The Christmas JackPotLuck Joke Buffet

As most good writers (I guess) I came up with a bunch of jokes, ideas, concepts, etc. that I just didn't have time to flesh out. Blame many things; the hustle and bustle, needy constituents, family get togethers, travelling, black outs, I mean, there's plenty of blame to spread around here, so let's not with the pointing of fingers, eh?

So consider this my late Xmas gift to you. Yes, this is admittedly a half ass post. But two things, here, sport. 1) Even my half ass posts are better than most others' "full ass" posts and 2) WHAT THE FUCK PRESENT DID YOU GET ME?!?? Exactly, so read on you soulless bastards.

Even if the government is shut down on Christmas Eve, you know who' still gonna be working? The mailmen/women. You're GR right, that's their big day.

"Oh, I have a tip for you."
"Great, I'm used to handling small packages!"

So, as I click past the 17 channels that are showing holiday movies 24/7, I can't help but look at some of the lead actresses and think, "Ya know what? I probably would."

Would

You know what I would like to give the world for Xmas? And excuse me, if this a bit of a #VoteForKev2020 post, but I would like to make mandatory that ALL cars come with turn signals. I've been doing a lot of travelling lately, and it seems the closer the Holidays get, the worse the driving gets.I mean, if you're gonna cut through 3 lanes of traffic to barely sneak into that exit that was CLEARLY marked for the last 3 miles, at least use the GD turn signal.
What, what's that? Turn signals are already in ALL the cars!?!?
Well, fffuuuucccckkkk me. So why aren't you assholes using them? C'mon man, a little common courtesy in this holiest of made up holidays.

Here's a pretty cool Xmas medley that is KT approved

And the best new album of new Xmas music as well. JD McPherson

Random Thought; If I wanted to have a rainbow party during the holidays, could I get away calling it a candy cane party?
Asking for someone who already sent out the Evite.

Would

Anyone else finding themselves missing the excitement that was the Bell Helicopter Bowl?

Question for the fellas; is the girl in the GMC red/black commercial growing on you as well? She has a very breathy, porny "Yea?" at the 7 second mark

If you're one of the 5,000 people Chevy just laid off, how steamed are you at Chevy Family commercials?

Where can I get some goddamned figgy pudding? These dang kids won't go until they get some.

They won't go until they get some.

They won't go until they get some. (C'mon, you know you were already singing that in your head.)

Would.

Bowl season the the male equivalent of Hallmark movies.

Is there any Star Wars character Disney hasn't put a Santa hat on yet?

I'm not gonna miss all these freaking Jared commercials. Fellas, can I get a high five here?

Would

I drink my Ovaltine.

Would

I hope you can all come see my Christmas band play this weekend. Our name is Sleigher. (And, yes, I used that joke on FB, but it's just that dang good, I can use it again.)

Topic for debate; when being gifted underwear, do you wear them right out of the box or wash them? I know what I do, but what would you do? Thoughts?

Would

Knock it off with all the Elf memes about Christmas being 364 days away already.

Let's Get Drunk and Watch Shitty Xmas Movies Together Tomorrow Night

I have a brilliant idea. I want a creative way to mask my alcoholism. No, wait, that's not it. I thought it would be funny to play the Official Kevolution Theory Shitty Christmas Movie Drinking Game and Tweet about it. And guess what? You're all invited! That's right all of you! No cover charge or ugly sweaters necessary! And all the free exclamation points you can handle! 

So here's the deal. The drinking game rules are below. No peeking. So we're all on the same page, here's the holiday piece of dreck we will be watching 8PM EST on Lifetime

This future inductee into the National Film Registry; a sure to be modern classic called Christmas Around the Corner.

We're all gonna be best friends by the time this movie is over

Now, truth be told, I came up with this list before I chose the movie. I chose this movie because it happened to be right in the time I wanted. And you can thank me because it is up against another piece of shit Xmas movie that "stars" Candace Cameron Bure, and I am pretty sure that movie would have poisoned us. Speaking of drinking, just by the 30 second preview, I can see we will be drinking. A lot. Hydrate now and get those Gatorades on the night stand for Saturday morning!

I really need corporate sponsors for this sort of thing.

I have also noticed, doing research, that apparently I have at least three channels that are showing nothing but shitty Xmas movies. I am pretty sure this is why the terrorists hate us.

"But, Kev, why are you doing this on Twitter?" Great question! I'm doing this on Twitter because I don't want to litter my FB friends' timelines with jokes that have such a short life span. Also, I realize a lot of my friends have an actual life and don't sit home on Fridays nights writing jokes no one reads. I'm not doing this to gain Twitter followers because, clearly, I don't have Twitter figured out. It just seems the best way for people who are interested in this sort of content to consume it. In the end, this is really just an experiment, and I have zero expectations. And if I play the Game right, I will also have zero recollection. Win win!

This could be us by 8:10.

I have also created the hashtag #DrinkingWithKT. Apparently, some other loser used #DrinkingWithKev, which was my first choice. Granted, it hasn't been used for over two years. But I don't have kids, and hashtags are as close as I wanna get.

Ok, so below are the rules. They will work with any shitty Xmas movie you will see on Hallmark, Lifetime or whatever other godforsaken "networks" show this drivel. 

Follow all my jokes @ifyouseekev. Now go prepare, get your drinks of choice, cancel all your social engagements, get Gatorade, have water and Xmas cookies. It's OK, there's still one more weekend you can totes procrastinate on your shopping.

The Kevolution Theory Shitty Christmas Movie Drinking Game

Drink Everytime

Elf sighting

Reindeer!

Creepy Guy wearing Santa hat

Musical montage

People are outside in the cold, yet you can’t see their breath

Jewelry commercial (yes, the drinking game continues through the commercials. It’s the Kevolution Theory way)

Commercial for another shitty Xmas movie

You laugh at one of my hilarious Tweets

Drink Only Once If:

Plot involves someone returning to their hometown

Plot involves two people who originally disliked each other, but you just KNOW they’ll be bumping uglies before New Years Eve

Someone is widowed or divorced

Single parents

Plot involves saving small town business; hotel, bookstore, brothel, bakery, general store, library

Someone gets snowed in/stuck in town

Two people pretend to be in a relationship, and of course, end up in a relationship

Protagonist career is any of the following: writer, photographer, marketing, chef/baker, flight attendant

Someone from New York travels South

Male protagonist dislikes Xmas

Plot has anything to do with exes

Someone has an Xmas based name; i.e Holly, Nick, Donner, Blitzen

Movie features that one actor….from that one show…..

Movie stars a country singer

Main character is leaving town at the end of the movie, but we all know they skipped the flight and stayed

Story has anything to do with alternate timelines

Story has anything to do with people switching bodies

Drink Twice

If the girl looks familiar

When it starts to snow (No, NOT every time you see snow. I don’t want to kill you.)

Plot involves some small town business that is related to Xmas; tree farm, toy factory, etc

The Mayor gets involved

The tree is getting decorated

Tree lighting ceremony

Snowball fight!

Someone is building a snowman

I actually pick up a new Twitter follower

Movie stars Danica McKellar, Lacey Chalbert, Candace Cameron Bure, Lori Laughlin

Santa Claus sighting

Multiples

If the plot has  anything to do with a princess -3x

Mehorah sighting -5X (this one gets legit next year)

Socials

Mistletoe

Carolers

Someone is drinking eggnog

Drinker’s Choice

The main guy/girl started out “kinda cute” but as you’re playing this game, he/she gets hotter

Starting to feel shame because THIS is the way you’re wasting a perfectly good Friday night

Chug

You cry, you big sally

Gifts We Need To Stop Giving

As the calendar nears to December, the full hustle and bustle of the homogeneously termed “holidays” are almost upon us. It’s a time of wonder, tradition, hope, joy. Not so coincidentally, this is also the time most people seem to abandon common sense, and go all ape shit. And if nothing else, this blog has always been about doling out common sense in a world sorely needing it.

So, dear reader (I say that because hits are way down, and I am damn close to having single digit readers), I am here to once again lay down some wisdom on a world that really lacks it, but will also disregard it. Yet, I will still dish it out because it’s what us visionaries do. I will also stop slyly inferring how great I am. For now.

If I can help you at all this holiday season, let it be this. Stop buying bullshit gifts. Right now, the net is all awash in “top ten gifts” lists. The best tech. The best gadgets. The best deals. All noise, my friends, all noise. My gift to you is what not to gift to others. 

Spoiler alert; it sucks, whatever it is.

Fitness Trackers. OK, can we just stop this now? Besides the copious reports that these things don’t actually work, where’s all the owner’s evidence that they do work? Counting steps is bogus at best. Sure it’s all nice and cheery to think that something literally as basic as just meandering around all day will help you lose weight by just more meandering is bogus. Who has ever lost -and kept off- weight by merely just increasing their steps? I’ll tell you who; no-freaking-body. If it was really that easy, people would be walking more. Instead, they’re just driving more, and that’s while staring at their phones. These are the same numbskulls who thought Jared lost all that weight by just eating at Subway. Turns out it was all the whacking off to child porn. Fitbits, etc are just this generations version of the treadmill. Something bought during the holidays with the best of intentions, but ultimately just ends up being decorated over with clothes.

Unsolicited Books. We all have that one daft aunt who thinks she “really knows” us. She wants to show this off by buying us a book we never asked for. Books are huge investments of time, especially if they don’t have lots of pictures or things to color in. Just because we flew in a plane doesn’t mean we would be fascinated by a book about aviation history. Just because Hamilton is the trendy play these days everyone pretends to love, doesn’t mean there is any real interest in reading a droll history of the man. No one really knows me well enough to buy me a book. If you really do know me, you know not to buy me a book.

Anything from Kohls that comes in a box under $10. No, just no. That shit is all $1.99 the day after Xmas anyway.

Anything that is a monthly subscription. How come I just can’t buy anything anymore? How come everything has to be a subscription? Razor blades, toothbrushes, dive bar shirt clubs (Why? Why do I want shirts sight unseen from bars I will never go to? I have a theory this one is all a scam and the “bars” are just made up.) dog toys, dinner, music, jelly? Why can’t I just buy a damn razor or download without being tethered to receiving another thing in a regular interval? (Clue; it’s because you’re much more likely to just receive the shipment than ever actually cancel it from your card.)

Alarm clocks. Can someone please explain to my why alarm clocks are still around? With the prevalence of smart phones, they are just not needed anymore. Put any bell and whistle you want on them (white noise, projection-because what helps you beat insomnia quicker than staring at a giant, illuminated clock on the ceiling as you can’t fall asleep?) Phones have pretty much killed off other things like GPS, radios, genuine human interaction, cameras-why are alarm clocks still around?

These aren't my grandchildren.

Facebook Portal. OK, so let me make sure I understand this. The dominant social media company that does all kinds of sketchy things with our personal data has introduced their very own camera? That can follow us around? Yea, this sounds safe. There’s a reason my FB password is ZuckerburgSucks. It’s also the same reason this blog has been receiving so little traffic from FB, too. Bastard. 

Romaine Lettuce. Obvi.

Anything alive. Really, I mean it. We can start at the deforestation of the Earth for something so trivial as “Christmas trees.” But, really, anything from a plant, to a fish, to a puppy/kitten, horse, actual children (both domestic and shithole countries.) It’s too much.

Cars. November to Election Day; offensive and unrealistic political ads. Election Day to New Year’s Day; offensive and unrealistic car ads. Like, seriously, has anyone here ever received an actual new car for Xmas? Even a beater car? No, because those things only happen in commercials, not to us ham and eggers who live paycheck to paycheck and whittle away what precious little time they have left over on a blog no one reads. One day I aspire to be at a point in life where I have a wife and a job where I can surreptitiously squirrel away enough money from her to buy her a car. If I can do that one year, then hiding the mistress the next should be a piece of cake. #squadgoals

Not shown; the side of the house he had to knock down to get the car into the living room

Ancestry.com C’mon people. You know who works for Ancestry? A bunch of Nigerian princes we’ve already sent money to. So let me get this one straight. These are for people who have absolutely zero going on in life, they to at least have to feel they sprang from noble stock in the past. This same stock would shed tears if they saw what a mess we are. All you do is send them in a swab of your spit There are just so many jokes I have for this part, I literally can’t decide which to use-

Can’t they just get that from the envelope?

Emily Ratajkowski can send in some of mine.

BYOING BYOINGBYOING

What if mine has some chaw in it?

So..if you ask for my girlfriend’s spit…..

Back on point, you just send them a swab of your spit, and, quite magically, your entire lineage comes back! Presto! Totes legit. Well, I got all uppity about this and send an undercover -and sexy! agent to the Ancestry office, and she revealed the cutting edge technology they use

You are Turkish.....and......Ugandan......and...

So trot out Kelly Ripa all you want, Ancestry and their ilk are likely scams. Oh, and guess what they do? They also sell your data. Their biggest finding so far? People who send money to Ancestry.com are stone fucking stupid. Sorry, Susan, you’re not really Navajo, enough with all the dream catchers on your desk. Really, at this point, you might as well throw away your money at DNA testing your dog.

Your move, Ancestry.

Dog DNA tests. Oh, FFS, we’re doing this now, too? This is an even bigger scam. “Oh my god! Sparky actually descended from one of the dogs in Turner and Hooch!” No, no, no. Please stop wasting your money on this. Send it to me; I will set up some bullshit Patreon site. In fact, with the first few patrons, I will roll that money right into an experiment where I send Theory Pup 2.0 saliva to Ancestry and my saliva to a dog DNA site. Science!

Pink Salt Lights. For every piece of evidence you can find from some POS “mommy blog” that goes on and on about the benefits of (Himalayan) pink salt lamps, I can point you to 50 fact based articles that declare them to be-scientifically put-pure hooey. I’m sure if you also wasted your money on a DNA test, your results would come back as “gullible and prone to nonsense.”

Sexy Handmaiden’s Tale costume. I don’t even watch the show, and even I know there’s something wrong with this. What’s that? They already pulled it? Damn! Uh…I mean, good. Not like I was saving it for a special occasion or anything. 

"Kev, do you ALWAYS have to have pictures of half naked girls in your blog?"
Yes, yes, I do, because it takes me 3 days to find just the right one.

Ugly Sweaters. There was a time, not that far ago, when people had holiday parties where you had to wear an ugly sweater. The idea was that you  had to go out, and find an actual, ugly sweater. By the droves, people would go to thrift stores -or their parents’ closets- to find sweaters that were at one time sorta fashionable, but currently termed “ugly.” As this rage grew, it became profitable for companies to premake “ugly sweaters.” Nowadays, you’re just a few clicks away from any number of licensed ugly sweaters; movies, sports, cartoons. Now they light up and play music. This really all defeats the original intention. Personally, I blame all the hipsters for ruining this. I blame them for a lot, actually.

Am I missing anything?

You GD know the next post will be titled Gifts Most of The Morons Who Make Up the General Public Need.

On an unrelated note, be on the lookout for my Amazon Gift List!!!!!!!

Why It's OK To Hate Xmas

Guys, we need to talk. Like, seriously. There seems to be this sentiment out there that we all have to love Xmas. ” It’s the most wonderful time of the year,” the song goes. Every commercial shows happy families greedily tearing open present after present. Meanwhile, there are starving kids in some Third World country wearing Atlanta Falcons Super Bowl Champions t-shirts. Yay holidays!

We spend hours and hours shopping in stores and in the few remaining malls. We waste our precious online time not on FailArmy videos, but shopping for even more shit for people we barely know. The driving, the weather, the people. And this is fun?

Literally, the first image that comes up for "I hate Xmas.'

Look, it’s time we take a stand. It’s OK to hate Xmas. In fact, I am pretty sure it’s in the Bible somewhere. Right after that story about the guy who built the boat and carefully wrangled exactly one male and female of every possible animal. So let’s break this shit down.

All The Xmas TV Movies Suck. I don’t wanna hear another one of you skirts ragging on Saw or movies starring the Rock as “being all the same.” If you can’t see the many layers of the Jigsaw character, you are stone stupid. That is just a fact, and science backs me up here. Yet it’s ok to hunker down on the couch in sweats any my hoodie, eating cookie dough and watching Lifetime and Hallmark channels all weekend. All those movies have the same damn plot. Some broad comes to some small town and saves Xmas.  Every damn time. Look, if you’re gonna watch this tripe at least do this. 

I might even watch with you. Especially if the girl in the movie is hot. Which happens quite often; just sayin’, fellas.

"This is the hand I jack off to you with."
"OK, ga-ross."

Last year, I forced myself to sit down and actually watch one of these Lifetime Xmas movies.

There Are People Who Think Die Hard Is Not a Xmas Movie. These people are to be avoided. For some, it doesn’t feel like the holiday season starts till they see Santa at the Macy’s parade. For people like me, the holidays don’t start till Hans Gruber is plummeting from Nakatomi Plaza. (SPOLIER ALERT! Oh, wait, I should have said that sooner? Screw that, the movie is like 40 years old.)

"But I still have Bed Bath & Beyond coupons! They're 20 per centtttttttt"

Your Family Always Has That One Weird Aunt or Uncle. What’s that you say? Your family doesn’t have one? Hate to break the news to you…

It's like looking in a mirror.

The Songs All Blow. How many freaking times do you need to hear GD Jingle Bells? Enough already! Just who the hell is "decking their halls?" And where do they get the boughs of holly? If Grandma wants to live by herself in the woods, she can stay there. Where’s all the GD Halloween songs?

Ugly Sweater Parties vs Halloween Parties. You decide where you'd rather be.

BYOOIINNGGGGG!!!

The Ugly Sweater Thing Is Over and Done. It used to be fun when you had to scour thrift stores for legit ugly sweaters that, at one time, someone thought passed for formal wear. Now, you can find premade ugly sweaters from your favorite team, band, movie, etc. Much like redheads, these sweaters are soulless. I blame the slacker hipsters for ruining this one.

Yea, we get it. You didn't even try.

There Is No Return on Investment. Like, literally. I’m not smart with money at all, and even I figured this out. Hate to be cold here, but Xmas lasts exactly as long as there are unopened presents. Once all the presents are opened, kiss my ass, I’m playing with all my new toys and games. It’s what Santa wants.

Think of all the time you spend running to stores to find “the perfect gift.” Think of the hours you spend  shopping on the computer when you could be doing better things, like reading this here blog. Then there’s all the wrapping. And, hey, let’s throw in a few parties we don’t want to go to. And let’s house all these cookies and bullshit. And Xmas is literally over in a flash. Presents opened. It’s the 26^th and you’re back to work because you blew what little paid time off you had in the summer on “mental health days.” Ho ho ho, dipshit.

Yes, OK, I know, Xmas is more than that. It’s the traditions. It’s the food. It’s the family and friends. But here’s my dream Xmas morning. Sleep late. Have traditional Xmas waffles. Open presents. See family for as long as I can tolerate, while trying to figure out who our weird uncle is. Return home and bask in my presents. Watch A Christmas Story a few more times.

The Santa Thing is Getting Kind of Creepy. As someone who doesn’t have children (you’re all welcome.), isn’t this everything you breeders tell your kids not to do? Let me get this straight. You take your spawn to meet an old man-a stranger- in the mall? Then you tell little Johnny or Neaveh (and enough with that name, BTW.) to sit on the strange man’s lap? Wha wha WHA? And said old man-rumored to be an actual saint in some corners-promises to lay lavish gifts on the child if they’re “good?” He sees them when they’re sleeping, he knows when they’ve been naughty or nice? Then, jolly old Santa breaks into your house? Um, excuse me a minute as I get on top of my soapbox here:

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE????

That scenario is far scarier than anything on Halloween. Next thing you’ll tell me is there is some creepy fairy that pays them for discarded body parts.

The Hustle and Bustle Sucks. First off, at what other time of year do we use the term “bustle? ”Just what is bustle and why does it get into my hedgerow?  For 4 or 5 weeks, all these nudnicks get in my way; in the store, in the supermarket, in the liquor store, on the roads. Get out of my GD way. And where’s my jetpack? I was told we’d have jetpacks by now.

Enough With the Fake Niceness. Yes, we’re all supposed to be happy and full of the holiday spirit. But what is worse is the people who pretend to have it. They go way over the top to mask their massive unhappiness of being surrounded by assholes for a month. I feel ya there. (That’s what she said.)

Xmas Trees Support the Deforestation of the Planet. You monsters.

Merry Frickin' Xmas, jackals.

Xmas Is Just Rampant Consumerism. Sheeple! You’re only funding the multi-national corporations. Plus, I had the Kevolution Theory Bureau of Statistics tell me that 64% of Xmas gifts never get used properly. 64%! That’s like almost 65%! Yay! Let’s get more crap we don’t need!

You know what we should be doing instead? Giving to charity. Does Cousin Dupree really need a $20 novelty piece of shit you picked up last minute from the Kohls because you forgot he existed? No. Your money is far better spent-as well as karma earned-if you throw a couple of bucks to Music and Memory, who helps people like Henry.

Mistletoe. In this climate we’re living in, how is mistletoe even still a thing? What horny old man-and you KNOW it was a horny old man-came up with this? It was probably some pervy ol’ mistletoe farmer, if such an occupation ever existed. “I know, I’ll invent some custom where I hang mistletoe up. And any pretty ol' lady that wanders under it will have to get a peck on the cheek. And then I jam my tongue down her throat! Brilliant!” How are all these uppity social justice warriors not raging against stores that sell mistletoe, mistletoe balls or even the classy mistletoe belt buckle? Which I may or may not be wearing right now. Ladies? Ladies? Hello?

The Car Commercials. OK, quick impromptu poll. By a show of hands-preferably the one not holding your drink-have you ever gifted anyone with a car?

(No hands raised.)

Uh huh, uh huh. Ok, class, again by a show of hands, have you ever been given a car for Xmas?

(Still no hands raised.)

Ah hah! As I thought. The Kevolution Theory Bureau of Statistics show none of us have ever gotten a new car for Xmas. Can we please get rid of these offensively unrealistic car commercials? (In fact, this will be part of my presidential platform. #VoteForKev2020) In what Valhalla do these families exist where they buy cars for each other? And if you notice, the people still get regular presents in the house! WTF is this madness? Wouldn’t you be kinda pissed that your spouse somehow took out enough money under your nose, they could buy you a car and you never even realized the money was gone? I have a theory about these commercial couples; the one that bought the car has been having/wants to have an affair with the neighbor. The car is just a way to soothe their conscience. Try watching those commercials now, you cheating bastard.

No One Eats Candy Canes Anymore. I have another theory that there hasn’t been a new candy cane made in years. They just recycle the ones no one wanted this year for next. Kinda like the salad at your favorite restaurant.

Tastes like 2016.

Xmas Cards. Again, what a spectacular waste of resources. If you send me a Xmas card, you should just address it to Kevolution Theory Trashcan so the mailman knows where to put it. I don’t even open them. I don’t send them. I truly don’t care if you send me a card, we’re square either way. Just don’t expect a Xmas card from me. Or a birthday card. Or a Father’s Day card. Or a condolence card. I say the same things about holidays as I do when I bounce; Kev don’t card.

Speaking of cards, enough with the creepy cards of just your kids. Chances are I barely know you, so why the blue hell do I wanna see your kids? I want to see YOU. What you look like now. I want to see who you married. Yes, it’s shallow, but it’s human nature. Whenever you send a card with your kids, you are telling the world, “I am now repugnant, hopefully my kids won’t end up like me.” You have given up in life. May god have mercy on your children.

Reindeer Boob. Yea, you’d think I’d be all about the wimmen folk exposing their boobs. Plus, I’m a pretty big perv, too. (Yes, I really am wearing a mistle toe belt buckle now, and no one in this book store seems to be obliging.) But I don’t know how I feel about this one yet.

A lil' somethin' for the ladies.

So, did I miss anything?

Kevolution Theory Approved Christmas Covers

OK, so in my last post, I boggled your head with some original Xmas songs. I know a lot of you are traditionalists, and really do like the standards. I can appreciate that; to a degree I do, too. But if you think I'm playing Billy Squier or Mariah Carey, you are sadly mistaken. So in this post, I'll lay out some overlooked takes on the songs you've heard a kajillion times.

Best Christmas Traditional Songs

So I will make your first few choices easy, seeing as how you're probably wrapping up last minute shopping or last minute wrapping. Maybe making the cookies, telling your girl to shut the hell up because you're a man watching football during fantasy championship week or into your fourth egg nog. I have found a handful of albums-yes, whole albums-that could bear the Kevolution Theory Seal of Approval once I get around to creating such a thing.

Brian Setzer Orchestra. While this isn't the place for me to rave about how important a guitarist and singer Setzer is (Quick; name another performer who heralded two distinct different styles of music to the main stream other than Setzer. FAIL! You can't.) this is the place for me to tell you pretty much all the BSO albums can appeal to everybody. Sinatra lovers, big band and swing types. There really ins't much in the market like this, and the Squirrel Nut Zippers can go screw themselves. At this point, BSO is reaching into the semi obscure numbers, and this is one of my favorites. Giddy up, partner.

Chris Isaak. OK, this is one of my favorite Xmas albums. Why? Because it sounds like summer. if you're gonna cram a bunch of standards down my throat, at least make it sound like we're sitting on the beach in Baja. So if you're down with that, this is the album for you. Keeping in that vein, here's "Mele Kalikimaka"

(Sidebar, when I hear "Mele Kalikimaka", I can't be the only one that thinks of this, right?)

Merry Christmas indeed! Now, where was I?

Sarah McLachlan. Yea, I know. But here's the deal, (and this is all based on her first Xmas album, not this new B & N exclusive) your girl will pretty much melt if you break this out. It's inoffensive enough to not piss anyone off. And Sarah has a talent and style that sets her contemporaries in the genre. Most of it is mellow, too, so it's a good "I'm drinking alone and getting blasted to these stark Xmas songs" kinda album. Wait. No one else does that? OK, never mind, carry on. Throwing a dart at the board, here's "Christmas Time is Here."

Frank Sinatra. The Chairman, Ol' Blue Eyes. I am a huge Sinatra fan, and his Xmas stuff might just be my favorite. No one does it like Frank. The BSO stuff above is a fine, but it just can't compare with Frank. All his holiday stuff takes you back to such a simpler time; when a dame actually had to slap you in the face to turn you down, no swiping left. I have just a few actual holiday traditions. One is to tell all the kids in line waiting for mall Santa that he isn't real. But my other favorite holiday tradition is to bundle up at night, and take the Theory Pup out for a walk to look at the lights. And Sinatra's Xmas songs is the only thing I play. "Silent Night" is allegedly the last song he ever recorded. Supposedly, he knew his time was short. Even though "The Voice" had left him, he laid out a beautiful delivery. To flush out the arrangement, they assembled every living member of his bands they could find, under the direction of Junior. Awesome, just awesome.

Twisted Sister. Yes, think what you want, but this is a fun album and it's exactly what you'd expect. Fun video as well, in the vein of Van Halen's "Hot For Teacher." I'm not feeling tardy, either.

OK, so to wrap up; you pretty much can't go wrong with full albums by Sinatra, Brian Setzer Orchestra, Chris Isaak, Sarah McLachlan and Twisted Sister. What's that? You want more? You greedy bastards. Fine, here's some more.

Hands downs, this might be my favorite Xmas song ever. The Pretenders "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas." For some reason, I feel their "2000 Miles" cover gets more play, but it blows in comparison. Why do I like this song? Well, because, musically, it doesn't really sound like an Xmas song. And that slide guitar effect isn't something you hear everyday, let alone in holiday tunes. And, man, to me, it sounds freaking depressing. What's not to like?

So, apparently, I only have two favorite Xmas songs? No, I gotz more.

Cocteau Twins are another cult favorite of mine. And either you like them, or you have no bloody idea what singer Elizabeth Frazier is singing about. Which makes sense, since most of the time she was singing gibberish. But, they did two Xmas songs, "Winter Wonderland" and "Frosty the Snowman." Personally, I don't like the Frosty song, but, damn, they make it work. Video is unofficial, but trippy as hell.

Honorable mention for The Smithereens. Another cult band of mine (hey, go get your own blog, then talk about your favorite bands) hailing from the dirty Jerz. Sure, everyone thinks Bruce and Bon Jovi, but The Smithereens held onto a true bar band sound longer than those others. They did the Rudolph double dip, and your intrepid writer slightly prefers this one.

When it's Xmas time, and you think Bryan Adams, you generally think two things. 1) Why dafuq am I thinking about Bryan Adams when I need to buy something for Cousin Eddy and 2) "Something About Xmas Time." And while I will give you, "Something About Xmas Time" is a fine song, everyone seems to forget about this awesome visual of a Canadian singing "Reggae Xmas." I'm guessing this is a cover, since, you know he is Canadian. Pee Wee Herman appearance in the vid, and, GD, Adams sure sounds clear with no mic. Just sayin'.

As far as novelty songs go, this one still cracks me up. Every time. Stations need to play this, and not the Mariah Carey dreck, as I am sure this song will foster more goodwill to man.

Obligatory.

No Xmas celebration is official without my man The Grinch.

So, there you go. A few off beat, obscure Christmas songs you haven't heard a billion times. Now finish that last minute wrapping, find the mistletoe belt buckle, spend time with those that mean something to you and listen to some good music.

Kevolution Theory Approved Original Christmas Music

You guys know me by now. You guys know I hate freaking Xmas. So it's not a huge leap to make the assumption I also hate Xmas music. Well, I do. I mean, c'mon people, how many times do you need to hear "Jingle Bells" before you want to murder an elf? But there's always exceptions. Yes, even though I hate Xmas music, I do know a handful of originals that are actually worth your time. And I know what of I speak, as my musical taste is superior to yours. Far superior. As a barometer, if you think Paul McCartney's "Having a Wonderful Xmas Time" is a good song, just go away and please don't further your DNA. The world has enough problems.

The best original Christmas Songs

So, as I await your gifts to me, in addition to all the humor I have brought to your life in the face of a vicious 2016, I am giving you a few more gifts. Below are KT approved original Xmas songs to freshen up your weary playlists. Be warned, some of these err to the mellow -or too mellow-for some folks taste's. Big surprise, a guy who doesn't like Xmas like sad Xmas songs. You may know some of these artists, you may not. I'm not doing a deep dive on most of this, so the music can do the talking. As far as I known, all of these are originals, though I may be wrong. My favorite covers will be another post, you you jackoffs already owe me TWO presents.Also, I have discovered a strange fetish of GIS "sexy girls in Santa hats." Not every girl can pull it off, but the ones that do? Oh my. Anyway...

"Hi, I'm No, and this is my sister Nope."

I will preface these first few by saying The Blue Nile is absolutely one of my favorite bands of all time. (You heard me Kanye.) Unfortunately, they only put out 4 albums in their 22+ year existence. Most of their stuff is slow, mellow, meloncholy-right up my alley for Xmas. This is a b-side. If you like this, I like you, and it's worth your time to try a few other songs.

Bonus points for the Blue Nile, as this song takes place on Xmas Eve, and I usually find a way to play it. (Like writing about it.) Super mellow and a downer of a song. My favorite style for the holidays.

Slit your wrists yet? No? OK, let's keep the maudlin going. For the life of me, I don't know why this is considered an Xmas song, but it has shown up on a few Xmas compilations in the mid to late 90s, and kills me every time.

Drinking yet? I am. Mad Elf. So let's get to a song about drinking during the holidays by Philadelphia based artist Matt Santry. Bonus points for animated video.

Well, it turns out Santry has another cool Xmas one. Double shot! If you went to Catholic school, you'll appreciate this. If not, you'll be damn grateful.

A sultry little jazzy number here, full of the best entendres-double entendres!

More double shots! Rhode Island based Pat McGee, daring you to find a better Xmas song with a horn and banjo.

And, no, this is NOT the Wham song. That's another song that blows. This one is far better. Go ahead, try to disagree with me.

Heather Nova-another top five of mine that pretty much no one has heard of. She rarely tours America because she lives in the Bahamas, and who would ever freaking want to leave there? Angel of a voice and a cheery song. Bonus points for a fully produced video. There's some truth to the rumor I started that she wrote this song about me.

From angel to devil. It's Spinal Tap and "Christmas With the Devil."Pretty sure my parents make out to this song. Love the Tap. Little known fact about me; I own those same pair of pants as Derek Smalls.

A newer entry for cool new Xmas music. Level of difficulty; contains the Killers and Owen Wilson, neither of who I am a fan of. But Dawes is pretty legit, and that is mostly the sound. Cool video, but-surprise-a bit of a downer.

Welp, that's the best I can do for a quick and dirty holiday type post that writers seem obligated to de. Perhaps a volume two will be in order. Next year.

The Saddest Place During Christmas; The Mall

Whoever said this is the “happ-happiest time of the year” is a liar. A filthy, dirty liar. Well, the blog subtitle is “Saying what needs to be said” and this needs to be said.

So why am I writing a post like this at this time of the year? 1) Because it needs to be expressed and 2) did you really expect anything less of me on Xmas week? This isn’t some fantastical Hallmark Channel movie, kids.

 And really, this is the result of a visit to one of the saddest places on the face of the Earth; the Mall. 

Santa went to the Taco Bell, kids. He'll be back Thursday.

OK, I will frame this by saying it’s Tuesday, December 20^th, about noon. So if you’re at the mall, it’s either on your lunch break or you had to eat a personal day to (start and) finish your shopping. (Or you’re unemployed, but no one cares about the jobless on Xmas.) As I enter the mall (which I haven’t been into in ages), one thing is bloody apparent; no one is smiling. Not one shopper. Not one retail employee. Not. One. Whatever Disneyland is purportedly to happiness, the American Mall Xmas week is the exact same for unhappiness. 

"This...is...bullshit."

It conflicts with my laid back, almost surfer-like attitude. I don’t deal well with the “hustle and bustle.” I don’t like dealing with crowds. It’s just a lot of work for negligible return on investment. All this shopping, hustling and bustling, and Xmas just goes by. I’m left holding some new socks, a full belly and sick of everyone.

So where was I? The mall, right. Apparently, this mall has one of the last remaining Sears in existence. I enter through Sears, where I see a healthy amount of shoppers, and almost zero employees. From here, I enter the mall itself. Where there also appears to be a healthy amount of shoppers, I don’t really know how to tell. And like I said, no one is happy. There’s even jackoffs wearing Santa hats that are unhappy. I’m at the mall because I have to buy a girlie calendar for my brother.

Like, I can't even tell what month this is. But I'm not really complaining.

 It’s tradition that we buy each other girlie calendars. I’m pretty sure the Currier and Ives mentioned in “Sleigh Ride” were actually early nudie photographers. The more you know, right?

Right.

I enter on the first floor because that’s where the store I needed to go to used to be. Last year. Since then, it has seen fit to further my rage with the mall during the holidays by moving ALL THE WAY to the third floor. Bloody hell. Since I have some walking to do, I decide to put myself squarely in the river of holiday shoppers to see what I discern. Maybe I am missing something here. Maybe I have been wrong all these years, and I just need some time to see the true beauty of the holida…..

Nope, no, fuck it. I see people clearly spent. I see grown men wandering around like they are zombies. I see young children running about loose. Their parents probably just leave and let the mall work that problem out.

"Mommy said to stay."

I walk by the court where Santa and Mrs. Claus are. Does Mrs. Claus have a first name? Doris? Phyllis? Beyonce? I don’t know, so we’ll just call her Mrs. C. (On an unrelated note, I used to have a teacher we called Mrs. C, but her last name certainly wasn’t Claus ifyaknowwhatImean.) The Claus’ are true pros; they are smiling and seem genuinely happy. I imagine it’s because they roofied each other at the start of their shift, and they know in less than a week they’re vacationing in the Keys. I wind my way around to the escalators to get to the third floor. As I get to the third floor, I am shocked about how you never hear of any jumpers in this mall. I can’t imagine there are many three story malls left these days. And this is certainly the time of year for that sort of thing. I wonder if ‘mall security’ is trained to even spot potential jumpers. I mean, I was openly sobbing like a widow for a good twenty minutes, and no one ever checked on me. I compose myself and walk past the Bath and Bodyworks store. I see about half a dozen husbands just staring down at the first floor. The mall might want to move this store down to the first floor, just sayin'.

"This....is...bullshit."

Like an assassin, I was in and out. And I wish I was an assassin, because I could have used a firearm in the parking lot. While it wasn’t overly crowded, drivers were still finding creative ways to be assholes. Parking, not using turn signals, not looking when they pulled out in traffic. I think the best thing most people can get for Xmas is a freaking clue.

So I had escaped the saddest place during Christmas. I feel lucky, for all I know, there could be folks that just get trapped there and never leave; doomed to never find where they parked their car or desperately trying to redeem their mall bonus points for something at Orange Julius. I can rest easy; for the half naked girl on my calendar says I don’t have to go back for another year.