26 Reasons Why You Would Vote For Me If I Was In The Debate

 The last few months, when I get recognized in public, it's always been the same two questions:

1) Sir, can you please stop urinating? The children can see you.

2) WTF ever happened to you running for President? We need you. This country needs you.

Both fair questions. So, dear readers, allow me to fill you in on my whereabouts the last few months. Like all of you, once the pandemic set in, I quarantined myself, used old socks as TP when I had to, became well versed in home brewing -prison wine-, gained 15 pounds and generally fell into the comfort of keeping my lazy ass home. Yet, I was heartbroken, as I continued to see our fair country continue to splinter apart. Instead of seeing this pandemic as a shining moment, we were left without leadership, with conflicting information, information that was slow in getting out, politics, division, fear, ignorance, brutality. At a time we all needed to be together, we were not; we were divided. It shattered me. Finally, about week or 7 or 8 (honestly, who's counting anymore), I raised myself off my couch/bed/video game chair, took myself to the bathroom, wiped off the Cheeto dust from my lumberjack beard and took a long, hard look in the mirror. Clearly, this country needed me. It's not like these dipshits here have ever voted a clueless putz with no previous experience into the highest office in the land. I found my resolve. I looked into that mirror, and in a low, Batman like tone, uttered, "FFuuuucckkkkkk this."

Like, seriously, even I don't know that I can #unfuck all this. Thsi seems like too much unfun work now. Conspiracy theories, bad cops, reporters jerking off, COVID numbers spiking back up, gathering crowds, social injustice, ignoring science. We're a shit show folks, a true shit show. And I don't know that I can fix this with PlayStation 5 about to come out.

Actually, it turns out you have to be on ballots, and get through primaries and other riff raff to actually be involved in these Presidential Debates. To be honest, the debates are kinda overblown. Your candidate of choice will always win in your eyes. The candidate not of your choosing will lose. We all have FB, we see it. They say these debates are for the "undecided." As I said in 2016, who dafuq can be undecided between these two? There are pretty clear differences. It's like comparing apple skin to orange skin. And these "undecided" dolts are the dullards most likely to decide this election. With that in mind, I am pretty sure these yahoos are my demographic. And while I won't be in the debate tonight, If I was, I have clear cut ideas that would sway me all the votes I need to become 46. So before y'all watch the debates, then post your propaganda on your socials, hear me out. Read the below. Then, instead of posting links to main stream media tonight, please link this brilliant political essay on all your socials so we can turn this around.

How I would win the debate:

1) If my donors raise enough campaign funds, I will audibly fart on stage.

2) I believe in science. I used to watch MythBusters all the time. In an unrelated note, there is a cabinet position waiting for you, Kari Byron. (Really, Kev, you’re still making Kari Byron jokes in 2020? Yes. Yes I am.)

And the answer is still.....no.

3) I never grabbed a woman by the pussy, nor smelled her hair in an unsolicited fashion.

4) Debates; two minute clock visible to candidates, audience, at home viewers. If at the end of the 2 minutes, you’re still talking, you get slimed. Keep going after that? Feathers. Still yapping? Honey. Then bees.  Thumb tacks. This can go on all night, folks. Mentos. Diet Coke.

5) I paid more than $750 in taxes last year. (And that’s just in sin tax.) 

6) I believe in climate change. I mean, it seems pretty basic to me, the more disgusting humans we populate the planet with, the more of a strain we put on Mother Earth. I don't even have kids (y'all welcome, BTW) but even I'm trying to leave it a better place. Stop being twats about this.

7) I will pick a suitable VP. TBD. And they will be working nights, weekends and holidays because that’s when I get my bad swerve on.

9) Speaking of, anyone know anyone who could be a good VP?

10) I don’t golf. Occasionally, a round of mini golf, but not these days.

11) I don’t Tweet.

12) I mean, really, if there’s one thing you can fairly say, I have better hair than either candidate. And I spend far less on it. True story, in September, I got my haircut for the first time in over two years. BECAUSE I AM A GODDAMNED PATRIOT!

"Need some trim, Kev?"
(Yes, this is a half naked dude. It's called courting the chick vote.")

 13) I'll have entrance music (by a band that approves me) and some pyrotechnics if appropriate.

14) I wouldn’t hire anybody from my family, because they’re all idiots.

15) I have no problem wearing a mask, not only will it protect myself, my loved ones and fellow Americans, it actually makes me look more attractive!

16) I won’t make up random numbers and vague statistics. Even though 87% of the populace agrees with me, and I have the support of many, many generals. Bigly generals.

17) I will hire an independent fact checking company to fact check both myself and the lose…uh…candidate, and publish those results real-time on my website.

18) I have the odd ability to actually answer the questions asked of me.

19) I wouldn't compete against Thursday Night Football. Even if it's a garbage NFC East matchup.

20) I, too, have no idea what Qanon is. I pretty much stopped watching the news when the pandemic hit. Are they some sort of WWE faction or something?

"Dang it, Cleetus! What did I tell ya? Take a look at that feller there. He's running them there pizza parlors with the young boys and all the Democrats. And the aliens; both intergalactic and dem dere illegals."

21) My town halls; 2 drink minimum for everyone. I will also have the debate drinking game displayed between myself and my opponent so we can also play along.

22) Invited members in my gallery; Kari Byron (grooming her for a cabinet position), Steve Austin (who gave the President a Stone Cold Stunner), Borat, Snoop Dogg (I don't think he says no to anything), Lisa Lampinelli  and my dog. Because, Americans, I can promise you the first thing I do when elected is put a dog back in the White House.

First Dawg Good Boy

23) BTW, is it still cool to call it the White House these days, or do we need to get woke to that, too?

24) I will announce the official "Sexy Kevolution Theory Presidential Costume." Comprised of flip flops, board shorts and a ratty concert t (feel free to add your own rum stains. RUM stains.), Proceeds will go to various women's benefits.

25) I won't use my persuasive powers for evil. To prove that, I will politely point out there is no #8 on this list. 

26) I'll insist the co-moderator will be Sister Mary Joseph, who taught me in 6th grade. So if myself or my opponent get out of line, she will wrap us about the knuckles with a wooden ruler.

I look forward to your vote!

#VoteForKev2020

#YWA

"This Might Be the Quarantine Talking But..."

So, this whole pandemic thing has us isolated. Is there anything worse than being alone with your thoughts? Prolly not. Here's a bunch of random thoughts that have been taking up space in my head.




I can now confidently rock white tube socks.

No one has said they miss baseball. NO ONE.

I'll allow this.

(The most work I've done for this post is researching for the above picture)

All these knudnicks running around that want everything open yesterday are subliminally screaming "My home life sucks." We know, but we ain't responsible for your poor choices, bro. (And they're all guys)

All the people whining they won't wear masks...are exactly the people who need to be wearing masks.

I've lost track of all days, and I can't blame my burgeoning alcoholism.

Still on my same stick of deodorant from early March.

Ditto travel size bottle of shampoo I stole form a Hotel 6.

In unrelated news, dreads take a lot longer to grow than I originally was lead to believe.

A lil' sumthin' for the ladies

April was last month, apparently

I still can't find a girl who can pull off the "girl looks hot in face mask" look.

Flobies are now more than Jordans on eBay

My rum consumption has gone up. Also, I don't have the 'rona. Coincidence?

OK, I really am wondering what would Jimmy Buffett do

18,000 new cases of Corona reported this day

Isn't it time for a reboot of 2 Girls 1 Cup?

I really like the new drive in bar at the bottom of the parking lot of the shopping center where I order my rum

There's this old dude at my home gym that can no longer pull off all the UnderArmour he wears. Don't get me started on his tube socks.

Screw it; for the rest of the summer, the Kevolution Theory archives is free for everyone.
"But, Kev, your blog has always been fr....."
I SAID FREE FOR EVERYONE

I can't tell you the last time I wore pants that had a button. Or belt. or a zipper. Or just pants...

The thing about losing track of hours and days is it's always cool to start drinking. Is that an 8AM sun or a 2PM sun. Who's to say? Bottoms up!

With all this talk of contactless delivery, I can't be the only one wondering WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY DOING TO OUR FOOD BEFORE ALL THIS?

Also, contactless is a new word because my SpellCheck flags it every time

You can have your hockey back, but Pierre McGuire does every game. Hhmmmmm...

So COVID porn is a real thing. I've watched some of it. A few twice!

I find on the days I don't use deodorant, the social distance thing isn't that big a thing. For everyone else.

Me, after I showered, used deodorant and washed my hair two days in a row.

I have contactless glasses.

Someone, somewhere, is designing a "sexy Coronavirus" costume.

How da fuck are Christmas movies supposed to make anyone feel better?

Your new avatar LOOKS NOTHING LIKE YOU! KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY!

I like Corona, but I wished they gave this a scarier name, like Coors Light or Lowerbrau. "Hey, did you hear about Steve? He caught the 'Brau."

I think we're all on the bus that we wear whatever when we're in our backyards. For example, I had on a coconut bra and a grass skirt today, and nobody batted an eye.

(Would the above joke be funnier if I said I was wearing white tube socks, too?)

People are using this time to learn an instrument, paint, draw, do magic. And all I have is this shitty post. Where's your art?

What if we decide we don't like the New Normal, say "fuck it" and just hang out in the house all day?

You're still staring at your phone too much.

A Brutal Evaluation: Why I Stopped Writing

In case you haven’t noticed. Wait a minute, let me start that over again. I KNOW you haven’t noticed. I haven’t written anything in a pretty long time. In fact, by this time last year, I had five laugh and pee inducing posts already up. This year, sadness and urine retention rates are way up.

“So, Kev, whaddup wit that?” 

"How can I write when ...I....don't.....have a computer?"

Honestly, it hasn’t been bothering me at all this year. So maybe the fact it WASN’T bothering me should be bothering me? I am so confused. When the words stopped flowing, I wasn’t worried. I’m not one to force a post to come out. Whenever it happens, it just kinda happens. I hope you guys know by now, I value the time you give to read this here lil’ blog, so I am not going to insult you with half baked, bullshit posts. I work pretty dang hard for you 12 regular readers.

Recently, at what I would describe as a “work function” that us elected officials have to attend, we did an ice breaker game to start. Everyone had to offer a fun fact about themselves. When it got to me, my “fun” fact was, “I hate this game because all of your interesting fun facts make my life look lame.”

If there’s two rules of writing (or public speaking) I can offer you, it would be these:

1) Try to make people laugh. Even if they don't, they will appreciate the effort

2) Give a little piece of yourself away

Lately, I haven’t been able to do that. (in dramatic voice) So no post for you!  I haven’t had many experiences worth “our time.”

And that’s kinda it, right? “Our time.” We can do so many things with it. Sure, we all have the commitment of jobs that owns most of our clock. Life is what happens when the hours are ours. (Say that three times fast.) The “free time.” The time we do things that we enjoy. The activities that excite, challenge, inspire, drive, encourage, refresh, renew us.

Man, does anyone have a good fart joke? Because this is where I need one. I am a little rusty.

However, I truly haven’t been doing nothing. Since we’re all honest here, I’ve kinda been doing work on myself.  Now, let’s not get carried away here. I am sure you already know this, but I will say it anyway:

I AM FUCKING AWESOME AS I AM

.

Yet, that still doesn’t mean I can’t get/be better. And, no, this isn’t some hippie, new age bullshit. Think of it more like focusing my efforts where I get the best result. Some days, with the free time I have, I think it will be best if I go to the gym. Or walk the dog. Or read. Or volunteering. I can get a lot back, fairly quickly. But writing…man…

Think of it like return on investment. Sure, I can get a lot of enjoyment out of writing what I think is a funny/witty/snarky/honest post. Then, I can bum myself out by the relative lack of hits, and zero responses. I can let myself get more pissed by further seeing a banal picture getting 200 likes and 300 ZOMG!!!! comments. And I’m working on the whole “let it go” thing. It doesn’t mean I stop writing; it just means do the best I can, then, literally, let it go. There’s so much out of my control. And I am fully aware of human nature NOT to respond positively to anything. Humans suck that way, and I am pretty sure DNA backs me up on this as well.

What takes you ten minutes to read (also another reason I don’t use long words) literally takes me HOURS of time. Time to write, rewrite and edit. Or, as I have seen it eloquently called, “word surgery.” Then find, add and caption the pictures. Do rudimentary SEO in the seemingly vain hope of reaching a broader audience. Then, let it go. If people, respond/react, that is just a bonus.

I believe anything we do with our leisure time is escapism, right? You’ve had a hard shift/day/week, etc, best to blow off some steam. Isn’t that the point? And that escapism can take many forms; some positive, and some destructive. I will point to a few of my real examples, because you don’t have a blog about yours.

Say I’ve had a long week. All my constituents have been all up in my grill, calling my office, emailing me about all kinds of nonsense. “Why can’t we make this a one-way street?” “The street light buzzes too loud.” “I think there’s a meth lab next door.” Ugh, these people are so needy! And they think I work nights and weekends, too. Ha! I’ve never seen what 3:01 looks like on the office clock.

I can release some steam/escape positively by, say, going to the gym. Just me and my music, lifting heavy things, trying to justify the $100 of new UnderArmour I just bought. (That only works out to a t-shirt and one left sock, BTW.) I can be positive and get the pup out for a long walk and try to see this world through his eyes. I can dust off my old PS3, pretend I am the Undertaker and brain people with steel chairs. I can write or read. Discover new music. All positive things.

Me on a Friday and or Saturday night

I can also be destructive. I can drown my day in booze. A lot of times, the lines blur for me. Take for example, writing this here post. As I type, it’s Thursday, and the sun is going down, and Friday morning seems a week away. “You know what would make this post even more funny?” the devil voice inside says. “Rum.” I know you readers probably think the same thing. I can drink and play racing games where I run the opposite direction and try to wreck everybody. I can pretend I’m the Undertaker and brain people with steel chairs.

I’ve been trying to make better choices for myself, because I can’t make better choices for you knuckleheads. Lately, the trend has been to spend less time writing, and more time destressing in other pursuits. As a result, I liken me writing less to prostitution; there’s no real victims here. There is even a theory along the lines the less you do a thing, the better you get at it. I guess I am testing to see if that’s total bullshit or not. It’s a risk I am willing to take for you, dear reader.

Forgoing writing has allowed me to take on another difficult burden; evaluating myself to see where I actually can be better. I am pretty sure a better Kev would equal a better writer for all of us. And oh yea, I am still totes serious about #VoteForKev2020, so I better get my shit together quick. Hmm, a better Kev and a better writer….sounds like……

A SEQUEL!

Coming soon; A Brutal Evaluation Part 2.

#VoteForKev2020 Campaign Slogans Post Kavanaugh

Look, being a politician is a slimy deal. Like, look at the Kavanaugh situation.. I really had nothing to do with it, but nonetheless, it provides me an opportunity to promote my campaign, and tell everyone I am the bomb. Wait, a minute, perhaps 'bomb' is a poor choice of words here. What I meant to say but you all misunderstood (see, I am getting good at this whole politician thing!) is I can use the forum this situation has provided to clearly state my stance on like such issues for US Americans. Like it or not, the game has changed, and it's up to me to capitalize on it. For America's sake, yo.

Kavanaugh disses Parkland father.

I'm pretty ugly, so no worries about any sexual misconduct.

God's preferred candidate. Yes, your God. And your God. And your God, too, Mohammed.

College girls; couldn't get them then, still can't get 'em now.

Most women can beat me up.

I'm OK admitting Sarah McLachaln is one of my favorite singers.

GD it, Sarah. I love dogs, too, and all...

#UNFUCK

Not a Republican. Not a Democrat. Not even a politician, really.

Never watched House of Cards, so no worries there.

Never went to his prom, and he's OK with it.

The only time I black out is when I drink by myself, so that's not a problem. You hear me? I don't HAVE A PROBLEM.

Plan to combat Judge Kavanaugh; nominate a decent judge. Like Judge Reinhold. Or the cool judge from Night Court. He even knew magic!

I find women soccer players far more tough than male soccer players.

13 will still be an unlucky number for me.

I really don't know of any girl that would readily admit she ever did anything with me. Let alone bump uglies.

Kavanaugh's 10 year old daughter won't pray for me.

All my years on the Jersey shore, and I NEVER, not ONCE, EVER wore a Female Body Inspector shirt.

I know nothing.

Pretty girls intimidate me.

I'm not going to work weekends, so no worries about me trying to slip one past you while you're not paying attention.

Not a liberal, not a conservative. Just a believer in common fucking sense.

OK, strike 'fuck' from the above slogan. Not as strong, but still delivers the point.

Has refused to admit anyone wearing the sexy Handmaid's Tale costume into his Halloween party.

Still deciding on the whole sexy Sesame Street costumes, though.

So....many.....questions...

KT; knows a lot smarter women and won't be afraid to have them in his cabinet. (Sidebar, KT will also come up with a more appropriate name than 'cabinet.')

"I love the smell of chlorophyll in the morning." 

Is prepared to launch a full investigation into the existence of a "size 0."

Pretty sure Craig is the asshole here, and Sheila did nothing wrong.

Some of KT's best friends are girls. In fact, they keep him in some sort of special zone even.

Watches GLOW. Doesn't get a boner. Most of the time, anyway.

Never found Bill Cosby funny.

Only goes to Hooters for the wings. Three times a week.

Do We Really Wanna Save This Place?

A friend of mine posted a short video on Facebook the other day. And since she doesn’t drone on about politics, take constant duck face selfies, generally isn’t into food porn, likes books and music, doesn’t have kids and likes dogs, I decided to watch. She went on to talk about how she was thinking of her buying habits, and how they impact the environment. Simple things like using the same plastic bag to buy fruit at the store or how tooth brushes are made of plastic. All valid points as she tried to figure out how to make this big blue marble more livable.

I can see my house from here.

It reminded me of another video I tried to watch, about a girl who generated so little trash in 4 (or 5, depending on where you see the video) freaking years, that she was able to carry it all around in a tiny glass jar. This hippie went on to talk about using the same containers when you go to Whole Foods (why am I not surprised she shops at Whole Foods?) Again, all very salient points, and very humbling as just one person struggles to make the world a greener place. Sure, the realist in me is crying clown shoes about someone generating so little trash in 4/5 years, then carrying it all around in a jar. The last time I was carrying my trash around was when I took my ex to Chili’s. BURN! Now, while this girl is apparently doing all the good she can, I can’t imagine she’s much fun at parties. She probably just drones on and on and constantly holds up that damn jar like in Lion King. And isn’t this how we should be evaluating people these days; screw all the good they do, can you have a few beers and hang out with them? Recycling the beer bottles and cans, of course.

Regardless, it got me to look at my actions and they effects they have. And I have to say, after a thorough vetting, I’m pretty cool with Mother Earth. I recycle like a freak. If I ever have any water left in a glass, I pour it into a plant. I will sometimes watch the one TV with no cable box and surround sound, just because it uses less power. (Yea, first world problem, I know.) Yellow let it mellow. I bag my yard waste. I dispose of my electronics responsibly. I finish all the half full drinks at closing time. I don’t put the shower on max pressure, just to save a little. I donate old clothes and books. I’m even one of those freaks that actually unplugs his phone cord from the wall when the battery is full! Now, look, I’m not using this post to say, “Be more like me.” But, still, it’s something you all should aspire to.

I logged out of FB, and to make up for all the brain rot I get while reading FB, I thought I would try to educate myself, and check out a news site to see just what the rest of the world is doing. Here’s just some of the headlines I saw:

Mayor: Evacuate or notify next of kin

Slain Dallas’ man family says warrant is part of smear campaign against him

2 dead as huge typhoon slams Philippines

Bodycam shows traffic stop turn deadly

And it got me thinking; why are we working this hard to save this damn place?

Think about it. There is so much working against us. Look at all these devastating weather events. I’m not going to get too into politics here-there’s plenty of blame to go around-but it seems to me this country is more divided than ever. The brazen lack of common sense in the world. Turn on the news -any news-and it’s all gloom and doom. Murder, death, racism, corporate greed, scandal.  Within the last week, we’ve had a major storm do tremendous damage, and apparently also be “tremendously big and tremendously wet.” More #MeToo moments. Terrarium shuts down. The nearest Tilted Kilt just closed. This is craziness. So why do we wanna keep the lights on?

Possible First Lady Material

It bothers me that the rich seem to get richer, while I have to surreptitiously fill my hoodie with food at the Cici’s Buffet. I have no problem with people who have risked and worked hard for their money. I have a problem with all the assholes (That line BTW was going to be a tagline for this blog at one point.) and their conspicuous consumption. The CEOs who pull down millions for doing….well, no one seems to know. I don’t know what’s worse about society, that we have shows like Zillion Dollar Beachfront Property or whatever, or that we have poor schmucks that actually want to watch such drivel. Why do I want to waste my precious time watching horse shit like My Lottery Dream Home? Time’s too short, man. It’s like these buttheads who watch Food Network all day, and still don’t know who to boil water. What’s the point here?

What Ric Flair will look like in 50 years.

I don’t want to save this world for the assholes. I don’t want to save this world for, say, the flat earthers. Yes, there are actual people who think the world is flat, despite all this hurricane video shot from space. Er, wait a minute, the moon landing was all a hoax, too. Damn it, flat earthers, you got me there! Psyche, dipshits. But I am not recycling my empty rum bottles every Monday morning to keep the world flat. I’m not leaving turds floating in my toilet for two days for the benefit of chuckleheads who don’t believe in global warming. It’s bad enough the ghost hunters and bigfoot chasers will stick around. I don’t want to bear the responsibility for leaving the world to future generations of Kardashians. I cringe what the world will look like in 50 years to Keith Richards and Ric Flair.

And just who are we leaving this world to, the “youth?” Have you seen kids today? (And just so we’re clear here, I don’t have kids. The Theory name ends with me, and whatever dog I have at the time that outlives me. More on this shortly.) To be blunt, kids today are stone fucking stupid. We’re all doomed. They have it too easy. They are coddled, in the misguided effort to be PC, they don’t get the tools to cope in an adult society. Kids today live on their tablets and phones, and they are encouraged to from the earliest age. Don’t believe me? Next time you see a quiet kid in the super market or at the restaurant, it’s very likely because their face is all aglow from a phone or tablet. Next time you pass a school bus stop, see what all the kids are doing. Necks crooked at angles, mindlessly staring into their phones, farting around on SnapChat or chasing Pokemons or whatever the fuck. They’re gonna be the future senators. They’re gonna be the future doctors. They’re gonna be the future writers. See my point yet? Doomed, I tells ya. 

Never too early to get 'em started on Kevolution Theory!

And here’s the worst part, we’re our own mortal enemies. Sure, corporations, governments, money, pollution, light beer, greed all play a part, but too many people is the root of this. Maybe I should clarify; too many stupid people is the root of this problem. Which is really giving credence to a possible campaign platform for my 2020 Presidential Run. Hear me out, then donate wads of cash to my campaign fund.

There’re too many people on this planet. And maybe other planets, too, but I will worry about that later. It’s causing global warming, it’s increasing pollution, it’s increasing strain on our natural resources, it’s increasing my wait time at the bar. I really think it’s time we tax children. Think about all the other things we tax; cars, alcohol, property. These are all things you have to consciously work for. Any two dipshits can have a kid. 

You only need to watch an episode of Maury to reinforce that. If you are going to bring another human being into this world to compete for the dwindling resources, then I think a yearly tax is more than fair. The money raised goes to conservation and green causes. If you want to sire a child, but then don’t have the resources to properly nuture it…um, I meant to say him or her- I don’t see why that is now my problem. If you can’t afford the kid, it goes into a mandatory adoption program. There are so many couples who can’t have kids, this is a win-win. It’s either that, or we harvest their organs. The copay for my contacts is getting pretty redic. #VoteForKev2020

So, if the world is going to hell, why dafuq should I give a damn? I’m a fricking hero for not having kids. I’m saving generations of wear and tear on the planet. Honestly, I could burn Styrofoam, not recycle, leave all my lights on and devices plugged in, blast my AC, kill bees, use straws, and I would still be light years ahead of the green game. Why should I even bother now? Other than my usual reason of course, than being a flaming asshole? I can just see me Monday morning, slamming individual beer bottles into the recycle bin. Eyeballing my God fearing neighbors with kids, “Look at what I’m doing, Ken.” I’d be shattering glass like Stone Cold’s entrance theme. “I’m fucking saving the world here, for you. Austin 3:16.”

Where are the GD meek that are supposed to inherit the Earth? Can they even fix it? I don’t think so, or else they probably wouldn’t be so meek. Damn, we really are screwed here.

Leaving this place better than I found it is certainly a nice notion, but I don’t see that happening. If anything, I should be watching old Japanese movies to see how they summoned Godzilla and Mothra so we could get a reset. Speaking of, how many times has the news warned us of some fantastic new disease or some new age, drug resistant plague that will wipe us all out? Does it ever happen? NO! We can’t even successfully make ourselves extinct. The irony.

I don’t have an ending. I really don’t.

DVD Bonus Deleted Scene

(I felt this was a fair point, but just couldn't find the proper spot to place it.)

I cringe to think they are also the future musicians. When I do listen to current “music,” I weep because it is, well, absolute shit. And this is not ‘Old Man Theory’ getting all uppity in his white socks; it’s just fact. Rag on hair metal, Nu rock, First Wave, grunge, etc all you want. The fact off the matter is today’s music is cookie cutter; put together by a large group of people (does it really take 10 dudes to write a shitty song these days?) to arrange a cookie cutter track and find some talentless hack to warble through Auto Tune, and that passes for a hit. No kids, sorry, that’s not how it’s supposed to be. Real music, and literature and art is out there, still. You just have to work a little harder to find it. But it’s so worth it. The proof is this here blog; it’s the best damn blog on the Net, and few people read it.

#VoteForKev2020; Stances, Platforms and Ideas Volume 1

A thought occurred to me at my town’s recent 4^th of July parade. There I was, 6 deep into my 30 pack, when a local politician paraded by. “Shit! It’s, like 2018! There’s an election in 2 years! And I’m running! I better kill these last 24 and get to work!” 

"America! Fuck Yeah!"

I’m starting to put together some of my campaign platforms; the issues that are important to me, as well as you. High level strategizing for sure. These are some of the ideas and stances I am working on. This of course isn’t everything, but it gives the thinking voter an idea of what kind of President you can expect me to be.

All political offices will now have an ethics clause. I know, how come this isn’t already a thing, right? If we can hold our athletes and celebrities to some sort of standard, why can’t we enforce this for elected officials? Makes sense. If a politician is found in violation of such clause (after due process through Judge Judy. She squares shit away in 30 minutes.), the offender is immediately relieved of his (and let’s face it, it’s probably a dude, anyway) position. And fuck these assholes trying to hide their criminal records, everyone is going to be transparent. To further reinforce this ethics clause, I am thinking of having the opposing political party insert the candidate of their choosing. Kinda fleshing this one out a bit for shenanigans, but that’s a pretty good twist, right? Speaking of political office…

Did you know Congress has off the entire month of August? Did you know the House of Representatives averages 138 “legislative days?” Those workhorses over at the Senate average a mean 162 days a year? By way of reality check, let’s just say the average American works 48 five-day weeks. Quick math on my phone tells me that’s 240 days. So how do we expect to get anything done when the decision makers work almost 100 less days? And yes, to be fair, there is some play in those numbers, click the hyper to read more. They’re all going to work more.  I can’t do all the work around here. And in fact, I won’t be doing all the work around here.  I will be very open during my campaign and say I will be taking nights, weekends, holidays and one floating hangover holiday per month off. I think that’s fair, and I’ll occasionally check email and the White House GroupMes. Don’t worry, this is when my VP will be working. You guys will be in good hands if the shit hits the fan on the weekend. You’re welcome, America.

"Ha! You get my vote over my dead body, Kev."
"That's OK. I can wait."

Two-pronged attack on smokers. It boggles my mind that in the year 2018, people are still smoking. Have we not got all the facts that smoking kills? And yet it feels like I am seeing more people smoking these days. (Don’t even get me started on the nonsense that is vaping.) While I suppose we should all be rooting for cancer to thin the herd here, it’s not happening fast enough. And here is where smokers piss me off even more; they’re GD litterbugs. It seems every genius I see sucking a butt takes that one last, glorious drag, then angrily flicks the butt like it ran over their mother. E-fucking-nough here. It’s not bad enough you poison your lungs, but you poison mine, then poison the Earth? How much of a flaming dickbag can one be? I will do everything to increase the public knowledge of how deadly this habit can be. I will raise tobacco taxes, with the revenue going to increased trash pickup and recycling programs. You’re welcome, America.

Dogs in every house. In fact, I plan to enact tax breaks for people who have dogs. More so if they are rescues. Everyone knows dogs make life better, we don’t need the Kevolution Theory Bureau of BS Statistics to tell us that. To fund this tax break, I plan to ax children. No, wait, I meant to say tax children, my bad. I don’t know why anyone hasn’t thought of this before. Kids are like, kinda free. You pay taxes on every damn thing else, so pay a few bucks for your precious snowflake that will only use up more of precious Mother Earth’s already limited sources. I may be persuaded to give breaks on other pets, too, like cats and hamsters and stuff. But I won’t kid you, I will need to be lobbied on that. Speaking of….

"Face it, the only thing uglier than this bed is your skank boyfriend.. I did you a favor. Good thing you have a coupla extra bucks because of me."

All lobbying will be broadcast on CSPAN. I think I have like 3 damn CSPAN channels now. I know I should watch them, they seem to be broadcasting important things. But CSPAN channels are right after Tru TV. And I usually stop there because I just can’t get enough of those darn Impractical Jokers! Larry!

But seriously, if you’re some sort of PAC or lobbying interest. And you wanna get to me, you are welcome to. It’s just gonna be in front of everyone else, so we can all see your intentions. You should have nothing to hide, big oil, tobacco, NRA, telecom, right? You’re welcome, America.

June 40^th is happening. Prepare. #YoureWelcomeAmerica

Cut cancer funding “Kev, you heartless bastard! How could you?” Ok, so hold on, let me clarify this before this gets all fake news and click baity. Cancer’s been around for a million years now, and for the life of me, I don’t know what progress we’ve made, if any. Sure, there are arguments to be made that we should really be addressing prevention and causation as opposed to curing. My point here is conservative numbers proffered by the KT Bureau for BS Statistics notes that approximately 40 kajillion dollars and 42 cents has been raised/funded/donated to cancer research, and what has that got us? Really, I wanna know. So, here’s how this works-

If you’re researching cancer and receiving funds, I just want to see your progress. If you’ve blown through a serious amount of dough and have nothing to show, toss off, wanker, you’re shut down. Instead, those funds will go towards another research outfit, subject to the same evaluation. It’s kinda clear to me we need some new, young eyes on this. These current eggheads in the white coats seem to be doing jack. #YoureWelcomeAmerica

All baseball games end after 5 innings. People are busy and don’t have time for a full nine innings of this bullshit. Also, I will strip it of the bogus “America’s Favorite Pastime.” That moniker now goes to Facebook. #YWA.

Earn those handicap tags. For my real job, (I know; occasionally posting funny ass blogs don’t pay the bills) I travel a great deal. And statistics I have calculated own my own extensive experience reveal 98% of cars that have handicapped plates/tags don’t need them. I can’t tell you how many times (actually I can, it’s like 98% of the time, duh) I see a car with the tag or plate scoot right into the handicapped spot and a very able-bodied driver springs right out. How fucking offensive. If you are driving around with a handicapped plate/tag and don’t need it, you are truly the worst kind of scum on the earth. It’s for people like this I hope karma truly exists and allows me to beat them with a tire iron until until such tag is truly needed. When I’m President, this is an arrestable offense, and civil beatings of these douchebags will be tolerated. #YWA.

Pass

You must be licensed to wear a bikini or grape smuggler. This is for your own good, as well as ours. #YWA.

Pass.

Hard pass.

Hard fail.

I will immediately revoke Pierre McGuire’s visa so he can no longer ruin hockey games. #YWA, but sorry Canada, that’s your problem now. Oh wait, he was born in NJ? GD it, OK table this one, but I will figure it out. 

"Ha! Nice try, Kev. Not today."

Fund musicians. Really. Music is very important to life. And every day, I am truly inspired by how many musicians I see out there, giving us the soundtrack to our miserable lives. Providing the joy, hope, solace, strength, inspiration that pulls us through so much. Yet it’s harder and harder for the truly talented of them to eke out a living in this age of I “Heart” radio, MTV not actually playing any M anymore, low royalties from Apple, Google and streaming sites, less and less venues to play. True musicians need to be fostered and encouraged as they learn and get better. I still buy CDs whenever possible; I’ll download when necessary. I will go to their shows and buy their merch, as long as it’s cool. (It’s a bad feeling when there’s an artist I want to support, and they have shitty merch.) To provide for this, I will cut back on useless government spending from somewhere else. Like the Olympics. Big deal, you won a gold medal in archery or skeleton. Now go find a real job, slacker.

“But, Kev, I don’t really like music.”

“First of all, that’s President Kev to you and second GO FUCK OFF AND DIE YOU HEARTLESS MONSTER. I WILL EXILE YOUR UNFEELING ASS SOMEWHERE THEY ALREADY HAVE WALLS. WE DON’T NEED YOUR KIND HERE.” #YWA

Acceptable. You may pass.

Pass

Officially recognize “Coconut” Roman Coke as the truly innovative and visionary writer he was. I know only 3 people get this reference, but it’s THE GODDAMNED TRUTH. I would tell you to Google him, but he did such a good disappearing act, there is no web dirt on him. That is truly humanity’s lost. #YWA

Uhh...yea...pass

Take a wild guess...

Driving under the speed limit is points. More so if you’re in the left hand lane. #YWA

Pass

Of course, this is but a sample of all my ideas, stances and platforms. I think you can see my progressive thinking here. For sure there are more difficult issues to tackle like gun control, environmental issues, education, immigration, health insurance. But you guys know this is a humor blog, right? Only so many serious issues I can tackle without some ha-ha’s sprinkled in. Rest assured, I will be working on these for the next two years to earn your vote.

As always, you’re welcome, America.

#VoteForKev2020

#VoteForKev2020; Campaign Slogans

Look, I don’t get very political on my social media. Many of you do, and that’s fine. It seems most of my social media streams have been political, especially after this Trump press conference (Which I did not watch. But I saw enough headlines ferreted around all the articles, I’m pretty sure I got a firm grasp.) I can’t imagine you will ever get much political thought from me; and honestly, my ‘talent’ and style is everything to drag you away from the real world for a few paragraphs and hopefully a few laughs. Does anyone remember laughter? Seeing all the angst on the socials tonight was like a big ol’ Bat signal that we all needed to have a brief laugh amidst all this rancor.

No, not this kind of Rancor, the other angrier, non Star Wars kind of rancor.

A few months ago, at the end of one of my blogs you all read and thought hilarious but never freaking bothered to tell me, I floated the hash tag #VoteForKev2020. So, while I was showering tonight, I got a great idea for a quick and dirty blog that can lighten the mood of America for just a brief moment. And, yes, most of my great ideas come to me in the bathroom.

Anywhoo, if I do decide to formally launch a candidacy for President, I guess there would be some forms or something I’d have to fill out at the library or post office. But what good is filling out a form if I don’t at least have some catchy campaign slogans? That’s like more than half the battle, right? So here’s what I’ve come up with to sway all the yahoos in the swing states.

Someone who can unite both parties in their common disdain of me.

I can’t do any worse. Like, literally, I can’t do any worse.

I am pretty sure I can make a federal holiday each out of man crush Monday and woman crush Wednesday.

#WCW is also hump day. probably not a coincidence. 

I can’t golf.

Surrounded by people who will actually know what they’re doing.

They call him….The Unfucker.

Keeper of promises. A real promise keeper. But not like those creepy Promise Keepers. A promise keeper in a not creepy way.

Better hair for a better America.

He has a dog!

Identifies with the youth of America. Especially the college girls.

Patriots. Also, #WCW

A race fan, but not a racist.

Another reason to hate Jr.

He pretty much hates everyone equally.

Knows how to handle the North Korea problem because he saw The Interview. Twice.

Something, something, both sides, both sides.

Has no problem showing you his emails, though they are mostly about penis enlargement.

Will release his tax records. As well as his debut calypso record!

Easily the best man for the job. Especially if his opponent is another broad.

He was the President of the Queensryche fan club, so he’s pretty sure he can run America.

If you can find a better candidate, then you should probably vote for them, you Commie pinko bastard.

Promises to open up Area 51.

Has no skeletons in his closet, but a few beneath his parents’ basement.

Bravely instituting an idiot tax.

Once won an argument with a woman.

He’s the man for our times. Or at least the next 4 years.

Supports single moms, ifyaknowwhatImean.

You knew what I meant.

Never murdered anyone.

Protecting America from the Bobadook.

Alt music, not alt right/left.

A master debater.

I’m with him.

A drinker like the rest of us.

Go ahead and judge, but this is the demographic that will get me into the Oval Office.

His parents would vote for him.

Ignorance of international affairs = fresh eyes and new ideas.

The Cure for Idiocy.

You don’t learn if you don’t make mistakes. He’s hungry to learn.

Putting the rum in decorum.

Kevolution Theory; The News Channel

There I was, 11 at night. I had just finished watching the Impractical Jokers channel. What, you don’t have that channel? It used to be called Tru TV, but every time I click on by, it’s IJ. I’m not complaining though. But, GD, am I sick of the Law and Order channel. Talk about bumming yourself out.

Every time I turn on the local news, it’s the same damn thing. Shootings, police lights, political moves that make you scratch your head. The formula never changes. It’s not news, it’s bad news. Turn on any of the 24 hour “news” channels, and it’s ridiculous. I turn on one channel and the issue is A. B and C. I turn on another news channel, and the same issue is presented as strictly X, Y and Z. Throw in the bullshit links people seem to like on their social media, and it’s no wonder we don’t know what to think.

This needs to change. I think, quite honestly, there needs to be a Kevolution of how and what news is presented. It got me to thinking-how would I change the news? How would I do it so it is more appealing, not so doom and gloom?

"Am I needed here?"

Why do they have to be negative stories? Why does it have to be about people dying, or overdosing or being stupid? Why can’t it be good, positive, inspirational, encouraging news? I’m not talking about that bullshit, hippy dippy drivel that one friend always posts on FB like nature quotes and bullshit. What if the news was actually about good people doing good things for other people? What if the top story was about a good person doing a good deed? What if it was actually news you could use?

My dream co-anchor. Coincidentally, also wearing my dream apron. I never even knew I had a dream apron.

What if the news really gave you an alternative view? What if the news was respectable? What if it was actually good news? What if it was actually honest? This is a lot to ask of the media these days, and there’s not too many brilliant minds who could redefine the news. In fact, I can only think of one such brilliant mind. Me. 

Beat it, Huey, I'm taking over here.

So I sat down, and started writing out just what and how I would do it. And this is the formula I came up with. For one of the few times in KT history, are you ready to NOT be offended? Here’s my vision.

Hello, all and welcome to Kevolution Unfiltered News Television. That’s right the KUN…. (Nope, No, No, Wait a minute. Nope. No. OK, so I’ll work on the title later) Here’s how a typical news cast would go.

Your Esteemed and Well Respected Journalist and Host- Kev O’Lucien. (Ok, so that’s not my actual name, but you would be surprised how many well established news journalists have stage names. Like, did you know Dan Rather’s real name is Oleg Kavorskiwich? Really, go look it up.)

Kev O’Lucien-Hello everyone and welcome to the 11 o’clock news. I am your host, the esteemed and well respected Kev O’Lucien. A pleasant evening to you. And right now, the big story is- (dramatic pause) PUPPIES!

KO-Would you like to help out other homeless dogs? And, OK, maybe a cat or 2? The shelter is full of them, and they would add so much to your life. So go open up your cold, black heart.

KO-Our next story, is about unhealthy people who got healthy. 

KO-Good job, guys! Very inspiring. Almost makes up for the shitty music. And lack of detail how they actually did it. I guess we'll roll part two tomorrow. And now, it’s time for the weather, take it away, Hot Weather Girl!

HWG (with attitude)-Um, I have a name, Kevin.

KO-I’m sure you do. But we really want to know is- what the weather is going to be like for the weekend? 

HWG (pulls out her phone to look at weather app) Well, Kevin, it’s the middle of July, so it’s what us meteorologists like to call ‘seasonal’. It might get really hot for a few days, then cool down. If you see clouds, there might be some rain. That’s what my Kevolution News weather app tells me. Get the app for free now on Android, you iPhone users can shove it up your pretentious ass. This getting all dressed up and giving you the forecast every damn night seems pointless when your lazy ass can look up the weather literally any time you want. And back to you, Kevin. (Pause.) And back to you, Kevin. (Another pause.) STOP LOOKING AT MY BOOBS, KEVIN!

One day to write this post, 8 days GIS 'hot weather girl.' These Spanish channels got it going on.

KO (calmly)-Thanks for the update, Hot Weather Girl. Now time for sports. To you, Sports Guy who doesn’t look like a jock at all.

SG (quickly looks at his phone)-Partial score tonight-Notre Dame 6. (Ok, that’s an old George Carlin bit. I’ve been listening a lot to his channel on SXM. Even though he has been gone for some time now, a lot of his material still holds up today.)

SG-Really, do you need more than the hometeam score? Look, it’s the summer, and the local baseball team sucks. But you know what? There’s a big ol’ world of sports that ain’t the “big four.” If you want that, then please go watch channel 6s sports cast. Here, we’re gonna go over NASCAR. And MMA. And lacrosse. You guys ever see this X Games stuff? That shit is gnarly! Hell, tomorrow is my in depth look at Lucha Underground. If you think soccer is boring, have you ever seen it played in the sand? Totally different! And all this-and even more!-can be found on the Kevoluton News app. Download for all your Android enabled devices.

KO-Thanks, Sports Guy. Hey, do you know the Weekend Sports Guy? That guy looks like he played football. Or at least lifts. The sports seems a bit more authentic coming from him than a pencil neck like you.

SG (tries to hide look of shame)

KO-Speaking of lifting, I hope you saw our earlier story on transformations. For more on how to get healthier, here’s Health Reporter Girl. I think she might have been a nurse at one time. Take it away, Health Reporter Girl.

GIS 'hot tv reporter girl' lead me to this internet celebrity. She's French and probably doesn't even report on heatlh, but hey, man, close enough. She is tres caliente.

HRG-Do you want to be healthier? Here’s a few tips you’ve probably heard a billion times by now, but have always ignored. This isn’t rocket science, people. Eat better. More fruits and veggies, less Skittles and Cheetos. Try a NutriBullet. Exercise. Maybe go to the pound from our first story and get a new best friend who will keep you active. Join a gym or any physical activity you find fun. Wallyball. Foxy boxing. Train for mud runs. And ladies, protein will not make you bulky. Join group work out classes. Thanks, and I’ll be back tomorrow to say the exact same thing till you get it through your thick skulls. Back to you, Kevin. (Pause.) Back to you, Kevin. (Pause.) STOP STARING AT MY BOOBS!    

           

KO-Speaking of boob jobs, here’s a list of some local job fairs. If you are unemployed or under employed, here are a few job fairs for different fields. Please note, none of these job fairs offer anything for blog writers because those dipshits never make any money. Here’s current affairs reporter –how many damn reporters do we need, anyway-with a report about current affairs. Over to you, Current Affairs Guy.

CAG-Look, we try to stay away from the negative stuff here, but since we care about you viewers, here’s few tips to survive the impending health care collapse. Get solid health care coverage for yourself and dependents. If you can’t, then may God have mercy on your soul. By the way, the soul is now actually a pre-existing condition. Fortunately, this isn’t a problem for all these dickhead politicians, because they have no soul to begin with. Back to you, Kevin.

KO-Great stuff there. Solid, really top notch. That vague and generic tip to “get solid healthcare” doesn’t even need further explanation. Word to my mother. If you don’t have anything to do but read idyllic blogs this weekend, here’s a list of free and low cost activities like museums, hikes, adult education classes, meet ups and bar crawls.

Now, let’s hear from a local visionary who has a truly brilliant idea.

KO Wow, that guy is sharp. Genius. Keep an eye on that kid. I like the cut of his jib.

SG (off mic but still heard in background) He probably doesn't even know what a jib is.

.

KO We'll have more Kevolution Theory News after you watch this and we do shots in the studio.

Cut to a few commercials, then a public service announcement.

The following is a public service announcement-PUT THE FUCKING PHONE DOWN AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE WORLD AROUND YOU.

KO-And we’re back, with one last look at weather, where I can’t imagine anything has drastically changed in the last 14 minutes.

HWG-No, tomorrow the sun will rise and set like I forecasted.

Clearly, most of my budget will be going to the hot weather girls.

KO-Sports Guy, anything from you?

SG-Yes, another late breaking score; the away team 17.

KO-Thanks for watching the news.