Kevolution Theory; The News Channel

There I was, 11 at night. I had just finished watching the Impractical Jokers channel. What, you don’t have that channel? It used to be called Tru TV, but every time I click on by, it’s IJ. I’m not complaining though. But, GD, am I sick of the Law and Order channel. Talk about bumming yourself out.

Every time I turn on the local news, it’s the same damn thing. Shootings, police lights, political moves that make you scratch your head. The formula never changes. It’s not news, it’s bad news. Turn on any of the 24 hour “news” channels, and it’s ridiculous. I turn on one channel and the issue is A. B and C. I turn on another news channel, and the same issue is presented as strictly X, Y and Z. Throw in the bullshit links people seem to like on their social media, and it’s no wonder we don’t know what to think.

This needs to change. I think, quite honestly, there needs to be a Kevolution of how and what news is presented. It got me to thinking-how would I change the news? How would I do it so it is more appealing, not so doom and gloom?

"Am I needed here?"

Why do they have to be negative stories? Why does it have to be about people dying, or overdosing or being stupid? Why can’t it be good, positive, inspirational, encouraging news? I’m not talking about that bullshit, hippy dippy drivel that one friend always posts on FB like nature quotes and bullshit. What if the news was actually about good people doing good things for other people? What if the top story was about a good person doing a good deed? What if it was actually news you could use?

My dream co-anchor. Coincidentally, also wearing my dream apron. I never even knew I had a dream apron.

What if the news really gave you an alternative view? What if the news was respectable? What if it was actually good news? What if it was actually honest? This is a lot to ask of the media these days, and there’s not too many brilliant minds who could redefine the news. In fact, I can only think of one such brilliant mind. Me. 

Beat it, Huey, I'm taking over here.

So I sat down, and started writing out just what and how I would do it. And this is the formula I came up with. For one of the few times in KT history, are you ready to NOT be offended? Here’s my vision.

Hello, all and welcome to Kevolution Unfiltered News Television. That’s right the KUN…. (Nope, No, No, Wait a minute. Nope. No. OK, so I’ll work on the title later) Here’s how a typical news cast would go.

Your Esteemed and Well Respected Journalist and Host- Kev O’Lucien. (Ok, so that’s not my actual name, but you would be surprised how many well established news journalists have stage names. Like, did you know Dan Rather’s real name is Oleg Kavorskiwich? Really, go look it up.)

Kev O’Lucien-Hello everyone and welcome to the 11 o’clock news. I am your host, the esteemed and well respected Kev O’Lucien. A pleasant evening to you. And right now, the big story is- (dramatic pause) PUPPIES!

KO-Would you like to help out other homeless dogs? And, OK, maybe a cat or 2? The shelter is full of them, and they would add so much to your life. So go open up your cold, black heart.

KO-Our next story, is about unhealthy people who got healthy. 

KO-Good job, guys! Very inspiring. Almost makes up for the shitty music. And lack of detail how they actually did it. I guess we'll roll part two tomorrow. And now, it’s time for the weather, take it away, Hot Weather Girl!

HWG (with attitude)-Um, I have a name, Kevin.

KO-I’m sure you do. But we really want to know is- what the weather is going to be like for the weekend? 

HWG (pulls out her phone to look at weather app) Well, Kevin, it’s the middle of July, so it’s what us meteorologists like to call ‘seasonal’. It might get really hot for a few days, then cool down. If you see clouds, there might be some rain. That’s what my Kevolution News weather app tells me. Get the app for free now on Android, you iPhone users can shove it up your pretentious ass. This getting all dressed up and giving you the forecast every damn night seems pointless when your lazy ass can look up the weather literally any time you want. And back to you, Kevin. (Pause.) And back to you, Kevin. (Another pause.) STOP LOOKING AT MY BOOBS, KEVIN!

One day to write this post, 8 days GIS 'hot weather girl.' These Spanish channels got it going on.

KO (calmly)-Thanks for the update, Hot Weather Girl. Now time for sports. To you, Sports Guy who doesn’t look like a jock at all.

SG (quickly looks at his phone)-Partial score tonight-Notre Dame 6. (Ok, that’s an old George Carlin bit. I’ve been listening a lot to his channel on SXM. Even though he has been gone for some time now, a lot of his material still holds up today.)

SG-Really, do you need more than the hometeam score? Look, it’s the summer, and the local baseball team sucks. But you know what? There’s a big ol’ world of sports that ain’t the “big four.” If you want that, then please go watch channel 6s sports cast. Here, we’re gonna go over NASCAR. And MMA. And lacrosse. You guys ever see this X Games stuff? That shit is gnarly! Hell, tomorrow is my in depth look at Lucha Underground. If you think soccer is boring, have you ever seen it played in the sand? Totally different! And all this-and even more!-can be found on the Kevoluton News app. Download for all your Android enabled devices.

KO-Thanks, Sports Guy. Hey, do you know the Weekend Sports Guy? That guy looks like he played football. Or at least lifts. The sports seems a bit more authentic coming from him than a pencil neck like you.

SG (tries to hide look of shame)

KO-Speaking of lifting, I hope you saw our earlier story on transformations. For more on how to get healthier, here’s Health Reporter Girl. I think she might have been a nurse at one time. Take it away, Health Reporter Girl.

GIS 'hot tv reporter girl' lead me to this internet celebrity. She's French and probably doesn't even report on heatlh, but hey, man, close enough. She is tres caliente.

HRG-Do you want to be healthier? Here’s a few tips you’ve probably heard a billion times by now, but have always ignored. This isn’t rocket science, people. Eat better. More fruits and veggies, less Skittles and Cheetos. Try a NutriBullet. Exercise. Maybe go to the pound from our first story and get a new best friend who will keep you active. Join a gym or any physical activity you find fun. Wallyball. Foxy boxing. Train for mud runs. And ladies, protein will not make you bulky. Join group work out classes. Thanks, and I’ll be back tomorrow to say the exact same thing till you get it through your thick skulls. Back to you, Kevin. (Pause.) Back to you, Kevin. (Pause.) STOP STARING AT MY BOOBS!    

           

KO-Speaking of boob jobs, here’s a list of some local job fairs. If you are unemployed or under employed, here are a few job fairs for different fields. Please note, none of these job fairs offer anything for blog writers because those dipshits never make any money. Here’s current affairs reporter –how many damn reporters do we need, anyway-with a report about current affairs. Over to you, Current Affairs Guy.

CAG-Look, we try to stay away from the negative stuff here, but since we care about you viewers, here’s few tips to survive the impending health care collapse. Get solid health care coverage for yourself and dependents. If you can’t, then may God have mercy on your soul. By the way, the soul is now actually a pre-existing condition. Fortunately, this isn’t a problem for all these dickhead politicians, because they have no soul to begin with. Back to you, Kevin.

KO-Great stuff there. Solid, really top notch. That vague and generic tip to “get solid healthcare” doesn’t even need further explanation. Word to my mother. If you don’t have anything to do but read idyllic blogs this weekend, here’s a list of free and low cost activities like museums, hikes, adult education classes, meet ups and bar crawls.

Now, let’s hear from a local visionary who has a truly brilliant idea.

KO Wow, that guy is sharp. Genius. Keep an eye on that kid. I like the cut of his jib.

SG (off mic but still heard in background) He probably doesn't even know what a jib is.

.

KO We'll have more Kevolution Theory News after you watch this and we do shots in the studio.

Cut to a few commercials, then a public service announcement.

The following is a public service announcement-PUT THE FUCKING PHONE DOWN AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE WORLD AROUND YOU.

KO-And we’re back, with one last look at weather, where I can’t imagine anything has drastically changed in the last 14 minutes.

HWG-No, tomorrow the sun will rise and set like I forecasted.

Clearly, most of my budget will be going to the hot weather girls.

KO-Sports Guy, anything from you?

SG-Yes, another late breaking score; the away team 17.

KO-Thanks for watching the news. 

Spokeo Scam

Have you figured out this whole Spokeo thing is a scam by now? It’s brilliant marketing, for sure. In case you have actual friends that live real lives free of their iPhones and PCs, here’s the deal. Over the last few days, word and outrage arose over the most vaunted and respectable of places; Facebook. Within milliseconds, my FB page was plastered with status updates advising me of the evil that is Spokeo.

Spokeo is a website that contains personal information. Say there’s someone you want to track down; an old college roomie, an ex, that hot movie star who is in love with you and sadly doesn’t even know it yet. You put in their name and location, and eventually pinpoint the exact person down. From there, you are privy to a whole host of personal information; income, spouse, value of house, personal fetishes, etc. Surely, the availability of such info is invasive and shocking. How they get a hold of and release such info is another matter. A matter that will require something called ‘research’, and that is something your dear Klogger is not willing to fucking do on a Saturday afternoon. Let some other hack deal with that whole bee’s nest. However, I will contend of their description of my house as ‘ramshachkle lean-to’, but have no qualm with my job title of ‘unemployed naredewell’.

Spokeo hatched a brilliant marketing plan, and the gullible lunkheads on FB all fell for it. Again, forgoing this ‘research’ thing, here is my take on how this hatched. However Spokeo is created, it’s created. An employee who works for Spokeo puts that infamous status on their page, and, voila, it spreads like Nazi Chicks for Jesse James. Now, let’s be honest here. As soon as you saw that status pop up, what was the first thing you did? Did you rush to said site and get your info off of there? No.

You went to the site and entered all your friends info to get the dirt on them.

Don’t even tell me you didn’t, I know you did. And so Spokeo used FB to generate millions of cheap hits. You all fell for it, hook, line and sinker. Think I’m wrong about their marketing plan? Consider this; before all this hoopla, did you even know of the site? No, no one did. So if a tree falls in the woods, does it make a sound? If there’s a site and no one knows about it, does anyone really care? No and no. But, now, everyone knows.

Of course I ran my own info through it (don’t tell me you didn’t run yourself either, egomaniac). And here’s the kicker; my info is wrong! Not only is it wrong, but it’s wrong in a good way. Spokeo has my house drastically over valued. It has my Lifestyles and Interests comically wrong. According to them, I read comic books. I also read children’s books. Huh? I enjoy cruises, even though I’ve never been on one. I research stocks, bonds and investments. Quite frankly, I look far more adult and happening on Spokeo than in real life. Hell if I’m gonna take that info off. Let all my legions of ex-girlfriends look me up and see that shit. Now who made the mistake, Pam? Fuck you, I enjoy wine, food and gardening now.

So don’t be so hasty. I am sure the more literate among you can figure out ways to make yourself look better, wealthier and smarter on the site, so have at it. Next thing you’re gonna tell me is Wikipedia is made up.

Mandy Moore Watches Me Pee

Really. That’s all I got. I just really like that title. Mandy Moore watches me pee, and she loves it.

Yes, I feel like a bad blogger lately. It’s been awhile since I put something new here. No excuse, just life, weekends, holidays, mind numbing amounts of booze, etc. Actually, I’ve been on a bit more of a roll lately as far as this whole writing thing goes. I’ve gotten some pretty decent sounding leads lately. I mean, there really aren’t any scams on Craigslist anymore, right? I’ve found some cool sounding places to send my work to. And besides being the best damn blog on the internet, KevTheory also works as a nice resume. Nice of course meaning “pieces written about dogs and game shows”. So with this flurry of activity, I guess I should put some new shit on here. Shit, of course meaning “pieces written about toilets and magazines”.

I really wish I had more to say now. I haven’t had any life altering experiences lately. I see Michael Jackson is still dead. I know you all come here for a weekly dose of some sad sack unemployed hack whining about how unfair life is and everyone else is stupid. But that only goes so far.

So what was I talking about? O yea, Mandy Moore watching me urinate. I am sure you have many questions. “Kev, what is Mandy Moore doing in your bathroom?” “What is she chained to?” Isn’t Christina jealous?” What else do you do in front of Mandy Moore?” “Does she think your farts stink or does she cup them up to her nose?”

For the last few days, I have done both #1 and #2 in front of Ms. Moore. I’ve showered, shaved, brushed my teeth in front of lil ol’ Mandy. And just how do I pull this off? Well, it seems my wife has taken to leaving her magazines on top of the toilet. Yes, guys leave SI and Maxim on top of the crapper; chicks leave workout magazines. And for the past few days I’ve been whipping it out and doing the helicopter right in front of Mandy fricking Moore. It’s actually kinda liberating.

And MM just stays there like a good little girl. She doesn’t bitch, nor complain. She doesn’t criticize. She just lays there, a sly smile as I foul the bathroom. I never really liked MM. Nothing going on musically, never really found her ‘hot’ or attractive. But she had that whole Christian thing going on, and who wouldn’t want to defecate in front of that?

I ‘fess to sometimes flipping through her magazines. I never knew who Olivia Wilde was until she was on the cover-guess I gotta start watching House now. I don’t keep any of my few magazines in the john. (I think I only get 1 now anyways.) But it’s funny how workout magazines are still generally the same, even if they are marketed differently to men and women. Almost of the girl workout magazines I flip through whilst deuce-cutting all say the same basic thing on the cover. It’s always how to get tight abs, the hot, new food to eat that will shed the pounds (since when did blueberry count as being new?). There’s a hot new routine that will make you all Megan Fox in just 4 mere weeks. During the summer, there is almost always some quick workout that will get you ready for your bikini in just 3 weeks. Yea, I call shenanigans.

Men’s workout magazines are no different. There is usually something about abs on the cover, too. Whereas most women are looking to slim down, most guys are looking to add muscle. Sure enough, there’s almost always some 4 week program sure to have you ripping your shirts at even the thought of flexing your guns. I used to get a bunch of the workout magazines. Some of the writing was downright funny, in a sad way. Like there was some over-supplemented jock trainer calling you “bra” and yelling such power words as torch, max and pump. Really, after reading the hyperbole in some of these rags, it felt like I was reading WEA’s old hype pages for their shitty releases.

Anyway, back to Mandy. Did you know she’s married to Ryan Adams? How the hell did that happen? How did a credentialed rock star meet and marry a Mandy Moore type. Somewhere, Martika is crying because she’s married to a landscaper.

So that’s all I got. I have to go say hi to Mandy for like the 3rd time today; damn buffalo chicken chili pizza.

Proposed New Kevolution Theory Taglines

Ok, so this here blog has been around for a while now. And I've been using that same "It's not Revolution..." tagline at the top of the page. Since I am not computer proficient, we all have to suffer with just my extreme gift of writing knowledge. As such, and in the interest of keeping this bloggy dealie thingy all fresh like, i thought it was time to try some new stuff here.

And seeing how I am a computer knudnick, the easiest way for me to do so is try a few new taglines. So, with that in mind, here is what I've come up with.

The funniest combinations of 26 letters

The lighter side of undiagnosed clinical depression

The ramblings of a miscreant

What will one day be referred to as “The Lost Years”

If Christina Applegate just read this, she would madly, uncontrollably fall in love with me

Charm personified

Reality with a side of sarcasm. Or maybe the other way around. Whatever

Fourth grade humor written on a second grade level

Based on a true story

Where Coke is for color, and beer ain’t for sippin’

Soon to be a major motion picture

Where truth doesn’t count as much as humor

Bonus Features

DVD Commentary

OK, so this is one of those 'easy'posts. It's all essentially punchlines. It's one of those throw everything at the wall and see what sticks kinda things. Now if I knew how to post some sort of poll on here.....

Ideas you can steal for your college thesis

New Wallet

I had to do something this week that I don’t often do. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I did it. And, NO, it’s not getting a fucking job. I had to buy a new wallet.

Which is odd, since I don’t have any money.

But it was time. Time to retire the Playboy logo emblazoned Velcro wallet that held my life the last 23 years. OK, that’s a joke. But I did have a Velcro Playboy wallet in high school. Because, Lord knows, the young 10th grade girls get really turned on when a potential suitor pulls out the ol’ Playboy wallet to pay to get in to the dance. Really, how did the girls stay away from me? Seriously, what girl is gonna get impressed by that. Anywhoo, back to current day. It was clearly time to retire my wallet. I don’t know how long I had it, but it perfectly molded to the shape of my right butt cheek. I am not looking forward to breaking a new one in. But at least I sit on my ass all day, so I got that going for me.

The little slots that hold credit cards, etc were ripping. It’s a sign you need a new wallet when your ATM card somehow escapes your wallet and you find it on the driveway. The part that held my few scant dollar bills had a hole in the bottom, so I really wasn’t spending all my money on cheap hooch at the liquor store.

My wallet had been bursting from me being a pack rat. Cripes, I have tons of cards and whatnot in here. So let’s perform an ‘xperiment. Let’s just see how much shit I have crammed in here. We’ve established there’s no cash. But in the cash section is one of those key chain size card things for CVS. Boy, these things fucking piss me off. Why do we need shopper cards? Why do I have to have a card to save 30 cents on a bottle of shampoo? Why can’t they just give it to me? Why do I have to join their little club? And it almost never fails, when I do have to go to CVS to buy something, and I don’t have one of their special cards, they always have one to scan right there at the register. So, again, I ask the faceless cyber world, what’s the point? And it turns out I have more such cards.

Turns out I have one to Acme. As much as I slam fucking CVS, they don’t bust nuts when it comes to having their card. Acme does. I usually go to Acme when I go to the liquor store, which is right in the same shopping center. And there have been times I’ve picked up bottles of Coke (and magazines with Christina on the cover) and they refuse to let me use the store card to save 4 cents off both bottles. Bastards! Well, I’ll show them now. I also have one to a local indy pet store. I wrote about them in a previous post, but I haven’t been able to return. I think it says something that I don’t have the regular card size card; no, these are the things that go on your keychain. I just don’t know what it says. Let’s keep going.

Look, a frequent buyer card to the Subway right up the street. I know it’s cool to slam Subway now, but I like them. It’s great tailgate food. Plus, they don’t have that gay oven that Quizzno’s has. Hmm, a Staples card that I haven’t used in like 2 years. In front of that is a PetSmart card. My Blockbuster card, are they still around? Library card. Ha, NERD! My card to Sam’s Club. Yea, I know, evil empire and all, but I am poor and like to eat 5 pounds of ground turkey. AAA card that I hope I never have to use. Insurance card, OK, I guess that can stay. My ATM card and Discover card round out the cards that make the migration to the new wallet. So let’s see what doesn’t make the cut.

AMEX card and MasterCard. Shit, how many of these do I need? I have accumulated a bunch of business cards. One to Primo Hoagies. Really, WTF do I need this for? I know where they are located. Trash. A card from a manager of my favorite band; yea, I’ll hold onto that one for now. A card from a landscaper that I might use when I actually get a job and save some money. A made up biz card from one of the douches in my fantasy league. Humorous, but 86ed nonetheless. Lowe’s card; yea, don’t need to be carrying that around. Biz card to my mechanic, maybe it’s bad luck that I carry it around, so into the trash it goes. Ticket stub to a show 2 years ago. Biz card from a music exec that never lead me to a job. Two guest passes to my gym when it went by another name. My old WEA card, along with a WEA card that breaks down tips to 18%. I will keep this, because I suck at math, and I never know how much to tip at Baja Fresh. OK, I have thinned out the riff raff. That was actually the easy part. The hard part is finding a wallet I like.

I don’t consider myself a particular kind of guy. I am not too picky. But I do get hung up on small things. Take sunglasses, for instance. I like mirrors. I feel it gives me some sort of edge. I like that I can see people’s eyes, but they can’t see mine. They think I am paying rapt attention to them, when I am really rolling my eyes in disgust and utter boredom. Plus, I like that I can look at anyone, and they won’t know it. Mirror shades are required for any and all trips to the beach. And I also like for the glasses to be one piece and wrap all the way around my eyes. This is to prevent eye cancer. And also to check out all the chicks. But mostly the uh…what did I say…yea, the cancer thing. So, yea, this is kind of 80s I guess, but I like it, and it’s one of the few things I can still pull off. Plus, such shades look really boss with my Dokken ’88 shirt. You can see, it takes me some time to find a pair I like that meets all the requirements.

Wallets are kind of the same thing. I don’t like tri-fold; bi-fold is the way to go. You can ask me why. (G’head, ask me, I’ll wait.) It’s just the way I like it. I am not one of those guys that has to chain it to their pants, either. Just a simple wallet, how hard can it be? Actually, easier than I thought. One trip to Target, and I actually find one I like.

Now comes the breaking in process. For a while, my ass will look odd; well, odder than it usually does. This new wallet even has one of those little plastic things that holds photos. Does any guy even use these picture things anymore? I don’t; no pics of the wife, dog, nuttin’. It will only take up the valuable space that otherwise goes to frequent shopper cards I scarcely use.

So if I have done one thing right this week (and that may very well have been all I’ve done right this week), let it be this. I feel more organized. I feel more ready to meet the challenge of the world. I feel….feel….poor. But with a newer wallet.

Why I'm Not on Facebook

Surely there must be something wrong with me. I am a grown, well mannered adult. I am sure one day I will hold a respectable and responsible job, when I fucking find one. I have never been arrested. I talk to most of my family. I am happily married; at least that’s what I think I am. But everyone is doing something that I refuse to. Just about everyone I know is on Facebook.

I don’t get the hubbub. I have a MySpace, and am perfectly content with that. O, how everyone I know goes on and on about Facebook. “I’m on it all the time.” “I’ve met so many old friends there.” Maybe it’s my decidedly old school thinking. Maybe it’s something new that I secretly fear. Or maybe it’s because I think everyone on there is a narcissist. Who am I to judge? I get emails all the time from people I barely know who invite me on. I think it’s about time to see what all this hullabaloo is all about.

I’m no fool though. I create a bogus account. No way I am giving myself up if I don’t like what I see. Here’s the first thing I don’t like about Facebook; you can’t see anyone’s page. There are many attention whores on MySpace who have their pages as public, so you can look at their blogs & pictures. You can get a general idea of what they are up to. You can see where they work, if they’re married, what they like to do, etc. It’s a great way to just kind of “drop in” and see what this person is doing, then scram with never revealing yourself. Thank God the internet has made stalking so much easier.

No such luck on FB. Every page is locked; you have to be their friend to have access. All you get is a picture, and sometimes a location. It seems to me, that just like in MySpace, all these pictures seem very deliberately posed & staged, but I will get to that later on. Yet, in many cases, you can see those person’s friends. Huh?

Here I am old school. Friend is a very serious, heavy word. I don’t really consider myself having very many friends. Yes, it is a small group, but I would almost be willing to die for any of my friends. Almost. So the fact that you can go to someone’s FB, or even MySpace for that matter, and see they have 300 friends is a turn off to me. It tells me this person has totally devalued the meaning of “friend”. Apparently, to these folks, someone who you’ve known all your life is in equal standing with someone you met at that kegger last week. That’s rude and disrespectful in my world.

I also think much of FB is lurid. I see just about every girl lists her maiden name as well as her married name(s). It’s almost like they think someone is out there, thinking of them, pining for them, searching for them. It’s a little bit high school for me. Yet, the coin has another side; it’s also a great way to track down girls as well. Ah, the net givith and taketh away. That’s why I am not on FB, nor use my real name on MS. I am not looking to be found. Honestly, I really don’t think there is anyone out there actively combing the Net to look for me. But I would be scared to find that out, though. There are very clearly a few people I hope never to hear from again. The fact that they could look me up on FB is a bit scary. I don’t want any of my stalker ex-girlfriends bothering me these days. Yes, Christina Applegate, I’m talking about you. (make ‘call me’ motion with hand.)

I don’t like the search engine. It needs to be expanded upon. The by name field needs to be filtered by city. And sure, options like by work and school are fair. But it could be more. Other search options should include; by name of bar, by name & place of party, train and of the catch all “that one time at…” I guess the appeal for me today will be high school. I hated my time at HS; and I have no contact with anyone from that era. You see, I believe in karma. We all know that friends will come and go over the years. There may be that one person that appears, and just as quickly fades for no reason. But I believe if you were really meant to be my friend, we would still be in touch today. Yes, I can look back and name 2 dozen people I wish I was still friendly with. There are a few people I wonder about quite often. But for whatever reason, we’re not in contact. Friendship goes 2 ways as well. And it just looks like maybe it was something that just runs its course. There have rarely been cases where someone has disappeared, then reappeared years down the road and assumed the same prominence.

High school seems to be the appropriate place to start, since I have no attachments there. This point is reaffirmed when I only barely recall 5 of the first 10 names. Lo and behold, here is a guy I was actually fairly tight with in grade school and high school, so let’s click on him. (Names will be changed to protect the guilty and the stupid.) First thing, Will, change your fucking picture. You look like a pedophile, which really wouldn’t surprise me. Hmm, a bunch of names that aren’t familiar, a girl I haven’t seen since 8th grade. Foggy HS memories start coming back. Names I haven’t thought of in 20 years. Hey, one of the smart girls turned out pretty cute, go figure. And that cute girl hit the wall, so sad. Man, this FB is all about busting illusions, huh?

It’s an odd collection, as I’m sure everyone’s is. I notice a lot of people either list where they now live, or who they work for. OK, that’s a big reason I won’t go on here. It’s hard to appear ‘successful’ when you’ve been out of work for 2 years. That is so not the image I would want to convey. Yea, this would have been cool 3 years ago when I was hob-nobbing with rockstars. That would have made all the girls jealous. Face it, if I got on there now & said I was unemployed, I am sure every one of those bitches would shake their head and go “yea, I thought so.”

How sweet, the HS sweethearts are still married and have 2 kids now. I am seeing a trend here that bothers me a bit that I will get to a bit later on. Ha, someone actually has their prom picture up, that’s funny. There’s the requisite burn out, pictured on the golf course. Damn, for sure, I thought that guy would end up huffing spray paint under the bridge. But, no, it appears even he can fucking find a job. WTF is wrong with me? Here is another one of the hot girls. It’s just Kay’s married name and a picture of her 2 kids. Seeing this makes me happy; it tells me she is now a fat cow. Ha, take that, Kay. As I scroll down, I see another disturbing trend that I will also touch on later.

Christ, there’s Pat! Pat was a tall, red haired geek. He was one of those guys a lot of people made fun of. And there he is, balding white hair, and with a girl, so good for him. O God, Ray. Ray was the nerdliest of the nerdliest. Yes, he was even worse than me. He always looked a bit odd. His hair always seemed wet. He was so bad, he used to be our bitch. My collective of nerds all sat at the same table for lunch. And we used to make him go and get out food. Then we’d fuck with him some more. We’d get him to get us fries, and when he came back we yelled at him because we wanted cheese fries, so Ray would have to go back up in line and exchange fries. I am not lying when I said we did this every fucking day. And Ray was also the kid who played with himself during religion class. No lie. We would watch him as his hand disappeared into his pocket. It looked like there was a small animal trapped in there, he was so active. Wait a minute, this is also the kid that handled our lunches? Uh, excuse me a minute as I go puke a bit. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), he chose not to post his picture.

Here’s another one of the girls I recall as cute, and it looks like she held up quite well. I guess there is some justice in the world. Shit, there is Steve. I hung out a lot with Steve in grade school. When we got to high school, he started showing some burn out tendencies. So it is no surprise his pic is him playing guitar in Mobile, Al. Nice arm tattoo, he is just the way I thought he would be.

So this brief jaunt down memory lane will now serve as the basis for the rest of my FB thoughts. Everyone is on here looking to get fucked. Everyone on here is a narcissist. Everyone on here is a poser. Let’s look at some of the trends I’ve uncovered.

Trend #1 the default pictures. There seem to be a few variations here. Some people show their wedding picture. By & by, this is OK. It satisfies two curiosities; 1) what you look like these days and 2) who you be fucking. I notice another trend, which I will term “look how well I am doing”. (and, yes, this is a bit tenuous since I am out of work, but, hey, write your own thing) Here is so and so on the boat. Really? OK, maybe it’s just my fragile state of mind, but it seems a tad too much. There is another trend of golf of all things. I don’t get golf, but I guess a lot of other guys do, as quite a few ex-classmates have their pic playing golf. Even the burnout has his picture on the golf course. Shit, I always thought he’d be on grass, but not that kind. Another one which I hate is pics with kids. Either you with your sperm donation or just the kids themselves. No one wants to see that. For example, there’s Jeff, another one of the more popular and handsome kids back then. His pic is him holding his kid. Now it’s not bad enough Jeff has a bunch of white in his hair, but holding a child makes him look like he’s pushing 50.

Seeing all this aging going on makes me feel pretty damn good. Why, you ask? Look, you know I have very little vanity or ego about my appearance. It’s not common or in vogue to be honest. I hope I don’t come off as having an ego here, but I will say it anyway. I look far better than most of the guys in my class today. Honest to God, no BS. I really think I have turned out far better than any of those ballsacks. Some have lost their hair, while I still have most of mine, and it’s still generally shoulder length.

A few months back, I ran into a girl I went to HS with. And she did not recognize me. This is really one of the biggest compliments any of those nerds could pay me. Yes, my hair is ‘long’, and I am trying my best to cultivate a true Grizzly Adams goatee these days. It is a fact I am in far better shape today then I was 20 years ago. In fact, I would make a fair wager to say I have a far better body than anyone on the football team. (Big whoop, I know that amounts to nothing in real life, but just lemme get my jollies here, OK?) I am really half tempted to get one of those infamous MySpace “angle” type pictures, and put it on their to boggle their little minds. I am sure I would win ‘best transformation from nerd to axe murderer’ at the reunion this year.

Default pictures can also be at the beach. My favorite ones are where it’s just the person all dolled up. You know they are available and trolling for action.

Yea, I think a lot of these photos cry “look at me!” Every picture tells a story, but the lack of a picture also tells a story. It tells everyone else you look horrible and hideous. I see some heifers in Will’s friends pictures, but at least they are who they are. But what’s the point of not putting your picture up? There is a fair deal of vanity to these things, definitely. So why not go all the way and commit? It only allows for rampant and probably incorrect speculation. (You have been reading this article, right?) This also applies if you have a picture of your pet.

I am always a bit jealous when I see some nerd I went to HS with ended up moving somewhere exotic. Like, you know, anywhere but here. I am sure it’s no where near as glamorous as I am envisioning, but that’s always been a hang up with me. And I see some people list their company name as well. OK, that makes me jealous, too.

Which brings me to Trend #2, which I find equally if not more so disturbing. No one had this many fucking friends. I am sorry, but I call shenanigans. No one has over 100 friends. It stops becoming about ‘friends’, and more about making people think you have that many friends. Seriously, no one falls for it. It becomes a cock-off to make sure you have more ‘friends’ than any one else. I make this decision based on Will. As I scrolled through his friends, I see many ‘friends’ he never even spoke to in HS. Now, all of a sudden, they’re friends? Bullshit, no they are not. It’s like baseball cards; you want more than anyone else. You want the ‘complete set’, even though that is an impossibility. You add that guy who vomited on your good shoes because you think it’s ‘funny’ you tell your friends. But it’s just another sign of your vanity and insecurity.

I’ve heard stories of people becoming addicted to FB; they’re on it all the time. Even though I have a lot of time on my hands, I think I check MS every few days. I know you can change your moods or something on there. Look, my life ain’t that interesting that I constantly have to update it every 10 seconds. I am sure a general statement of “I’m still fucking unemployed” will cover me for a period of time. I have heard stories of people updating it through out the day. “I am at work” “I am tired” “I am hungover” “I am 15 seconds older then when I was on here last”

All in all, it was a nice little trip down memory lane. It’s a mild temptation at best, but not enough for me to get on it. Yea, it’s a bit intriguing, and maybe if I was at a different point in life it would make sense. It would be flattering to have someone ‘find’ me, but everyone I know who wants to find me knows where I am. And that is good enough for me.

Cool TV Jobs That Aren't

OK, so lately, it seems like most of my writing inspiration comes from 2 things. 1) Being unemployed and 2) Sitting on my fat ass on the couch all afternoon, watching Maury. And I think I am probably boring all of you to a slow painful death with my lack of job situation, so I should let that go (for now). But then I thought why not combine my two favorite topics? Here’s the topic; TV jobs that seem pretty cool, but I wouldn’t do them.

Cash Cab
I cannot in a million year ever see myself doing this job. You’ve seen the show, right? Unsuspecting people get in a cab and are asked questions on the way to their destination. Ben Bailey is the host, and I know he was a comedian, I’ve heard him on Raw Dog and he does have a Comedy Central special. It’s a shame, because I think he can be funnier on the show. I just don’t think it’s an easy job. I don’t know how I would interview to be the driver. Them: “Ok, we’re going to throw you in a cab and you will drive people all over NYC. You have driven in NY before, right?” Me: “O dear Lord, no. Driving in NY would scare the hell out of me. There’s enough motards where I live, I can’t imagine the level of motardity in the city.” Them: “Well, it’s not like you would be alone. You would wear an earpiece where we would give you the questions to ask.” Me: “So let me get this straight. Not only will I be driving in NYC, but I will have an earpiece, too? Are you just asking me to crash into something?”
Them: “No, of course, not. Remember, you will have to talk to your fares, too.” Me: “Can I ask them questions like Taxicab Confessions? Find out who’s cheating on who, maybe have some hot, drunk chicks dyke out on each other? Now that I would do.” Them: “Get the hell out of here.” Seriously, I can’t imagine that’s a very easy job.

Mythbuster
Yes, I know that’s a surprise. Any show where they fast forward through hours and hours of tedious work is not for me. Sure, some of the myths are pretty cool, as is any job where you can blow stuff up. But do I really want to fold a massive piece of paper over 8 times in an airplane hanger? Hell, no. But I would gladly volunteer to personally shower off any silver that would get on Kari.

Dirty Jobs
Duh. Sorry, but not even for TV am I doing any of that shit. The concept is funny, and Rowe can be a pretty funny guy. Search YouTube for Mike Rowe QVC to see some of it (animated love is my favorite clip) But it’s getting kinda repetitive by now. Anymore, it seems they throw Rowe into the same 2 basic things; animals and food. And both seem equally disgusting, which says a lot.

Ghost Hunters
Again, another show where they edit out all of the monotonous work. If you’ve ever watched the live Halloween shows, you know what I mean. I think I would do OK, usually nothing scary happens. Wander around in the dark on TV calling out to voices is called ghost hunting. Do it in my neighborhood on the way back from the pub, and they call it ‘disturbing the peace’. Plus, I would be too busy trying to act all macho for the camera. But I know I would probably do something like this guy instead http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ok1HBWF2ofo

Christina Applegate’s Underwear Inspector
OK, that’s a blatant lie. I would do that job. Plus, I think I’ve figured out that when I put pictures of hot chicks on here, the hits seem to go up. It’s an ancient Internet equation; hot chicks = hits. And who am I to disappoint you, loyal readers? Enjoy

Man Against Nature
Because I don’t know when the next time my plane will crash over the Ugandan desert or some such shit. Has TV really gotten to the point we’re just dropping people in hazardous places and watch them make their way out? It should be riveting, I know, but it isn’t. Where do you even go to learn this stuff? At least get the guy who played MacGyver and throw him in Antartica.

I could go on, but I have to go, Maury's coming on. It's another great white trash/who's the daddy episode. Those always make me fell better about myself.

Wisdom

Originally written on 3/22/7, my birthday

The closer you live to a train crossing, the more likely you are to hit a train every fucking time by

Dogs can pretty much eat anything. Sure they might puke it back out in a few hours, or poop strange colors for days, but, still, technically, they can chow anything

While some grey has crept into my scruff over the years, I have found exactly one grey hair in my head, which I promptly pulled the sumbitch right out

All those kids I mock at the mall for dressing different and wearing the t-shirt of the band of the week were me 19 years ago

The older you get, the harder it is to have true enthusiasm

The older you get, the easier you become jaded

The Olympics are a waste of time and money. (Quick, name me 5 famous American Olympians. And saying the 1980 hockey team doesn’t count) Congrats, you trained all your life to win a gold medal in the three man luge. Now go back to greeting the white trash at the Walmart in Bumhicksville. The Special Olympics mean far more to those athletes

If Christina Applegate ever met me, she would totally fall for me. In a minute

It’s my experience that 95% of people don’t realize all they have and are ever truly grateful for it. Seriously, take a day, walk around your place, and be thankful for all in your life. Somewhere out there is a homeless vet who did more for this country than I ever did, and has less

I fucking had this look long before Nickelback, damn it

One of the things wrong with this country is that it’s gone the way of the few. If 4 jackoffs have a problem with something, well, then we have to change everything around

Whenever you can, support the little guy

After 21, there pretty much aren’t any big birthdays left

Rarely does the beer taste as sweet as the cheap beer you used to get wasted on when you were 15

If you really want to think “green” and save the planet, the solution is simple. Don’t have kids. All these fucktards that drive their 4 kids to lacrosse practice in a big ass SUV with Planet Earth bumper stickers on it are hypocrites

The coolest car in the history of TV is KITT from Knight Rider. One day I hope to be rich enough to buy it. Second place; Speed Buggy

Summer is the best season off all. And if you disagree, you’re a motard. Buffalo knows what I’m talking about

NASCAR hasn’t been the same without Dale Earnhardt

The best think to drink before going to bed after a night of drinking is Gatorade

The best thing to eat before going to bed is some cottage cheese and then peanut butter. You will have vivid dreams the first few weeks

No matter how bummed out I get, I just need a few hours looking at the bay or ocean to be a new man. For a few hours anyway

People who park in handicapped spots, even just to “run in”, are true scum of the earth

If there is a God, and he’s Buddha, we’re all pretty screwed

You shouldn’t live to work, you should work to live. When I hurt my knee a while back, I noticed I became more grumpy when all the things I liked to do were taken away from me.

I don’t write near enough

The decision makers at the top of big companies are rarely in touch enough with the real world to see the true impact

If you ever had anyone write a song about you, well, that is awesome

I try not to have regrets, but I do regret not going away to college, and I do regret never learning to play an instrument

You don’t spend enough time with your dog. Ever

Life should be the relentless pursuit of a good time. That’s my motto, and I try to stick to it

Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, try to have a good time. It might not make sense in certain situations, but at least give it a try

Getting older means peeing in the middle of the night. Sometimes more than once

Added Commentary
This was written on my birthday last year. I can see I was in a reflective mood. I can see how some of these one liners have pretty much been themes in later klogs. I can vouch that a lot of the "getting older" ones are still too Goddamned true. I still eat cottage cheese and peanut butter before bed most nights, but the dreams have long since stopped. How ironic that line about the decisions made by the head honchos of all these corporations are rarely in tough with the real world. That's even more true today. Call me Kreskin. I am also guessing that this was a clearinghouse post. I had all these ideas floating around my head, but they weren't fully developed enough to merit their own post. Lately, it's been hard for me to hold to that relentless pursuit motto. I have learned now that it takes money. And I have failed miserably at that 'whatever you're doing have a good time' thing. And I know I am still so right about Christina falling for me....