26 Reasons Why You Would Vote For Me If I Was In The Debate

 The last few months, when I get recognized in public, it's always been the same two questions:

1) Sir, can you please stop urinating? The children can see you.

2) WTF ever happened to you running for President? We need you. This country needs you.

Both fair questions. So, dear readers, allow me to fill you in on my whereabouts the last few months. Like all of you, once the pandemic set in, I quarantined myself, used old socks as TP when I had to, became well versed in home brewing -prison wine-, gained 15 pounds and generally fell into the comfort of keeping my lazy ass home. Yet, I was heartbroken, as I continued to see our fair country continue to splinter apart. Instead of seeing this pandemic as a shining moment, we were left without leadership, with conflicting information, information that was slow in getting out, politics, division, fear, ignorance, brutality. At a time we all needed to be together, we were not; we were divided. It shattered me. Finally, about week or 7 or 8 (honestly, who's counting anymore), I raised myself off my couch/bed/video game chair, took myself to the bathroom, wiped off the Cheeto dust from my lumberjack beard and took a long, hard look in the mirror. Clearly, this country needed me. It's not like these dipshits here have ever voted a clueless putz with no previous experience into the highest office in the land. I found my resolve. I looked into that mirror, and in a low, Batman like tone, uttered, "FFuuuucckkkkkk this."

Like, seriously, even I don't know that I can #unfuck all this. Thsi seems like too much unfun work now. Conspiracy theories, bad cops, reporters jerking off, COVID numbers spiking back up, gathering crowds, social injustice, ignoring science. We're a shit show folks, a true shit show. And I don't know that I can fix this with PlayStation 5 about to come out.

Actually, it turns out you have to be on ballots, and get through primaries and other riff raff to actually be involved in these Presidential Debates. To be honest, the debates are kinda overblown. Your candidate of choice will always win in your eyes. The candidate not of your choosing will lose. We all have FB, we see it. They say these debates are for the "undecided." As I said in 2016, who dafuq can be undecided between these two? There are pretty clear differences. It's like comparing apple skin to orange skin. And these "undecided" dolts are the dullards most likely to decide this election. With that in mind, I am pretty sure these yahoos are my demographic. And while I won't be in the debate tonight, If I was, I have clear cut ideas that would sway me all the votes I need to become 46. So before y'all watch the debates, then post your propaganda on your socials, hear me out. Read the below. Then, instead of posting links to main stream media tonight, please link this brilliant political essay on all your socials so we can turn this around.

How I would win the debate:

1) If my donors raise enough campaign funds, I will audibly fart on stage.

2) I believe in science. I used to watch MythBusters all the time. In an unrelated note, there is a cabinet position waiting for you, Kari Byron. (Really, Kev, you’re still making Kari Byron jokes in 2020? Yes. Yes I am.)

And the answer is still.....no.

3) I never grabbed a woman by the pussy, nor smelled her hair in an unsolicited fashion.

4) Debates; two minute clock visible to candidates, audience, at home viewers. If at the end of the 2 minutes, you’re still talking, you get slimed. Keep going after that? Feathers. Still yapping? Honey. Then bees.  Thumb tacks. This can go on all night, folks. Mentos. Diet Coke.

5) I paid more than $750 in taxes last year. (And that’s just in sin tax.) 

6) I believe in climate change. I mean, it seems pretty basic to me, the more disgusting humans we populate the planet with, the more of a strain we put on Mother Earth. I don't even have kids (y'all welcome, BTW) but even I'm trying to leave it a better place. Stop being twats about this.

7) I will pick a suitable VP. TBD. And they will be working nights, weekends and holidays because that’s when I get my bad swerve on.

9) Speaking of, anyone know anyone who could be a good VP?

10) I don’t golf. Occasionally, a round of mini golf, but not these days.

11) I don’t Tweet.

12) I mean, really, if there’s one thing you can fairly say, I have better hair than either candidate. And I spend far less on it. True story, in September, I got my haircut for the first time in over two years. BECAUSE I AM A GODDAMNED PATRIOT!

"Need some trim, Kev?"
(Yes, this is a half naked dude. It's called courting the chick vote.")

 13) I'll have entrance music (by a band that approves me) and some pyrotechnics if appropriate.

14) I wouldn’t hire anybody from my family, because they’re all idiots.

15) I have no problem wearing a mask, not only will it protect myself, my loved ones and fellow Americans, it actually makes me look more attractive!

16) I won’t make up random numbers and vague statistics. Even though 87% of the populace agrees with me, and I have the support of many, many generals. Bigly generals.

17) I will hire an independent fact checking company to fact check both myself and the lose…uh…candidate, and publish those results real-time on my website.

18) I have the odd ability to actually answer the questions asked of me.

19) I wouldn't compete against Thursday Night Football. Even if it's a garbage NFC East matchup.

20) I, too, have no idea what Qanon is. I pretty much stopped watching the news when the pandemic hit. Are they some sort of WWE faction or something?

"Dang it, Cleetus! What did I tell ya? Take a look at that feller there. He's running them there pizza parlors with the young boys and all the Democrats. And the aliens; both intergalactic and dem dere illegals."

21) My town halls; 2 drink minimum for everyone. I will also have the debate drinking game displayed between myself and my opponent so we can also play along.

22) Invited members in my gallery; Kari Byron (grooming her for a cabinet position), Steve Austin (who gave the President a Stone Cold Stunner), Borat, Snoop Dogg (I don't think he says no to anything), Lisa Lampinelli  and my dog. Because, Americans, I can promise you the first thing I do when elected is put a dog back in the White House.

First Dawg Good Boy

23) BTW, is it still cool to call it the White House these days, or do we need to get woke to that, too?

24) I will announce the official "Sexy Kevolution Theory Presidential Costume." Comprised of flip flops, board shorts and a ratty concert t (feel free to add your own rum stains. RUM stains.), Proceeds will go to various women's benefits.

25) I won't use my persuasive powers for evil. To prove that, I will politely point out there is no #8 on this list. 

26) I'll insist the co-moderator will be Sister Mary Joseph, who taught me in 6th grade. So if myself or my opponent get out of line, she will wrap us about the knuckles with a wooden ruler.

I look forward to your vote!

#VoteForKev2020

#YWA