Real World Superpowers I Wish I Had

"Still, Kev, the answer is no. The Captain does not date below General."

Look, I like super hero movies as much as the next guy. I don’t necessarily love them, nor do I feel the need to see every single one that comes out for FOMO. Just like everyone else, I enjoy fit and attractive people running around in cool costumes thwarting evil doers through massive plot holes. However, aren’t we kinda getting to the point where it’s all the same thing? How many times can a super hero “save” the world at the same time entire cities are destroyed and countless thousands of lives are lost? “Good news, Avengers! You saved the world! Again! However, you wiped out southern California.” Which, on second thought, sounds like a fair deal. What I don’t get is when these Meet Ups of super heroes like the Avengers and Justice League are established, why are any of these heroes working alone ever again? Like, if shit is going down, why can’t Batman call up Superman and be all “Yo Holmes, since we’re all cool now and we’ve established our moms have the same name, I got shit hitting the fan here in Gotham. Can you fly in, and we can fix this in 10 minutes?”

"No, no, I'm fine with you keeping the mask on."

I’m kinda bummed, because with every nerdgasm/nerd outrage that comes with every super hero movie, there never seems to be any love cast on a great little series called Kick Ass. Down to earth, real (my god, you mean these heroes actually get beaten up, bruised and hurt?) and really, really funny. Plus, Night Bitch is kinda my cosplay fantasy, IF I ever have to have one. 

Also, the cartoon version of the Tick? Hello? SPOON! Way better than those two shitty live action reboots that I had no interest in watching, so I am therefore blindly ascribing the “shitty” tag to.

With my timeline getting all blown up over a heroine I’ve never hear of named Captain Marvel (so I guess her and Captain America have the exact same rank in the super hero Army?), it got me to thinking, what if I had super powers? No, not the made up and hellacool super powers like flying, being invisible, shooting webs, looking good in a cape and able to run in heels. 

I am talking “super powers” that would help me out in real life. Super powers like:

Ability to actually make someone have a good day.  When I go to the liquor store, and I can tell the cashier has just been beaten down by all the belligerent, drunk asshole before me. How great would it be, if I could grant him a great day? Like, everything goes right for him the rest of the day. He goes to bed recalling all the good, and none of the negativity.

Conversely…

Ability to make someone have a shitty day. I am a vengeful super hero. With great power comes great responsibility and all. So, here’s to you, Mr. Asshole driver cutting everyone off, because of Super Kev, the rest of your day is gonna suck a big ol’ dick.

Ability to hit all green lights

Ability to iron. There are some heroes among us who actually possess this mystical super power, I do not. When I do travel, I have to use Craig’s List to pay someone to come to my room and ….iron. I fear one of these days it will backfire on me, and I will either get rolled or unwittingly get involved in a sex for hire situation. Like Robert Kraft.

Ability to repopulate the kitchen. Open the fridge, there is no food and a moldy bottle of OJ. Close the door. Open it again and -bang! ZOMG Little Caesar’s Pretzel Crust Pizza!

I do possess the ability to change beer to piss. I would like to have the ability to change piss back into beer. Oh, wait, that already exists; it’s called Coors Light. BURN!

Ability to read a woman’s mind. OK, now I know I’m really reaching for super powers here. I’ll settle for

The ability to mind meld with dogs. I would love to know what they think. They seem to have the whole live in the moment thing figured out. I would love to wire into Theory Pup 2.0s head and explain to him how lucky he is to be loved, doted on, provided for, fed, sheltered. I could have him walk himself, and also have him pick up a delicious soft pretzel crust pizza on the way back. And then I would tell him to stop being a raging dickhead with all the eating of furniture. Also, I would train dogs to undo bikinis

Ability to pick the fastest line. I currently possess the opposite power; the needless skill to pick the slowest line at everything; tolls, stores, lanes on the highway. There have been times when I’ve been next in a line, and STILL saw people behind me in other lines get through faster.

Ability to have the Browns win the Super Bowl. Hmm….let me look at that whole read women’s’ minds thing again.

Ability to actually smack some sense into people. I know, so obvious, yet so awesome right? I think we all have that one friend that clearly lacks common sense at times. They could use a swift reality check. And that comes in the form of a bitch slap. Like, a long, reaching back delivery, with a wide open, yet stiff hand, to slap about the jaw. Like, “Wake the fuck up, dude/dudette!”

Ability to no longer have hangovers. In researching this one, I reached out to my elders; you know, people over 40. And they all pretty told me you have about 30 good years before your body starts to betray you. There’s aches and pains where previously there were none. You pee 2-3 times a night. Vision and hearing start to decline. Also, your ability to recover from ANYTHING takes far longer. So, keep that in mind and plan for your lost day after a lost night.

What real world super powers would you like to have?

 DVD Bonus Material

This blog came about as an innocent joke took root:

I don’t know what Captain Marvel is, but I sure as f*ck am looking forward to this Halloween.

I know, solid joke, right? And yes, sometimes using ‘f*ck’ instead of ‘fuck’ just seems to be funnier, or at least make the joke more palatable for some folks. 

Anyway, it led me to thinking about what powers would I like to use in everyday life. And seeing as how Captain Marvel opened with $160 million in it’s first weekend (of which I am sure 90% of ticket buyers had no previous clue who CM is, but just saw a super hero looking cool running around and being all super hero-y), it lead me to strike while the iron is hot, and post a CM themed post.

Deleted scenes

Also, a solid joke that went unused:

Now, all these people -guys, mostly-want to know who would win in a fight; Wonder Woman or Captain Marvel?

The answer is Kleenex. Kleenex would win that fight.

And what's the deals with capes? When and why did they pretty much get to be mandatory wardrobe for almost every hero? What practicality do they serve? What other job necessitates a cape being worn? Are there accountants somewhere that wear capes to work? Nurses? Construction workers? Architects? If I'm a super hero, the last thing I want to do in my ass kickery is to tie a big ass sheet to my neck. How caped super heroes aren't always breaking their necks is beyond me.

True Story

One year for Halloween, I was already so disillusioned by super heroes, I went out as my own; Super Kev. I even had my mom make me a Super Kev shirt and cape. The logo was a simple white square with a black K in it. Looking back, I am pretty sure this is where my rebellious spirit and independent thinking started to take place. I'm sure my mom was kinda proud of me, too. I still have the costume, and writing this post lead me to drag the costume out. And guess what? It still fits. Maybe that's because my mom made it for me last year.

Lies I Told at Thanksgiving 2018

I don't like people. Doesn't matter if they are related to me or not. So, sometimes, being forced into actual conversation, I have to say some outlandish things just to survive. Things like:

We should all get together more often.

Good to know.

Oh, her? Yea, I dumped her ass. Last I heard, she got married to some guy with an accent named Harry and he knocked her up.

I don’t know what time all the football games start today.

I watched that Monday night game. Every second of it.

Regardless, I think we can all be glad the Eagles finally won a Super Bowl. Philly is a great sports town and deserved it.

This was actually from their last Thanksgiving game.

I got that promotion at work, I got several, actually.

My blog is wildly successful.

Is....is...that what I think it is on their heads? 

I don’t know who clogged your toilet.

Ha! I already started my Xmas shopping

.

You losing weight?

Google "sexy pilgrim" and this is what you get.

Your thoughts on politics are fascinating. You need to put more of them on Facebook.

Benching 350 these days.

I ran a 5K this morning.

Please consider this an homage, Dave.

These yams are delish.

That wasn’t me; pretty sure it was the dog. She musta got into some bad scraps or something.

You mean you haven’t seen Hamilton? I’ve seen it. Twice. Got a Groupon.

No, I’m pretty sure I wore something different last year. I own more than one good shirt and one casual pair of pants, I’ll have you know.

Wait, you said you don’t have rum?! And there are screaming kids here? I mean, don’t worry about it, it’s all good. I’ll be fine.

I won’t be the drunk uncle this year.

I’m probably just gonna hole up and watch Hallmark Xmas movies all weekend. They are all just so unique and different and creative. I can’t get enough!

No, that's not a naked girl on my phone. This isn't even my phone. I think it's Dad's. Yo Dad, what up with this, dog?

The Best Super Bowl 51 Jokes

Wait a minute, your night ain't over, Champ. Sure, The Big Game is over, but the jokes aren't. Instead of posting all these beauts on social media, and them getting lost, I put 'em all here! In one place! So grab that Gatorade. Since I believe your recollection of the game to be "foggy at best" after all those beers, wings, nachos, poppers and secret shots you swiped from your hosts' liquor cabinet. I even have these chronologically, so it's like watching the Game all over again with your funniest, sharpest, smartest friend!  And here we go!

"I got the 0 and 0 block in the pool! Woot woot!"

PREGAME

Y’all should be protesting Budwesier because it’s a shitty beer is all I’m sayin’.

That's actually going IN to his mouth.

Instead of plowing down nachos and wings at every commercial break, I’ll be doing 10 pushups and 10 burpees. (This is how #AlternateFacts works, right?)

At halftime, the Patriots are leading and somehow the Browns are losing.

Hate on Joe Buck all you want, he could be worse. He could say, “Any now let’s got to Tony Siragusa.

"They're really hitting hard down here, guys."

The conspiracy theorist in me suspects the Super Bowl is just a front for the chicken wing barons.

Hmm, Eli Manning is at the game. Tom Brady seem mumbling, "ohhh shittt" under his breath.

I wonder if Tom Brady wore his "recovery sleepwear" last night? A true steal at a hundred frigging dollars!?! I don't think I could sleep if I knew I blew a Franklin on a shirt that was supposed to help me sleep in the first place. And why in the blue hell would you want to sleep next to freaking Giselle Bundchen??

"You spent how much on what??"

I appreciate that Spike is countering the Super Bowl with an all night marathon of Cops, then Jail. They just might as well do live shows from Boston and Atlanta tonight.

I wish Ving Rhames would narrate a day at my job.

Let's take a live look into what Buffalo fans are doing...

Aw, snap! You crazy Buffalo kids never change.

I don't know who Luke Bryan is, but I'm gonna hazard a guess he is everything that is wrong with country music and that's the first time he's sung without wearing a nasty ass old ball cap.

Is there any big budget movie where the world DOESN'T get blown up?

George Bush flipping a coin to make a decision is probably not the first President to do so.

FIRST QUARTER

Seeing as how I won a Fantasy league this year, I can imagine what these guys are feeling right now.

I am pretty sure that fly by was taped earlier. How would you know? 

Natty Ice better have some back end deal with Matt Ryan if he wins.

Maybe if they put as much work into commercials the rest of the year, they would sell more products?

Pretty sure today is Day 3 of a four day weekend in Atlanta and Boston.

Anyone else believe Arnold Schwa...Swart....Arnold has never played Mobile Strike in his life?

That's Julian Edelman's wife. No joke here. That's his wife.

0-0 at the end of one. BORING! Is there a hockey game on? I am sure all the Canadian teams are playing against each other.

SECOND QUARTER

Justin Bieber and Terrel Owens should not be on the same commercial together. I would think there's some sort of rule about how much "suck" can be in one commercial.

Freeman is the first player to score a TD. His jersey number? 24. That's some shrewd cross promotion there, Fox.

How late am I staying up tonight?

That is not the first time a good strip had lead to a solid score, ifyaknowwhatImean.

This game has been so bad, I'm actually peeing when Brady has the ball.Thank god this Dorito bag is empty.

After three holding penalties in a row, they really just call the next 3rd down "third and a hold."

Atlanta runs back a pick 6. Brady seen throwing a flag he had hidden in his jersey, looking for another holding call.

Did I miss the memo that said, "No funny commercials" this year. WTF? I can't do all the heavy lifting here.

"My eyes are up here."

This is apparently Danny Amendola's girlfriend. No wonder he usually has good hands.

At the end of the half it's Atl 21 NE 3. I wonder if that's the same score at the White House.

At the half, somehow the Browns are losing, too.

HALFTIME

Read my Gaga review. I swear, I don't know with the kids and their music these days. I guess Whitesnake and Marilyn Manson are passe these days. And I would damn sure check the field. A certain team could hide certain items to adjust the pressure of certain things in a certain way. But I can't be certain.

THIRD QUARTER

Sexy Mr. Clean will haunt my dreams tonight. What happened to the sickeningly skinny girls eating the calorie bomb Carl's Jr burgers for some eye bleach?

That's what I'm talkin' about. Quick trivia about these commercials; apparently there are hamburgers in them! I will have to watch again.

Atlanta scores another 7. It's not 28-3. Boston is ready to burn, Fox is ready to start 24 early.

Somewhere in a Kansas City Cracker Barrel, Andy Reid is going, "I like Belichick's play calling here."

Speaking of, Eagles fans are so desperate for a championship, they are now claiming Matt Ryan since he was born near Philly. No, dipshits, that's not how it works.

It only takes 43 minutes for the Patriots to score. AAANNDDDD Gost misses the kick.

Suddenly, Ryan's helmet stops working, he's sacked on the very next play. Hmmm....

FOURTH QUARTER

This game is just not good. It's not exciting, it's quite boring and the commercials suck. I guess this is what it's like to watch the World Series.

Pretty sure it was Dan Quinn who out Belichicked Belichick by flying Eli in first class.

Eli Manning; New York Giants Walter Payton Man of The Year recipient.

Eli Manning: Atlanta Falcons Walton Payton Man of The Year recipient.

8:24 to go and Atlanta turns it over for the first time in the playoffs. Brady sacked on following play. Drunks in Boston and Atlanta start to brown back in now. Amendola scores, Pats direct snap the two point conversion. We have a game, world still hates Pats fans, sky is blue, water is wet.

If I'm Dan Quinn (the Atlanta coach, please tell me you know that by now), I'm telling Ryan (you know who he is, right?) audible "OMAHA!" every play. Even runs.

Here is where the game will be won. If Atlanta plays to win, they will win. If they play to not lose, they will lose.

3:30 to go, Pats with the ball, down by 8. 2 plays and no flags against the Falcons. Pats convert the following 3rd and 10. The amounts of people calling out of work in Atlanta and Boston sky rockets.

Edelman makes awesome catch to keep drive alive. Anti Pats fans-you know, like everybody- groans like they've been here before.

This-no

This- yes

A million times, yes. And, oh yea, Patriots score, blah blah blah. Tie ball game.

The Atl back up QB bears a more than passing resemblance to Eli Manning.

And this is the first OT Super Bowl game. I'm glad I don't have any money on this game. Because I lost it all on the Puppy Bowl.

The heartbreak one team will suffer will only be made worse by the inevitable, hilarious memes that will soon follow.

Hallmark Christmas Movie Review; Christmas Incorporated

In case you missed Part One, you can read it here. And even if you did read Part One, so much has gone on since Monday, you probably forgot about it already. Whatevs. So the one condition I had was the girl had to be cute.

Fellas, this is Shenae. 

It's like striking out with six girls all at once.

Ah, what a sweet Southern Belle name Shenae is. Well, it turns out she’s from Canada. And that’s pretty hot, too. If she looks familiar, it’s because she was on the 90210 “reboot” a few years ago. (Don’t act like you didn’t watch. And that you still would to Jennie Garth.) In fact, more cursory research-my favorite kind of half ass research here-reveals just about all the actresses on the new 90210 have done some of these Xmas movies. The movie I will toothpick my eyes open for is called Christmas Incorporated. Description is:

Sometimes, life just seems to hand you exactly what you need – particularly at Christmastime. In this new yuletide tale, Riley is scraping bottom when she miraculously lands a job with a wealthy New York City entrepreneur. He’s a bad-boy socialite type who is poised to play Scrooge by closing one of his factories just before Christmas, which would devastate and entire town. It’s left to Riley to talk him out of it and turn him into a man of virtue rather than shame. But will a case of mistaken identity ruin the whole plan?

Everything you’d need to know about this “movie” is here.

I guess this dude passes as good looking? I don’t know what the hell passes for “good looking” with the ladies today. He looks kinda nerdy and geeky to me, but I am easily jealous. Since I am being judgmental, Shenae was much better as a redhead. I guess some might say I have a thing for reds. But the dark hair ain’t working for me, and I will be sure to let her know in the next 500 Tweets I send to her.

The movie starts at 2 PM. My guess is I will want to start drinking at 2:05. But that’s OK, because I am unemployed, and pretty much do that regardless of day anyway. Onto my review and thoughts.

Trust me when I tell you this will be far more entertaining than the actual movie. I think it’s gonna take me longer to write my critique of this movie than the hack who actually wrote it. Note to self; write my own realistic Xmas movie where there isn’t always the “Xmas miracle” at the end. Get hot chick to star. Ka-ching!

Open, stock shots, of NY, cut to interview. Shenae plays Riley Vance. Riley gets shot down for a great job because she is unemployed, I feel ya, sister. She gets a hot tip to interview with William Young, who, of course, has just inherited his father’s company. Our, heroine, Riley, gets the job, but-shocker-her interviewer confuses her with another Riley (that happens in stripper clubs a lot, too), Riley Van Allen.  Our Riley never lets on, and we never know what happened to Riley Van Allen. Maybe she ended up a corpse on the ID Channel or something.

Of course, William is contemplating closing down the flagship factory. Next thing we know, Riley is flying her way to Dover, the requisite small town being kept afloat by the toy factory. Yup, like this shit happens in real life. Fill in the blanks, hack writers.

William doesn’t like Xmas of course, so I am with him. Willy doesn’t fly he wants to drive-his motorcycle. Rebel. On his way into town, William gets pulled over by what can best be described as the “local-yokel” officer. William takes his helmet off, and of course, perfect hair. It is noted, he has no luggage what so ever. Dunderhead William didn’t bring his ID, so he gets taken to jail. If he can’t even carry ID, how can he run this company? The local paper runs a headline how William already got arrested his first 5 minutes in Dover. I don’t like his chances….

First commercial break shows an ad for what has to be another horrible Xmas movie starring another girl I am pretty sure was the brunette in the new 90210. Is there some sort of clause in their contracts? 

It’s 20 minutes in and no drink yet. I think I should get some sort of chip for this.

Riley takes William to the house she’s rented. He hates Xmas and demands all the decorations she put up be taken down. You da man, Willy! Not shown, William watching Riley seductively bending and stretching while she writhes to take down all the decorations. At least that how I would have written it.

William says his parents weren’t around for Xmas. Um, yea, maybe because they were busy running the family toy business and affording your lavish lifestyle, you dickhead. You don’t deserve my sweet Riley, even with her dark hair.

There’s a nosy town reporter starting to take pictures. This could be trouble. Rilliam-as I now call Riley and William-head to the factory. Cue montage of William and Riley touring the toy factory.

Now I’m no expert here, but when I see the factory is making wood toys, magnifying glasses and teddy bears, no one should be shocked it’s going under. The cup and ball segment has shrunk since the 1920s. Where’s the drones and X Boxes and smart watches? At one point, Riley says, “Nothing is impossible at Xmas time!” I think I just puked in my mouth a little bit. Riley comes up with an idea that-of course-can lead the factory to profitably.

The town is just happening to have it’s 114^th Winter Carnival. The mayor cajoles William to be grand marshal. It looks like this ‘carnival’ is taking place in an alleyway, this town really is kinda shitty. Another local yokel immediately heckles William, and asks if he’s going to close down the factory. William waffles like a true politician.

Riley gets bummed out that William choked, so she does what any cute girl does-sit by herself on a park bench. Then a “Santa” just happens to come by and does what any dude would do in this situation-hit on her. OK, maybe he really didn’t, as any guy in a Santa suit can be a bit shifty.

In the interest of transparency, I am skipping parts here. You guys should be thanking me. William runs into the Santa guy, who is clearly the real Santa, like, duh. I think there has to be a real Santa in all these Hallmark movies. Another Xmas movie crutch.

Call me nuts, but I think these crazy kids are falling for each other. That’s a pretty novel twist for a holiday movie, right? Right?

I really didn’t think I could get offended by anything I saw on TV after the election, but I am wrong. 

My seven remaining brain cells are distraught. Ha, little do they know all the beer will kill them tonight!

After the break, Rilliam are at an ice rink, which is probably the coldest set in the entire damn movie. They’re getting kinda flirty, but there’s that nosy reporter with her nosy camera! William starts laying it on to Riley. William will make dinner for Riley. Take notes here, guys.

"Trust fall!" Catches her by the boobs. 

During this commercial break, we (I feel like you’re here with me now. I even put pants on.) see more previews for shitty Hallmark Xmas movies. This one was for as big Hollywood star who comes back home and falls for two small town guys! Drama! I can’t wait to not watch it! I think anymore is all they do is just hack up all their older movies with the same damn plot and re-edit them back together.

I also see an ad for SImplyFitBoard.com It’s all just people swiveling on a board. I shit you not.

Back to whatever this movie is called. Good to know it’s rated TV-G, since only 5 year olds could enjoy this crap. While having dinner, William tells Riley she reminds him of his grandmother. Dude! Brah gotta work on his pick up lines. Nosy reporter takes pictures of them eating and the next day’s headline asks who his mystery date was. Aren’t there like lost dogs or a local football team to report on?

While at the factory, William is approached to be in Secret Santa. He doesn’t know what that is. He draws the youngest girl there. Will is a hit in this town. Rilliam declare there was no date last night-as they eat lunch. By themselves. William needs help buying for his Secret Santa. Riley finally gets William to dish on why he doesn’t celebrate Xmas.

William’s mother died, so his grandmother made Xmas special. When grandma died, that magic faded, William’s father was too busy running the damn company. William misses grandma at Xmas, so therefore, he hates it. Sound logic to me, William. Air high five, you overdramatic bastard.

45 more minutes of this bullshit. I have never wanted Xmas to come quicker.

William’s company runs Riley on their site as being a new hire. But, OH NOES!! The company website listed the Riley they thought they hired, not our current Riley. You know who catches this? That meddling reporter, that’s who. I smell complications!

Riley gets William to read to a bunch of school kids. She knows he can read; she must be turned on now. That Santa guy reappears. Neither Riley nor William invited him. They have no idea who this guy is, and don’t seem concerned that Santa is spending all this time with young children. I am sure the school will just send a letter home about this “stranger danger.”

Riley says she’s never had a boyfriend past Thanksgiving. I think this is called foreshadowing. Or she just dated guys that didn’t want to buy her presents. We’ve all been down that road before.

Fucking 32 minutes for Riley to be exposed as the wrong Riley. Also, the factory and town need to be saved and Rilliam has to happen. Lots to tie up. I sense the reporter will bust Riley at the factory or in front of the entire town. Damn mainstream media.

Do they award Pulitzer's for blogging? Because, damn, I feel like I am earning it with this one.

After redecorating the house for Xmas, Riley invites William to Xmas at her parents. That’s her boss still. Totes awk. While at the factory-called it!-nosy reporter busts Riley in front of William. Riley confesses, William, now douchey and not taking her cuteness into account, gets all pissy. Riley leaves, William gets all emo and mopey.

Yet, everyone else can forgive Riley and see how good she is. William is typically dense, such a dude. Even the freaking mayor tells William to nut up. The mayor goes on this long, sappy drawn out story about meeting his wife. In writing circles, we call this the “Oh shit” moment, where the obvious point finally dawns on a character. I am pretty sure this “Oh shit” moment happens at just about this point in every one of these damn movies. William’s all caught up “Riley wasn’t who she said she was.” William must not be on Facebook. Or Tinder.

Riley retreats home to the safety of her parents’ couch. Doorbell rings! Guess who? Bill Cosby! JK, just seeing if you’re still paying attention. It’s William. Rilliam might happen!! I hope he brought her a Sexy Santa set!

He says he now doesn’t care she “lied,” he needs her to come back to the factory tomorrow.

To save the factory, William bought the remaining toys. Now they just need to deliver the toys. While Rilliam is in the truck, he sets her up with her own business so she can consult on his other companies. The truck breaks down, and Riley fixes it. Clearly, there is nothing she can’t do, and at this point, I might take a swing on her.

FFS, the last 5 minutes are mushier than damp bread at the bottom of the lake. They start making out, camera pans to sky. I’m pretty sure they broke up before New Years Eve.

Thank God this shit is over. I feel dirty.