Yep, I am still unemployed. Know how I know that? Because I
get rejection email. A lot. Like almost every day a lot. There’s nothing worse
than opening your email and seeing rejection. Yea, some days ya get numb to it,
other days ya kinda laugh, other days you just try to hold it together. Sometimes
I get these emails sent to me at 3 in the morning! Can we have some empathy
here? It’s not like there is some evil gremlin that sits at a desk somewhere,
waiting till 3:18 AM to send a rejection. Clearly this is automated but come
the fuck on. Let’s have an agreement where rejection letters get sent after 8
AM, on weekdays; weekends strictly off limits. I have inadvertently become a
collector of rejection emails. All of them say to not reply. Late last night, I
had a thought. “What if I could reply? What if I could answer them back?”
Also, it’s an easy slump buster when the source material is
provided, and I just have to riff off it. Why not share my pain? We all know,
someone else’s pain can be funny. And, GD, I’ve been that someone for over 6 long
months now. I should get some sort of coin for not jumping off a bridge
already. So, please join me as I share some of my ‘favorite’ rejection emails,
and how I would answer them. Even though I shouldn’t, I will protect individual
names (for the most part) and company names. I am sure they will all feel the
shame soon enough for not hiring a vengeful bastard like me.
In case you’re one of the lucky ones who has a meaningful
job that hasn’t crushed your soul yet, here’s what us job seekers have to put
up with in 2026. Have a strong base resume-but you’re going to have to tailor
it to each individual job. For years, employers used an Automated Tracking
System-ATS. And this mysterious ATS would tear through your resume and decide
if an interview would be coming. And for years, us unemployed losers railed
against this mysterious and inconsistent overlord. Human HR reps were largely removed
and only saw good matches. Now, with so many different AIs available, it’s
become so much easier to sync a resume to a job description-JD. Ha ha, the odds
have swung to our favor! Except-
It’s still a broken system. I have chosen poorly much of my
professional life, clinging to dying sectors like physical music, digital
cameras and robot vacuums. The one good thing about being a black cloud is
these jobs and companies don’t exist anymore, so I can invent all kinds of
lies, and no one would ever know! As a result, I am not a total stranger to
being jobless. (Cheap plug, go search the unemployment tag over there on the
right to see my misadventures through the years.) And I can honestly say, for
many reasons both in and out of my control-it’s never been this bad. The
amount of truly talented people not finding meaningful jobs is crushing. And AI
is not the easy and cheap answer. Because now everyone can use AI, we
essentially have programs, bots and computers talking to-other programs, bots
and computers. No humans necessary. It’s never been easier to be a hiring
manager. Of course, the paradox is it’s also never been more difficult to be a
hiring manager. Progress!
(This post is also the reason I never link anything personal
to an application. They’re very nosey now. Asking all kinds of personal stuff
like gender, orientation, disabilities-all this shit we’ve all been told is
illegal to ask. They might be able to track down my FB, but that’s it. They ask
for personal sites, Twitter, etc. Uh, yea, fuck that.)
That’s the backdrop, so let’s get to the funny, eh?
From 6/22
Dear Kevin,
Thank you for your application and we appreciate your interest in Redacted.
We regret to inform you that your profile does not fully match the requirements
for the vacant position.
Thank you for taking the time to apply for this role. We wish you success in
your future job seeking.
If another position becomes available that fits your profile
we would welcome your application again. All open positions can be found
here:
Best regards,
Christin
HR Working Student
Dear Christin
Thank you for the form rejection letter. However, pumpkin, there’s
a few things you should know. I already interviewed for this job-with your head
of HR and VP of redacted about 3 weeks ago. Y’all talk? We got about 20
minutes into the interview, when it became clear this wasn’t a fit for me or
you.
I see this role it still open. As a former hiring manager myself, I should have
brought up in my interview what might be an issue for your POS company. You
might want to check the JD versus the actual job. As we discovered in my
interview, the JD is misleading as to what the actual job is. I understand you
are a German company looking to break into North America. And I can surmise
(look it up) that the job is still open because the wrong people are
interviewing for the job. If you clean that up, I am sure you will get the
candidates you are looking for.
I hope you one day graduate and run away from this POS
company.
Wow! That felt really amazing! Let’s keep going!
From 6/5
Hi Kevin,
Thank you for your interest in Redacted and taking the time
to apply for the redacted - East role.
After careful consideration, we will not be moving forward
with your application at this time.
Redacted is growing quickly, and we’d be delighted if you
stay connected with us. Please feel free to apply to any future opportunities
that align with your skills and experience, and keep an eye on our careers page
for new openings.
We truly appreciate the effort you put into your
application, and wish you every success in your job search.
Warm regards,
The Redacted Recruiting Team
Dear Redacted,
I have no recollection of applying to your unextraordinary
company.
Regardless, fuck off if you’d think I’d apply again. You get
one shot at my greatness, and you blew it. I look forward to watching you fail.
Warm regards, Kev
From 1/9 one of my earliest rejections and one of the most
poorly worded ones, and it still pisses me off to this day.
Dear Kevin, Thank you for your application for Redacted and taking the time to
learn about our company. Unfortunately you have not been successful in the next
stage of the recruitment process.
We do hope you’ll keep us in mind when we advertise roles in the future and
encourage you to apply again.
We wish you the best of luck in your job search and thank you for your interest
in our company.
Kind regards,
Talent Acquisition Team
Dear Redacted Acquisition Team,
Unfortunately, YOU have not been successful in the next
stage of the recruitment process! What da fuck kind of wording is that? Someone
on your “team” needs to do a better job with phrasing. From the sound of this
condescending email, you don’t deserve the greatness of me. I sure as fuck
won’t keep you in mind, except as I write all these negative product reviews
you’ve been getting.
Eat a bag of dicks and warm regards,
Kev
From 1/21
Hi Kevin,
Thank you for taking the time to consider joining Redacted. Our team has
reviewed your application for the Redacted role and we have decided to move
forward with other candidates who are a stronger match for the needs of the
role.
We appreciate the time and effort you put into submitting
your application and are grateful for your interest in joining us at Redacted. Although
it wasn't a match this time, please don't hesitate to apply to other open roles
that align with your interests and experience at- redacted
Thanks,
Redacted Talent Team
Dear Redacted Team,
Phew, this is actually a relief, I’m grateful we’re not
moving forward. This job sounded like garbage, and I was taking a flyer as I
was figuring out AI. I won’t be applying with you in the future for anything.
Go toss a salad,
Kev
From 1/28
Hi Kevin,
Thank you again for your interest in Redacted.
I regret to share that we have decided not to proceed with
your candidacy for the redacted (Remote) role.
While we found your qualifications to be impressive, we have decided to move
ahead with another candidate who we feel is a better match for the team's
current needs at this time.
It was not an easy decision as we have received a lot of interest in this
particular opportunity from a talented pool of candidates.
Thank you again for your interest in Redacted and we wish
you luck in your search.
Regards,
Hiring Team
Dear Hiring Team,
In reading between the lines here, you liked my experience,
but you found someone younger and dumber willing to work for slave wages. Tickling
my ass with “it was not an easy decision..” is contrite. My mom will be happy
to know I reside in “a talented pool of candidates.” Fuck off. I wish you luck
in YOUR search.
 |
| TBH, this AI was totally AI generated. I asked Gemini to go nuts and make up something on it's own. And I do have to say, this is pretty hilarious and on brand. |
OK, last one, because I feel me getting fired up again. From
2/22
Thank you for your interest in the Redacted position at Redacted in United
States. Unfortunately, we will not be moving forward with your application, but
we appreciate your time and interest in Redacted.
Regards,
Redacted Software
Dear Redacted,
The amount of time it took you to send this form rejection
letter is the exact amount of time I spent on my resume for this job. Fair.
OK, Imma leave this here. I have a ton of source material
here. The plan is to make this a regular feature on Mondays, because, well,
this seems like a Monday thing to do.
Hope your day is better than mine.
Patreon Content
Seriously, I do feel better after this post. I am sure you
guys do, too, ya heartless bastards. I’m sitting on a really good exchange I
would love to get out for volume 2.
I really need to start a community of us dirty unemployed
where we rate our application and interview process. No one steal that idea
while I figure out how to use Claude to make it happen.
As I was writing this, guess what I got? Yup, another
rejection email.
