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| "Still, Kev, the answer is no. The Captain does not date below General." |
Look, I like super hero movies as much as the next guy. I don’t
necessarily love them, nor do I feel
the need to see every single one that comes out for FOMO. Just like everyone
else, I enjoy fit and attractive people running around in cool costumes
thwarting evil doers through massive plot holes. However, aren’t we kinda getting
to the point where it’s all the same thing? How many times can a super hero “save”
the world at the same time entire cities are destroyed and countless thousands of lives are
lost? “Good news, Avengers! You saved the world! Again! However, you wiped out southern
California.” Which, on second thought, sounds like a fair deal. What I don’t
get is when these Meet Ups of super heroes like the Avengers and Justice
League are established, why are any of these heroes working alone ever again?
Like, if shit is going down, why can’t Batman call up Superman and be all “Yo Holmes,
since we’re all cool now and we’ve established our moms have the same name, I
got shit hitting the fan here in Gotham. Can you fly in, and we can fix this in
10 minutes?”
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| "No, no, I'm fine with you keeping the mask on." |
I’m kinda bummed, because with every nerdgasm/nerd outrage
that comes with every super hero movie, there never seems to be any love cast
on a great little series called Kick Ass. Down to earth, real (my god, you mean
these heroes actually get beaten up, bruised and hurt?) and really, really
funny. Plus, Night Bitch is kinda my cosplay fantasy, IF I ever have to have
one.
Also, the cartoon version of the Tick? Hello? SPOON! Way
better than those two shitty live action reboots that I had no interest in
watching, so I am therefore blindly ascribing the “shitty” tag to.
With my timeline getting all blown up over a heroine I’ve never
hear of named Captain Marvel (so I guess her and Captain America have the exact
same rank in the super hero Army?), it got me to thinking, what if I had super
powers? No, not the made up and hellacool super powers like flying, being
invisible, shooting webs, looking good in a cape and able to run in heels.
I am talking “super powers” that would help me out in real life. Super powers like:
Ability to actually make someone have a good day. When I go to the liquor store, and I can tell
the cashier has just been beaten down by all the belligerent, drunk asshole
before me. How great would it be, if I could grant him a great day? Like, everything
goes right for him the rest of the day. He goes to bed recalling all the good,
and none of the negativity.
Conversely…
Ability to make someone have a shitty day. I am a vengeful
super hero. With great power comes great responsibility and all. So, here’s to
you, Mr. Asshole driver cutting everyone off, because of Super Kev, the rest of
your day is gonna suck a big ol’ dick.
Ability to hit all green lights
Ability to iron. There are some heroes among us who actually
possess this mystical super power, I do not. When I do travel, I have to use
Craig’s List to pay someone to come to my room and ….iron. I fear one of these
days it will backfire on me, and I will either get rolled or unwittingly get
involved in a sex for hire situation. Like Robert Kraft.
Ability to repopulate the kitchen. Open the fridge, there is
no food and a moldy bottle of OJ. Close the door. Open it again and -bang! ZOMG
Little Caesar’s Pretzel Crust Pizza!
I do possess the ability to change beer to piss. I would
like to have the ability to change piss back into beer. Oh, wait, that already exists;
it’s called Coors Light. BURN!
Ability to read a woman’s mind. OK, now I know I’m really
reaching for super powers here. I’ll settle for
The ability to mind meld with dogs. I would love to know
what they think. They seem to have the whole live in the moment thing figured
out. I would love to wire into Theory Pup 2.0s head and explain to him how
lucky he is to be loved, doted on, provided for, fed, sheltered. I could have him walk himself, and also have him pick up a delicious soft pretzel crust pizza on the way back. And then I
would tell him to stop being a raging dickhead with all the eating of furniture.
Also, I would train dogs to undo bikinis
Ability to pick the fastest line. I currently possess the opposite
power; the needless skill to pick the slowest line at everything; tolls,
stores, lanes on the highway. There have been times when I’ve been next in a line,
and STILL saw people behind me in other lines get through faster.
Ability to have the Browns win the Super Bowl. Hmm….let me
look at that whole read women’s’ minds thing again.
Ability to actually smack some sense into people. I know, so
obvious, yet so awesome right? I think we all have that one friend that clearly
lacks common sense at times. They could use a swift reality check. And that comes in the form of a bitch slap. Like, a long, reaching back delivery, with a wide
open, yet stiff hand, to slap about the jaw. Like, “Wake the fuck up,
dude/dudette!”
Ability to no longer have hangovers. In researching this
one, I reached out to my elders; you know, people over 40. And they all pretty
told me you have about 30 good years before your body starts to betray you.
There’s aches and pains where previously there were none. You pee 2-3 times a night.
Vision and hearing start to decline. Also, your ability to recover from ANYTHING
takes far longer. So, keep that in mind and plan for your lost day after a lost
night.
What real world super powers would you like to have?
This blog came about as an innocent joke took root:
I don’t know what Captain Marvel is, but I sure as f*ck am
looking forward to this Halloween.
I know, solid joke, right? And yes, sometimes using ‘f*ck’
instead of ‘fuck’ just seems to be funnier, or at least make the joke more palatable
for some folks.
Anyway, it led me to thinking about what powers would I like to
use in everyday life. And seeing as how Captain Marvel opened with $160 million
in it’s first weekend (of which I am sure 90% of ticket buyers had no previous
clue who CM is, but just saw a super hero looking cool running around and being
all super hero-y), it lead me to strike while the iron is hot, and post a CM themed
post.
Deleted scenes
Also, a solid joke that went unused:
Now, all these people -guys, mostly-want to know who would win in a fight; Wonder Woman or Captain Marvel?
The answer is Kleenex. Kleenex would win that fight.
And what's the deals with capes? When and why did they pretty much get to be mandatory wardrobe for almost every hero? What practicality do they serve? What other job necessitates a cape being worn? Are there accountants somewhere that wear capes to work? Nurses? Construction workers? Architects? If I'm a super hero, the last thing I want to do in my ass kickery is to tie a big ass sheet to my neck. How caped super heroes aren't always breaking their necks is beyond me.
True Story
One year for Halloween, I was already so disillusioned by super heroes, I went out as my own; Super Kev. I even had my mom make me a Super Kev shirt and cape. The logo was a simple white square with a black K in it. Looking back, I am pretty sure this is where my rebellious spirit and independent thinking started to take place. I'm sure my mom was kinda proud of me, too. I still have the costume, and writing this post lead me to drag the costume out. And guess what? It still fits. Maybe that's because my mom made it for me last year.
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