Kevolution Theory; The News Channel

There I was, 11 at night. I had just finished watching the Impractical Jokers channel. What, you don’t have that channel? It used to be called Tru TV, but every time I click on by, it’s IJ. I’m not complaining though. But, GD, am I sick of the Law and Order channel. Talk about bumming yourself out.

Every time I turn on the local news, it’s the same damn thing. Shootings, police lights, political moves that make you scratch your head. The formula never changes. It’s not news, it’s bad news. Turn on any of the 24 hour “news” channels, and it’s ridiculous. I turn on one channel and the issue is A. B and C. I turn on another news channel, and the same issue is presented as strictly X, Y and Z. Throw in the bullshit links people seem to like on their social media, and it’s no wonder we don’t know what to think.

This needs to change. I think, quite honestly, there needs to be a Kevolution of how and what news is presented. It got me to thinking-how would I change the news? How would I do it so it is more appealing, not so doom and gloom?

"Am I needed here?"

Why do they have to be negative stories? Why does it have to be about people dying, or overdosing or being stupid? Why can’t it be good, positive, inspirational, encouraging news? I’m not talking about that bullshit, hippy dippy drivel that one friend always posts on FB like nature quotes and bullshit. What if the news was actually about good people doing good things for other people? What if the top story was about a good person doing a good deed? What if it was actually news you could use?

My dream co-anchor. Coincidentally, also wearing my dream apron. I never even knew I had a dream apron.

What if the news really gave you an alternative view? What if the news was respectable? What if it was actually good news? What if it was actually honest? This is a lot to ask of the media these days, and there’s not too many brilliant minds who could redefine the news. In fact, I can only think of one such brilliant mind. Me. 

Beat it, Huey, I'm taking over here.

So I sat down, and started writing out just what and how I would do it. And this is the formula I came up with. For one of the few times in KT history, are you ready to NOT be offended? Here’s my vision.

Hello, all and welcome to Kevolution Unfiltered News Television. That’s right the KUN…. (Nope, No, No, Wait a minute. Nope. No. OK, so I’ll work on the title later) Here’s how a typical news cast would go.

Your Esteemed and Well Respected Journalist and Host- Kev O’Lucien. (Ok, so that’s not my actual name, but you would be surprised how many well established news journalists have stage names. Like, did you know Dan Rather’s real name is Oleg Kavorskiwich? Really, go look it up.)

Kev O’Lucien-Hello everyone and welcome to the 11 o’clock news. I am your host, the esteemed and well respected Kev O’Lucien. A pleasant evening to you. And right now, the big story is- (dramatic pause) PUPPIES!

KO-Would you like to help out other homeless dogs? And, OK, maybe a cat or 2? The shelter is full of them, and they would add so much to your life. So go open up your cold, black heart.

KO-Our next story, is about unhealthy people who got healthy. 

KO-Good job, guys! Very inspiring. Almost makes up for the shitty music. And lack of detail how they actually did it. I guess we'll roll part two tomorrow. And now, it’s time for the weather, take it away, Hot Weather Girl!

HWG (with attitude)-Um, I have a name, Kevin.

KO-I’m sure you do. But we really want to know is- what the weather is going to be like for the weekend? 

HWG (pulls out her phone to look at weather app) Well, Kevin, it’s the middle of July, so it’s what us meteorologists like to call ‘seasonal’. It might get really hot for a few days, then cool down. If you see clouds, there might be some rain. That’s what my Kevolution News weather app tells me. Get the app for free now on Android, you iPhone users can shove it up your pretentious ass. This getting all dressed up and giving you the forecast every damn night seems pointless when your lazy ass can look up the weather literally any time you want. And back to you, Kevin. (Pause.) And back to you, Kevin. (Another pause.) STOP LOOKING AT MY BOOBS, KEVIN!

One day to write this post, 8 days GIS 'hot weather girl.' These Spanish channels got it going on.

KO (calmly)-Thanks for the update, Hot Weather Girl. Now time for sports. To you, Sports Guy who doesn’t look like a jock at all.

SG (quickly looks at his phone)-Partial score tonight-Notre Dame 6. (Ok, that’s an old George Carlin bit. I’ve been listening a lot to his channel on SXM. Even though he has been gone for some time now, a lot of his material still holds up today.)

SG-Really, do you need more than the hometeam score? Look, it’s the summer, and the local baseball team sucks. But you know what? There’s a big ol’ world of sports that ain’t the “big four.” If you want that, then please go watch channel 6s sports cast. Here, we’re gonna go over NASCAR. And MMA. And lacrosse. You guys ever see this X Games stuff? That shit is gnarly! Hell, tomorrow is my in depth look at Lucha Underground. If you think soccer is boring, have you ever seen it played in the sand? Totally different! And all this-and even more!-can be found on the Kevoluton News app. Download for all your Android enabled devices.

KO-Thanks, Sports Guy. Hey, do you know the Weekend Sports Guy? That guy looks like he played football. Or at least lifts. The sports seems a bit more authentic coming from him than a pencil neck like you.

SG (tries to hide look of shame)

KO-Speaking of lifting, I hope you saw our earlier story on transformations. For more on how to get healthier, here’s Health Reporter Girl. I think she might have been a nurse at one time. Take it away, Health Reporter Girl.

GIS 'hot tv reporter girl' lead me to this internet celebrity. She's French and probably doesn't even report on heatlh, but hey, man, close enough. She is tres caliente.

HRG-Do you want to be healthier? Here’s a few tips you’ve probably heard a billion times by now, but have always ignored. This isn’t rocket science, people. Eat better. More fruits and veggies, less Skittles and Cheetos. Try a NutriBullet. Exercise. Maybe go to the pound from our first story and get a new best friend who will keep you active. Join a gym or any physical activity you find fun. Wallyball. Foxy boxing. Train for mud runs. And ladies, protein will not make you bulky. Join group work out classes. Thanks, and I’ll be back tomorrow to say the exact same thing till you get it through your thick skulls. Back to you, Kevin. (Pause.) Back to you, Kevin. (Pause.) STOP STARING AT MY BOOBS!    

           

KO-Speaking of boob jobs, here’s a list of some local job fairs. If you are unemployed or under employed, here are a few job fairs for different fields. Please note, none of these job fairs offer anything for blog writers because those dipshits never make any money. Here’s current affairs reporter –how many damn reporters do we need, anyway-with a report about current affairs. Over to you, Current Affairs Guy.

CAG-Look, we try to stay away from the negative stuff here, but since we care about you viewers, here’s few tips to survive the impending health care collapse. Get solid health care coverage for yourself and dependents. If you can’t, then may God have mercy on your soul. By the way, the soul is now actually a pre-existing condition. Fortunately, this isn’t a problem for all these dickhead politicians, because they have no soul to begin with. Back to you, Kevin.

KO-Great stuff there. Solid, really top notch. That vague and generic tip to “get solid healthcare” doesn’t even need further explanation. Word to my mother. If you don’t have anything to do but read idyllic blogs this weekend, here’s a list of free and low cost activities like museums, hikes, adult education classes, meet ups and bar crawls.

Now, let’s hear from a local visionary who has a truly brilliant idea.

KO Wow, that guy is sharp. Genius. Keep an eye on that kid. I like the cut of his jib.

SG (off mic but still heard in background) He probably doesn't even know what a jib is.

.

KO We'll have more Kevolution Theory News after you watch this and we do shots in the studio.

Cut to a few commercials, then a public service announcement.

The following is a public service announcement-PUT THE FUCKING PHONE DOWN AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE WORLD AROUND YOU.

KO-And we’re back, with one last look at weather, where I can’t imagine anything has drastically changed in the last 14 minutes.

HWG-No, tomorrow the sun will rise and set like I forecasted.

Clearly, most of my budget will be going to the hot weather girls.

KO-Sports Guy, anything from you?

SG-Yes, another late breaking score; the away team 17.

KO-Thanks for watching the news. 

The Not-So Great Hallmark Xmas Movie Challenge

I had been noticing a strange phenomenon on my cable recently, since before Halloween, actually. I mean aside from the fact Springsteen was right and there’s 257 channels and nothing on. How is that even possible? How can I have this many channels, and still not find anything good to watch? If it wasn’t for football, hockey, and a true handful of shows I like to watch, I would cut the damn cord. Anyway, apparently I have some channels that show nothing but Xmas movies. 24 hours a day, seven sad, sad days a week. What the effing eff? Is this why my cable bill is so high?

Why does Xmas get this much attention? Why not my beloved Halloween? There are a ton of cool, vintage horror movies out there, and more than enough since the slasher genre happened in the late 70s. Why can’t I have a couple channels of just horror movies for the month of October? They can take any of the 103 channels I never freaking watch. Is it too much to spend a few hours every fall with Vincent Price and Jigsaw?

"NO! Not the Heat Miser already!"

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything for myself. So what better way to bust out of a slump than to torture myself? That’s always funny, right. Right!?! Geez, the things I do for you guys. So, maybe it’s time I see for myself what one of these Hallmark/Lifetime Xmas movies is all about.

I will watch a Hallmark Xmas movie.

The good news is this is one less person to buy presents for.

You guys pick yourselves up from the floor yet? Yea, OK. Good

Now, I have done some cursory research-my favorite kind of half ass research, don’t cha know--and I think all these Lifetime/Hallmark movies have the same general plot. Cute, single chick meets handsome (I guess) dude with a secret why he doesn’t like Xmas. One of them might own a business. If it’s the girl, it’s a struggling business (like, duh, of course, she’s a girl!), and handsome dude’s company is threatening to put her out of business. Another hackneyed angle is the dude runs a business (usually a family business, often inherited) that is directly tied into Xmas; sells Xmas trees, a toy company, etc. His business is located in a small town where, of course, it’s the main source of employment for the town. And dude wants to shut it down because he has a penis and it’s evil. So he has to come to Christmasville or whatever, to shut it down. Said hot chick appears. She either lives in the town or works for his company. And, goddamn it, she’s just the one to save the town and admit her love for the dude 10 minutes before credits roll. Book it, done.

Often, the dude is so stone stupid, he can’t even see cute chick is falling for him. He might even-gasp!-start dating another trollop. I think there’s gotta be some shitty writing factory where they just hand out Mad Lib type outlines, and poor schmucks who can’t make any money writing their own blog have to fill out the blanks. Get a chick who used to be on One Tree Hill attached, and it’s green lit.

Naughty and nice.

OK, but I at least get to pick what dreck I am going to subject myself to. And if there’s anything that can make anything tolerable, it’s hot girls, so I get to pick. I have noticed that many of these movies star a certain tier of actor. Like not super-famous, but maybe was on a hit show a few years ago. In fact, more cursory research-my favorite kind of half ass research here-reveals there’s like a whole collection of actresses who apparently just do shitty Xmas movies now. Lacey Chabert

"Hey! Eyes up her...ah, never mind."

"My jacket conveniently hides my boner!"

does about three a year it looks like. Teri Polo, Danica McKeller, 

"I hear you like math. You + me= 15 seconds."

Candace Cameron Bure, Alicia Witt. I guess it’s smart money. Suffer through one movie, and it runs a billion times every year, and they probably get a nice royalty check.

These movies are my horror movies. After watching this, you broads better not ever bitch EVER when your guy wants to watch a horror movie. Actually, the two types of movies aren’t all that different. More often than not, a cute girl and her boobs is the main protagonist (look it up) in both horror and holiday movies. At times she will display poor judgment; i.e. run to the basement or fall for her boss. Holiday movies, though, are far more predictable. The factory will stay open, the town will be saved, Xmas will happen, the couple will fall in love. Every time. Why can’t someone make a dark Xmas movie? Maybe the factory closes, maybe the girl decides she doesn’t like the dude. Maybe that strange angel character was just a drug fueled illusion this whole time. That’s not how holiday movies work, apparently. But they should every once in a while.

And now I will subject myself to the sheer torture that has to be a Hallmark Xmas movie. There needs to be a word for dread; just a hundred times stronger. ‘Cause that’s what I’m feeling right about now. Wish me luck, and I hope to not be the shell of a person I expect to be afterwards. The movie review itself will be up on Black Friday; my gift to you.

You sadistic bastards.

I Hate You Mark Harmon

You know, Mark Harmon, I really used to like you. You always seemed to be the affable, laid back guy. Your first big impression on me was one of my favorite classic summer 80s film, Tuff Turf. Er, no wait a minute, my bad, wrong movie. No, your first big role to me was Summer School. What a great movie, and those of you old enough to remember it probably to this day wonder whatever happened to the lovable Chainsaw. Or the kid who never showed up to class. That was a great movie, and I am sure Mark counted himself lucky to be acting with a young Courtney Thorne-Smith and a pre elephantine Kirstie Alley. Even Saw cutie Shawnee Smith was in this flick. Day-um, stupid girls sure were hot back in the day.

He would continue through more TV and movie roles. He married –and apparently is still married to-Mindy from Mork & Mindy. He was voted People’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1986, the year People also suspiciously disqualified me, for some bullshit reason of ‘not being even remotely famous’. Fuckers. Anyway, Harmon all but disappeared from my consciousness, to be replaced by such happy things as orange creamsicles and Tetris.

Recently, Mark Harmon has reappeared in my life in a big and negative way. In fact, I now hate you Mark Harmon. I see entirely too much of you. Apparently, he’s been on this show called NCIS, which I believe stands for ‘now can I speak’. And this show, unbeknownst to me, has been on the air for quite a few years. I didn’t know this until the show started rerunning on USA. I know all of this because my wife is addicted to this goddamn show.

At first it was just on USA and whatever other channel it first airs on. Life was good, life was tolerable. But that has all changed over the last year. Now, NCIS is omnipresent in my house. We have 3 TVs in the house. At any given time, all of them are on channel 13 (aka USA, aka NCIS central). This pisses me off more than when they all used to be on the Food Channel. It’s not like she ever made me any of that stuff…

Since then, I have clearly been put in my place. I know between the hours of 5-7, I am second fiddle. I am third wheel. The house can be on fire, and upon telling her this fact, I will get scolded, “WAIT FOR A COMMERCIAL!” If this was only contained to scheduled intervals, I am laid back and accommodating enough to work around it. Hell, I’ll even give her the big TV-you know, the B&W one-to watch all the nefarious goings ons going on. But it has grown worse. It appears NCIS spreads quicker than the swine flu.

Now it seems NCIS is on 4 channels that I am aware of. Which I believe still pales in comparison to how many fucking channel show Scrubs. That was her previous crack TV. I think I’ve counted Scrubs on no less than 6 fucking channels. It’s now gotten to the point that I can watch Scrubs rather than NCIS. But Elliot is still fucking annoying.

Also, USA appears to be so devoid of alternate programming, test patterns and infomercials that it now runs NCIS marathons. So imagine my shock as all day yesterday-a Wednesday-USA went all NCIS. Surely somewhere, there must be unaired Billy Mays commercials. Fuck me.

I’ve arrived at the point where I am familiar with the characters and certain storylines. Me. But she can sit there and watch the whole damn thing all over again. Yesterday, I hit a new low. “We” were watching the show, and about 15 minutes in, I realized I fucking saw this show before. Yet, her gaze was the gaze of a traveler spotting water after a week in the desert. Ambrosia to the angels and such shit.

I don’t like the show, for a few reasons. Chief amongst them is she likes it so goddamn much. But there’s more to it than just that. (And I am ashamed I can go into this much detail of a show I don’t even watch.) First of all, Mark Harmon’s character is named Jethro. Right, Jethro. That’s his first name, too, not his last. It’s hard to buy an action hero as a ‘Jethro’. A Clampett? Sure, but not a federal agent. Unless he was the federal agent of moonshine. So Gibbs (Jethro’s last name, the name most people use to call him.) is one of those smarmy types that is always fucking right. What’s that? All the evidence points to the husband as the killer? No, because Gibbs is Gibbs, he has some sort of ESP that actually tells him the real killer is the neighbors’ gardeners’ cousins’ eighth grade teacher! Alas, how could we not have seen this? We all must bow to the knowingness of brother Gibbs. Gibbs always knows where the bad guy is hiding.

Gibbs is a maverick. Gibbs will only use your last name, even if it’s Gibbsisapedophile. OK, that was a funny episode. Gibbs thumbs his nose at his superiors, he disobeys orders, he ‘goes dark’. I believe he even has a pristine copy of that Erin Andrews video. Gibbs can anticipate the bad guys’ next move. Gibbs is a deadeye. Gibbs. Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs. Enough fucking already!

Sure, he is surrounded by less smart characters as well. There’s the suave guy, the nerd guy, the chick, the goth forensic chick, the weathered coroner. Every week, it’s a new struggle against evil. And my sanity. I don’t like the slickness of Gibbs. It gets quite tiresome to see the same general scenario week in and week out. Right, I can see all of you rolling your eyes-you know your webcam is on, right?-thinking, “Well what about your hero, Jack Bauer?”Jack Bauer is far more hardcore than fucking Gibbs. Take away seasons 5 & 6 (please) of 24, and 24 is the far better show.

But, boom there is NCIS on just about every damn channel we have. Look, we’re poor, we just have basic cable. And at the rate they’re taking away my channels, we’ll be lucky to have 20 left. And Mark Harmon will be on at least 5 of those. Maybe T snuck in some sort of NCIS channel unbeknownst to me. All I know is I have 20 channels-16 if you take away the Spanish speaking ones-and I am pretty sure I’ve seen NCIS on 4 of them. And one of the Spanish ones. Eh, Senor Gibbs?

I can see by the hour upon us, that soon, the NCIS channel will be on, and any actual conversation must take place between the commercials. Even if it’s a rerun. Even if it’s a rerun I’ve seen, I’d best not spoil the ending. Sure, you can argue the same thing with me and The Simpsons. Yes, true, I’ve seen the majority of the shows, but not all of them. And since it’s only a half hour long, I get 2 episodes for the price of one measly NCIS. Plus, with all my drinking, my memory is spotty, so sometime it really is like watching a brand new episode. And it’s all about escapism for me; it makes me laugh, and my troubles vanish for a brief, fleeting amount of time.

Besides, if Gibbs ever got bonked on the head with a transmission, I would laugh my ass off. Hey, I am starting to hear a certain theme song right now….

So This Week I Am Pissing in Front of Elisha Cuthbert

My, my, my things are certainly picking up around the Theory offices. Last week I regaled you with tales of pissing in front of Mandy Moore. (Which is only like a post or 2 down, so feel free to read it and you won’t feel left out.) Well, there’s been a serious upgrade being made in terms of starlets I urinate in front of. This week, one of my favorites has magically appeared. Yes, 24 cutie and Girl Next Door Elisha Cuthbert. Rowwwrrrr!

While it’s not up to me to question how these things appear and disappear; I do not ask. I am only happy when it does. I now suspect it is the water company behind these new shenanigans. For example, last week I was mildly amused with pissing in front of Mandy Moore. It just wasn’t that big of a thrill. But now that Elisha has materialized, I find myself drinking approximately twice my body weight in ounces of water, just so I can relief myself in all of Elisha’s blonde cuteness. Not to even mention how many times I now flush the hopper.

Elisha first came to prominence in 24; a show we all know I am addicted to. On the show we (and by we, I mean horny guys everywhere) watched her play Jack Bauer’s daughter Kim. We watched her grow from ungrateful kid to barely serviceable CTU agent. Maybe it is just coincidence that the seasons the show blew donkey chunks were the years she was hardly on. This year was a home run, surely due in part to the return of Kim-even if we find out she is now in the MILF category (the character, not the person, thank God). So let’s just say I am very familiar with Cuthbert.

There’s a lot to like about her. She’s not one of those trouble/party babes. And she dates hockey players! I play hockey! Sure, it’s street hockey, and I play poorly, but, hey, I can dream. (And yes, she was the “sloppy seconds” that Sean Avery referred to.) Every time when I’ve used the john the last few days, I have had this splendor to look at:

But, wait, there’s more! Turns out there is another Elisha cover on the back of the magazine. 2 Elisha’s for the price of one! O lucky day! I actually prefer the back cover shot. With her sly smile, hand playfully poised behind her head. Take a gander for yo’ self:

It’s almost like she’s saying, “O, Kevin! You’re back again? I missed you so much. I really like spending time with you here. This bathroom gets so lonely for a girl like me.” Ever since she graced the top of the bowl, I have all but stopped whizzing outside. Almost, some habits are hard to break, eh? I don’t know how long Elisha will be gracing my commode. I know sooner or later, she will probably disappear; they always seem to just disappear. (She will probably disappear real quick if someone read s this Klog.) I can only appreciate here time in my bathroom.

If you will excuse me, I have drunk 5 glasses of water in the time it took me to write this up, and I must go pee like a madman.

Still, a part of me wonders, who will be next?

The Price May Be Right, But The Prizes Are Shitty

OK, so there I am-again-at the repair shop-again-getting my car fixed-again-for something to do with the coolant-again. In a very Rainman like fashion, I solve the 3 water-game puzzles they have. I don’t feel like reading any magazines-who dafuck reads these days, anyway? So I decide to watch the TV. And the Price Is Right is one. I haven’t seen this show in years. And it looks like they haven’t changed a thing. It still looks like the set of a bad 70’s space porno. As opposed to all the good 70s space porno.

Drew Carey is now the host, and I’ve always been a fan of his. I thought his show was really fucking funny and innovative, and still watch it to this day when I can find it. Drew’s always had that vibe of someone you can share a few beers with and laugh all night. Which is the same exact way you all feel about me, I’m sure. But of course, you’d be buying. Anywhoo, Drew is good on the show. He still uses that long narrow microphone that Bob Barker used for his 80+ year run on the show. Other than that, seemingly nothing has changed on the show. Regardless, if this was all I had to say, this would be a boring and unfunny Klog. I hope you would expect more, and I hope the following Klog brilliance suits the ‘more’ part.

Apparently, PIR still attracts a cult like following. I saw all kinds of motards with all kinds of gaudy homemade PIR/Drew shirt. Like there was a sale at the art store on cheap ass t-shirt graphics. There were groups of people dressed alike; almost like some sort of team. I guess this is how nerds play sports. When people are called, you’d think is was God personally granting their eternal salvation. It is now, with a much more wizened eye, I realized something about the show
.
Gdamn, the prizes sure are shitty.

You all know how to play. 4 people are plucked from the crowd to bid on a prize. This round has what I would indeed call shitty prizes. For example, today I saw one of the prizes for this round was a drum set. A drum set? WTF? What the hell kind of prize is that for 2009? What, the hifi set wasn’t available? I think I am a pretty good judge of people, and I am willing to guess those 4 contestants were thinking “What the hell am I supposed to do with a drum set? I don’t even play.” And where the hell would you out the damn thing anyway?

Before we go any further, I should point out that there are a few character types when it comes to the contestants making the guesses for this round. There is one type that tries to play strategy. You can tell these types because they constantly ask questions like “What was the last bid?” and “What is the highest/lowest bid?” These people must not be fun to party with. The second type is the type to guess with bizarre numbers. Whereas most bids end in round numbers (1500, 2450, 799, etc), this clod will guess something like 1258, 423 and 2056. This type must surely drive their coworkers and families insane with their rampant OCD. The last type that I saw was the ones who always guess $1. Doesn’t matter what the prize is, that’s all they guess. Every damn time. I think they do this because they are lazy, stupid, or just don’t want the lame fucking prize.

Now we proceed to the second round. Here, the contestant has another game to play. The contestant is shown the prize, and the resulting game always has something to do with guessing the price. You would be astounded at how many of the same variations they have on the same fucking game. The prizes on this round are hit and miss. Sometimes I think it’s just the producers busting on the contestants. All I’m saying is maybe some forethought is in order. For example, a mid age woman most likely has little need for 2 fucking dirtbikes. (Sure, there are some cases where they can give them to kids, etc, but on the whole I’m talking about.)The woman today who had the opportunity to claim these fantastic prizes couldn’t have been that thrilled. If I’m in her shoes 1) I’m feeling my boobs and 2) I’m thinking what a pain in the ass it’s gonna be to sell these things. It’s bad enough I will have to pay taxes on it. (You do know that if you ever win anything on TV, you have to pay taxes on it, right?) It would be a serious dilemma if I even wanted to win the damn things or not.

This round of the show also encourages audience participation. There is always a part when the contestant cluelessly looks to the crowd for help and guidance. All you see is a mass of faces and fingers; all saying different things. I mean, these are people who have nothing better to do in the middle of the day than to sit in a game show audience. What can be more pathetic? Writing about people who sit ….uh…never mind. Next paragraph please.

Another prize was a washer and dryer, a buffet server and a water-ski set. All in all, necessary prizes, but stuff most people generally have, or have little need for. What good is a water-ski set if you don’t have access to a damn boat? Again, pessimist I am, I would be thinking “Fuck, I just got a washer and dryer not too long ago, what the hell am I gonna do now? Where am I gonna store this shit? Where will I move my drum set to make space? Does anyone need my old ones?” In fact, if it was me, and I had just won the washer & dryer, I would immediately give out my email address and say, “If anyone wants to buy my old washer and dryer, shoot me an email.” The game for this prize was to guess which object was mispriced. I incorrectly guessed the buffet server. Turns out the ‘legit’ price of the buffet server (a small metal holder that warms food) was really $750. $750 for a fucking buffet server? Shit, you know how many good buffets you can eat for that kind of scratch?

Not all the prizes here are bad. I did see a big screen TV and cabinet, a wine bar (because wine drinkers watch the Price Is Right) and the requisite “……A NEW CAR!” Not once did I see my favorite game-Plinko. I can watch that for hours.

The models aren’t all that hot, either. (Yes, I know, like I am one to judge) They look OK and all, but they give off the air that they are vapid and high maintenance. Give me real, human looking girls that look like a blast to drink with and might give up 5th base, and I will watch. Also, make ‘em wear stripper boots. Man, Hollywood, you listening? Free advice here.

I remember back in the day on Wheel of Fortune, you had to spend the money you won. After you solved the puzzle, the ‘showroom’ would emerge. The showroom was a revolving stage of overpriced shit. What a buzzkill that you win a nice amount of money, now you HAVE to spend it at the Wheel of Fortune Store. And everything was fugly and overpriced. O, the look of pain on the contestants face as they has to shell out $800 for a hideous ceramic dog. I can still hear contestants saying things like “Well, OK, Pat, for $3000 I will take the tin ashtray.” I believe once you got you money down to a certain amount, you got the rest in cash. But I am sure it was like $200 or less.

That’s all I got to say. It’s 5 o’clock somewhere.

How I Only Lasted 1 Day at My New Job

Originally written 8/7/7

I only lasted one day on the new job, because that’s how long it was supposed to last. One day.

Long story short, we have a friend who is going to be the location manager for the show Cold Case when it shoots in town in a few weeks. You know that show? The one with the blonde who had her hair up for the first 2 seasons, then let it down, thereby guaranteeing at least 2 more seasons? Yea, that one. The series takes place in Philly, even though it’s shot in LA. So they’re coming to town in a few weeks to actually shoot at a few Philly landmarks. And she was nice enough to give us (me and Tara) a gig handing out letters to the area that go over parking, street closures and shoot times. All we have to do is go to 2 different locations, and hand the letters out to homes and businesses that might be affected. So today was the day to do that. And of course it’s the hottest frigging day of the summer in the city. We don’t get hazard pay, though. No, we tough it out in almost 100 degrees and high humidity. Goddamn TV, almost as unglamorous as music…

Sounds easy, right? Well except for the skin melting temperature, it is damn easy. I thought for sure we’d get some rolled eyes as they saw two people come in with a handful of paper, like we’re solicitors. Honestly, though, that didn’t happen. We hit all kinds of businesses; library, college, hotels, offices, etc. No problems at all. Fuck, man, this is cake. Ha, F you WEA. I have to say this was The Job I was looking for. Working less-albeit in 110 degree weather-and paid quite handsomely.

We ran into a couple of Cold Case fans, who asked us if they can be in the show. In fact, that was probably the most common question we got, “can I be in the show?” In some cases, I just blatantly lied. I told them I was in the show, and we were looking for some one who looked exactly like them.

About half way through our gig, I realized I was making a fundamental flaw in my spiel. You have to hit ‘em quick and say something so they just don’t think you’re some solicitor. So mine went some thing like “Hey, this is just a shooting notice that they’ll be shooting TV in this area on such and such a date. If you have any questions, all the contact info is on this sheet.” We came up to a mental health hospital. We did rock, paper, scissors to see who would go in, for fear of being committed right on the spot. I lost as always, so I went in. There are 2 guards behind the desk, and right behind them is another guard at a desk behind glass. Certainly, they must mean business. I go up to the 2 guards and say, ‘Hey, this is a shooting schedule. They’ll be…” and one looks up at me and says “Shooting schedule?” I realize now saying ‘shooting schedule’ to a guard at a loony bin is not the smartest thing to say. I quickly recover. Just something good to know in case I do this in the future.

We come across a Dunkin Donuts that I go into. It’s clear that everyone behind the counter isn’t American. They probably don’t even speak English as a 5th language, let alone a 2nd language. I pick one, and give her my spiel. It’s like talking to a brick wall. A foreign brick wall. There is no recognition in her eyes that she understands what the hell I am saying. I have to guess that the only language they speak there is Dunkin Donuts. I am sure if I ordered a breakfast sandwich and some yuppie-like coffee, they would understand.

Along the way, I do get a sense of how lucky I am. There’s the occasional homeless. I see guys doing construction and roadwork. It’s like 120 degrees, and here are these guys, doing really important work; work that will probably be around long after they’re gone. They’re real guys. A namby-pamby like me wouldn’t last 1 day in that job.


So we wrap up our 3 hour work day, and head back out of the city (cripes, that sounds like Ivory Castle Disease). We’re driving along, when all of a sudden, we get tapped from behind. Yes, Jersey driver, no, not a woman. It wasn’t serious or painful, but definitely a jolt we weren’t expecting. We look back to see who hit us, and the car jets out to the right lane and speeds away. We’re not very far back, so it’s easy to get his plate. Now, the car decided to fall back to us at a light. He rolls down his window and asks us if there’s a problem because he saw us writing down his plate. “Yes, you hit us.” I did?” I didn’t think fast enough to say, “Wait, you didn’t see yourself hitting the car, but you saw me writing down your plate?” But that’s what I would have said, damn it. No damage, no harm, pay the karma forward.

I suppose it’s ironic that on a day I get a gig is the same day that Warner announces their 3rd quarter numbers. AP has it like this:
LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Warner Music Group Corp., one of the world's largest recording companies, said Tuesday its fiscal third-quarter loss widened as more people bought digital music, rather than CDs.The loss for the quarter ended in June was $17 million, or 12 cents per share, versus a prior-year loss of $14 million, or 10 cents per share. Excluding nonrecurring items related to a corporate restructuring and settlement, the loss in the 2007 quarter was $29 million, or 20 cents per share.

Hmm, certainly not good news. I don’t want to sound like I’m gloating here, because I really do think they have some sharp minds there, and some talented people. They do have some very talented artists, and some that will just sell a ton of records, which doesn’t hurt these days. The key number that is missing from above is just how much money they coughed up when they axed 400 peons that bloody May day. If I understand the above correctly, the loss of 29 mill does not factor in the packages everyone got. So if those numbers are factored in, the loss is wider, right?

Another key passage from the same AP article:
Warner Music Group said digital revenue increased to $119 million, or 15 percent of total revenue, in the quarter, up 29 percent from $92 million in the prior-year quarter and up 7 percent sequentially from $111 million in the second quarter of fiscal 2007.Recorded music revenue fell 4 percent, while music publishing revenue rose 5 percent.
OK, so the Golden Goose that is digital increased to 119 mill, but still only accounted for 15%? So, 85% still comes from physical CDs? Sure, a big number of that 85 is Target, Walmart, Circuit City and Best Buy. But what about FYE? Borders? Indies? Hey, I’m not saying digital is not the coming age, but laying off 400 who deal with stores, in favor of 15% of sales seems a bit screwy to me. Digital does have its clear advantages, for sure. You only send iTunes the master once, and you’re done with it. No returns, no shipping, far less overhead than with physical. And I get that a staff of few can do a lot in digital because of the above. Maybe it’s me, but 400 seems a bit hasty. Especially when big time country artists (Hill, McGraw, etc) sell the majority of their copies at Walmarts, Targets, etc. Who’s gonna go to check there? (And this will be discussed in the People Management Industry Rant). Another number to pay attention here to is physical falling another 4%. Clearly, the decline continues. Also, EMI just released their quarterly numbers, and they’re just as bad off.

And one more near-Rant. With the cutting of 400 at the peon level, the Ivory Castle is now dangerously top heavy. They’ve almost gutted their field base. If you need to make swift efficient cuts, all the fat is now at the top. Surely, EB is getting monster heat from the share holders on another loss. Again, I’m no whiz here, so please call me out on this if I am wrong. Wouldn’t it have made more sense to go after some of the Big Names responsible for getting us in this mess in the first place (AKA those who collect big checks to do apparently very little, when if they had some true skill, could be making WMG vibrant again) in May instead of the field? Sure, all those Big Names have huge golden parachutes-I can’t wait to see how outrageous they are when they are revealed-but at least you would have started purging them off the books now, instead of the easy way out of cutting low salary music lovers. Maybe if they did that, they stock wouldn’t have bottomed out today at its all time low of 9.89. The 52 week high-and I’m willing to bet it was pretty much 51 weeks ago-was 27.24. OOOOPPSS. To be fair, the stock has gone up in after market to 10.24, so maybe they’re not totally retarded.

OK, so what was I talking about? Right. I worked today.