The last few months, when I get recognized in public, it's always been the same two questions:
1) Sir, can you please stop urinating? The children can see you.
2) WTF ever happened to you running for President? We need you. This country needs you.
Both fair questions. So, dear readers, allow me to fill you in on my whereabouts the last few months. Like all of you, once the pandemic set in, I quarantined myself, used old socks as TP when I had to, became well versed in home brewing -prison wine-, gained 15 pounds and generally fell into the comfort of keeping my lazy ass home. Yet, I was heartbroken, as I continued to see our fair country continue to splinter apart. Instead of seeing this pandemic as a shining moment, we were left without leadership, with conflicting information, information that was slow in getting out, politics, division, fear, ignorance, brutality. At a time we all needed to be together, we were not; we were divided. It shattered me. Finally, about week or 7 or 8 (honestly, who's counting anymore), I raised myself off my couch/bed/video game chair, took myself to the bathroom, wiped off the Cheeto dust from my lumberjack beard and took a long, hard look in the mirror. Clearly, this country needed me. It's not like these dipshits here have ever voted a clueless putz with no previous experience into the highest office in the land. I found my resolve. I looked into that mirror, and in a low, Batman like tone, uttered, "FFuuuucckkkkkk this."
Like, seriously, even I don't know that I can #unfuck all this. Thsi seems like too much unfun work now. Conspiracy theories, bad cops, reporters jerking off, COVID numbers spiking back up, gathering crowds, social injustice, ignoring science. We're a shit show folks, a true shit show. And I don't know that I can fix this with PlayStation 5 about to come out.
Actually, it turns out you have to be on ballots, and get through primaries and other riff raff to actually be involved in these Presidential Debates. To be honest, the debates are kinda overblown. Your candidate of choice will always win in your eyes. The candidate not of your choosing will lose. We all have FB, we see it. They say these debates are for the "undecided." As I said in 2016, who dafuq can be undecided between these two? There are pretty clear differences. It's like comparing apple skin to orange skin. And these "undecided" dolts are the dullards most likely to decide this election. With that in mind, I am pretty sure these yahoos are my demographic. And while I won't be in the debate tonight, If I was, I have clear cut ideas that would sway me all the votes I need to become 46. So before y'all watch the debates, then post your propaganda on your socials, hear me out. Read the below. Then, instead of posting links to main stream media tonight, please link this brilliant political essay on all your socials so we can turn this around.
How I would win the debate:
1) If my donors raise enough campaign funds, I will audibly fart on stage.
2) I believe in science. I used to watch MythBusters all the
time. In an unrelated note, there is a cabinet position waiting for you, Kari Byron.
(Really, Kev, you’re still making Kari Byron jokes in 2020? Yes. Yes I am.)
And the answer is still.....no.
3) I never grabbed a woman by the pussy, nor smelled her hair
in an unsolicited fashion.
4) Debates; two minute clock visible to candidates, audience,
at home viewers. If at the end of the 2 minutes, you’re still talking, you get
slimed. Keep going after that? Feathers. Still yapping? Honey. Then bees. Thumb tacks. This can go on all night, folks. Mentos. Diet Coke.
5) I paid more than $750 in taxes last year. (And that’s just
in sin tax.)
6) I believe in climate change. I mean, it seems pretty basic to me, the more disgusting humans we populate the planet with, the more of a strain we put on Mother Earth. I don't even have kids (y'all welcome, BTW) but even I'm trying to leave it a better place. Stop being twats about this.
7) I will pick a suitable VP. TBD. And they will be working
nights, weekends and holidays because that’s when I get my bad swerve on.
9) Speaking of, anyone know anyone who could be a good VP?
10) I don’t golf. Occasionally, a round of mini golf, but not
these days.
11) I don’t Tweet.
12) I mean, really, if there’s one thing you can fairly say, I
have better hair than either candidate. And I spend far less on it. True story,
in September, I got my haircut for the first time in over two years. BECAUSE
I AM A GODDAMNED PATRIOT!
"Need some trim, Kev?" (Yes, this is a half naked dude. It's called courting the chick vote.")
13) I'll have entrance music (by a band that approves me) and some pyrotechnics if appropriate.
14) I wouldn’t hire anybody from my family, because they’re all
idiots.
15) I have no problem wearing a mask, not only will it protect
myself, my loved ones and fellow Americans, it actually makes me look more
attractive!
16) I won’t make up random numbers and vague statistics. Even though
87% of the populace agrees with me, and I have the support of many, many
generals. Bigly generals.
17) I will hire an independent fact checking company to fact check both myself and the lose…uh…candidate, and publish those
results real-time on my website.
18) I have the odd ability to actually answer the questions
asked of me.
19) I wouldn't compete against Thursday Night Football. Even if it's a garbage NFC East matchup.
20) I, too, have no idea what Qanon is. I pretty much stopped
watching the news when the pandemic hit. Are they some sort of WWE faction or
something?
"Dang it, Cleetus! What did I tell ya? Take a look at that feller there. He's running them there pizza parlors with the young boys and all the Democrats. And the aliens; both intergalactic and dem dere illegals."
21) My town halls; 2 drink minimum for everyone. I will also
have the debate drinking game displayed between myself and my opponent so we
can also play along.
22) Invited members in my gallery; Kari Byron (grooming her for
a cabinet position), Steve Austin (who gave the President a Stone Cold Stunner), Borat, Snoop Dogg (I don't think he says no to anything), Lisa Lampinelli and my dog. Because, Americans, I can promise you the first
thing I do when elected is put a dog back in the White House.
First Dawg Good Boy
23) BTW, is it still cool to call it the White House these days,
or do we need to get woke to that, too?
24) I will announce the official "Sexy Kevolution Theory Presidential Costume." Comprised of flip flops, board shorts and a ratty concert t (feel free to add your own rum stains. RUM stains.), Proceeds will go to various women's benefits.
25) I won't use my persuasive powers for evil. To prove that, I will politely point out there is no #8 on this list.
26) I'll insist the co-moderator will be Sister Mary Joseph, who taught me in 6th grade. So if myself or my opponent get out of line, she will wrap us about the knuckles with a wooden ruler.
1) Get these out actually before the New Year hits.
New Year's Resolutions are pretty much bullshit. I'm not the first one to point it out and won't be the last. Yet, you sheep continue to make them like it makes a damn of difference. People, somewhere there is a talking frog somehow drinking a cup of tea and looking down on your foibles.
It got me to thinking; what if I made totally achievable resolutions? Well, that's kinda easy. So that got me even more thinking (my head now has an ouchie, you unappreciative bastards, so y'all better appreciate this post), what if I was just totally a rebel? I mean, I AM a rebel and all (think, like the good Star Wars rebels, not like the racist ones) so what if I went the other way with these BS resolutions? What if I defied all logic, what would that look like? It took me a couple days, but I came up with the Resolutions we all need for the Roaring 20s. Follow along and- uh, wait, actually don't follow along. You guys just stick with your usual resolutions. In fact, just stop reading this now. (Not a problem for a lot of people when it comes to this blog, trust me.) Leave me along with my resolutions, sheeple.
Drink more. Fine, I mean, if I have to. Almost all of you lamos picked this one for your sissy resolutions. Ha, not me suckers! I now feel like it's my civil duty. What with all this extra alcohol just lying around, collecting dust like positive reviews for Cats, the economy will crash. Not on this patriot's watch. If there's anything I've learned from the Modelo commercials, it's that beer brings this great country together. Alcohol is my friend, my wingman. No one has ever said, "I just had a Sprite with Kev, and you know what? He is quite the charmer. Very funny, too. I'll have to read his blog sometime. And you know what? He's kinda hot." Besides, what's better after a night of having a few drinks than waking up feeling like shit? Personally, I enjoy spending most of the morning trying to fashion a Gatorade drip, brushing my teeth 10 times and feeling like it's a workout to just sit up. Throw in some shitty pizza and fries for dinner, and that is living. All worth it for a few measly White Claws, amirite?
A billion internet points and a Taco Bell hot sauce pack if you get this reference.
Spend less time with Theory Pup 2. Really, he can go fuck himself. He lies around on the couches all day, something TP 1 never got to do, BTW. You know what it's like to fight the dog hungover (me, not him. Not yet, anyway.) for couch space? And all the time I waste giving him belly rubs? You know he eats, multiple times a day, for free?? What is this bullshit? Just because of his unconditional love? All the times he cheers me up when I am blue? The times he drags me out of the house on beautiful (and not so beautiful) days for walks. The times he redeems all my shitty days? The daily laughs? Why, just last night, I was lying on the couch. This son of a bitch jumps right on me, his body between my legs, his knucklehead on my chest. He looks at me with all the love in the world in his eyes. He gently falls asleep, punctuated with gentle puppy snores. This is the most serenity and peace I can find this side of the ocean. And what do I have to do for this? Pick up all his dooks in the yard. Once a month. Honestly, there is so much there, I swear he has his friends come over to leave a steamer. Pfft, yea, fuuucck him.
Spend more time on Facebook. Yes, in the past I championed a movement hash tagged (by me) as #FacebookFree48. The essence of this enlightening practice is spending 2 days -usually Saturday and Sunday, but you can choose-off all of your social media. In return, you almost get 2 whole days back to keep all your bullshit resolutions. You get more time to spend with friends/family, live in the moment, meditate, read, write, walk the dog, blah blah blah. Sounds transcendent, right? You know what happened. Everyone said, "Great idea, Kev!" then right fucking ignored it. Instead, they dispensed with the life right in front of them, and just stared right into their little escape boxes. They even ignored my much simpler idea of not checking you socials first thing in the morning. And you know who this "they" is I am referring to? YOU. Yes, all of YOU reading this right now. YOU.
Fine, you guys win. I am now firmly resolving to checking my social media no less than 75 times an hour. And yes, I have alarms set to remind me. I'm hardcore when I resolve things, damn it. I have decided I constantly need to evaluate my life based on the actions of others, many of who/whom I barely know and will most likely never even physically see in this life. Or the next! How come you guys never told me how much fun this is? I now wholeheartedly enjoy comparing my Saturday night lying on the couch to what your Saturday night is. And, oh man, the fun of waking up on a Wednesday morning and seeing what you did the night before is an awesome way to start out the day! And, oh, all the places you "check in" to or even just the things you are merely interested in? Color me fascinated. I have particularly come to enjoy the vauge-postings. You know, the ones where you post something vague/cryptic/picture, and just leave it hanging there for your other shithead friends to raise a fuss about? I just can't imagine how redeemed and valued that must make you feel. You are a true hero.
Not to leave out all the people who post the same thing every time. Or cry victim about a situation you can change on your own and with no fanfare! Not all heroes wear capes! Which brings me to....
I know, I know, the R word. But this is to prove the point.
Argue more politics on FB. Quick show of hands here, friends; how many of your political stances have been changed by what you've seen on FB? (Everyone's hands goes up.) Exactly, I totes knew that! To clarify, all of you who post pro a certain political President sway me every time! Hold on, now all you who post anti a certain political President, well, dang it, you just swayed me your way! This is tough. Can y'all just keep hammering home your political beliefs? I will always read them. Better yet, can you enter arguments? Because the nations' opinion always changes when you slam a politician on a page that loves them. Which also brings me to..
Continue My 2020 Presidential Campaign Because I know more about politics about most politicians, really. Much more. By a bigly amount. And let's face it, I am the Preside- no scratch that-the Savior this country needs. Many more blogs to come, the best blogs, really. In the history of blogs. Full of ideas, perfect ideas. The best ideas, everyone knows that. #VoteForKev2020 #YWA
Read less. Again, this is because you guys are being jerks about this one. Almost every resolution I've read has said "read more." Therefore, there will be less to read. Why fight it? You eggheads, go ahead, and hog all the books. I assume y'all know where the library is? And that you even have a valid library card? Or know what a library is? It's fine. Honestly, I still have magazines from 20freaking18 I still haven't finished. How can I appreciate what all the Hot Summer Gear for 2020 is, when I didn't even know what the Hot Summer Gear for 2018 was?! I've also been procrastinating about reading a book I was given months ago- Eat That Frog-about ways to stop procrastinating. I don't have time, damn it! What I really need is a book about how to find the time to read another book about procrastinating. Can one of my fellow writer friends make that happen? So, If I'm reading less, that gives me more time for (and, GD, my segues are strong for not writing lately)...
Writing less. Phew, what a relief this will be. I mean, last year, I only wrote 8 blogs, with my last one being in August. Shit, I need to slow down my pace already! Here's the thing with writing, at least for me. Believe it or not, these dumb posts actually take a lot of time. It's not just writing, but rewriting, editing, "word surgery," tightening things up, fact checking, hyper-linking, more jokes, pictures, captions, SEO tricks (SEO stand for Shit Everyone Overlooks-at least when I try to do it) and generally a 'sleeping' on it period (that's what she said) to make sure it's good enough and worth your time. As you can hopefully see, these generally take a lot of time; from hours when I'm lucky and the words are just falling out (rare) to a week or longer (most common). And, while rewarding at least to me, it's starting to take up a lot of time. A lot of time I can be doing other things. Like all of my rebel resolutions.
And, for me, here's how the experience goes. I feel super fortunate that, say, 20 people 'like' or tell me they enjoy my post. Yet, it only gets 7 hits. While there is value for me to what I consider my art, if the payoff is so damn small, is that still a justifiable return on my investment? Would I personally have more fun getting hammered and beating people up in WWE 2K20 or pouring my black heart and blacker soul into a hilarious piece of art that 11 people read and the one odd hit from Tajikistan? (Where I am huge, BTW.) What's the point in trying if you can't give up? I think Homer Simpson said that, and every great artist felt that way about their art. I've always said history will appreciate me far more after I am gone, which is such an easy way to die. Speaking of dying....
Workout less. I am so damn tired. I don't know how many crunches I have done. Or how much weight I have benched. And for what? To be "in shape?" To "be healthy?" To "live longer?" Honestly, I have pushed myself to do some dangerous things in the gym, it's a minor miracle I haven't hurt myself more. All for what? To "look good?" I have come to the realization that, for me, all this lifting of weight and sharing of sweat has been a big waste. I'll never look thew way I'd want to look, so why bother? Are you not familiar with a great Homer Simpson quote along these lines? At least the one good thing I have going for me is I am not handsome. Maybe, on some level, this has been a fuel for me to go to the gym 4-5 days a week. Thankfully, I have now come to realize that because nature has set the bar so low for me, the best I could aspire to be is a butterface. And I could be so much more? Er, wait, do I want to be some much less? Damn it, I don't even know anymore. But at least I do know, that with working out less comes...
Already ahead of ya, Kev.
Eating more. Not just because of the above, but because, again, it's a common resolution to eat less. Ergo, there will be more food available. And while I hope all this extra food magically finds its way to the most hungry, I think it's fair to say there should be a bit more available to me. So I should be available to eat it. Pretty sure that is the circle of life. I've tried to be a clean eater for years. Using the NutriBullet, trying to eat more plant based stuff, denying myself. Now I robustly say, "No more!" Why have I been denying myself eating tasty chicken wings at the expense of food that should theoretically extend my life for an even longer period of not eating tasty chicken wings? What's the bloody point here? Does Taco Bell have a frequent eater card? 'Cause I'm gonna need one.
Not learn how to play guitar. No, fuck that.
Not learn how to play the violin and the harp. What's the value of learning to play any instrument? OK, so maybe it's better for your brain. And maybe it's a skill you can hone that makes others happy and might get you a few bucks. We all know music is the most vastly underappreciated form of art out there. Music has helped me in my most darkest times, so I owe it to the art to not desecrate it by trying to play. Anything. I have 2 guitars I still have no idea how to play. Let's up the ante here. I would like to not learn how to play two far more difficult instruments. Sorry, symphonic metal bands, you will have to do without me. Good luck getting laid, though.
Meditate less. Er, wait, is "meditating" code for pooping? I doubt that, so Imma just gonna go ahead and somehow do less of something I don't do anyway. What does enlightenment get me anyway? Why do I want to feel better, stress less, feel healthier and live in the moment? Why do I get the feeling folks think meditating is trying to have zero thoughts in your head? Because I see plenty of empty headed idiots all around me. Or is meditating supposed to be you alone with your thoughts? Or quieting your inner voice? Dude, that is exactly why I drink. Why do you think I made that 'drink more' resolution? For my health? Sheesh, pay attention.
Hmmm....might need to rethink this one.
Travel less. You know what travelers love more than traveling? Talking about traveling. And if they do CrossFit while traveling, y'all best run for the hills because they will blather on for days. Have you ever been out in the world? It's a scary, dirty place. Full of strange looking people that talk funny and spread germs. Maybe that's just a generalization, I really don't wanna know. I don't see the benefit of going to all these strange places. Just because they have things there we don't have here? Newsflash, there's a small tower in the center of my small town, so go suck a big one, Paris. I have no less than 3 different pizza places nearby that are all on a first name basis with me. Why would I need to travel to Italy for more Italian cuisine? You will have to do better than a leaning tower and a sinking city; we got plenty of them here, Giuseppe. I see no need to go to different places strictly for just the experience; let alone different culture, people, traditions, music, geography, food, drink, hot exotic women, architecture, experiences, art and on and on and on. I've been to the Jersey shore; many times. I'm good.
Write less lists. OK, I'll have to work on this one.
Start smoking. Oh, how my clear lungs used to laugh and laugh at all you smokers, huddled 40 feet away from the doorway of a building. I mean, it's 2020, you know smoking gives you cancer and deteriorates your body, like, well, cancer. I was really going to skip this one, but than I saw this whole vaping thing the adolescent kids are doing, and now I'm all like, "Sign me up!" I have the extra money now that I've cancelled my gym membership. Can't wait to look older, lose my teeth, have yellow fingers and develop all these symptoms I see on the drug commercials. If it's good enough for Keith Richards, than, damn it, it's good 'nough for me.
Watch more TV. This one is near and dear to me. I am often in awe when I talk to friends that are married, have jobs, a house, kids, etc. And they seem to have copious amounts of time to binge TV. This also dovetails nicely with my 'work out less' and 'eat more' resolutions. Look at me! Look at me as I sit on my couch and watch all these shows y'all rave about. It's surely not because a lot of this streaming medium is new, so if we spend a few shekels on it, we feel compelled to rave about it in a vain attempt to feel superior? It's not because the Mandalorian is the galaxy's worst babysitter? No, not at all. Now weeknights, weekends, legal holidays, you will find me on my couch, light coating of Dorito dust, streaming all these shows. Also, I know this decree bounds me to further blab how great this show on Netflix/Hulu/Amazon/Disney is on social media. This is the way.
2020, you've been put on blast. You are my bitch. If I make it....um, when, WHEN I make it to NYE 2020, I will be bloated, drunk, ignorant, lonely, probably the President, tense, wheezing but up to date on TV. Don't be haters. I have given you all the tools so you can end up like I will. Maybe we can have a party together. As long as I don't have to travel too far to get there.
I hope you have enjoyed this post. I don't have to write another one for months now. It will probably be some weak sauce attempt about something lame, like trying to sleep with one of these gravity blankets or some bullshit. See you then.
I firmly believe, long after I am gone, history will finally realize that I am a brilliant writer with brilliant ideas. None may be any more brillianter than what I've been doing the last 3 weekends. I've been staying off Facebook and social media. I have currently dubbed this #FacebookFree48. As another Monday morning dawns, I feel refreshed. I feel drama and stress free. I'm also feeling pretty damn haughty about the Free 48 I'm onto. I feel like it's my mental "down dog" and I don't even have to wear yoga pants. Or any pants really.
Dog does not have social media. Be more like dog.
One of the byproducts of the Free 48 is all the -duh- free time. I'm up and out of bed earlier because I'm not on FB seeing whose bitching about the weather or politics. I'm not on the dumper for 20 minutes now. I'm doing healthier things for my mind and body. Now, maybe you're not sold on this Free concept, so I thought I would detail all the "extra" little things in life I got to do and see this weekend. Turns out there's a lot of life that doesn't fit in your phone.
I watched the Endless Summer like I always do during the summer. It's my favorite summer movie-sorry, Jaws and Malibu Bikini Shop-and a great slice of a simpler time. I also enjoy watching it before the PC police come down on it for maybe, possibly being a tad racist in, like 1 or 2 small segments. But I really feel it was naivete and cluelessness on film maker Bruce Brown's part.
I had my faith restored in humanity, which is pretty heavy for a Saturday. As much as I loathe to do this during the weekend, I had to venture out to the store to pick something up. While I was there, minding my own GD business, a guy comes up to me and asks, "Excuse me, do you work here?" One thing I have learned about me is that I appear to look like I work at whatever place I may be in at that given time. (Like, for example, the liquor store. But at least that makes sense because I am there all the damn time, they gave me my own locker in the back.) I politely tell him no, but I also point him to someone who does. He goes over to the employee, whatever. Then the guy comes up to me and thanks me! "Hey, buddy, I just wanted to thank you. What's your name?" I am flabbergasted this kind of courtesy exists in this world. I tell him my name, he extends his hand, "Well, thank you, Mr. Kevin" and he walks away.
I find myself listening to Michael Franti more and more.
However, this is music I can only listen do during the summer. When it’s nice. And sunny. Not raining. (I know, I know, I am a music freak.) I wasn’t even
digging Stay Human 2 till recently, then the click came and I dug it. I really
think Franti is getting to be to young people what Buffett is to old people.
Also, Roger Clyne and The Peacemakers is great summer music. I’ve been
getting into the Joint on SXM. Again, when the summer goes, so does the preset
for the Joint.
I’m writing more and more. I think we can all be thankful
for that. Namaste, world.
Killing it at the gym. Like, to the point, I’m actually
sweating. This is good news, as it aids an air of legitimacy to all the over
priced UnderArmour I wear.
Cleaned out my computer. Much like myself, I’ve been
noticing it slowing down lately. Look, I understand, as far as PCs go, it’s
getting pretty old. (I bought it last week). I took the time to go through
settings/apps and features to remove anything questionable. And I know what you’re thinking, and, no, none of this was from watching porn. Also, much like
myself, I cleaned out all the cookies. My PC should be quicker now, which could
mean more blogs! More likely, drunken Amazon purchases. (Narrator voice; “None
of this worked.”)
I watched a lotta porn.
I went to the store to buy a frozen pizza. I left it on the
dashboard, and by the time I got home, it was ready.
Speaking of, went blackout shopping on Amazon. I’m not even gonna check
what I did, I prefer the surprise. One time, Drunk Kev went all next level and
got into my subscribe & save. This explains why I have 37 bottles of Orange
Glo.
Reset my neighbor’s wifi password. Just to teach him a
lesson. Can’t be too safe these days. I mean, with a password like FGh56://5tY7Gg5&o2@k%,
he was just asking for it.
Filled out every survey at the bottom of every receipt I
could find. Back up the Brinks truck!
On Sunday, like a proper and distinguished gentleman, I had
brunch:
Accomplished my summer goal ahead of time; collected all 50 different bottles of Mountain Dew. Comes with free diabetes.
Multiple incidents of puppy cuddles. I have to say it boggles my mind when I see people walking their dogs, yet they're staring into their phones. (The people, not the dogs.) Like, you're walking a dog, life can't get much better.
Monday is once again upon us, with it's usual evil precision. Yet I feel refreshed and pretty sure my bullshit meter is low. I had a great weekend in many respects even if it wasn't all amusements parks and beaches. I'm grateful for the extra time I got back and the little slices of life I got to see. Now, maybe the freight train that is the work week has all kinds of bad plans for me, I can't say. But I can say I am coming from a pretty good place, and I really like my odds.
I have a brilliant idea. I want a creative way to mask my alcoholism. No, wait, that's not it. I thought it would be funny to play the Official Kevolution Theory Shitty Christmas Movie Drinking Game and Tweet about it. And guess what? You're all invited! That's right all of you! No cover charge or ugly sweaters necessary! And all the free exclamation points you can handle!
So here's the deal. The drinking game rules are below. No peeking. So we're all on the same page, here's the holiday piece of dreck we will be watching 8PM EST on Lifetime
This future inductee into the National Film Registry; a sure to be modern classic called Christmas Around the Corner.
We're all gonna be best friends by the time this movie is over
Now, truth be told, I came up with this list before I chose the movie. I chose this movie because it happened to be right in the time I wanted. And you can thank me because it is up against another piece of shit Xmas movie that "stars" Candace Cameron Bure, and I am pretty sure that movie would have poisoned us. Speaking of drinking, just by the 30 second preview, I can see we will be drinking. A lot. Hydrate now and get those Gatorades on the night stand for Saturday morning!
I really need corporate sponsors for this sort of thing.
I have also noticed, doing research, that apparently I have at least three channels that are showing nothing but shitty Xmas movies. I am pretty sure this is why the terrorists hate us.
"But, Kev, why are you doing this on Twitter?" Great question! I'm doing this on Twitter because I don't want to litter my FB friends' timelines with jokes that have such a short life span. Also, I realize a lot of my friends have an actual life and don't sit home on Fridays nights writing jokes no one reads. I'm not doing this to gain Twitter followers because, clearly, I don't have Twitter figured out. It just seems the best way for people who are interested in this sort of content to consume it. In the end, this is really just an experiment, and I have zero expectations. And if I play the Game right, I will also have zero recollection. Win win!
This could be us by 8:10.
I have also created the hashtag #DrinkingWithKT. Apparently, some other loser used #DrinkingWithKev, which was my first choice. Granted, it hasn't been used for over two years. But I don't have kids, and hashtags are as close as I wanna get.
Ok, so below are the rules. They will work with any shitty Xmas movie you will see on Hallmark, Lifetime or whatever other godforsaken "networks" show this drivel.
Follow all my jokes @ifyouseekev. Now go prepare, get your drinks of choice, cancel all your social engagements, get Gatorade, have water and Xmas cookies. It's OK, there's still one more weekend you can totes procrastinate on your shopping.
The Kevolution Theory Shitty Christmas Movie Drinking Game
Drink Everytime
Elf sighting
Reindeer!
Creepy Guy wearing Santa hat
Musical montage
People are outside in the cold, yet you can’t see their
breath
Jewelry commercial (yes, the drinking game continues through
the commercials. It’s the Kevolution Theory way)
Commercial for another shitty Xmas movie
You laugh at one of my hilarious Tweets
Drink Only Once If:
Plot involves someone returning to their hometown
Plot involves two people who originally disliked each other,
but you just KNOW they’ll be bumping uglies before New Years Eve
Someone is widowed or divorced
Single parents
Plot involves saving small town business; hotel, bookstore,
brothel, bakery, general store, library
Someone gets snowed in/stuck in town
Two people pretend to be in a relationship, and of course,
end up in a relationship
Protagonist career is any of the following: writer,
photographer, marketing, chef/baker, flight attendant
Someone from New York travels South
Male protagonist dislikes Xmas
Plot has anything to do with exes
Someone has an Xmas based name; i.e Holly, Nick, Donner,
Blitzen
Movie features that one actor….from that one show…..
Movie stars a country singer
Main character is leaving town at the end of the movie, but
we all know they skipped the flight and stayed
Story has anything to do with alternate timelines
Story has anything to do with people switching bodies
Drink Twice
If the girl looks familiar
When it starts to snow (No, NOT every time you see snow. I
don’t want to kill you.)
Plot involves some small town business that is related to
Xmas; tree farm, toy factory, etc
The Mayor gets involved
The tree is getting decorated
Tree lighting ceremony
Snowball fight!
Someone is building a snowman
I actually pick up a new Twitter follower
Movie stars Danica McKellar, Lacey Chalbert, Candace Cameron
Bure, Lori Laughlin
Santa Claus sighting
Multiples
If the plot has anything to do with a princess -3x
A friend of mine posted a short video on Facebook the other
day. And since she doesn’t drone on about politics, take constant duck face
selfies, generally isn’t into food porn, likes books and music, doesn’t have
kids and likes dogs, I decided to watch. She went on to talk about how she was
thinking of her buying habits, and how they impact the environment. Simple
things like using the same plastic bag to buy fruit at the store or how tooth
brushes are made of plastic. All valid points as she tried to figure out how to
make this big blue marble more livable.
I can see my house from here.
It reminded me of another video I tried to watch, about a
girl who generated so little trash in 4 (or 5, depending on where you see the
video) freaking years, that she was able to
carry it all around in a tiny glass jar. This hippie went on to talk about
using the same containers when you go to Whole Foods (why am I not surprised
she shops at Whole Foods?) Again, all very salient points, and very humbling as
just one person struggles to make the world a greener place. Sure, the realist
in me is crying clown shoes about someone generating so little trash in 4/5
years, then carrying it all around in a jar. The last time I was carrying my
trash around was when I took my ex to Chili’s. BURN! Now, while this girl is
apparently doing all the good she can, I can’t imagine she’s much fun at
parties. She probably just drones on and on and constantly holds up that damn
jar like in Lion King. And isn’t this how we should be evaluating people these
days; screw all the good they do, can you have a few beers and hang out with
them? Recycling the beer bottles and cans, of course.
Regardless, it got me to look at my actions and they effects
they have. And I have to say, after a thorough vetting, I’m pretty cool with
Mother Earth. I recycle like a freak. If I ever have any water left in a glass,
I pour it into a plant. I will sometimes watch the one TV with no cable box and
surround sound, just because it uses less power. (Yea, first world problem, I
know.) Yellow let it mellow. I bag my yard waste. I dispose of my electronics
responsibly. I finish all the half full drinks at closing time. I don’t put the
shower on max pressure, just to save a little. I donate old clothes and books. I’m
even one of those freaks that actually unplugs his phone cord from the wall
when the battery is full! Now, look, I’m not using this post to say, “Be more
like me.” But, still, it’s something you all should aspire to.
I logged out of FB, and to make up for all the brain rot I
get while reading FB, I thought I would try to educate myself, and check out a
news site to see just what the rest of the world is doing. Here’s just some of
the headlines I saw:
Mayor: Evacuate or notify next of kin
Slain Dallas’ man family says warrant is part of smear
campaign against him
2 dead as huge typhoon slams Philippines
Bodycam shows traffic stop turn deadly
And it got me thinking; why
are we working this hard to save this damn place?
Think about it. There is so much working against us. Look at
all these devastating weather events. I’m not going to get too into politics
here-there’s plenty of blame to go around-but it seems to me this country is
more divided than ever. The brazen lack of common sense in the world. Turn on
the news -any news-and it’s all gloom and doom. Murder, death, racism,
corporate greed, scandal.Within the
last week, we’ve had a major storm do tremendous damage, and apparently also be
“tremendously big and tremendously wet.” More #MeToo moments. Terrarium
shuts down. The nearest Tilted Kilt just closed. This is craziness. So why do
we wanna keep the lights on?
Possible First Lady Material
It bothers me that the rich seem to get richer, while I have
to surreptitiously fill my hoodie with food at the Cici’s Buffet. I have no problem
with people who have risked and worked hard for their money. I have a problem
with all the assholes (That line BTW was going to be a tagline for this blog at
one point.) and their conspicuous consumption. The CEOs who pull down millions
for doing….well, no one seems to know. I don’t know what’s worse about society,
that we have shows like Zillion Dollar Beachfront Property or whatever, or that
we have poor schmucks that actually want to watch such drivel. Why do I want to
waste my precious time watching horse shit like My Lottery Dream Home?
Time’s too short, man. It’s like these buttheads who watch Food Network all
day, and still don’t know who to boil water. What’s the point here?
What Ric Flair will look like in 50 years.
I don’t want to save this world for the assholes. I don’t
want to save this world for, say, the flat earthers. Yes, there are actual
people who think the world is flat, despite all this hurricane video shot from
space. Er, wait a minute, the moon
landing was all a hoax, too. Damn it, flat earthers, you got me there!
Psyche, dipshits. But I am not recycling my empty rum bottles every Monday
morning to keep the world flat. I’m not leaving turds floating in my toilet for
two days for the benefit of chuckleheads who don’t believe in global warming.
It’s bad enough the ghost hunters and bigfoot chasers will stick around. I
don’t want to bear the responsibility for leaving the world to future
generations of Kardashians. I cringe what the world will look like in 50 years
to Keith Richards and Ric Flair.
And just who are we leaving this world to, the “youth?” Have
you seen kids today? (And just so we’re clear here, I don’t have kids. The
Theory name ends with me, and whatever dog I have at the time that outlives me.
More on this shortly.) To be blunt, kids today are stone fucking stupid. We’re
all doomed. They have it too easy. They are coddled, in the misguided effort to
be PC, they don’t get the tools to cope in an adult society. Kids today live on
their tablets and phones, and they are encouraged to from the earliest age.
Don’t believe me? Next time you see a quiet kid in the super market or at the
restaurant, it’s very likely because their face is all aglow from a phone or
tablet. Next time you pass a school bus stop, see what all the kids are doing.
Necks crooked at angles, mindlessly staring into their phones, farting around
on SnapChat or chasing Pokemons or whatever the fuck. They’re gonna be the future senators. They’re gonna be the future doctors. They’re gonna be the future writers. See my point yet? Doomed, I
tells ya.
Never too early to get 'em started on Kevolution Theory!
And here’s the worst part, we’re our own mortal enemies.
Sure, corporations, governments, money, pollution, light beer, greed all play a
part, but too many people is the root
of this. Maybe I should clarify; too many
stupid people is the root of this problem. Which is really giving credence
to a possible campaign platform for my 2020 Presidential Run. Hear me out, then
donate wads of cash to my campaign fund.
There’re too many people on this planet. And maybe other planets,
too, but I will worry about that later. It’s causing global warming, it’s
increasing pollution, it’s increasing strain on our natural resources, it’s
increasing my wait time at the bar. I really think it’s time we tax children.
Think about all the other things we tax; cars, alcohol, property. These are all
things you have to consciously work for. Any two dipshits can have a kid.
You
only need to watch an episode of Maury
to reinforce that. If you are going to bring another human being into this world
to compete for the dwindling resources, then I think a yearly tax is more than
fair. The money raised goes to conservation and green causes. If you want to
sire a child, but then don’t have the resources to properly nuture it…um, I
meant to say him or her- I don’t see
why that is now my problem. If you can’t afford the kid, it goes into a
mandatory adoption program. There are so many couples who can’t have kids, this
is a win-win. It’s either that, or we harvest their organs. The copay for my
contacts is getting pretty redic. #VoteForKev2020
So, if the world is going to hell, why dafuq should I give a
damn? I’m a fricking hero for not having kids. I’m saving generations of wear and tear on the planet. Honestly, I could burn
Styrofoam, not recycle, leave all my lights on and devices plugged in, blast my
AC, kill bees, use straws, and I would still
be light years ahead of the green game. Why should I even bother now? Other
than my usual reason of course, than being a flaming asshole? I can just see me
Monday morning, slamming individual beer bottles into the recycle bin. Eyeballing my
God fearing neighbors with kids, “Look at what I’m doing, Ken.” I’d be
shattering glass like Stone
Cold’s entrance theme. “I’m fucking saving the world here, for you. Austin 3:16.”
Where are the GD meek that are supposed to inherit the Earth?
Can they even fix it? I don’t think so, or else they probably wouldn’t be so
meek. Damn, we really are screwed here.
Leaving this place better than I found it is certainly a
nice notion, but I don’t see that happening. If anything, I should be watching
old Japanese movies to see how they summoned Godzilla and Mothra so we could
get a reset. Speaking of, how many times has the news warned us of some
fantastic new disease or some new age, drug resistant plague that will wipe us
all out? Does it ever happen? NO! We can’t even successfully make ourselves
extinct. The irony.
I don’t have an ending. I really don’t.
DVD Bonus Deleted Scene
(I felt this was a fair point, but just couldn't find the proper spot to place it.)
I cringe to think they are also the future musicians. When I do listen to current “music,” I weep because it is, well, absolute shit. And this is not ‘Old Man Theory’ getting all uppity in his white socks; it’s just fact. Rag on hair metal, Nu rock, First Wave, grunge, etc all you want. The fact off the matter is today’s music is cookie cutter; put together by a large group of people (does it really take 10 dudes to write a shitty song these days?) to arrange a cookie cutter track and find some talentless hack to warble through Auto Tune, and that passes for a hit. No kids, sorry, that’s not how it’s supposed to be. Real music, and literature and art is out there, still. You just have to work a little harder to find it. But it’s so worth it. The proof is this here blog; it’s the best damn blog on the Net, and few people read it.
A thought occurred to me at my
town’s recent 4th of July parade. There I was, 6 deep into my 30
pack, when a local politician paraded by. “Shit! It’s, like 2018! There’s an
election in 2 years! And I’m running! I better kill these last 24 and get to
work!”
"America! Fuck Yeah!"
I’m starting to put together some
of my campaign platforms; the issues that are important to me, as well as you. High
level strategizing for sure. These are some of the ideas and stances I am
working on. This of course isn’t everything, but it gives the thinking voter an
idea of what kind of President you can expect me to be.
All political offices will now
have an ethics clause. I know, how come this isn’t already a thing, right? If we
can hold our athletes and celebrities to some sort of standard, why can’t we enforce
this for elected officials? Makes sense. If a politician is found in violation
of such clause (after due process through Judge Judy. She squares shit away in
30 minutes.), the offender is immediately relieved of his (and let’s face it,
it’s probably a dude, anyway) position. And fuck
these assholes trying to hide their criminal records, everyone is going to
be transparent. To further reinforce this ethics clause, I am thinking of
having the opposing political party insert the candidate of their choosing.
Kinda fleshing this one out a bit for shenanigans, but that’s a pretty good
twist, right? Speaking of political office…
Did you know Congress has
off the entire month of August? Did you know the House of Representatives
averages 138
“legislative days?” Those workhorses over at the Senate average a
mean 162 days a year? By way of reality check, let’s just say the average
American works 48 five-day weeks. Quick math on my phone tells me that’s 240
days. So how do we expect to get anything done when the decision makers work
almost 100 less days? And yes, to be fair, there is some play in those numbers,
click the hyper to read more. They’re all going to work more. I can’t do all the work around here. And in
fact, I won’t be doing all the work
around here. I will be very open during
my campaign and say I will be taking nights, weekends, holidays and one
floating hangover holiday per month off. I think that’s fair, and I’ll
occasionally check email and the White House GroupMes. Don’t worry, this is when
my VP will be working. You guys will be in good hands if the shit hits the fan
on the weekend. You’re welcome, America.
"Ha! You get my vote over my dead body, Kev."
"That's OK. I can wait."
Two-pronged attack on smokers. It
boggles my mind that in the year 2018, people are still smoking. Have we not
got all the facts that smoking kills? And yet it feels like I am seeing more people smoking these days. (Don’t
even get me started on the nonsense that is vaping.) While I suppose we should
all be rooting for cancer to thin the herd here, it’s not happening fast
enough. And here is where smokers piss me off even more; they’re GD litterbugs.
It seems every genius I see sucking a butt takes that one last, glorious drag,
then angrily flicks the butt like it ran over their mother. E-fucking-nough
here. It’s not bad enough you poison your lungs, but you poison mine, then
poison the Earth? How much of a flaming dickbag can one be? I will do
everything to increase the public knowledge of how deadly this habit can be. I
will raise tobacco taxes, with the revenue going to increased trash pickup and
recycling programs. You’re welcome, America.
Dogs in every house. In fact, I
plan to enact tax breaks for people who have dogs. More so if they are rescues.
Everyone knows dogs make life better, we don’t need the Kevolution Theory
Bureau of BS Statistics to tell us that. To fund this tax break, I plan to ax
children. No, wait, I meant to say tax children, my bad. I don’t know why anyone hasn’t thought of this before. Kids are like,
kinda free. You pay taxes on every damn thing else, so pay a few bucks for your
precious snowflake that will only use up more of precious Mother Earth’s already
limited sources. I may be persuaded to give breaks on other pets, too, like
cats and hamsters and stuff. But I won’t kid you, I will need to be lobbied on
that. Speaking of….
"Face it, the only thing uglier than this bed is your skank boyfriend.. I did you a favor. Good thing you have a coupla extra bucks because of me."
All lobbying will be broadcast on
CSPAN. I think I have like 3 damn CSPAN channels now. I know I should watch
them, they seem to be broadcasting important things. But CSPAN channels are
right after Tru TV. And I usually stop there because I just can’t get enough of
those darn Impractical Jokers! Larry!
But seriously, if you’re some
sort of PAC or lobbying interest. And you wanna get to me, you are welcome to.
It’s just gonna be in front of everyone else, so we can all see your
intentions. You should have nothing to hide, big oil, tobacco, NRA, telecom,
right? You’re welcome, America.
June 40th
is happening. Prepare. #YoureWelcomeAmerica
Cut cancer funding“Kev, you heartless bastard! How could you?”
Ok, so hold on, let me clarify this before this gets all fake news and click baity.
Cancer’s been around for a million years now, and for the life of me, I don’t
know what progress we’ve made, if any. Sure, there are arguments to be made
that we should really be addressing prevention and causation as opposed to
curing. My point here is conservative numbers proffered by the KT Bureau for BS
Statistics notes that approximately 40 kajillion dollars and 42 cents has been
raised/funded/donated to cancer research, and what has that got us? Really, I
wanna know. So, here’s how this works-
If you’re researching cancer and
receiving funds, I just want to see your progress. If you’ve blown through a
serious amount of dough and have nothing to show, toss off, wanker, you’re shut
down. Instead, those funds will go towards another research outfit, subject to
the same evaluation. It’s kinda clear to me we need some new, young eyes on
this. These current eggheads in the white coats seem to be doing jack. #YoureWelcomeAmerica
All baseball games end after 5
innings. People are busy and don’t have time for a full nine innings of this
bullshit. Also, I will strip it of the bogus “America’s Favorite Pastime.” That
moniker now goes to Facebook. #YWA.
Earn those handicap tags. For my
real job, (I know; occasionally posting funny ass blogs don’t pay the bills) I
travel a great deal. And statistics I have calculated own my own extensive
experience reveal 98% of cars that have handicapped plates/tags don’t need
them. I can’t tell you how many times (actually I can, it’s like 98% of the time, duh) I see a car with the tag or plate scoot right into the handicapped
spot and a very able-bodied driver springs right out. How fucking offensive. If
you are driving around with a handicapped plate/tag and don’t need it, you are
truly the worst kind of scum on the earth. It’s for people like this I hope
karma truly exists and allows me to beat them with a tire iron until until such tag
is truly needed. When I’m President, this is an arrestable offense, and civil
beatings of these douchebags will be tolerated. #YWA.
Pass
You must be licensed to wear a bikini
or grape smuggler. This is for your own good, as well as ours. #YWA.
Pass.
Hard pass.
Hard fail.
I will immediately revoke Pierre
McGuire’s visa so he can no longer ruin hockey games. #YWA, but sorry Canada,
that’s your problem now. Oh wait, he was born in NJ? GD it, OK table this one,
but I will figure it out.
"Ha! Nice try, Kev. Not today."
Fund musicians. Really. Music is
very important to life. And every day, I am truly inspired by how many musicians
I see out there, giving us the soundtrack to our miserable lives. Providing the
joy, hope, solace, strength, inspiration that pulls us through so much. Yet it’s
harder and harder for the truly talented of them to eke out a living in this
age of I “Heart” radio, MTV not actually playing any M anymore, low royalties
from Apple, Google and streaming sites, less and less venues to play. True
musicians need to be fostered and encouraged as they learn and get better. I
still buy CDs whenever possible; I’ll download when necessary. I will go to
their shows and buy their merch, as long as it’s cool. (It’s a bad feeling when
there’s an artist I want to support, and they have shitty merch.) To provide
for this, I will cut back on useless government spending from somewhere else.
Like the Olympics. Big deal, you won a gold medal in archery or skeleton. Now
go find a real job, slacker.
“But, Kev, I don’t really like
music.”
“First of all, that’s President
Kev to you and second GO FUCK OFF AND DIE
YOU HEARTLESS MONSTER. I WILL EXILE YOUR UNFEELING ASS SOMEWHERE THEY ALREADY
HAVE WALLS. WE DON’T NEED YOUR KIND HERE.” #YWA
Acceptable. You may pass.
Pass
Officially recognize “Coconut”
Roman Coke as the truly innovative and visionary writer he was. I know only 3
people get this reference, but it’s THE GODDAMNED TRUTH. I would tell you to
Google him, but he did such a good disappearing act, there is no web dirt on
him. That is truly humanity’s lost. #YWA
Uhh...yea...pass
Take a wild guess...
Driving under the speed limit is
points. More so if you’re in the left hand lane. #YWA
Pass
Of course, this is but a sample
of all my ideas, stances and platforms. I think you can see my progressive
thinking here. For sure there are more difficult issues to tackle like gun
control, environmental issues, education, immigration, health insurance. But
you guys know this is a humor blog, right? Only so many serious issues I can
tackle without some ha-ha’s sprinkled in. Rest assured, I will be working on
these for the next two years to earn your vote.
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