Welcome to Volume 3 of the most riveting series on the
Internets that no one is reading. I’m not really one for conspiracy theories,
but that seems to be in vogue with the dullards these days. But I do suspect
these pieces of internet comedy gold are not making it through the FB algo
rhythm for some reason. Which is odd, because whenever I mistakenly hit the
Home button on FB, it’s nothing but bad news, designed to generate clicks and
piss me off. So why is my shit not getting through? So Imma try a lil’ sumthin’
different today. This is also why I ask you to subscribe to the Best Blogs No
One Reads. I guess my “job” these days is making you feel better, so let’s get
to it.
From 5/22
Hi KEVIN ,
Thank you for expressing interest in X and for taking the time to apply for the X
opening.
Our team has reviewed your application. At this time, we will not be moving
forward with your application, which we understand might be disappointing, but
please do not let this discourage you.
With that being said, please continue to review available opportunities on our
career site.
Best wishes, Talent Acquisition Team at X
Hey X
While that was a bit of a rough open (using all caps is
viewed as yelling in established internet culture), I appreciate your brief and
economical reply. That is also how I would describe my resume. All fine by me.
However, I will not be keeping an eye out to review available opps in the
future.
From 5/20
Hi Kevin,
Thank you for submitting your resume for the X position
at X.
After reviewing your experience and qualifications, we
decided to move forward with other candidates.
We wish you the best in your job search and invite you to
regularly check our careers page for other openings.
Regards,
X HR
Dear X HR
You guys don’t get paid by the word, eh? I’ll make my reply
just as dry and brief-fuck off. I have decided to move on to other
opportunities.
Fuck off again,
Kev
From 5/15
Hi Kevin,
Thank you for taking the time to apply for the X role at X.
We appreciate your interest and the effort you put into your application.
After careful consideration, we regret to inform you that we
have decided to move forward with other candidates who more closely match the
requirements for the role.
We encourage you to apply for future openings and will keep
your resume on file.
Thank you again for your interest in X. We wish you all the
best in your job search.
Thank you,
X Team
Dear X Team
Do all you braindead companies subscribe to a service that
just gives you the same email rejection template? I swear I’ve gotten this
exact copy like a dozen times or so this month. With that in mind, I also
subscribe to a service that gives me the same braindead email to send back:
You guys don’t get paid by the word, eh? I’ll make my reply
just as dry and brief-fuck off. I have decided to move on to other
opportunities.
Fuck off again,
Kev
From 4/24
Hi Kevin,
Thank you for your interest in the X position with X.
Unfortunately, this position has been filled at this time.
New positions are opening every week and so we do encourage you to look at our
job board and apply for any position you believe fits your qualifications
and expertise.
Thank you again for your application.
Sincerely,
(Seriously, this is like déjà vu! This one seems familiar,
right? I went back to the previous 2 posts to see if I already replied to this
one. I did not. Now I truly believe they just copy and paste this shit from the
first hit on Google.)
Dear X,
I think you mean “fortunately this position has been
filled.” Your reply is soulless, much like I imagine your culture. Know how I
know this? You lazily didn’t even put anything after Sincerely in your sign
off. You don’t pay attention to detail, so I shouldn’t expect you to pay
attention to high level talent.
Sincerely,
 |
| In case you didn't get that signoff |
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