Another Monday. I think? The days are blurry to be honest. The summer of discontent rides on.
Hi Kevin,
I hope this message finds you well. We appreciate the time
and effort you invested in the application process for the X.
After careful consideration, we have filled the position and
will not be moving forward with your application at this time. Unfortunately,
due to the high volume of applications, we were unable to review all
submissions in detail. Although we were unable to consider your
application for this position, we were impressed by your background and
encourage you to apply for future openings that match your qualifications. We
frequently update our career page with new opportunities.
I hope you are happy for us to retain your details, in line
with our privacy policy outlined below, and that we can contact you in the
future should any suitable opportunities at X arise.
Please also keep a check on our vacancies page for the
latest opportunities that may interest you and you can keep in touch with the
latest happenings at X
We thank you again for your interest and wish you all the
best.
Best Regards,
The X Talent Acquisition Team
Dear X Talent Unacquisition Team
Did you really just open a rejection email with “I hope this
message finds you well!?!”
Just on that alone, I’m glad you passed on me. I haven’t
seen this many red flags since Danica Patrick was still racing. Clearly, you
don’t deserve someone of my awareness and common sense. But since I literally
have nothing better to do, Imma do you a solid. Red flag #1 “hope this email
finds you well.” That’s just base level wrong. Red flag #2 this corporate
bullshit, “we were unable to review all submissions in detail. Although we
were unable to consider your application for this position, we were impressed
by your background.”
First, you tell me you were unable to read every resume,
then contradict yo’self by saying you’re impressed by my background? Which one
is it? I’ve always had a strong sense of logic, so seeing discrepancies like
this is enough to know I’m better off wallowing in my borderline depression and
Maury reruns. And, no, I’m not fucking happy to know you’re “retaining my
details.” That you read. But also didn’t read. But if any opportunities do
arise, please email me so I can both read your email. And not read your email.
Wank off,
Kev
Less than 24 hours after sending resume
Kevin,
Thank you for your interest in the X role at X.
We shared your profile with our SVP of X, and while your
experience is very impressive, he has concluded that it does not quite align
with what we are looking for in this role. We are very fortunate to have had a
lot of interest in this opportunity, and it has allowed us to be extremely
selective.
Although this opportunity was not a fit, we encourage you to
continue to look at our job listings for any other positions that may be of
interest to you. Thank you again for your interest in X, and we wish you the
best in the next phase of your career.
Thank You,
-Recruiting @ X
Dear X,
OK, points to you, this email doesn’t reek of total suck. Look,
I usually love to correctly call out the utter bullshit that comes back to me.
But this is rather…empathetic. And I should know, because I put the ‘pathetic’
in empathetic. Do I believe you actually showed this to the SVP or marketing?
 |
| Also, this is a great callback to the above Maury reference. Comedy! |
Yes, my experience is very impressive. And that’s not just
me talking, I have reems of rejection emails telling me the same damn thing. I’d
love to rip you a new one, but this is actually one of the more human form
emails I’ve gotten back. Kudos.
Best at doing whatever it is you do,
Kev
Hi Kevin,
Thank you for your interest in the X opportunity. It means a
lot to us that you would consider joining our mission here at X.
Although your accomplishments are impressive, after careful
consideration we have decided not to move forward at this time. We would
love to keep your resume on file for future opportunities and may follow up
with you again if we find an opportunity that closely aligns with your
experience.
We wish you every success in your future endeavors!
Sincerely,
Recruiting Team @ X
Hey Recruiting Douchebags,
I imagine all you HR peckerheads have a weekly meeting at some
insufferable craft brewer that serves only IPAs and beard hairs. And at that meeting,
you have a bingo card about how many times you can reject potential candidates
with the term “impressive.” Got it.
Your email is an impressive distance from actually being
impressive, which in and of itself is…wait
for it…. impressive. After ‘careful consideration’ (surely, another space on
your bingo card), I have decided to consciously uncouple from this less than
impressive opportunity. If you actually keep my resume on file, that would be
impressive. Also, I don’t give a shit anymore. You do you.
Have an awful day with your loser company,
Kev
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