the Glow Puck!

·        Is it The Kevolution Theory Meaningless Bowl? The Meaningless Bowl presented by Kevolution Theory? Kevolution Theory presents the Meaningless Bowl? I should probably figure that out before I get the hoodies made. And you damn well know I am intentionally gonna spell it Bowel on some merch to create awareness and extra income. Ka-ching!

·        A good band for halftime. Unless I could get sponsors for the halftime “report” and have it take place live in the parking lot with the Bills Mafia in the background, screw it. I’d rather have a good band or two play. And, no, not the Foo Fighters.

·         No “aerial coverage” if my game is played in a dome. I never understood the point.

·        Entertaining prop bets at the bottom of the screen. Only if I can get sponsorship. We’re not going overboard here, just easy stuff. Bets like, will next play be run or pass? Will next reception be made by odd or even numbered jersey? Which coach will slam the phone down first? Was it your aunt or uncle who just got sick in the closet?

Who’s ready for some college football, right? Good luck watching the -ahem- Tax Slayer Bowl with their lameass rules.

26 Reasons Why You Would Vote For Me If I Was In The Debate

 The last few months, when I get recognized in public, it's always been the same two questions:

1) Sir, can you please stop urinating? The children can see you.

2) WTF ever happened to you running for President? We need you. This country needs you.

Both fair questions. So, dear readers, allow me to fill you in on my whereabouts the last few months. Like all of you, once the pandemic set in, I quarantined myself, used old socks as TP when I had to, became well versed in home brewing -prison wine-, gained 15 pounds and generally fell into the comfort of keeping my lazy ass home. Yet, I was heartbroken, as I continued to see our fair country continue to splinter apart. Instead of seeing this pandemic as a shining moment, we were left without leadership, with conflicting information, information that was slow in getting out, politics, division, fear, ignorance, brutality. At a time we all needed to be together, we were not; we were divided. It shattered me. Finally, about week or 7 or 8 (honestly, who's counting anymore), I raised myself off my couch/bed/video game chair, took myself to the bathroom, wiped off the Cheeto dust from my lumberjack beard and took a long, hard look in the mirror. Clearly, this country needed me. It's not like these dipshits here have ever voted a clueless putz with no previous experience into the highest office in the land. I found my resolve. I looked into that mirror, and in a low, Batman like tone, uttered, "FFuuuucckkkkkk this."

Like, seriously, even I don't know that I can #unfuck all this. Thsi seems like too much unfun work now. Conspiracy theories, bad cops, reporters jerking off, COVID numbers spiking back up, gathering crowds, social injustice, ignoring science. We're a shit show folks, a true shit show. And I don't know that I can fix this with PlayStation 5 about to come out.

Actually, it turns out you have to be on ballots, and get through primaries and other riff raff to actually be involved in these Presidential Debates. To be honest, the debates are kinda overblown. Your candidate of choice will always win in your eyes. The candidate not of your choosing will lose. We all have FB, we see it. They say these debates are for the "undecided." As I said in 2016, who dafuq can be undecided between these two? There are pretty clear differences. It's like comparing apple skin to orange skin. And these "undecided" dolts are the dullards most likely to decide this election. With that in mind, I am pretty sure these yahoos are my demographic. And while I won't be in the debate tonight, If I was, I have clear cut ideas that would sway me all the votes I need to become 46. So before y'all watch the debates, then post your propaganda on your socials, hear me out. Read the below. Then, instead of posting links to main stream media tonight, please link this brilliant political essay on all your socials so we can turn this around.

How I would win the debate:

1) If my donors raise enough campaign funds, I will audibly fart on stage.

2) I believe in science. I used to watch MythBusters all the time. In an unrelated note, there is a cabinet position waiting for you, Kari Byron. (Really, Kev, you’re still making Kari Byron jokes in 2020? Yes. Yes I am.)

And the answer is still.....no.

3) I never grabbed a woman by the pussy, nor smelled her hair in an unsolicited fashion.

4) Debates; two minute clock visible to candidates, audience, at home viewers. If at the end of the 2 minutes, you’re still talking, you get slimed. Keep going after that? Feathers. Still yapping? Honey. Then bees.  Thumb tacks. This can go on all night, folks. Mentos. Diet Coke.

5) I paid more than $750 in taxes last year. (And that’s just in sin tax.) 

6) I believe in climate change. I mean, it seems pretty basic to me, the more disgusting humans we populate the planet with, the more of a strain we put on Mother Earth. I don't even have kids (y'all welcome, BTW) but even I'm trying to leave it a better place. Stop being twats about this.

7) I will pick a suitable VP. TBD. And they will be working nights, weekends and holidays because that’s when I get my bad swerve on.

9) Speaking of, anyone know anyone who could be a good VP?

10) I don’t golf. Occasionally, a round of mini golf, but not these days.

11) I don’t Tweet.

12) I mean, really, if there’s one thing you can fairly say, I have better hair than either candidate. And I spend far less on it. True story, in September, I got my haircut for the first time in over two years. BECAUSE I AM A GODDAMNED PATRIOT!

"Need some trim, Kev?"
(Yes, this is a half naked dude. It's called courting the chick vote.")

 13) I'll have entrance music (by a band that approves me) and some pyrotechnics if appropriate.

14) I wouldn’t hire anybody from my family, because they’re all idiots.

15) I have no problem wearing a mask, not only will it protect myself, my loved ones and fellow Americans, it actually makes me look more attractive!

16) I won’t make up random numbers and vague statistics. Even though 87% of the populace agrees with me, and I have the support of many, many generals. Bigly generals.

17) I will hire an independent fact checking company to fact check both myself and the lose…uh…candidate, and publish those results real-time on my website.

18) I have the odd ability to actually answer the questions asked of me.

19) I wouldn't compete against Thursday Night Football. Even if it's a garbage NFC East matchup.

20) I, too, have no idea what Qanon is. I pretty much stopped watching the news when the pandemic hit. Are they some sort of WWE faction or something?

"Dang it, Cleetus! What did I tell ya? Take a look at that feller there. He's running them there pizza parlors with the young boys and all the Democrats. And the aliens; both intergalactic and dem dere illegals."

21) My town halls; 2 drink minimum for everyone. I will also have the debate drinking game displayed between myself and my opponent so we can also play along.

22) Invited members in my gallery; Kari Byron (grooming her for a cabinet position), Steve Austin (who gave the President a Stone Cold Stunner), Borat, Snoop Dogg (I don't think he says no to anything), Lisa Lampinelli  and my dog. Because, Americans, I can promise you the first thing I do when elected is put a dog back in the White House.

First Dawg Good Boy

23) BTW, is it still cool to call it the White House these days, or do we need to get woke to that, too?

24) I will announce the official "Sexy Kevolution Theory Presidential Costume." Comprised of flip flops, board shorts and a ratty concert t (feel free to add your own rum stains. RUM stains.), Proceeds will go to various women's benefits.

25) I won't use my persuasive powers for evil. To prove that, I will politely point out there is no #8 on this list. 

26) I'll insist the co-moderator will be Sister Mary Joseph, who taught me in 6th grade. So if myself or my opponent get out of line, she will wrap us about the knuckles with a wooden ruler.

I look forward to your vote!

#VoteForKev2020

#YWA

"This Might Be the Quarantine Talking But..."

So, this whole pandemic thing has us isolated. Is there anything worse than being alone with your thoughts? Prolly not. Here's a bunch of random thoughts that have been taking up space in my head.




I can now confidently rock white tube socks.

No one has said they miss baseball. NO ONE.

I'll allow this.

(The most work I've done for this post is researching for the above picture)

All these knudnicks running around that want everything open yesterday are subliminally screaming "My home life sucks." We know, but we ain't responsible for your poor choices, bro. (And they're all guys)

All the people whining they won't wear masks...are exactly the people who need to be wearing masks.

I've lost track of all days, and I can't blame my burgeoning alcoholism.

Still on my same stick of deodorant from early March.

Ditto travel size bottle of shampoo I stole form a Hotel 6.

In unrelated news, dreads take a lot longer to grow than I originally was lead to believe.

A lil' sumthin' for the ladies

April was last month, apparently

I still can't find a girl who can pull off the "girl looks hot in face mask" look.

Flobies are now more than Jordans on eBay

My rum consumption has gone up. Also, I don't have the 'rona. Coincidence?

OK, I really am wondering what would Jimmy Buffett do

18,000 new cases of Corona reported this day

Isn't it time for a reboot of 2 Girls 1 Cup?

I really like the new drive in bar at the bottom of the parking lot of the shopping center where I order my rum

There's this old dude at my home gym that can no longer pull off all the UnderArmour he wears. Don't get me started on his tube socks.

Screw it; for the rest of the summer, the Kevolution Theory archives is free for everyone.
"But, Kev, your blog has always been fr....."
I SAID FREE FOR EVERYONE

I can't tell you the last time I wore pants that had a button. Or belt. or a zipper. Or just pants...

The thing about losing track of hours and days is it's always cool to start drinking. Is that an 8AM sun or a 2PM sun. Who's to say? Bottoms up!

With all this talk of contactless delivery, I can't be the only one wondering WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY DOING TO OUR FOOD BEFORE ALL THIS?

Also, contactless is a new word because my SpellCheck flags it every time

You can have your hockey back, but Pierre McGuire does every game. Hhmmmmm...

So COVID porn is a real thing. I've watched some of it. A few twice!

I find on the days I don't use deodorant, the social distance thing isn't that big a thing. For everyone else.

Me, after I showered, used deodorant and washed my hair two days in a row.

I have contactless glasses.

Someone, somewhere, is designing a "sexy Coronavirus" costume.

How da fuck are Christmas movies supposed to make anyone feel better?

Your new avatar LOOKS NOTHING LIKE YOU! KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY!

I like Corona, but I wished they gave this a scarier name, like Coors Light or Lowerbrau. "Hey, did you hear about Steve? He caught the 'Brau."

I think we're all on the bus that we wear whatever when we're in our backyards. For example, I had on a coconut bra and a grass skirt today, and nobody batted an eye.

(Would the above joke be funnier if I said I was wearing white tube socks, too?)

People are using this time to learn an instrument, paint, draw, do magic. And all I have is this shitty post. Where's your art?

What if we decide we don't like the New Normal, say "fuck it" and just hang out in the house all day?

You're still staring at your phone too much.