Activism On My Chest

I pretend to be a lot of things. Happy, well adjusted, respected, smart, handsome, intelligent, non repetitive, happy, well adjusted, respected, smart, handsome, intelligent, funny, charming, a writer, etc. One of the things I clearly pretend NOT to be is politically active. I am not very smart when it comes to politics, world affairs, etc. Recently, I feel a bit shallow. Well, I mean more shallow than usual.

I often think that activism is rarely activism at heart. I often think it is motivated by other reasons; a drive to be PC, a desire to be seen as active and there by smart, to call attention to yourself (geez, I just can’t cut people a break, can I? All you do-gooders can go fuck yourself.) I cite this as an example. There is a house nearby that I often pass. And on their yard is a sign that says something to the effect of “Darfur-Not on my watch”. O really?

So by putting a fucking sign on your yard, whatever the fuck is going on in Darfur is now going to stop? “Whoa, boys, let’s think this over here. A sign just went up in the US on Mulberry Street, and we should all take heed.” Just my usually correct sense of common sense tells me the people at this house have no real fucking clue what is going on in Darfur. I am half tempted to knock on their door and ask them a few questions. I guess in some sort of way, it eases their subconscious or something. Or it makes them look smart in comparison to their non sign bearing neighbors.

I think the same thing of motards who frequent rallies on whatever the trendy issue/cause/conflict is. As Howard Stern has taught us, when interviewed many of these retards are dangerously fucking ignorant. Hey, don’t get me wrong, at least these fools are motivated to get off their couch and picket or protest or whatever for a cause. Me, my butt’s on the couch, maybe even wearing underwear.

We all see cars whose bumpers are covered with political messages. Save the trees, save the whales, emit less greenhouse gasses, blah, blah, blah. I am sure that Prius driver feels all high and mighty and all. All their do-goodery gets lost in the static.

So there we are at a dog fair last week. All kinds of vendors were there, from the big companies to the small, indy stores, toy companies, treat companies, rescues, etc. It was a nice day to get the boy out and sniff some new butts. And load up on tons of free swag.

While there, I was petting one of the rescue English terriers or some breed that kinda sounds like that. They had a table and were selling t-shirts. The shirts had this on the front:


OK, not really my kind of thing, but the dogs were so sweet, and I wanted to help out. And extend laundry day for one more day. So I shelled out the $15 for the shirt. Yes, that is not much, but when you are unemployed and living on government cheese and grass clippings, it’s a start. Most of my shirts that have writing on them generally say Corona or Ratt N Roll 1991 on them. So this was certainly a kind of statement for lil ol me
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If you bother to read the words, it’s a fairly strong statement. I will not SIT on the sidelines, or back DOWN… It’s great, inspiring copy. But I do feel a bit shallow wearing it. I wear my Ts because they are comfortable and black. I am not used to people reading my chest, and thinking I am noble and dedicated about said cause and all. I mean I am, but just not as active as to do anything more than wear a stinking t-shirt.

So I feel a bit empty. To me it’s just a shirt that conveys a message. I am certainly not looking to have deep conversations at the bar about this. If I see someone who is wearing all political BS (i.e. shirt, buttons, etc) I am thinking they ain’t much of a party. I have given to dog charities in the past, (the cats can go fuck themselves) and hope to do even more once I find a job. But I just don’t know if that makes me any more different than the Darfur posers.

At least I can find comfort in the fact that by writing this Klog, maybe one of you 4 readers will be inspired. And if so, I recommend these places:
http://www.phillypaws.org/
http://www.rallytorescue.org/
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com/clickToGive/home.faces?siteId=3 (all you have to do is click, and dog food is donated)
OK, now I feel better. Still shallow, but a little bit better.

Life Through Craigslist

Being jobless, I have to look for new, cheap venues for my entertainment. And lately, I have been really entertained by Craigslist. It’s my new crack, almost as good as TV. If you haven’t trolled there, you’re missing a lot.

First off, I go there for job leads. And truth be told, I have gotten some good leads and interviews from there. I have yet to be kidnapped or molested. But there’s more to CL than finding jobs.

I highly recommend you check out the personals section. Simply type in your current town of residence (or prison, wherever you might be, dear reader) and select personal from the drop down menu. You might be surprised by what you see. For example, when I type in my town, I discovered something rather shocking.

I am surrounded by gays and perverts.

Yes, it seems the prevailing amount of personal posts are dudes looking for dudes. I mean an overwhelming amount are guys for guys. Some of the titles of the posts are a scream. And I will admit, I have clicked on a few, STRICTLY for investigative purposes. Some even have the pictures as well. I feel a bit weird doing this type of stuff. I fear one day my internet records will be released, and everyone will see me clicking on the gay stuff and get the wrong idea. I said this is STRICTLY for entertainment and investigative purposes. So I make sure I spend double the amount of time looking at porn, just to cancel the gay stuff out. I also fear that my wife will somehow discover this and totally get the wrong idea. But it makes it OK that I write about it, since, like most of my friends, she doesn’t read my blog.

Of course, there is a certain lingo you have to get into to decipher some of these ads. I’ve found if you just look at enough ads, you can pick things up. Still, there are letters and combinations of letters I have no fucking idea what they stand for, and I am probably better off not knowing.

You can also check out rants and raves, where people anonymously post whatever they want. People can pretty much say whatever they want, regardless of whether or not it’s true. Gimme that. network news. It can be inane stuff like the employee at the local Dairy Queen, to jerkoffs down at the local bar.

Missed connections is another compelling read. Now, I will hazard a guess that most of you would totally be thrilled to one day read an old ex openly pining for you. Or an old date that still thinks about you. Or an impression you made on someone that you never knew about. Some of these posts are seriously about one meeting 3 years ago in some bar. It’s both flattering and scary what people hold onto as they move about in their life. And it’s always kind of fun to type in a place you were recently at, and see if anyone was checking you out. If you’re single of course. I admit I did that after we went to the Nickelback show to see if anyone said anything about “the asshole Chad Kroeger wanna be at the show”.

I would like to think one day, in a Warhol like 15 minutes of fame kind of thing, you find something about yourself on there. And not in a negative way. Thank God they didn’t have this sort of thing in my formative years. Instead, I just had to suffer the slander they ran in my yearbook.

Of course, you can be less ‘hardcore’ and choose the casual encounters option. After further research (as all good writers should do), there appears to be minimal difference between casual encounters, and any other option. The pervs are there just the same. Maybe they try to class up their ad a bit, but let’s face it, there’s only so many ways you can class up that you are a ‘power bottom’. It seems ta me the casual encounter stuff is sort of a psychological buffer. I imagine that the people posting here are just as hardcore, but they just haven’t accepted it yet. So this is the easy and ‘polite’ way to deal with one’s perversions. I guess it’s an easier psychological burden to bear if you list your affinity for benoit balls in ‘casual encounters’ than in ‘men seeking men’ (AKA m4m).

Regardless of where one places their ad for whatever deviation they are in to, it always cracks me up because most of them put in some terminology like “no weirdos” or “no perverts”. Huh? Isn’t that kinda what you’re looking for? “I want a guy to put an anal plug in me, but he has to be successful on Wall Street.” When did weirdos have to have credentials?

Of course, you can always list your ad under ‘platonic’. To be honest, I’ve never even checked these ones out. I’m sure it’s for boring shit like nerds looking to play Magic together or some such. Actually, judging by the few titles I’ve seen, it still looks like a playground for the twisted. I guess there’s just more of a fear of commitment here.

So I stumbled onto all of this because I troll CL for jobs. And coming from a sales/marketing background in the entertainment industry, I guess I kind of have a niche. In searching for such jobs, I still manage to come across jobs that reek of shadiness. I come across a lot of ads looking for ‘models’. Now I skim some of the ads, and it barely appears it is anything more than taking nude pics in a basement or garage. Hmm, I have a garage….

Apparently, ‘intern’ is now a job, as just about every seemingly legit post is looking for interns. In other words, you don’t get paid shit. Yea, next. If you are going here for job leads, I also highly suggest a site called RipOffReport.com. I have run many potential companies through this, only to find they are scams. I recommend you use that site for any company you might be looking at. So what was my point?

Yea, free entertainment. If you get the chance when you’re not reading my awesome Klogs, go fiddle around on Craigslist.

Proposed New Kevolution Theory Taglines

Ok, so this here blog has been around for a while now. And I've been using that same "It's not Revolution..." tagline at the top of the page. Since I am not computer proficient, we all have to suffer with just my extreme gift of writing knowledge. As such, and in the interest of keeping this bloggy dealie thingy all fresh like, i thought it was time to try some new stuff here.

And seeing how I am a computer knudnick, the easiest way for me to do so is try a few new taglines. So, with that in mind, here is what I've come up with.

The funniest combinations of 26 letters

The lighter side of undiagnosed clinical depression

The ramblings of a miscreant

What will one day be referred to as “The Lost Years”

If Christina Applegate just read this, she would madly, uncontrollably fall in love with me

Charm personified

Reality with a side of sarcasm. Or maybe the other way around. Whatever

Fourth grade humor written on a second grade level

Based on a true story

Where Coke is for color, and beer ain’t for sippin’

Soon to be a major motion picture

Where truth doesn’t count as much as humor

Bonus Features

DVD Commentary

OK, so this is one of those 'easy'posts. It's all essentially punchlines. It's one of those throw everything at the wall and see what sticks kinda things. Now if I knew how to post some sort of poll on here.....

Ideas you can steal for your college thesis

The Price May Be Right, But The Prizes Are Shitty

OK, so there I am-again-at the repair shop-again-getting my car fixed-again-for something to do with the coolant-again. In a very Rainman like fashion, I solve the 3 water-game puzzles they have. I don’t feel like reading any magazines-who dafuck reads these days, anyway? So I decide to watch the TV. And the Price Is Right is one. I haven’t seen this show in years. And it looks like they haven’t changed a thing. It still looks like the set of a bad 70’s space porno. As opposed to all the good 70s space porno.

Drew Carey is now the host, and I’ve always been a fan of his. I thought his show was really fucking funny and innovative, and still watch it to this day when I can find it. Drew’s always had that vibe of someone you can share a few beers with and laugh all night. Which is the same exact way you all feel about me, I’m sure. But of course, you’d be buying. Anywhoo, Drew is good on the show. He still uses that long narrow microphone that Bob Barker used for his 80+ year run on the show. Other than that, seemingly nothing has changed on the show. Regardless, if this was all I had to say, this would be a boring and unfunny Klog. I hope you would expect more, and I hope the following Klog brilliance suits the ‘more’ part.

Apparently, PIR still attracts a cult like following. I saw all kinds of motards with all kinds of gaudy homemade PIR/Drew shirt. Like there was a sale at the art store on cheap ass t-shirt graphics. There were groups of people dressed alike; almost like some sort of team. I guess this is how nerds play sports. When people are called, you’d think is was God personally granting their eternal salvation. It is now, with a much more wizened eye, I realized something about the show
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Gdamn, the prizes sure are shitty.

You all know how to play. 4 people are plucked from the crowd to bid on a prize. This round has what I would indeed call shitty prizes. For example, today I saw one of the prizes for this round was a drum set. A drum set? WTF? What the hell kind of prize is that for 2009? What, the hifi set wasn’t available? I think I am a pretty good judge of people, and I am willing to guess those 4 contestants were thinking “What the hell am I supposed to do with a drum set? I don’t even play.” And where the hell would you out the damn thing anyway?

Before we go any further, I should point out that there are a few character types when it comes to the contestants making the guesses for this round. There is one type that tries to play strategy. You can tell these types because they constantly ask questions like “What was the last bid?” and “What is the highest/lowest bid?” These people must not be fun to party with. The second type is the type to guess with bizarre numbers. Whereas most bids end in round numbers (1500, 2450, 799, etc), this clod will guess something like 1258, 423 and 2056. This type must surely drive their coworkers and families insane with their rampant OCD. The last type that I saw was the ones who always guess $1. Doesn’t matter what the prize is, that’s all they guess. Every damn time. I think they do this because they are lazy, stupid, or just don’t want the lame fucking prize.

Now we proceed to the second round. Here, the contestant has another game to play. The contestant is shown the prize, and the resulting game always has something to do with guessing the price. You would be astounded at how many of the same variations they have on the same fucking game. The prizes on this round are hit and miss. Sometimes I think it’s just the producers busting on the contestants. All I’m saying is maybe some forethought is in order. For example, a mid age woman most likely has little need for 2 fucking dirtbikes. (Sure, there are some cases where they can give them to kids, etc, but on the whole I’m talking about.)The woman today who had the opportunity to claim these fantastic prizes couldn’t have been that thrilled. If I’m in her shoes 1) I’m feeling my boobs and 2) I’m thinking what a pain in the ass it’s gonna be to sell these things. It’s bad enough I will have to pay taxes on it. (You do know that if you ever win anything on TV, you have to pay taxes on it, right?) It would be a serious dilemma if I even wanted to win the damn things or not.

This round of the show also encourages audience participation. There is always a part when the contestant cluelessly looks to the crowd for help and guidance. All you see is a mass of faces and fingers; all saying different things. I mean, these are people who have nothing better to do in the middle of the day than to sit in a game show audience. What can be more pathetic? Writing about people who sit ….uh…never mind. Next paragraph please.

Another prize was a washer and dryer, a buffet server and a water-ski set. All in all, necessary prizes, but stuff most people generally have, or have little need for. What good is a water-ski set if you don’t have access to a damn boat? Again, pessimist I am, I would be thinking “Fuck, I just got a washer and dryer not too long ago, what the hell am I gonna do now? Where am I gonna store this shit? Where will I move my drum set to make space? Does anyone need my old ones?” In fact, if it was me, and I had just won the washer & dryer, I would immediately give out my email address and say, “If anyone wants to buy my old washer and dryer, shoot me an email.” The game for this prize was to guess which object was mispriced. I incorrectly guessed the buffet server. Turns out the ‘legit’ price of the buffet server (a small metal holder that warms food) was really $750. $750 for a fucking buffet server? Shit, you know how many good buffets you can eat for that kind of scratch?

Not all the prizes here are bad. I did see a big screen TV and cabinet, a wine bar (because wine drinkers watch the Price Is Right) and the requisite “……A NEW CAR!” Not once did I see my favorite game-Plinko. I can watch that for hours.

The models aren’t all that hot, either. (Yes, I know, like I am one to judge) They look OK and all, but they give off the air that they are vapid and high maintenance. Give me real, human looking girls that look like a blast to drink with and might give up 5th base, and I will watch. Also, make ‘em wear stripper boots. Man, Hollywood, you listening? Free advice here.

I remember back in the day on Wheel of Fortune, you had to spend the money you won. After you solved the puzzle, the ‘showroom’ would emerge. The showroom was a revolving stage of overpriced shit. What a buzzkill that you win a nice amount of money, now you HAVE to spend it at the Wheel of Fortune Store. And everything was fugly and overpriced. O, the look of pain on the contestants face as they has to shell out $800 for a hideous ceramic dog. I can still hear contestants saying things like “Well, OK, Pat, for $3000 I will take the tin ashtray.” I believe once you got you money down to a certain amount, you got the rest in cash. But I am sure it was like $200 or less.

That’s all I got to say. It’s 5 o’clock somewhere.

New Wallet

I had to do something this week that I don’t often do. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I did it. And, NO, it’s not getting a fucking job. I had to buy a new wallet.

Which is odd, since I don’t have any money.

But it was time. Time to retire the Playboy logo emblazoned Velcro wallet that held my life the last 23 years. OK, that’s a joke. But I did have a Velcro Playboy wallet in high school. Because, Lord knows, the young 10th grade girls get really turned on when a potential suitor pulls out the ol’ Playboy wallet to pay to get in to the dance. Really, how did the girls stay away from me? Seriously, what girl is gonna get impressed by that. Anywhoo, back to current day. It was clearly time to retire my wallet. I don’t know how long I had it, but it perfectly molded to the shape of my right butt cheek. I am not looking forward to breaking a new one in. But at least I sit on my ass all day, so I got that going for me.

The little slots that hold credit cards, etc were ripping. It’s a sign you need a new wallet when your ATM card somehow escapes your wallet and you find it on the driveway. The part that held my few scant dollar bills had a hole in the bottom, so I really wasn’t spending all my money on cheap hooch at the liquor store.

My wallet had been bursting from me being a pack rat. Cripes, I have tons of cards and whatnot in here. So let’s perform an ‘xperiment. Let’s just see how much shit I have crammed in here. We’ve established there’s no cash. But in the cash section is one of those key chain size card things for CVS. Boy, these things fucking piss me off. Why do we need shopper cards? Why do I have to have a card to save 30 cents on a bottle of shampoo? Why can’t they just give it to me? Why do I have to join their little club? And it almost never fails, when I do have to go to CVS to buy something, and I don’t have one of their special cards, they always have one to scan right there at the register. So, again, I ask the faceless cyber world, what’s the point? And it turns out I have more such cards.

Turns out I have one to Acme. As much as I slam fucking CVS, they don’t bust nuts when it comes to having their card. Acme does. I usually go to Acme when I go to the liquor store, which is right in the same shopping center. And there have been times I’ve picked up bottles of Coke (and magazines with Christina on the cover) and they refuse to let me use the store card to save 4 cents off both bottles. Bastards! Well, I’ll show them now. I also have one to a local indy pet store. I wrote about them in a previous post, but I haven’t been able to return. I think it says something that I don’t have the regular card size card; no, these are the things that go on your keychain. I just don’t know what it says. Let’s keep going.

Look, a frequent buyer card to the Subway right up the street. I know it’s cool to slam Subway now, but I like them. It’s great tailgate food. Plus, they don’t have that gay oven that Quizzno’s has. Hmm, a Staples card that I haven’t used in like 2 years. In front of that is a PetSmart card. My Blockbuster card, are they still around? Library card. Ha, NERD! My card to Sam’s Club. Yea, I know, evil empire and all, but I am poor and like to eat 5 pounds of ground turkey. AAA card that I hope I never have to use. Insurance card, OK, I guess that can stay. My ATM card and Discover card round out the cards that make the migration to the new wallet. So let’s see what doesn’t make the cut.

AMEX card and MasterCard. Shit, how many of these do I need? I have accumulated a bunch of business cards. One to Primo Hoagies. Really, WTF do I need this for? I know where they are located. Trash. A card from a manager of my favorite band; yea, I’ll hold onto that one for now. A card from a landscaper that I might use when I actually get a job and save some money. A made up biz card from one of the douches in my fantasy league. Humorous, but 86ed nonetheless. Lowe’s card; yea, don’t need to be carrying that around. Biz card to my mechanic, maybe it’s bad luck that I carry it around, so into the trash it goes. Ticket stub to a show 2 years ago. Biz card from a music exec that never lead me to a job. Two guest passes to my gym when it went by another name. My old WEA card, along with a WEA card that breaks down tips to 18%. I will keep this, because I suck at math, and I never know how much to tip at Baja Fresh. OK, I have thinned out the riff raff. That was actually the easy part. The hard part is finding a wallet I like.

I don’t consider myself a particular kind of guy. I am not too picky. But I do get hung up on small things. Take sunglasses, for instance. I like mirrors. I feel it gives me some sort of edge. I like that I can see people’s eyes, but they can’t see mine. They think I am paying rapt attention to them, when I am really rolling my eyes in disgust and utter boredom. Plus, I like that I can look at anyone, and they won’t know it. Mirror shades are required for any and all trips to the beach. And I also like for the glasses to be one piece and wrap all the way around my eyes. This is to prevent eye cancer. And also to check out all the chicks. But mostly the uh…what did I say…yea, the cancer thing. So, yea, this is kind of 80s I guess, but I like it, and it’s one of the few things I can still pull off. Plus, such shades look really boss with my Dokken ’88 shirt. You can see, it takes me some time to find a pair I like that meets all the requirements.

Wallets are kind of the same thing. I don’t like tri-fold; bi-fold is the way to go. You can ask me why. (G’head, ask me, I’ll wait.) It’s just the way I like it. I am not one of those guys that has to chain it to their pants, either. Just a simple wallet, how hard can it be? Actually, easier than I thought. One trip to Target, and I actually find one I like.

Now comes the breaking in process. For a while, my ass will look odd; well, odder than it usually does. This new wallet even has one of those little plastic things that holds photos. Does any guy even use these picture things anymore? I don’t; no pics of the wife, dog, nuttin’. It will only take up the valuable space that otherwise goes to frequent shopper cards I scarcely use.

So if I have done one thing right this week (and that may very well have been all I’ve done right this week), let it be this. I feel more organized. I feel more ready to meet the challenge of the world. I feel….feel….poor. But with a newer wallet.