I have a brilliant idea. I want a creative way to mask my alcoholism. No, wait, that's not it. I thought it would be funny to play the Official Kevolution Theory Shitty Christmas Movie Drinking Game and Tweet about it. And guess what? You're all invited! That's right all of you! No cover charge or ugly sweaters necessary! And all the free exclamation points you can handle!
So here's the deal. The drinking game rules are below. No peeking. So we're all on the same page, here's the holiday piece of dreck we will be watching 8PM EST on Lifetime
This future inductee into the National Film Registry; a sure to be modern classic called Christmas Around the Corner.
We're all gonna be best friends by the time this movie is over
Now, truth be told, I came up with this list before I chose the movie. I chose this movie because it happened to be right in the time I wanted. And you can thank me because it is up against another piece of shit Xmas movie that "stars" Candace Cameron Bure, and I am pretty sure that movie would have poisoned us. Speaking of drinking, just by the 30 second preview, I can see we will be drinking. A lot. Hydrate now and get those Gatorades on the night stand for Saturday morning!
I really need corporate sponsors for this sort of thing.
I have also noticed, doing research, that apparently I have at least three channels that are showing nothing but shitty Xmas movies. I am pretty sure this is why the terrorists hate us.
"But, Kev, why are you doing this on Twitter?" Great question! I'm doing this on Twitter because I don't want to litter my FB friends' timelines with jokes that have such a short life span. Also, I realize a lot of my friends have an actual life and don't sit home on Fridays nights writing jokes no one reads. I'm not doing this to gain Twitter followers because, clearly, I don't have Twitter figured out. It just seems the best way for people who are interested in this sort of content to consume it. In the end, this is really just an experiment, and I have zero expectations. And if I play the Game right, I will also have zero recollection. Win win!
This could be us by 8:10.
I have also created the hashtag #DrinkingWithKT. Apparently, some other loser used #DrinkingWithKev, which was my first choice. Granted, it hasn't been used for over two years. But I don't have kids, and hashtags are as close as I wanna get.
Ok, so below are the rules. They will work with any shitty Xmas movie you will see on Hallmark, Lifetime or whatever other godforsaken "networks" show this drivel.
Follow all my jokes @ifyouseekev. Now go prepare, get your drinks of choice, cancel all your social engagements, get Gatorade, have water and Xmas cookies. It's OK, there's still one more weekend you can totes procrastinate on your shopping.
The Kevolution Theory Shitty Christmas Movie Drinking Game
Drink Everytime
Elf sighting
Reindeer!
Creepy Guy wearing Santa hat
Musical montage
People are outside in the cold, yet you can’t see their
breath
Jewelry commercial (yes, the drinking game continues through
the commercials. It’s the Kevolution Theory way)
Commercial for another shitty Xmas movie
You laugh at one of my hilarious Tweets
Drink Only Once If:
Plot involves someone returning to their hometown
Plot involves two people who originally disliked each other,
but you just KNOW they’ll be bumping uglies before New Years Eve
Someone is widowed or divorced
Single parents
Plot involves saving small town business; hotel, bookstore,
brothel, bakery, general store, library
Someone gets snowed in/stuck in town
Two people pretend to be in a relationship, and of course,
end up in a relationship
Protagonist career is any of the following: writer,
photographer, marketing, chef/baker, flight attendant
Someone from New York travels South
Male protagonist dislikes Xmas
Plot has anything to do with exes
Someone has an Xmas based name; i.e Holly, Nick, Donner,
Blitzen
Movie features that one actor….from that one show…..
Movie stars a country singer
Main character is leaving town at the end of the movie, but
we all know they skipped the flight and stayed
Story has anything to do with alternate timelines
Story has anything to do with people switching bodies
Drink Twice
If the girl looks familiar
When it starts to snow (No, NOT every time you see snow. I
don’t want to kill you.)
Plot involves some small town business that is related to
Xmas; tree farm, toy factory, etc
The Mayor gets involved
The tree is getting decorated
Tree lighting ceremony
Snowball fight!
Someone is building a snowman
I actually pick up a new Twitter follower
Movie stars Danica McKellar, Lacey Chalbert, Candace Cameron
Bure, Lori Laughlin
Santa Claus sighting
Multiples
If the plot has anything to do with a princess -3x
I don't like people. Doesn't matter if they are related to me or not. So, sometimes, being forced into actual conversation, I have to say some outlandish things just to survive. Things like:
We should all get together more often.
Good to know.
Oh, her? Yea, I dumped her ass. Last I heard, she got
married to some guy with an accent named Harry and he knocked her up.
I don’t know what time all the football games start today.
I watched that Monday night game. Every second of it.
Regardless, I think we can all be glad the Eagles finally
won a Super Bowl. Philly is a great sports town and deserved it.
This was actually from their last Thanksgiving game.
I got that promotion at work, I got several, actually.
My blog is wildly successful.
Is....is...that what I think it is on their heads?
I don’t know who clogged your toilet.
Ha! I already started my Xmas shopping
.
You losing weight?
Google "sexy pilgrim" and this is what you get.
Your thoughts on politics are fascinating. You need to put
more of them on Facebook.
Benching 350 these days.
I ran a 5K this morning.
Please consider this an homage, Dave.
These yams are delish.
That wasn’t me; pretty sure it was the dog. She musta got
into some bad scraps or something.
You mean you haven’t seen Hamilton? I’ve seen it. Twice. Got a Groupon.
No, I’m pretty sure I wore something different last year. I
own more than one good shirt and one casual pair of pants, I’ll have you know.
Wait, you said you don’t have rum?! And there are screaming
kids here? I mean, don’t worry about it, it’s all good. I’ll be fine.
I won’t be the drunk uncle this year.
I’m probably just gonna hole up and watch Hallmark Xmas
movies all weekend. They are all just so unique and different and creative. I can’t get enough!
No, that's not a naked girl on my phone. This isn't even my phone. I think it's Dad's. Yo Dad, what up with this, dog?
Guys, we need to talk. Like, seriously. There seems to be
this sentiment out there that we all have to love Xmas. ” It’s the most wonderful
time of the year,” the song goes. Every commercial shows happy families
greedily tearing open present after present. Meanwhile, there are starving kids
in some Third World country wearing Atlanta Falcons Super Bowl Champions
t-shirts. Yay holidays!
We spend hours and hours shopping in stores and in the few
remaining malls. We waste our precious online time not on FailArmy videos, but
shopping for even more shit for people we barely know. The driving, the
weather, the people. And this is fun?
Literally, the first image that comes up for "I hate Xmas.'
Look, it’s time we take a stand. It’s OK to hate Xmas. In
fact, I am pretty sure it’s in the Bible somewhere. Right after that story
about the guy who built the boat and carefully wrangled exactly one male and
female of every possible animal. So let’s break this shit down.
All The Xmas TV Movies Suck. I don’t wanna hear
another one of you skirts ragging on Saw
or movies starring the Rock as “being all the same.” If you can’t see the many
layers of the Jigsaw character, you are stone stupid. That is just a fact, and
science backs me up here. Yet it’s ok to hunker down on the couch in sweats any
my hoodie, eating cookie dough and watching Lifetime and Hallmark channels all
weekend. All those movies have the same damn plot. Some broad comes to some
small town and saves Xmas. Every damn time. Look, if you’re gonna watch this tripe at least do this.
I might even watch with you. Especially if the girl in the movie is hot. Which happens quite often; just sayin’, fellas.
"This is the hand I jack off to you with."
"OK, ga-ross."
There Are People Who Think Die Hard Is Not a Xmas Movie.
These people are to be avoided. For some, it doesn’t feel like the holiday
season starts till they see Santa at the Macy’s parade. For people like me, the
holidays don’t start till Hans Gruber is plummeting from Nakatomi Plaza. (SPOLIER
ALERT! Oh, wait, I should have said that sooner? Screw that, the movie is like
40 years old.)
"But I still have Bed Bath & Beyond coupons! They're 20 per centtttttttt"
Your Family Always Has That One Weird Aunt or Uncle.
What’s that you say? Your family doesn’t have one? Hate to break the news to
you…
It's like looking in a mirror.
The Songs All Blow. How many freaking times do you
need to hear GD Jingle Bells? Enough already! Just who the hell is "decking their halls?" And where do they get the boughs of holly? If Grandma wants to live by herself in the woods, she can stay there. Where’s all the GD Halloween
songs?
Ugly Sweater Parties vs Halloween Parties. You decide where you'd rather be.
BYOOIINNGGGGG!!!
The Ugly Sweater Thing Is Over and Done. It used to
be fun when you had to scour thrift stores for legit ugly sweaters that, at one
time, someone thought passed for formal wear. Now, you can find premade ugly
sweaters from your favorite team, band, movie, etc. Much like redheads, these
sweaters are soulless. I blame the slacker hipsters for ruining this one.
Yea, we get it. You didn't even try.
There Is No Return on Investment. Like, literally. I’m
not smart with money at all, and even I figured this out. Hate to be cold here,
but Xmas lasts exactly as long as there are unopened presents. Once all the
presents are opened, kiss my ass, I’m playing with all my new toys and games. It’s
what Santa wants.
Think of all the time you spend running to stores to find “the
perfect gift.” Think of the hours you spend shopping on the computer when you could be
doing better things, like reading this here blog. Then there’s all the
wrapping. And, hey, let’s throw in a few parties we don’t want to go to. And
let’s house all these cookies and bullshit. And Xmas is literally over in a
flash. Presents opened. It’s the 26th and you’re back to work
because you blew what little paid time off you had in the summer on “mental health
days.” Ho ho ho, dipshit.
Yes, OK, I know, Xmas is more than that. It’s
the traditions. It’s the food. It’s the family and friends. But here’s my dream
Xmas morning. Sleep late. Have traditional Xmas waffles. Open presents. See
family for as long as I can tolerate, while trying to figure out who our weird
uncle is. Return home and bask in my presents. Watch A Christmas Story a few more times.
The Santa Thing is Getting Kind of Creepy. As someone
who doesn’t have children (you’re all welcome.), isn’t this everything you
breeders tell your kids not to do?
Let me get this straight. You take your spawn to meet an old man-a stranger- in the mall? Then you tell
little Johnny or Neaveh (and enough with that name, BTW.) to sit on the strange
man’s lap? Wha wha WHA? And said old man-rumored to be an actual saint in some
corners-promises to lay lavish gifts on the child if they’re “good?” He sees
them when they’re sleeping, he knows when they’ve been naughty or nice? Then,
jolly old Santa breaks into your house?
Um, excuse me a minute as I get on top of my soapbox here:
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE????
That scenario is far scarier than anything on Halloween. Next
thing you’ll tell me is there is some creepy fairy that pays them for discarded
body parts.
The Hustle and Bustle Sucks. First off, at what other
time of year do we use the term “bustle? ”Just what is bustle
and why does it get into my hedgerow? For 4 or 5 weeks, all these nudnicks get in my
way; in the store, in the supermarket, in the liquor store, on the roads. Get
out of my GD way. And where’s my jetpack? I was told we’d have jetpacks by now.
Enough With the Fake Niceness. Yes, we’re all
supposed to be happy and full of the holiday spirit. But what is worse is the people
who pretend to have it. They go way over the top to mask their massive
unhappiness of being surrounded by assholes for a month. I feel ya there. (That’s
what she said.)
Xmas Trees Support the Deforestation of the Planet.
You monsters.
Merry Frickin' Xmas, jackals.
Xmas Is Just Rampant Consumerism. Sheeple! You’re
only funding the multi-national corporations. Plus, I had the Kevolution Theory
Bureau of Statistics tell me that 64% of Xmas gifts never get used properly.
64%! That’s like almost 65%! Yay! Let’s get more crap we don’t need!
You know what we should be doing instead? Giving to charity.
Does Cousin Dupree really need a $20 novelty piece of shit you picked up last
minute from the Kohls because you forgot he existed? No. Your money is far
better spent-as well as karma earned-if you throw a couple of bucks to Music and Memory, who helps people like Henry.
Mistletoe. In this climate we’re living in, how is
mistletoe even still a thing? What horny old man-and you KNOW it was a horny
old man-came up with this? It was probably
some pervy ol’ mistletoe farmer, if such an occupation ever existed. “I know, I’ll
invent some custom where I hang mistletoe up. And any pretty ol' lady that
wanders under it will have to get a peck on the cheek. And then I jam my tongue
down her throat! Brilliant!” How are all these uppity social justice warriors
not raging against stores that sell mistletoe, mistletoe balls or even the
classy mistletoe belt buckle? Which I may or may not be wearing right now.
Ladies? Ladies? Hello?
The Car Commercials. OK, quick impromptu poll. By a
show of hands-preferably the one not holding your drink-have you ever gifted
anyone with a car?
(No hands raised.)
Uh huh, uh huh. Ok, class, again by a show of hands, have
you ever been given a car for Xmas?
(Still no hands raised.)
Ah hah! As I thought. The Kevolution Theory Bureau of Statistics
show none of us have ever gotten a new car for Xmas. Can we please get rid of
these offensively unrealistic car commercials? (In fact, this will be part of
my presidential platform. #VoteForKev2020) In what Valhalla do these families
exist where they buy cars for each other? And if you notice, the people still get regular presents in the house!
WTF is this madness? Wouldn’t you be kinda pissed that your spouse somehow took out
enough money under your nose, they could
buy you a car and you never even realized the money was gone? I have a
theory about these commercial couples; the one that bought the car has been
having/wants to have an affair with the neighbor. The car is just a way to
soothe their conscience. Try watching those commercials now, you cheating
bastard.
No One Eats Candy Canes Anymore. I have another theory
that there hasn’t been a new candy cane made in years. They just recycle the
ones no one wanted this year for next. Kinda like the salad at your favorite
restaurant.
Tastes like 2016.
Xmas Cards. Again, what a spectacular waste of
resources. If you send me a Xmas card, you should just address it to Kevolution
Theory Trashcan so the mailman knows where to put it. I don’t even open them. I
don’t send them. I truly don’t care if you send me a card, we’re square either
way. Just don’t expect a Xmas card from me. Or a birthday card. Or a Father’s
Day card. Or a condolence card. I say the same things about holidays as I do
when I bounce; Kev don’t card.
Speaking of cards, enough with the creepy cards of just your
kids. Chances are I barely know you, so why the blue hell do I wanna see your
kids? I want to see YOU. What you look like now. I want to see who you married.
Yes, it’s shallow, but it’s human nature. Whenever you send a card with your
kids, you are telling the world, “I am now repugnant, hopefully my kids won’t
end up like me.” You have given up in life. May god have mercy on your
children.
Reindeer Boob. Yea, you’d think I’d be all about the
wimmen folk exposing their boobs. Plus, I’m a pretty big perv, too. (Yes, I
really am wearing a mistle toe belt buckle now, and no one in this book store
seems to be obliging.) But
I don’t know how I feel about this one yet.
In case you missed Part One, you can read it here. And even
if you did read Part One, so much has gone on since Monday, you probably forgot
about it already. Whatevs. So the one condition I had was the girl had to be
cute.
Fellas, this is Shenae.
It's like striking out with six girls all at once.
Ah, what a sweet Southern Belle name
Shenae is. Well, it turns out she’s from Canada. And that’s pretty hot, too. If
she looks familiar, it’s because she was on the 90210 “reboot” a few years ago.
(Don’t act like you didn’t watch. And that you still would to Jennie Garth.) In
fact, more cursory research-my favorite kind of half ass research here-reveals
just about all the actresses on the new 90210 have done some of these Xmas
movies. The movie I will toothpick my eyes open for is called Christmas
Incorporated. Description is:
Sometimes, life just seems to hand you exactly what you need
– particularly at Christmastime. In this new yuletide tale, Riley is scraping
bottom when she miraculously lands a job with a wealthy New York City
entrepreneur. He’s a bad-boy socialite type who is poised to play Scrooge by
closing one of his factories just before Christmas, which would devastate and
entire town. It’s left to Riley to talk him out of it and turn him into a man
of virtue rather than shame. But will a case of mistaken identity ruin the
whole plan?
Everything you’d need to know about this “movie” is here.
I guess this dude passes as good looking? I don’t know what
the hell passes for “good looking” with the ladies today. He looks kinda nerdy
and geeky to me, but I am easily jealous. Since I am being judgmental, Shenae was
much better as a redhead. I guess some might say I have a thing for reds. But
the dark hair ain’t working for me, and I will be sure to let her know in the
next 500 Tweets I send to her.
The movie starts at 2 PM. My guess is I will want to start
drinking at 2:05. But that’s OK, because I am unemployed, and pretty much do
that regardless of day anyway. Onto my review and thoughts.
Trust me when I
tell you this will be far more entertaining than the actual movie. I think it’s
gonna take me longer to write my critique of this movie than the hack who
actually wrote it. Note to self; write my own realistic Xmas movie where there
isn’t always the “Xmas miracle” at the end. Get hot chick to star. Ka-ching!
Open, stock shots, of NY, cut to interview. Shenae plays
Riley Vance. Riley gets shot down for a great job because she is unemployed, I feel
ya, sister. She gets a hot tip to interview with William Young, who, of course,
has just inherited his father’s company. Our, heroine, Riley, gets the job, but-shocker-her interviewer confuses her with another Riley (that happens in stripper clubs a lot, too), Riley Van Allen. Our Riley never lets on, and we never know
what happened to Riley Van Allen. Maybe she ended up a corpse on the ID Channel
or something.
Of course, William is contemplating closing down the
flagship factory. Next thing we know, Riley is flying her way to Dover, the
requisite small town being kept afloat by the toy factory. Yup, like this shit
happens in real life. Fill in the blanks, hack writers.
William doesn’t like Xmas of course, so I am with him. Willy
doesn’t fly he wants to drive-his motorcycle. Rebel. On his way into town, William
gets pulled over by what can best be described as the “local-yokel” officer.
William takes his helmet off, and of course, perfect hair. It is noted, he has
no luggage what so ever. Dunderhead William didn’t bring his ID, so he gets
taken to jail. If he can’t even carry ID, how can he run this company? The local paper runs a headline how William already got arrested his first 5 minutes in Dover. I don’t
like his chances….
First commercial break shows an ad for what has to be
another horrible Xmas movie starring another girl I am pretty sure was the brunette in the
new 90210. Is there some sort of clause in their contracts?
It’s 20 minutes in and no drink yet. I think I should get
some sort of chip for this.
Riley takes William to the house she’s rented. He hates Xmas
and demands all the decorations she put up be taken down. You da man, Willy! Not shown, William watching Riley seductively bending and stretching while she writhes to take down all the decorations. At least that how I would have written it.
William says his parents weren’t around for Xmas. Um, yea, maybe because they
were busy running the family toy business and affording your lavish lifestyle,
you dickhead. You don’t deserve my sweet Riley, even with her dark hair.
There’s a nosy town reporter starting to take pictures. This
could be trouble. Rilliam-as I now call Riley and William-head to the factory.
Cue montage of William and Riley touring the toy factory.
Now I’m no expert
here, but when I see the factory is making wood toys, magnifying glasses and
teddy bears, no one should be shocked it’s going under. The cup and ball segment has shrunk since the 1920s. Where’s the drones and
X Boxes and smart watches? At one point, Riley says, “Nothing is impossible at
Xmas time!” I think I just puked in my mouth a little bit. Riley comes up with
an idea that-of course-can lead the factory to profitably.
The town is just happening to have it’s 114th
Winter Carnival. The mayor cajoles William to be grand marshal. It looks like
this ‘carnival’ is taking place in an alleyway, this town really is kinda shitty.
Another local yokel immediately heckles William, and asks if he’s going to
close down the factory. William waffles like a true politician.
Riley gets bummed out that William choked, so she does what
any cute girl does-sit by herself on a park bench. Then a “Santa” just happens to
come by and does what any dude would do in this situation-hit on her. OK, maybe
he really didn’t, as any guy in a Santa suit can be a bit shifty.
In the interest of transparency, I am skipping parts here.
You guys should be thanking me. William runs into the Santa guy, who is clearly
the real Santa, like, duh. I think there has to be a real Santa in all these
Hallmark movies. Another Xmas movie crutch.
Call me nuts, but I think these crazy kids are falling for
each other. That’s a pretty novel twist for a holiday movie, right? Right?
I really didn’t think I could get offended by anything I saw
on TV after the election, but I am wrong.
My seven remaining brain cells are
distraught. Ha, little do they know all the beer will kill them tonight!
After the break, Rilliam are at an ice rink, which is probably
the coldest set in the entire damn movie. They’re getting kinda flirty, but
there’s that nosy reporter with her nosy camera! William starts laying it on to
Riley. William will make dinner for Riley. Take notes here, guys.
"Trust fall!" Catches her by the boobs.
During this commercial break, we (I feel like you’re here
with me now. I even put pants on.) see more previews for shitty Hallmark Xmas
movies. This one was for as big Hollywood star who comes back home and falls
for two small town guys! Drama! I can’t wait to not watch it! I think anymore
is all they do is just hack up all their older movies with the same damn plot and
re-edit them back together.
I also see an ad for SImplyFitBoard.com It’s all just people
swiveling on a board. I shit you not.
Back to whatever this movie is called. Good to know it’s
rated TV-G, since only 5 year olds could enjoy this crap. While having dinner,
William tells Riley she reminds him of his grandmother. Dude! Brah gotta work
on his pick up lines. Nosy reporter takes pictures of them eating and the next
day’s headline asks who his mystery date was. Aren’t there like lost dogs or a
local football team to report on?
While at the factory, William is approached to be in Secret
Santa. He doesn’t know what that is. He draws the youngest girl there. Will is
a hit in this town. Rilliam declare there was no date last night-as they eat
lunch. By themselves. William needs help buying for his Secret Santa. Riley
finally gets William to dish on why he doesn’t celebrate Xmas.
William’s mother died, so his grandmother made Xmas special.
When grandma died, that magic faded, William’s father was too busy running the
damn company. William misses grandma at Xmas, so therefore, he hates it. Sound logic
to me, William. Air high five, you overdramatic bastard.
45 more minutes of this bullshit. I have never wanted Xmas to
come quicker.
William’s company runs Riley on their site as being a new
hire. But, OH NOES!! The company website listed the Riley they thought they hired, not our current
Riley. You know who catches this? That meddling reporter, that’s who. I smell complications!
Riley gets William to read to a bunch of school kids. She
knows he can read; she must be turned on now. That Santa guy reappears. Neither
Riley nor William invited him. They have no idea who this guy is, and don’t
seem concerned that Santa is spending all this time with young children. I am
sure the school will just send a letter home about this “stranger danger.”
Riley says she’s never had a boyfriend past Thanksgiving. I
think this is called foreshadowing. Or she just dated guys that didn’t want to
buy her presents. We’ve all been down that road before.
Fucking 32 minutes for Riley to be exposed as the wrong Riley.
Also, the factory and town need to be saved and Rilliam has to happen. Lots to
tie up. I sense the reporter will bust Riley at the factory or in front of the
entire town. Damn mainstream media.
Do they award Pulitzer's for blogging? Because, damn, I
feel like I am earning it with this one.
After redecorating the house for Xmas, Riley invites William
to Xmas at her parents. That’s her boss still. Totes awk. While at the
factory-called it!-nosy reporter busts Riley in front of William. Riley
confesses, William, now douchey and not taking her cuteness into account, gets
all pissy. Riley leaves, William gets all emo and mopey.
Yet, everyone else can forgive Riley and see how good she
is. William is typically dense, such a dude. Even the freaking mayor tells
William to nut up. The mayor goes on this long, sappy drawn out story about
meeting his wife. In writing circles, we call this the “Oh shit” moment, where
the obvious point finally dawns on a character. I am pretty sure this “Oh shit”
moment happens at just about this point in every one of these damn movies.
William’s all caught up “Riley wasn’t who she said she was.” William must not
be on Facebook. Or Tinder.
Riley retreats home to the safety of her parents’ couch.
Doorbell rings! Guess who? Bill Cosby! JK, just seeing if you’re still paying
attention. It’s William. Rilliam might happen!! I hope he brought her a Sexy
Santa set!
He says he now doesn’t care she “lied,” he needs her to come back to
the factory tomorrow.
To save the factory, William bought the remaining toys. Now
they just need to deliver the toys. While Rilliam is in the truck, he sets her
up with her own business so she can consult on his other companies. The truck
breaks down, and Riley fixes it. Clearly, there is nothing she can’t do, and at
this point, I might take a swing on her.
FFS, the last 5 minutes are mushier than damp bread at the
bottom of the lake. They start making out, camera pans to sky. I’m pretty sure
they broke up before New Years Eve.
I had been noticing a strange phenomenon on my cable
recently, since before Halloween, actually. I mean aside from the fact
Springsteen was right and there’s 257 channels and nothing on. How is that even
possible? How can I have this many channels, and still not find anything good to
watch? If it wasn’t for football, hockey, and a true handful of shows I like to
watch, I would cut the damn cord. Anyway, apparently I have some channels that
show nothing but Xmas movies. 24 hours a day, seven sad, sad days a week. What
the effing eff? Is this why my cable bill is so high?
Why does Xmas get this much attention? Why not my beloved
Halloween? There are a ton of cool, vintage horror movies out there, and more
than enough since the slasher genre happened in the late 70s. Why can’t I have
a couple channels of just horror movies for the month of October? They can take
any of the 103 channels I never freaking watch. Is it too much to spend a few
hours every fall with Vincent Price and Jigsaw?
"NO! Not the Heat Miser already!"
It’s been a while since I’ve written anything for myself. So
what better way to bust out of a slump than to torture myself? That’s always
funny, right. Right!?! Geez, the things I do for you guys. So, maybe it’s time I
see for myself what one of these Hallmark/Lifetime Xmas movies is all about.
I will watch a Hallmark Xmas movie.
The good news is this is one less person to buy presents for.
You guys pick yourselves up from the floor yet? Yea, OK.
Good
Now, I have done some cursory research-my favorite kind of
half ass research, don’t cha know--and I think all these Lifetime/Hallmark
movies have the same general plot. Cute, single chick meets handsome (I guess)
dude with a secret why he doesn’t like Xmas. One of them might own a business.
If it’s the girl, it’s a struggling business (like, duh, of course, she’s a girl!), and handsome dude’s company is threatening
to put her out of business. Another hackneyed angle is the dude runs a business
(usually a family business, often inherited) that is directly tied into Xmas;
sells Xmas trees, a toy company, etc. His business is located in a small town
where, of course, it’s the main source of employment for the town. And dude
wants to shut it down because he has a penis and it’s evil. So he has to come
to Christmasville or whatever, to shut it down. Said hot chick appears. She
either lives in the town or works for his company. And, goddamn it, she’s just
the one to save the town and admit her love for the dude 10 minutes before
credits roll. Book it, done.
Often, the dude is so stone stupid, he can’t even see cute
chick is falling for him. He might even-gasp!-start dating another trollop. I
think there’s gotta be some shitty writing factory where they just hand out Mad
Lib type outlines, and poor schmucks who can’t make any money writing their own
blog have to fill out the blanks. Get a chick who used to be on One Tree Hill
attached, and it’s green lit.
Naughty and nice.
OK, but I at least get to pick what dreck I am going to
subject myself to. And if there’s anything that can make anything tolerable, it’s
hot girls, so I get to pick. I have noticed that many of these movies star a
certain tier of actor. Like not super-famous, but maybe was on a hit show a few
years ago. In fact, more cursory research-my favorite kind of half ass research
here-reveals there’s like a whole collection
of actresses who apparently just do shitty Xmas movies now. Lacey Chabert
"Hey! Eyes up her...ah, never mind."
"My jacket conveniently hides my boner!"
does
about three a year it looks like. Teri Polo, Danica McKeller,
"I hear you like math. You + me= 15 seconds."
Candace Cameron
Bure, Alicia Witt. I guess it’s smart money. Suffer through one movie, and it
runs a billion times every year, and they probably get a nice royalty check.
These movies are my horror movies. After watching this, you
broads better not ever bitch EVER when your guy wants to watch a horror movie.
Actually, the two types of movies aren’t all that different. More often than
not, a cute girl and her boobs is the main protagonist (look it up) in both
horror and holiday movies. At times she will display poor judgment; i.e. run to
the basement or fall for her boss. Holiday movies, though, are far more
predictable. The factory will stay open, the town will be saved, Xmas will
happen, the couple will fall in love. Every
time. Why can’t someone make a dark Xmas movie? Maybe the factory closes,
maybe the girl decides she doesn’t like the dude. Maybe that strange angel
character was just a drug fueled illusion this whole time. That’s not how
holiday movies work, apparently. But they should every once in a while.
And now I will subject myself to the sheer torture that has
to be a Hallmark Xmas movie. There needs to be a word for dread; just a hundred
times stronger. ‘Cause that’s what I’m feeling right about now. Wish me luck,
and I hope to not be the shell of a person I expect to be afterwards. The movie
review itself will be up on Black Friday; my gift to you.
