My 2020 Rebel Resolutions

1) Get these out actually before the New Year hits.

New Year's Resolutions are pretty much bullshit. I'm not the first one to point it out and won't be the last. Yet, you sheep continue to make them like it makes a damn of difference. People, somewhere there is a talking frog somehow drinking a cup of tea and looking down on your foibles.

It got me to thinking; what if I made totally achievable resolutions? Well, that's kinda easy. So that got me even more thinking (my head now has an ouchie, you unappreciative bastards, so y'all better appreciate this post), what if I was just totally a rebel? I mean, I AM a rebel and all (think, like the good Star Wars rebels, not like the racist ones) so what if I went the other way with these BS resolutions? What if I defied all logic, what would that look like? It took me a couple days, but I came up with the Resolutions we all need for the Roaring 20s. Follow along and- uh, wait, actually don't follow along. You guys just stick with your usual resolutions. In fact, just stop reading this now. (Not a problem for a lot of people when it comes to this blog, trust me.) Leave me along with my resolutions, sheeple.

Drink more.  Fine, I mean, if I have to. Almost all of you lamos picked this one for your sissy resolutions. Ha, not me suckers! I now feel like it's my civil duty. What with all this extra alcohol just lying around, collecting dust like positive reviews for Cats, the economy will crash. Not on this patriot's watch. If there's anything I've learned from the Modelo commercials, it's that beer brings this great country together. Alcohol is my friend, my wingman. No one has ever said, "I just had a Sprite with Kev, and you know what? He is quite the charmer. Very funny, too. I'll have to read his blog sometime. And you know what? He's kinda hot." Besides, what's better after a night of having a few drinks than waking up feeling like shit? Personally, I enjoy spending most of the morning trying to fashion a Gatorade drip, brushing my teeth 10 times and feeling like it's a workout to just sit up. Throw in some shitty pizza and fries for dinner, and that is living. All worth it for a few measly White Claws, amirite?

A billion internet points and a Taco Bell hot sauce pack if you get this reference.

Spend less time with Theory Pup 2. Really, he can go fuck himself. He lies around on the couches all day, something TP 1 never got to do, BTW. You know what it's like to fight the dog hungover (me, not him. Not yet, anyway.) for couch space? And all the time I waste giving him belly rubs? You know he eats, multiple times a day, for free?? What is this bullshit? Just because of his unconditional love? All the times he cheers me up when I am blue? The times he drags me out of the house on beautiful (and not so beautiful) days for walks. The times he redeems all my shitty days? The daily laughs? Why, just last night, I was lying on the couch. This son of a bitch jumps right on me, his body between my legs, his knucklehead on my chest. He looks at me with all the love in the world in his eyes. He gently falls asleep, punctuated with gentle puppy snores. This is the most serenity and peace I can find this side of the ocean. And what do I have to do for this? Pick up all his dooks in the yard. Once a month. Honestly, there is so much there, I swear he has his friends come over to leave a steamer. Pfft, yea, fuuucck him.

Spend more time on Facebook. Yes, in the past I championed a movement hash tagged (by me) as #FacebookFree48. The essence of this enlightening practice is spending 2 days -usually Saturday and Sunday, but you can choose-off all of your social media. In return, you almost get 2 whole days back to keep all your bullshit resolutions. You get more time to spend with friends/family, live in the moment, meditate, read, write, walk the dog, blah blah blah. Sounds transcendent, right? You know what happened. Everyone said, "Great idea, Kev!" then right fucking ignored it. Instead, they dispensed with the life right in front of them, and just stared right into their little escape boxes. They even ignored my much simpler idea of not checking you socials first thing in the morning. And you know who this "they" is I am referring to? YOU. Yes, all of YOU reading this right now. YOU.

Fine, you guys win. I am now firmly resolving to checking my social media no less than 75 times an hour. And yes, I have alarms set to remind me. I'm hardcore when I resolve things, damn it. I have decided I constantly need to evaluate my life based on the actions of others, many of who/whom I barely know and will most likely never even physically see in this life. Or the next! How come you guys never told me how much fun this is? I now wholeheartedly enjoy comparing my Saturday night lying on the couch to what your Saturday night is. And, oh man, the fun of waking up on a Wednesday morning and seeing what you did the night before is an awesome way to start out the day! And, oh, all the places you "check in" to or even just the things you are merely interested in? Color me fascinated. I have particularly come to enjoy the vauge-postings. You know, the ones where you post something vague/cryptic/picture, and just leave it hanging there for your other shithead friends to raise a fuss about? I just can't imagine how redeemed and valued that must make you feel. You are a true hero.

Not to leave out all the people who post the same thing every time. Or cry victim about a situation you can change on your own and with no fanfare! Not all heroes wear capes! Which brings me to....

I know, I know, the R word. But this is to prove the point.

Argue more politics on FB. Quick show of hands here, friends; how many of your political stances have been changed by what you've seen on FB? (Everyone's hands goes up.) Exactly, I totes knew that! To clarify, all of you who post pro a certain political President sway me every time! Hold on, now all you who post anti a certain political President, well, dang it, you just swayed me your way! This is tough. Can y'all just keep hammering home your political beliefs? I will always read them. Better yet, can you enter arguments? Because the nations' opinion always changes when you slam a politician on a page that loves them. Which also brings me to..



Continue My 2020 Presidential Campaign Because I know more about politics about most politicians, really. Much more. By a bigly amount. And let's face it, I am the Preside- no scratch that-the Savior this country needs. Many more blogs to come, the best blogs, really. In the history of blogs. Full of ideas, perfect ideas. The best ideas, everyone knows that. #VoteForKev2020 #YWA

Read less. Again, this is because you guys are being jerks about this one. Almost every resolution I've read has said "read more." Therefore, there will be less to read. Why fight it? You eggheads, go ahead, and hog all the books. I assume y'all know where the library is? And that you even have a valid library card? Or know what a library is? It's fine. Honestly, I still have magazines from 20freaking18 I still haven't finished. How can I appreciate what all the Hot Summer Gear for 2020 is, when I didn't even know what the Hot Summer Gear for 2018 was?! I've also been procrastinating about reading a book I was given months ago- Eat That Frog-about ways to stop procrastinating. I don't have time, damn it! What I really need is a book about how to find the time to read another book about procrastinating. Can one of my fellow writer friends make that happen? So, If I'm reading less, that gives me more time for (and, GD, my segues are strong for not writing lately)...

Writing less. Phew, what a relief this will be. I mean, last year, I only wrote 8 blogs, with my last one being in August. Shit, I need to slow down my pace already! Here's the thing with writing, at least for me. Believe it or not, these dumb posts actually take a lot of time. It's not just writing, but rewriting, editing, "word surgery," tightening things up, fact checking, hyper-linking, more jokes, pictures, captions, SEO tricks (SEO stand for Shit Everyone Overlooks-at least when I try to do it) and generally a 'sleeping' on it period (that's what she said) to make sure it's good enough and worth your time. As you can hopefully see, these generally take a lot of time; from hours when I'm lucky and the words are just falling out (rare) to a week or longer (most common). And, while rewarding at least to me, it's starting to take up a lot of time. A lot of time I can be doing other things. Like all of my rebel resolutions.

And, for me, here's how the experience goes. I feel super fortunate that, say, 20 people 'like' or tell me they enjoy my post. Yet, it only gets 7 hits. While there is value for me to what I consider my art, if the payoff is so damn small, is that still a justifiable return on my investment? Would I personally have more fun getting hammered and beating people up in WWE 2K20 or pouring my black heart and blacker soul into a hilarious piece of art that 11 people read and the one odd hit from Tajikistan? (Where I am huge, BTW.) What's the point in trying if you can't give up? I think Homer Simpson said that, and every great artist felt that way about their art. I've always said history will appreciate me far more after I am gone, which is such an easy way to die. Speaking of dying....

Workout less. I am so damn tired. I don't know how many crunches I have done. Or how much weight I have benched. And for what? To be "in shape?" To "be healthy?" To "live longer?" Honestly, I have pushed myself to do some dangerous things in the gym, it's a minor miracle I haven't hurt myself more. All for what? To "look good?" I have come to the realization that, for me, all this lifting of weight and sharing of sweat has been a big waste. I'll never look thew way I'd want to look, so why bother? Are you not familiar with a great Homer Simpson quote along these lines? At least the one good thing I have going for me is I am not handsome. Maybe, on some level, this has been a fuel for me to go to the gym 4-5 days a week. Thankfully, I have now come to realize that because nature has set the bar so low for me, the best I could aspire to be is a butterface. And I could be so much more? Er, wait, do I want to be some much less? Damn it, I don't even know anymore. But at least I do know, that with working out less comes...

Already ahead of ya, Kev.

Eating more. Not just because of the above, but because, again, it's a common resolution to eat less. Ergo, there will be more food available. And while I hope all this extra food magically finds its way to the most hungry, I think it's fair to say there should be a bit more available to me. So I should be available to eat it. Pretty sure that is the circle of life. I've tried to be a clean eater for years. Using the NutriBullet, trying to eat more plant based stuff, denying myself. Now I robustly say, "No more!" Why have I been denying myself eating tasty chicken wings at the expense of food that should theoretically extend my life for an even longer period of not eating tasty chicken wings? What's the bloody point here? Does Taco Bell have a frequent eater card? 'Cause I'm gonna need one.

Not learn how to play guitar. No, fuck that.

Not learn how to play the violin and the harp. What's the value of learning to play any instrument? OK, so maybe it's better for your brain. And maybe it's a skill you can hone that makes others happy and might get you a few bucks. We all know music is the most vastly underappreciated form of art out there. Music has helped me in my most darkest times, so I owe it to the art to not desecrate it by trying to play. Anything. I have 2 guitars I still have no idea how to play. Let's up the ante here. I would like to not learn how to play two far more difficult instruments. Sorry, symphonic metal bands, you will have to do without me. Good luck getting laid, though.

Meditate less. Er, wait, is "meditating" code for pooping? I doubt that, so Imma just gonna go ahead and somehow do less of something I don't do anyway. What does enlightenment get me anyway? Why do I want to feel better, stress less, feel healthier and live in the moment? Why do I get the feeling folks think meditating is trying to have zero thoughts in your head? Because I see plenty of empty headed idiots all around me. Or is meditating supposed to be you alone with your thoughts? Or quieting your inner voice? Dude, that is exactly why I drink. Why do you think I made that 'drink more' resolution? For my health? Sheesh, pay attention.

Hmmm....might need to rethink this one.

Travel less. You know what travelers love more than traveling? Talking about traveling. And if they do CrossFit while traveling, y'all best run for the hills because they will blather on for days. Have you ever been out in the world? It's a scary, dirty place. Full of strange looking people that talk funny and spread germs. Maybe that's just a generalization, I really don't wanna know. I don't see the benefit of going to all these strange places. Just because they have things there we don't have here? Newsflash, there's a small tower in the center of my small town, so go suck a big one, Paris. I have no less than 3 different pizza places nearby that are all on a first name basis with me. Why would I need to travel to Italy for more Italian cuisine? You will have to do better than a leaning tower and a sinking city; we got plenty of them here, Giuseppe. I see no need to go to different places strictly for just the experience; let alone different culture, people, traditions, music, geography, food, drink, hot exotic women, architecture, experiences, art and on and on and on. I've been to the Jersey shore; many times. I'm good.

Write less lists. OK, I'll have to work on this one.

Start smoking. Oh, how my clear lungs used to laugh and laugh at all you smokers, huddled 40 feet away from the doorway of a building. I mean, it's 2020, you know smoking gives you cancer and deteriorates your body, like, well, cancer. I was really going to skip this one, but than I saw this whole vaping thing the adolescent kids are doing, and now I'm all like, "Sign me up!" I have the extra money now that I've cancelled my gym membership. Can't wait to look older, lose my teeth, have yellow fingers and develop all these symptoms I see on the drug commercials. If it's good enough for Keith Richards, than, damn it, it's good 'nough for me.

Watch more TV. This one is near and dear to me. I am often in awe when I talk to friends that are married, have jobs, a house, kids, etc. And they seem to have copious amounts of time to binge TV. This also dovetails nicely with my 'work out less' and 'eat more' resolutions. Look at me! Look at me as I sit on my couch and watch all these shows y'all rave about. It's surely not because a lot of this streaming medium is new, so if we spend a few shekels on it, we feel compelled to rave about it in a vain attempt to feel superior? It's not because the Mandalorian is the galaxy's worst babysitter? No, not at all. Now weeknights, weekends, legal holidays, you will find me on my couch, light coating of Dorito dust, streaming all these shows. Also, I know this decree bounds me to further blab how great this show on Netflix/Hulu/Amazon/Disney is on social media. This is the way.


2020, you've been put on blast. You are my bitch. If I make it....um, when, WHEN I make it to NYE 2020, I will be bloated, drunk, ignorant, lonely, probably the President, tense, wheezing but up to date on TV. Don't be haters. I have given you all the tools so you can end up like I will. Maybe we can have a party together. As long as I don't have to travel too far to get there.

I hope you have enjoyed this post. I don't have to write another one for months now. It will probably be some weak sauce attempt about something lame, like trying to sleep with one of these gravity blankets or some bullshit. See you then.

Resolutions I Am Planning To Break in 2017

(OK, OK so it's already January 2nd, and I am just now getting to a resolutions post? Well, sometimes that's how the cookie crumbles. And if's it's anything like the multitude of Xmas cookies I have been housing, this post will be delicious! Honestly, this was mostly written and in the can a few days before NYE. But I didn't think it was good enough. And then NYE happened, and, well, we all know how that goes. Now that I have fully slept off my hangover, I slapped a fresh coat of paint on, and we're ready to go.)

The obligatory New Years’ 2017 resolutions post. Did you guys even notice I had TWO posts for your Xmas reading pleasure? What better way to get you into the spirit than by hearing some original Xmas tunes and some cool covers? And how many presents did it get me? ZILCH. I think for Xmas next year, I’m going to ask for grateful readers, you heartless goblins. Now a week later, we’re all looking down the barrel of 2017. Everyone’s busy making New Years’ resolutions. In fact, as of this writing, if you Google ‘best 2017 resolutions’, you will only have about 181,000,000 articles that match up. Well, I guess make that 181,000,001. Pour the coffee.

Here’s the thing. I don’t believe in New Years resolutions. I tried to make some last year (and it’s a good thing I reread this, as I was unconsciously using some of the same jokes.) And I’ve pointed out the uselessness of making NY resolutions all together. But yet, like sheep, we continue this inane practice. “Next year, I’m gonna be perfect, GD it!” As my personal friends know, I’m as close to perfect as one can get. But there’s all kinds of news stories and articles and blog posts about making resolutions. We never seem to learn. The resolutions generally never seem to change, and we generally find new ways to tell ourselves we suck. Yay traditions!

I’m sure as this year winds down and celebrities are desperately hiding from the Reaper for the next few days, most of you are busily scribbling down resolutions for yourselves. So I guess to feel at one with the humanoids, I will also try to come up with some of mine. The thought here being that my resolutions are probably far better and more creative than your stupid efforts to “finally run a 5K” or “bring reusable bags to the Piggly Wiggly."

Here are my best resolutions for 2017. And since my main source of income these days is to rescue recyclables from the trash and trade them in for money on scratch off tickets, I am also handicapping the likelihood of my resolutions actually working out on a scale of 1 to 10. If you don’t understand that, then you are also probably reading fake news sites.

Be More Timely With Posts. I know, I know, it's already January 2nd. I'll get better. For example, I am already halfway through my President's Day post.

Chance 7/10

Actually Get A Dollar for Writing This year I thought I had a real gig that would pay me real money. Like, maybe even enough to afford one imported beer at non Happy Hour prices. Newsflash; writers get paid shit, even less so to write on line. I’m going to try to learn about this whole SEO thing, and how to get eyeballs on my own blog, and attempt to write a bit more snarky current event things. I truly do enjoy writing, but the return on investment can suck balls.

Here’s what writing is like. Spend a few hours (and usually more writing, rewriting, editing, adding and captioning pics) when I could be doing other things. Post it, link to it from FB and Twitter, maybe get 40 reads. Barely a comment, barely a like. Yet I will run into people IRL who tell me how much they enjoy my stuff. Why do people throw encouragement around like it a manhole cover?

Yet some dipshit posts yet another lame car selfie, and it gets 80 likes in half a minute. Yup, that nonsense really inspires me. 

"I'mma just gonna take one quick selfie because my hair looks fresh going 60 MPH."

Chance of making even one dollar writing in 2017 1/10

Finally Shred Down to 6 pack abs

Chance 0/10 Next!

Down Six Packs

Chance 149/10

Achieve Enlightenment

Chance 0/10. Put the pipe down, Kev.

Manage to Hurt Myself Less 2016 was a great year for bleeding and bulging discs.

Chance 8/10

Read More Books Since losing my last job, I have had more time to get back to reading. And I’ve been really enjoying it. I find (if the book is good enough) reading can help level me out on a particularly stressful day. It can also serve to inspire me to write. I find myself picking apart the book, trying to figure out the inspiration for a story, or how the author set something up. Also, I heard reading books makes you more smarter.

Chance 7/10

Listen to My Inner Voice

Inner voice” You know what, Kev, you’re pretty awesome as you are.”

Me “You know what? You’re right! Let’s go get pizza.”

Inner voice “Yay pizza!’

Chance 6/10

Realize There's More Than One Voice In My Head Who just said that!?

Chance 8/10

Put the Damn Phone Down I’ll be the first to admit, I’ve been living on my phone too much. Lately, I’ve gotten better at keeping the phone far away, and just trying to be present in the moment; playing with the dog, reading, writing, watching TV. Man, it really pisses me off whenever I watch a hockey game and I see the fans sitting front row, right behind the glass, right behind the team. And they’re all staring at their phones. Life is what happens when you are not staring at your phone, people.

Chance 7/10

Millennials being millennials. 

Avoid Becoming a Celebrity After 2016, really, who dafuq wants to be famous? A list actors, talented musicians, z list reality stars, no one was safe. So unless Drunk Kev gets spotted in a video that goes viral, I’m feeling pretty good about not getting famous in 2017.

Chance 10/10

Only Acknowledge 2017 as 20Kevinteen Admit, that’s kinda catchy, right? Don’t be jealous your name can’t do that, let me have my moment. Or more specifically, my year.

Chance 3/10

Volunteer More I’m talking about doing something nice for the sake of it. I would like to believe that at least Karma exists, that if you put good out, good comes back to you. And even if it doesn’t come back to you, do good anyway. (And no, I’m not gonna get all hippy trippy on you. What you do with your Chakras and chupacabras is up to you.) Volunteering is ridiculously easy to do. Get your head out of your ass, you selfish son of a bitch. There are plenty of people (and animals) who need you.

Chance 7/10

In the time it would take you to walk this dog, I could totally ruin Sarah McLachlan's day.

I'm sure there's more. But I am pretty hellatight. So if I had to say, I would say these are my resolutions for 2017. Feel free to swipe a few for yourself. The world needs more people like me anyway.

Dear 2017

Dear 2017,

Hey man, we need to talk. I know you’re not quite here yet, but there’s a few things you need to be aware of. 2016 was kind of a cruel bitch. Much pain, unrest, death, and general assholery. In one respect, even if you don’t change a damn thing, you will be remembered far more fondly than 2016 ever will. Conversely, you open up right with the Inauguration and-regardless of political affiliation-this event alone will cause you much consternation. So yea, you kinda can’t slack off. Don’t worry, I’m here to help. And I, like, know things and stuff.

I have hope for 2017.

Now to be fair, 2016 gave us some highlights. Sports gave Cleveland-Cleveland!­ a championship. The Cubs ended their 200 year drought and won the World Series. John Scott showed true class during the NHL All Star weekend. Also, Jimmie Johnson and his brand of vanilla racing won his 7^th NASCAR Championship, thereby tying most championships with the legends Richard Petty and Dale Earnhardt. Rumor was smoke and a violent spinning sound was heard from Earnhardt’s grave.

On a personal level, 2016 was pretty much shitball sandwiches for good ol’ Kev after August. But hey, pain and suffering make for better writing, right? Right!? Sure, I won a fantasy football league, as well as the NHL pool. Big money! I also got some great travel in and rewarding music experiences.

So, 2017, in case you aren’t too aware, 2016 was pretty cruel with the celebrity killing and what not. Particularly with musicians, and ‘16’s work ethic has it pretty much working right till the end of the year. What I’m saying is that maybe you might want to even the scales a little bit? I’ve put together a little list-just suggestions, really-of maybe some people you might want to send to the great beyond. In no particular order:

Bill Cosby

Pharma Bro

Kony (Seriously, like how did 2012 let that slip by?)

Roman Polanski

2 Pac

That douche bag ex-boss who fired me when I was hurt

Pierre McGuire

Justin Bieber

Please leave Keith Richards and Ric Flair alone, because someone has to bury all our great-great-great-great-great grandkids. WOOOOOOOO!

Somebody's gotta take Betty White to Space Mountain in 2067. WWWOOOOO!

Additionally, kill off all the smokers. How are people still smoking in your year, 2017? It seems to me I am seeing more smokers these days. How is that even possible? Additionally, all smokers are litterbugs. On that alone, they need to be purged. You can also dispatch with the vapers if you see fit.

Early indications also lead us to believe the weather will be worse. But I like the warm weather, so let’s just keep it moderate, eh? We’re all cool with more flip flop weather and especially a longer bikini season.

Look, I'll be honest here. I feel like a pig for using pictures like these but they drive up traffic and it's just good business, damn it.

If you would prefer to be known as 20Kevinteen, I’m cool with that, too.

2016 was rocking with the Super Moons. It felt like every other moon was super. Don’t know how that shakes out for you, but people seemed to enjoy that sort of thing. So maybe some meteor showers, shooting stars or UFOs or something? And maybe you should be the year that we see definitive video proof of the existence of ghosts. You have roughly 97 ghost hunting shows on basic cable, so your choice. Just not Ghost Adventures, that show is horribly entertaining as it is. Go figure, it’s apparently 40 year old dudes keeping Hot Topic in business.

"Ummm......no."

Politics-fuh-you’re kinda fucked there. It’s going to be tumultuous Presidency that starts right off the bat. A lot of people are very nervous about ‘what happens now.’ Please guide us with patience, foresight, calm, understanding, common sense, peace and somehow follow up those awesome Joe Biden memes. That might be your only hope.

"Oh shit! 2016 is looking!"

Music-we will need great music. Please favor us with righteous tunes from our favorite artists. Please introduce us to people who will be our next favorite artists. Please destroy all Clear Channel towers. How can you run a weak ass slogan like “I Heart Radio” where all the music sounds as pleasant as dinosaur abortions? Get rid of Auto Tune and please replace with talent and ability.

Maybe, on just a personal note, have the Avalanche win The Cup? I’m pretty sure that will truly bring Peace on Earth. Just sayin’. At least keep finding creative ways to fuck with Philadelphia fans. That shit never gets old, and Philly fans are the worst. Please continue to bless Bills fans however, as their drunken shenanigans are the highlight of my Sunday mornings before 1. No one cares what you do with baseball or basketball, so have at it

.

I see July 4^th is a Tuesday with you. Can you maybe switch that out to a Friday or Saturday? Maybe swipe a February 29^th from 2020 or something? Sluttier costumes for Halloween (also a Tuesday BTW) would make everyone happy as well.

I have no idea what's going on here, and I probably never will.

I'm not sure I am exxpressing my point enough

True story; it took me 2 hours to write this and 5 days to do the pictures.

Have Kevolution Theory turn into my full time job. Or have peace on Earth. You can only choose one, and both have about the exact same chance of actually happening.

Here’s an easy one for you. Have all shelter animals find their forever homes. In exchange, please render oil, cable, bank, airline, health insurance CEOs homeless. Fair trade. Also, I would like access to their organs, because we will all need donors.

Have “vineyards” pronounced as it should be; “vine” and “yards.” Not “vinyards.” That just makes it sound snooty. I think it was just a bunch of rich silver spoon assholes wanting to sound all haughty. How come the song isn’t “Heard It Through the Grapevin?” Because it’s pronounced “vine” with the “e” at the end. Also, “vase” is pronounced “vaze” not “vaz” and don’t even get me started on “refurbished.”

So you see, 2017, this is not a complete list, but certainly a good place to start. It’s almost like this is such a good bit, it might pop up from time to time as you journey on. I am sure you will give me a lot to write about.

My Totally Attainable 2016 New Year's Resolutions

I am not a big believer in New Year’s Resolutions. I really don’t think there’s a damn of difference if you make a ‘resolution’ on January 1 or March 7 or July 29. In fact, I am pretty sure there’s enough research out there that NYRs are easier to break. But in the spirit of “getting my shit together,” I have decided to make a few. And at the end of the year, we’ll come back and revisit just how I did. Boom, two posts already for 2016! Now, I don’t know how to add to perfection, but if I had to make just a few guesses, here’s what I’d do. (Please note, the number following the resolution is the probability of making the resolution happen on a scale of one to ten, with 10 being 100% definitely happening to 1 being no chance in hell.)

Write more (10)

I should just stop here.

Read more. Starting with that stack of magazines over there. From 2015. (8)

Get 7 Day Abs!  Big arms! Broad back! My #1 best money move right now! (5. Actually these are the cover blurbs of the Men’s Fitness November issue.)

Spend more time with dogs. (9)

Get a tattoo that has a deep and personal meaning. Then refuse to tell anyone exactly just what that meaning is. (1)

Be more positive; just not in the Charlie Sheen way. (7)

Buy more (preferably physical) music. Yea, I said it, buy it not steal it. I want to support the artists who mean something to me. All these shit heads that steal music, then wonder why they’re stuck listening to something called “I heart radio.” Seriously, what the hell is that? What guy over the age of 20 feels confident saying, “I listen to I heart radio.” Sometimes I force myself to listen to the Top Ten and then openly weep about how bad it is. People actually think it’s music. It’s all soulless, mass produced, auto tuned, temporary horse shit. (9)

Develop better time management skills. There are apparently grown people who are married and have children, and still have time to binge watch TV.

Now THIS is time management.

And I’m over here turning my underwear inside out because I don’t have time to do the wash. (6 ½)

Less time on social media, more time on actually being social. (6)

Learn how to properly fold a fitted sheet. (1)

Drink less. Looking at you, green tea, with all your free radicals and healthy anti-oxidants. Hit the road! (6)

2016 is the year I finally get abs. Or learn PhotoShop. One or the other. (2)

"Every day is ab day, brah."

Better plan for the future. With that in mind, Happy 2017 everybody!! (6)

Travel more, blab about it less. (7)

Finally buy into the hype of coconut oil, and use it for the following: tooth paste, mouth wash, shampoo, soap, motor oil, ear wax remover, dish detergent, screen cleaner, sunscreen, contact lens conditioner, deodorant, tobacco, topical pain reliever, aspirin, turn signal fluid, bear repellent (working so far!) toilet bowl cleaner, shaving cream, fertilizer, caulk, paint remover, adhesive, hallucinogen, fat burner and car wax. (4)

Watch less TV. (5)

Finally use a selfie stick. (0.0)

Train my bladder to not wake me up twice a night (at least) to pee. (2)

Commit to “Adventure Saturday.” At least once a week, go somewhere we’ve never gone (restaurant, non nerdy museum, “that place we always wanted to check out”) or do something we’ve never done. (7)

Not kill someone during my seemingly daily fits of road rage. (8 ½ to 1, depending on mood)

Learn at least one chord on guitar that is not actually the cord I use to plug it in. (4)

Finally see the new Star Wars before it gets spoiled for me. (5)

Lumberjack beard! (5)

Find a picture of myself where I’m actually confident to use the hash tag “SexyBeast.” (2)

No lie. This actually came up in a GIS for sexy beast. You're welcome, ladies.

Stretch more. (7)

Finally feel comfortable enough to read Playboy just for the articles now. In public. (6)

Vote. (10)

Only have 98 problems, but the bitch still ain’t one. (8)

Continue to be everybody’s funniest friend on Facebook. (17)

Watch less news. I know, this might make me ignorant and all, but I have found the world to be a much better place when I’m not constantly barraged with all it’s bad news. (9)

I left the caption in so anyone under 40 can kinda get the reference.

Take more pictures with my real camera. (8)

New Years Resolutions

Originally written 12/26/7

Yes, while the more astute (look it up) among you might be thinking “geez, Kevolution Theory sure is writing a lot about holidays. It’s almost like he’s having writers’ block, and for inspiration, he looks to the calendar for inspiration. Man, sure can’t wait for his Arbor Day post.” this is not that kind of post. Instead, think of it more along the lines of expose (the article, not the girl band from the late 80s early 90s) or even friendly advice. Yes, I like to look out for my readership, in one day of hopes of breaking the elusive 15 friends barrier. This is the time of year most look to better themselves. They look to make these things called ‘resolutions’, whereby if they follow these self imposed new rules or practices, they will thereby achieve personal nirvana. Common resolution run along the lines of losing weight, reading more, spending more time with family, being more patient, getting less drunk, being nicer, etc. I think you get the point.

Here’s the truth about New Years’ resolutions; more times than not they are a crock, and you set yourself up for failure. Let’s break it down a bit.

Scientific studies (and by that I mean based on my own general opinion) show that you are more likely to break a NYR than a resolution you make at any other time. Think about it. Is there any real difference between making a resolution on Jan 1 or Feb 23? May 16? Aug 24? No. Many suckers fall for the ‘new year, new me’ routine. This is flawed, as I will later discuss. Sure, it’s slightly harder to calculate your progress on a resolution if you start at a date such as April 6 than Jan 1. But chances are you will be much more clear headed on April 6 than Jan 1. In fact, I can make the argument that resolutions that are made Jan 1 are easier to break because you don’t give yourself a clear enough shot to start them.

First of all, by deciding you will do a few NYR, you set yourself up for failure the rest of this year. You will develop the mentality of “you know I’ll just eat a few more cannoli’s and a few more bottles of Jack because next year I will work this all off.” You give yourself a week to splurge on your weaknesses, because you think you will suddenly be the ideal person come Jan 1. I think I know my readership well enough to paint the picture of our typical experience when we wake up on Jan 1. We are on someone’s floor. The floor seems to be spinning and hitting potholes. The dog-good god, I hope that’s the dog-is licking off leftover wing sauce from my face. The blanket I thought I crawled under is really the throw rug. What I thought was the pillow is really shaving cream and silly string. What I thought was the toilet last night was actually the answering machine. What I thought was vomit on my shirt is, well, it actually is vomit. Hmm, where’s the dog now? Is this any shape to start your New Years’ Resolution?

Clearly, no, it is not. Unless your NYR is to be a bump on the log and watch TV till 7 AM the next day. Certainly, this is no way to start the road to a better you. But all is not lost. What would Kevolution Theory be if I didn’t offer you at least a few solutions to helping you achieve your goals?

Wanna lose some weight? Hang out with fatter friends. Or at least fatten up your current ones. Wanna drink less? Hang out with people who drink more. Hell, they might even get drunk and buy you drinks. Wanna read more? Than stop by this here page. Wanna get a new job? Well, I can’t help ya out there, sport.

So in conclusion, do not make any NYR till at least Jan 3, if you must. Other than that, remember you are better off, and it’s easier, to just start something new on Jan 3. Or do what I do. Don’t make any at all. It’s easy to keep, and you feel better when you do.