Let's Get Drunk and Watch Shitty Xmas Movies Together Tomorrow Night

I have a brilliant idea. I want a creative way to mask my alcoholism. No, wait, that's not it. I thought it would be funny to play the Official Kevolution Theory Shitty Christmas Movie Drinking Game and Tweet about it. And guess what? You're all invited! That's right all of you! No cover charge or ugly sweaters necessary! And all the free exclamation points you can handle! 

So here's the deal. The drinking game rules are below. No peeking. So we're all on the same page, here's the holiday piece of dreck we will be watching 8PM EST on Lifetime

This future inductee into the National Film Registry; a sure to be modern classic called Christmas Around the Corner.

We're all gonna be best friends by the time this movie is over

Now, truth be told, I came up with this list before I chose the movie. I chose this movie because it happened to be right in the time I wanted. And you can thank me because it is up against another piece of shit Xmas movie that "stars" Candace Cameron Bure, and I am pretty sure that movie would have poisoned us. Speaking of drinking, just by the 30 second preview, I can see we will be drinking. A lot. Hydrate now and get those Gatorades on the night stand for Saturday morning!

I really need corporate sponsors for this sort of thing.

I have also noticed, doing research, that apparently I have at least three channels that are showing nothing but shitty Xmas movies. I am pretty sure this is why the terrorists hate us.

"But, Kev, why are you doing this on Twitter?" Great question! I'm doing this on Twitter because I don't want to litter my FB friends' timelines with jokes that have such a short life span. Also, I realize a lot of my friends have an actual life and don't sit home on Fridays nights writing jokes no one reads. I'm not doing this to gain Twitter followers because, clearly, I don't have Twitter figured out. It just seems the best way for people who are interested in this sort of content to consume it. In the end, this is really just an experiment, and I have zero expectations. And if I play the Game right, I will also have zero recollection. Win win!

This could be us by 8:10.

I have also created the hashtag #DrinkingWithKT. Apparently, some other loser used #DrinkingWithKev, which was my first choice. Granted, it hasn't been used for over two years. But I don't have kids, and hashtags are as close as I wanna get.

Ok, so below are the rules. They will work with any shitty Xmas movie you will see on Hallmark, Lifetime or whatever other godforsaken "networks" show this drivel. 

Follow all my jokes @ifyouseekev. Now go prepare, get your drinks of choice, cancel all your social engagements, get Gatorade, have water and Xmas cookies. It's OK, there's still one more weekend you can totes procrastinate on your shopping.

The Kevolution Theory Shitty Christmas Movie Drinking Game

Drink Everytime

Elf sighting

Reindeer!

Creepy Guy wearing Santa hat

Musical montage

People are outside in the cold, yet you can’t see their breath

Jewelry commercial (yes, the drinking game continues through the commercials. It’s the Kevolution Theory way)

Commercial for another shitty Xmas movie

You laugh at one of my hilarious Tweets

Drink Only Once If:

Plot involves someone returning to their hometown

Plot involves two people who originally disliked each other, but you just KNOW they’ll be bumping uglies before New Years Eve

Someone is widowed or divorced

Single parents

Plot involves saving small town business; hotel, bookstore, brothel, bakery, general store, library

Someone gets snowed in/stuck in town

Two people pretend to be in a relationship, and of course, end up in a relationship

Protagonist career is any of the following: writer, photographer, marketing, chef/baker, flight attendant

Someone from New York travels South

Male protagonist dislikes Xmas

Plot has anything to do with exes

Someone has an Xmas based name; i.e Holly, Nick, Donner, Blitzen

Movie features that one actor….from that one show…..

Movie stars a country singer

Main character is leaving town at the end of the movie, but we all know they skipped the flight and stayed

Story has anything to do with alternate timelines

Story has anything to do with people switching bodies

Drink Twice

If the girl looks familiar

When it starts to snow (No, NOT every time you see snow. I don’t want to kill you.)

Plot involves some small town business that is related to Xmas; tree farm, toy factory, etc

The Mayor gets involved

The tree is getting decorated

Tree lighting ceremony

Snowball fight!

Someone is building a snowman

I actually pick up a new Twitter follower

Movie stars Danica McKellar, Lacey Chalbert, Candace Cameron Bure, Lori Laughlin

Santa Claus sighting

Multiples

If the plot has  anything to do with a princess -3x

Mehorah sighting -5X (this one gets legit next year)

Socials

Mistletoe

Carolers

Someone is drinking eggnog

Drinker’s Choice

The main guy/girl started out “kinda cute” but as you’re playing this game, he/she gets hotter

Starting to feel shame because THIS is the way you’re wasting a perfectly good Friday night

Chug

You cry, you big sally

My Best St Patrick's Day Jokes

Yes, OK, I know. It's the 18th. St. Patrick's Day was yesterday, and I actually didn't tweet these jokes. That's because they would be mostly lost on the 4 people that do follow me, and my FB audience-which still largely ignores me, too-seems to respond better. So instead of constantly hitting the pause button on my St Pat's drinking, I decided to save them up and put them all in one place. So, if you did read these yesterday, I thank you. You might wanna read again, in case you forgot a few, as I sure forgot writing a few. Plus, I didn't even use all my jokes, so there's new ones spread through out, as well as day after jokes. So lie back (you ARE still in bed, amirite?), keep putting that Gatorade down and figure out what you want on that pizza as we stroll down foggy memory lane.

I'm drinking so much green beer, my pee is blue.

In kind of a haughty bar. There is a girl next to me drinking 4 Loko. This place clearly does not serve 4 Loko. So she brought her own supply of 4 Loko to a bar. I rarely use the term "spirit animal"....

Pretty sure this "Irish" amber I am drinking is called "Something Else" amber the 364 other days of the year.

I'll admit it. I wasn't really feeling it, but then I listened to "Shipping Up To Boston" like 15 times in a row, and now I'm looking to get good and shitfaced.

Uber driver "Are you drinking a BEER in MY CAR?
Me "No, I'm getting ready to give you a zero star rating."
A consensual-though awkward-silence follows

Pro tip for all the newbs today; NO ONE knows what all these old Irish songs are about. Just nod your head, drink your beer and occasionally say "Slainte!" or "For Bobby Sands!" and you'll be fine.

I swear, sometimes the jokes write themselves.

Walks into a bar.
Bar is playing U2.
Keeps on walking.



Did you really just order a Bud Light Lime, dude? Get dafuq out of here before you get thrown out.

Pretty sure the 13 year olds in Ireland knock it off with the dancing when they discover the whiskey.

Where will I spend more money today?
1) Bar tabs
2) Uber rides
3) Resulting legal fees and restitution
(Spoiler alert, it was bar tabs. By a LOT.)

Sitting here watching the NCAA tournament. And it got me wondering; were there ever any great Irish basketball players? Or football players? Or hockey players? Or baseball players? It seems to me all the great Irish athletes are fighters. Which makes total sense. I am sure there's probably some great Irish dart throwers as well.

Ultimate Irish athlete?

On the 18th, all the pros are out, buying the 50% off crap so we can wear a different green, gaudy t-shirt next year.

The best thing about having no fashion sense and wearing mostly black is all the green stuff is pretty easy to pick out.

Two words; leprechaun porn. Yes, it exists (Rule 34) and after an hour of extensive...uh.."research" I have also discovered I have no shame.

Kinda off topic, but I have become a huge user of the Irish Goodbye.

Yes, the camera on your phone has the filter that only shows green, and no you shouldn't use it for your social media today.

People in a bar dressed in green on the 17th; "Yay! Fellow partiers!"
People in a bar dressed in green on the 18th; "Fucking alcoholics."

My Latest Brilliant Idea

I am really pretty stupid when it comes to the Internet. I would have loved to have gotten a sweet domain name, copyrighted it, and have the money to own my own island. But I was such a loser, the only domain I snagged was HotNakedChikcs.com. That’s right, I didn’t even spell it right. Well, for the record, I did “own” WEAMissile.com, the last edition of which still shows up via Google search.

So I don’t get Twitter; don’t get it at all. I think it serves to make every asshole seem self important. Yes, because I have to know that you are currently at the supermarket. You may think it’s edgy and deep to post something like “why do they call it a supermarket when there is nothing super here? And where’s the milk?” In your mind, you may think it’s some sort of post modern slice of witty brilliance. And your friends think you’re a self righteous dipshit. And an unfunny one, at that.

Face it, no one has to know your every move. “Gee, I see Joe ‘got up’, ‘went to work’, ‘at the game’, ‘having a drink with the boys’ and ‘tired & going to bed.’” Wow, Joe, you are quite happening and make my day of “jerking off like a rabbit” rather shallow in comparison. I know by and large Twitter is a by-product of having cell phones with net access. And maybe this is sort of off topic, but shouldn’t the past sense of Twitter be “twat” and not “tweet”? Maybe “twit”? Just saying.

Anyway, I really think Twitter is mostly full of self important douchebags. So maybe you will be surprised to find out that I am on Twitter. (I know, I know, what’s next, I’m on Facebook…er, wait a minute) I am on Twitter to follow 4 people; 3 are musicians and one is a hockey show. I check in from time to time, and that’s it. I. myself, have never twatted or tweeted, or twitted once. I just follow a few off the radar type people.

I don’t like that Twitter limits you to 140 characters. Actually, for some people, it’s a godsend, because it limits their normally longwinded monologs. On the other hand, when you happen to be a gifted and loquacious writer-such as say, myself-you can find it to be quite constricting. I would like to think I have more to say and offer than a measly 140 letters will limit my brilliance to. (Already I’m past 410, and aren’t we all the better for it?)

I don’t like that Twitter seems to be like a voluntary giving up of your rights. It wasn’t all that long ago that everyone was crying for more privacy. Now, with Twitter, you can blab to the whole internet that you are on vacation. Your house is empty, but the fridge is full. Doesn’t it seem a little invasive? Sure, if you don’t twat about your actual whereabouts, it’s no issue, but it seems most of the shitheads on there openly tell everyone where they are all the friggin’ time. A friend of mine invited me to a site called Loopt, where people can see wherever you are, based on the GPS on your phone? Huh? Again, I got nothing to hide, but that seems pretty invasive. But, hey if you wanna give that kind of info out, then I got no problem knowing you’re at Taco Bell or 7-11 or wherever. I am one of the un-specials; I don’t have an iPhone, and I think my phone is so ghetto, it doesn’t have GPS. Sometimes, if I wander too far, the string breaks…

So what was I talking about?

Yes, about my next get rich quick scheme. Being out of work for so long, surely I have the mind that will conjure up the next, multi-billion dollar idea. Hey, Billy Mays left the space, someone’s gotta fill it. And like most great ideas, it’s more so a twist on an established idea. I can’t stand Twitter (I think you know that by now, right?). But I really enjoy 2 similar sites that are the same basic concept; except more focused. The sites I refer to are http://www.fmylife.com and http://www.textsfromlastnight.com

Both are similar to Twitter in that all the ‘entries’ are short. F(uck)MyLife deals with short, mostly ironic or embarrassing stories. TFLN deals more with either strange or drunken texts that people have received. If you waste your time on Twitter, I highly advise you knock that shit off and visit those 2 sites instead for far more laughs. So with that in mind, here if my idea, none of you peckerheads steal it, all right?

Shitter.com. (Yes, it’s a pseudo skin site now, advertising everything from Russian brides to Christian singles, but I think I can get it.) The focus of Shitter.com will be material (texts, voicemails, even video) taken while people are on the hopper. Reading on the bowl is so 1950’s people! These days it seems everyone else has an iPhone. So why not use it while you’re deucing? I have admitted a lot of my great ideas take place while in the bathroom, so let’s harvest that energy. Did your roommate leave something embarrassing in the bathroom? Are you in a public stall and the guy next to you has riotous gas? Tape it and send it in. (All you First Amenders just look the other way here, I will protect the innocent and gassy.) Is there a mass of something in the shower you just can’t figure the origin of? Let the Net decide!

C’mon, tell me this isn’t money. Did your hot female roommate leave her thongs out again? Did you leave an upper decker at a party? Vomit in the sink? Are you trashing the bathroom of the hotel you are at? The world needs to know. Shit, man, once I get this off the ground, it is Easy Street, my friends. So while I take care of all the mumbo jumbo legal stuff, I need all of you to start gathering evidence I could post. I know for most of you, that won’t be a problem.