I Answer My Rejection Emails Vol 5

Another Monday. I think? The days are blurry to be honest. The summer of discontent rides on.

 

Hi Kevin,

I hope this message finds you well. We appreciate the time and effort you invested in the application process for the X. 

After careful consideration, we have filled the position and will not be moving forward with your application at this time. Unfortunately, due to the high volume of applications, we were unable to review all submissions in detail. Although we were unable to consider your application for this position, we were impressed by your background and encourage you to apply for future openings that match your qualifications. We frequently update our career page with new opportunities.

I hope you are happy for us to retain your details, in line with our privacy policy outlined below, and that we can contact you in the future should any suitable opportunities at X arise. 

Please also keep a check on our vacancies page for the latest opportunities that may interest you and you can keep in touch with the latest happenings at X

We thank you again for your interest and wish you all the best.  

Best Regards,

The X Talent Acquisition Team

 

Dear X Talent Unacquisition Team

Did you really just open a rejection email with “I hope this message finds you well!?!”

Just on that alone, I’m glad you passed on me. I haven’t seen this many red flags since Danica Patrick was still racing. Clearly, you don’t deserve someone of my awareness and common sense. But since I literally have nothing better to do, Imma do you a solid. Red flag #1 “hope this email finds you well.” That’s just base level wrong. Red flag #2 this corporate bullshit, “we were unable to review all submissions in detail. Although we were unable to consider your application for this position, we were impressed by your background.”

First, you tell me you were unable to read every resume, then contradict yo’self by saying you’re impressed by my background? Which one is it? I’ve always had a strong sense of logic, so seeing discrepancies like this is enough to know I’m better off wallowing in my borderline depression and Maury reruns. And, no, I’m not fucking happy to know you’re “retaining my details.” That you read. But also didn’t read. But if any opportunities do arise, please email me so I can both read your email. And not read your email.

Wank off,

Kev

 

Less than 24 hours after sending resume
Kevin,

 

Thank you for your interest in the X role at X.

We shared your profile with our SVP of X, and while your experience is very impressive, he has concluded that it does not quite align with what we are looking for in this role. We are very fortunate to have had a lot of interest in this opportunity, and it has allowed us to be extremely selective.

Although this opportunity was not a fit, we encourage you to continue to look at our job listings for any other positions that may be of interest to you. Thank you again for your interest in X, and we wish you the best in the next phase of your career.

Thank You,

-Recruiting @ X

 

 

Dear X,

OK, points to you, this email doesn’t reek of total suck. Look, I usually love to correctly call out the utter bullshit that comes back to me. But this is rather…empathetic. And I should know, because I put the ‘pathetic’ in empathetic. Do I believe you actually showed this to the SVP or marketing?

Also, this is a great callback to the above Maury reference. Comedy!

Yes, my experience is very impressive. And that’s not just me talking, I have reems of rejection emails telling me the same damn thing. I’d love to rip you a new one, but this is actually one of the more human form emails I’ve gotten back. Kudos.

Best at doing whatever it is you do,

Kev

 

Hi Kevin,

Thank you for your interest in the X opportunity. It means a lot to us that you would consider joining our mission here at X.

Although your accomplishments are impressive, after careful consideration we have decided not to move forward at this time. We would love to keep your resume on file for future opportunities and may follow up with you again if we find an opportunity that closely aligns with your experience. 

We wish you every success in your future endeavors!

Sincerely,

Recruiting Team @ X

 

Hey Recruiting Douchebags,

I imagine all you HR peckerheads have a weekly meeting at some insufferable craft brewer that serves only IPAs and beard hairs. And at that meeting, you have a bingo card about how many times you can reject potential candidates with the term “impressive.” Got it.

Your email is an impressive distance from actually being impressive, which in and of itself  is…wait for it…. impressive. After ‘careful consideration’ (surely, another space on your bingo card), I have decided to consciously uncouple from this less than impressive opportunity. If you actually keep my resume on file, that would be impressive. Also, I don’t give a shit anymore. You do you.

Have an awful day with your loser company,

Kev

I Answer My Rejection Emails Vol 4

 

Here we go; week 4 of the world shitting on me but hoping it makes you feel better. I liken this to your favorite artists’ divorce/breakup album. It’s brilliant stuff, it connects, you feel sorry for said artist, but glad they vocalize difficult feeling we all have. Yup, me, Phil Collins, Kasey Musgraves and Sarah McLachlan. What a super group. Also any excuse to put me in that company I will take. (FWIW, Kasey’s “Middle of Nowhere” might be my album of the summer.) Speaking of summer, let’s all have a laugh at my continuing summer of discontent.

 

Maybe the issue is I'm sending in paper resumes?

 

From 2/4

Dear Kevin,

We would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your interest in our X position in X at X.

We have filled the available position. We encourage you to visit our website for opportunities that match your interest and qualifications.

We wish you luck in your career search.

Sincerely,

Recruiting
X

This is an automated email response. Please do not reply.

Dear X,

You don’t tell me what to do. Good luck with your brainless automaton.

Kev

Please do not reply.

 

From 2/17

Hi Kevin,

Thank you so much for your application and interest in X. 

We received applications from many qualified candidates and unfortunately are going in a direction that better fits our needs at this time. That said, things are constantly evolving at X, and there could be a fit for you down the road. We encourage you to keep an eye on our jobs page for future opportunities.

Thanks again and we wish you the best in your search!

Kindly, 

X Recruiting

 

Hey X Recruiting,

Thanks for letting me know. I will now be evolving away from you into a different direction down the road as well.

Pound sand,

Kev

 

 

From 2/26

Hi Kevin,

Thank you for your interest in X!

We have reviewed your resume and experience for the X role. At this time the role is not going to be an ideal match for your experience. We're growing at flash speed, so please keep an eye on our career page for future opportunities. We wish you all the best!

X Recruiting

 

Hi X,

Kev

 

From 3/13
Hi Kevin,

Thank you for your interest in the X opportunity! We appreciate the time and energy spent on your application.

We have reviewed your application and regret to inform you that after careful consideration, we will not be moving forward with the interview process. Thank you again for your interest, and we wish you the best with all that follows!

Best Regards,

The X Team

 

Hi X Team,

I appreciate your lack of time and energy spent in this cookie cutter kiss off.

I have reviewed this brainless reply and after not much careful consideration, I have decided this is a mutually beneficial decision. I hope your successful candidate lasts longer than Connor McGregor in his last fight.

Lest regards,

Kev

I Answer My Rejection Emails Vol 3

 

 

Welcome to Volume 3 of the most riveting series on the Internets that no one is reading. I’m not really one for conspiracy theories, but that seems to be in vogue with the dullards these days. But I do suspect these pieces of internet comedy gold are not making it through the FB algo rhythm for some reason. Which is odd, because whenever I mistakenly hit the Home button on FB, it’s nothing but bad news, designed to generate clicks and piss me off. So why is my shit not getting through? So Imma try a lil’ sumthin’ different today. This is also why I ask you to subscribe to the Best Blogs No One Reads. I guess my “job” these days is making you feel better, so let’s get to it.

From 5/22

Hi KEVIN ,

Thank you for expressing interest in X  and for taking the time to apply for the X opening.

Our team has reviewed your application. At this time, we will not be moving forward with your application, which we understand might be disappointing, but please do not let this discourage you.

With that being said, please continue to review available opportunities on our career site.

Best wishes, Talent Acquisition Team at X

 

Hey X

While that was a bit of a rough open (using all caps is viewed as yelling in established internet culture), I appreciate your brief and economical reply. That is also how I would describe my resume. All fine by me. However, I will not be keeping an eye out to review available opps in the future.

From 5/20

Hi Kevin,

 

Thank you for submitting your resume for the X position at X.

 

After reviewing your experience and qualifications, we decided to move forward with other candidates.

 

We wish you the best in your job search and invite you to regularly check our careers page for other openings.

Regards,
X HR

Dear X HR

You guys don’t get paid by the word, eh? I’ll make my reply just as dry and brief-fuck off. I have decided to move on to other opportunities.

Fuck off again,

Kev

 

From 5/15

Hi Kevin,

Thank you for taking the time to apply for the X role at X. We appreciate your interest and the effort you put into your application.

After careful consideration, we regret to inform you that we have decided to move forward with other candidates who more closely match the requirements for the role.

We encourage you to apply for future openings and will keep your resume on file.

Thank you again for your interest in X. We wish you all the best in your job search.

Thank you,
X Team

Dear X Team

Do all you braindead companies subscribe to a service that just gives you the same email rejection template? I swear I’ve gotten this exact copy like a dozen times or so this month. With that in mind, I also subscribe to a service that gives me the same braindead email to send back:

You guys don’t get paid by the word, eh? I’ll make my reply just as dry and brief-fuck off. I have decided to move on to other opportunities.

Fuck off again,

Kev

From 4/24

Hi Kevin,

Thank you for your interest in the X position with X.  Unfortunately, this position has been filled at this time. 

New positions are opening every week and so we do encourage you to look at our job board and apply for any position you believe fits your qualifications and expertise.

Thank you again for your application.

Sincerely,

(Seriously, this is like déjà vu! This one seems familiar, right? I went back to the previous 2 posts to see if I already replied to this one. I did not. Now I truly believe they just copy and paste this shit from the first hit on Google.)

Dear X,

I think you mean “fortunately this position has been filled.” Your reply is soulless, much like I imagine your culture. Know how I know this? You lazily didn’t even put anything after Sincerely in your sign off. You don’t pay attention to detail, so I shouldn’t expect you to pay attention to high level talent.

Sincerely,

In case you didn't get that signoff

I Answer My Rejection Emails Vol 2

 

Yup, Monday sure does come pretty damn quick on what is most likely a 3 day weekend. (Or a 232 day weekend in my case. Yes, I did the math on that. Seems like only a 132 days weekend, whatevs.)  Welcome to Vol 2 of me responding to my rejection emails. (alternatively titled “Aren’t You Glad You’re Not Me”)  You can read Vol 1 here. A slight update from last week, I am no longer using ‘redacted,’ just using a big ol’ capital X instead of the idiot company or job I was applying for. Look at me being more efficient! How do I put this on my LinkedIn profile? Anyway…

 

 From 6/29-less than an hour after applying

Hi Kevin,

Thank you for your interest in X and investing the time to apply for X. We know there are a lot of organizations to choose from when finding a home for your talents to shine, we're honored that you considered us.  After careful consideration, we have decided to move forward with other candidates whose backgrounds and experiences more closely align with the requirements of the role. At X, we deeply believe in the potential of people to grow and find success in their career paths. While this specific role might not have been the right alignment, your unique skills and abilities hold significant value. We encourage you to explore other open positions on our Careers Page, as there may be opportunities where your expertise can truly shine. To stay informed about these, please ensure you’ve opted in to receive notifications on your account profile. Thank you again for considering X, where together we help people, organizations, and communities around the world prepare their workforce for a better tomorrow. We wish you all the best in your job search and future career endeavors. Thank you, Talent Acquisition Team

Hi Buttholes-

I commend your quickness to move forward with other candidates. TBH, you were an experiment at best. Despite what the eggheads at LinkedIn told me that I would be a ‘High” match, and JobScan seemed pretty tight with me as well. All good, I really do appreciate how quick you nuke applicants and don’t leave us hanging. Best of luck to you. I will not opt in for future notifications. You only get one shot with me.

 

 From Saturday 6/27

 Hello Kevin,

 

Thank you for your application for the X position at X. At this time, the position has been filled. We encourage you to keep X in mind for future opportunities as you continue your career search.

 

We will keep your resume on file and hope you stay in touch for future opportunities. We will reach out if we have anything that opens on our end that we see you may be a fit for. In the meantime, bookmark our career page to stay up to date on new jobs, express interest in other departments and locations, and receive regular emails on company updates. We look forward to connecting!

 

Thanks again and have a great day!

Hi jerkoff,

I nary appreciate the arrival of this email at 9:18 on a Saturday. That’s kinda bad pool here in the world of common sense. OR, some poor schmoe is actually working at this shithole on a Saturday morning. Yea, I generally thrive in ‘normal business hours.’ Either way, this doesn’t sound like a landing place for a man of my skills. Seems sketch to me that this job was available today, but now suddenly filled. I hope whoever is responsible for the content and timing of this email will blow off their fingers this 4^th. I will have one extra finger for ya…..

Kev

 

 

And this doozy of an exchange on 6/22 12:35 PM that I alluded to last week. I sent an application this this jabroni company. Yes, I said jabroni, but, honestly, if the Zamboni company was hiring, I’d totes apply to be a driver. So, I sent in my app, and get this reply back.

Hi Kevin,

Thank you for applying to the X role! I’ve reviewed your background, and your experience scaling X’s regional X program into a national playbook looks incredibly impressive.

Ahead of scheduling a potential call, we are asking our top candidates to provide a bit more context on their specific X frameworks. Could you please reply directly to this email with a brief response to the question below?

• Bullet point I had AI help me with.

Once I receive your response and we are aligned on those operational mechanics, I will send over a link to get our introductory phone screen scheduled.

Looking forward to your insights!

Best regards,

The Talent Aquisition Team

 

Right after this, I got a text from their HR representative Adrianna following up this email. Nice, I like they have initiative and seem really interested in me. Warm fuzzies!

So between AI and my own AI-actual intelligence-I come up with a strong and appropriate answer, that I send on 6/23 1:09 PM Also, this is our safe space, it was kind of fictional as well. (See last week’s edition about the benefits of working jobs that no longer exist.) But it’s rooted in honesty and experience, and it’s something all us loser unemployed have to do to keep the lights on.

6/24 fucking 3:25 AM
Hi Kevin,

Thank you for taking the time to interview with us. We truly appreciate the effort you put into the process and the opportunity to learn more about your background.

After careful consideration, although your experiences and skills are impressive, our hiring leaders have decided to move forward with other candidates. We sincerely appreciate your interest in joining X, and we wish you all the best in your future endeavors.

We embrace our value of optimism and have big plans for X’s future! With that, new roles will be opening regularly. Please check back for opportunities that may be a right fit for your career goals.

Respectfully,
Talent Acquisition

Dear Adrianna

Oh, sweetie. We need to talk. Your lack of attention to detail is apparent in this form email. You never had the sublime pleasure of an interview with me. Sent to me at 3 GD 25 in the morning?!  How inappropriate, you dirty pirate hooker. My answer was solid, and we both know it. If you don’t want that level of talent in your company, take a long hike off a short pier, sister.  

And, for real, do you end this sad form email of slop hyping your company?!? You “embrace optimism and have big plans?” WHAT. DAFUQ. IS. THAT? If you’re not hiring me, why would I give two shits about any of this? This seems like y’all gloating. If I understand your standard line of bewlshit correctly, I am “impressive,” but not impressive enough for an interview at this point? Why would I want “opportunities” from your shithole of a company? I personally wish you no ill will, but if you were, perhaps, to be in a tanning bed in a Final Destination type situation, I would not feel bad.

I am optimistic your future bad hire sets you back 5 years.

Go pound sand

Kev