Yup, Monday sure does come pretty damn quick on what is most
likely a 3 day weekend. (Or a 232 day weekend in my case. Yes, I did the math
on that. Seems like only a 132 days weekend, whatevs.) Welcome to Vol 2 of me responding to my
rejection emails. (alternatively titled “Aren’t You Glad You’re Not Me”) You can read Vol 1 here. A slight update from
last week, I am no longer using ‘redacted,’ just using a big ol’ capital X instead
of the idiot company or job I was applying for. Look at me being more
efficient! How do I put this on my LinkedIn profile? Anyway…
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Hi Buttholes-
I commend your quickness to move forward with other
candidates. TBH, you were an experiment at best. Despite what the eggheads at
LinkedIn told me that I would be a ‘High” match, and JobScan seemed pretty
tight with me as well. All good, I really do appreciate how quick you nuke
applicants and don’t leave us hanging. Best of luck to you. I will not opt in
for future notifications. You only get one shot with me.
Thank you for your application for the X position at X. At
this time, the position has been filled. We encourage you to keep X in mind for
future opportunities as you continue your career search.
We will keep your resume on file and hope you stay in touch
for future opportunities. We will reach out if we have anything that opens on
our end that we see you may be a fit for. In the meantime, bookmark our career
page to stay up to date on new jobs, express interest in other departments and
locations, and receive regular emails on company updates. We look forward to
connecting!
Thanks again and have a great day!
Hi jerkoff,
I nary appreciate the arrival of this email at 9:18 on a
Saturday. That’s kinda bad pool here in the world of common sense. OR, some
poor schmoe is actually working at this shithole on a Saturday morning. Yea, I
generally thrive in ‘normal business hours.’ Either way, this doesn’t sound
like a landing place for a man of my skills. Seems sketch to me that this job
was available today, but now suddenly filled. I hope whoever is responsible for
the content and timing of this email will blow off their fingers this 4th.
I will have one extra finger for ya…..
Kev
And this doozy of an exchange on 6/22 12:35 PM that I
alluded to last week. I sent an application this this jabroni company. Yes, I
said jabroni, but, honestly, if the Zamboni company was hiring, I’d totes apply
to be a driver. So, I sent in my app, and get this reply back.
Hi Kevin,
Thank you for applying to the X role! I’ve
reviewed your background, and your experience scaling X’s regional X program
into a national playbook looks incredibly impressive.
Ahead of scheduling a potential call, we are asking our top
candidates to provide a bit more context on their specific X frameworks. Could
you please reply directly to this email with a brief response to the question
below?
- Bullet
point I had AI help me with.
Once I receive your response and we are aligned on those
operational mechanics, I will send over a link to get our introductory phone
screen scheduled.
Looking forward to your insights!
Best regards,
The Talent Aquisition Team
Right after this, I got a text from their HR representative
Adrianna following up this email. Nice, I like they have initiative and seem really
interested in me. Warm fuzzies!
So between AI and my own AI-actual intelligence-I come up
with a strong and appropriate answer, that I send on 6/23 1:09 PM Also, this is
our safe space, it was kind of fictional as well. (See last week’s edition
about the benefits of working jobs that no longer exist.) But it’s rooted in honesty
and experience, and it’s something all us loser unemployed have to do to keep
the lights on.
6/24 fucking 3:25 AM
Hi Kevin,
Thank you for taking the time to interview with us. We truly appreciate the
effort you put into the process and the opportunity to learn more about your
background.
After careful consideration, although your experiences and skills are
impressive, our hiring leaders have decided to move forward with other
candidates. We sincerely appreciate your interest in joining X, and we wish you
all the best in your future endeavors.
We embrace our value of optimism and have big plans for X’s future! With that,
new roles will be opening regularly. Please check back for opportunities that
may be a right fit for your career goals.
Respectfully,
Talent Acquisition
Dear Adrianna
Oh, sweetie. We need to talk. Your lack of attention to detail is apparent in this form email. You never had the sublime pleasure of an interview with me. Sent to me at 3 GD 25 in the morning?! How inappropriate, you dirty pirate hooker. My answer was solid, and we both know it. If you don’t want that level of talent in your company, take a long hike off a short pier, sister.
And, for real, do you end this sad form email of slop hyping your company?!?
You “embrace optimism and have big plans?” WHAT. DAFUQ. IS. THAT? If you’re not
hiring me, why would I give two shits about any of this? This seems like y’all
gloating. If I understand your standard line of bewlshit correctly, I am “impressive,”
but not impressive enough for an interview at this point? Why would I want “opportunities”
from your shithole of a company? I personally wish you no ill will, but if you
were, perhaps, to be in a tanning bed in a Final Destination type situation, I
would not feel bad.
I am optimistic your future bad hire sets you back 5 years.
Go pound sand
Kev
