Total BullShit Facts 12/21

Stuff that sounds so real, it can't be made up

Milk causes your bones to grow more brittle.

Actually, every fifth snowflake is exactly alike.

Clarissa really did know it all.

Indians celebrate Thanksgiving.

Rumored new singers for Aerosmith; David Lee Roth, Chris Jericho, Flavor Flav, Vince Neil, Billy Idol and that kid who won Rockstar:INXS

Virgos tend to have a better sense of smell.

All baseball stats are made up.

Boogers are nutritious.

In the famous scene in Rocky, the chicken was originally going to be a Jack Russell terrier.

Kari Byron’s baby is mine.

There is a difference between the water in your bathroom, and the water in your kitchen.

Every time someone types LOL, they actually are laughing out loud.

High School Reunion pt 3 The FInal Chapter

Amidst loud 80s music, the room started to fill. I found myself chatting with all kinds of people. I felt I was very social, which is not how I would describe myself at all in such a situation. I found myself using a line with a lot of former classmates, and it was totally true; “I don’t think I ever talked to anyone this much during high school.” The best thing about (re)meeting such a number of people in a short amount of time is it allows me to constantly use my best jokes. I found myself talking to people I knew and clearly recalled. But I also spent a decent amount of time talking to people I didn’t really know or have any specific memories of. Usually, my walls would be up and I would be coming across as extremely awkward in such a situation. Not here, I was on. Maybe those Coronas were helping my cause, too.

I had more than one person come up to me, look at my name and say, “I don’t remember you.” I was fine with this, as this was pretty much my MO in school anyway. And a lot of times, I didn’t remember them. And it was cool, no one got offended.

I really thought going in, my BS detector would be going off. Maybe it’s from all the swimming with sharks in the music biz, but I think it was more just my incorrect preconceived notions. There was a very cool vibe going through the room. I really felt everyone was real and genuine. Yea, that kinda surprised me.

For example, one of the jocks actually came up to me, introduced himself and we had a nice conversation. I don’t think that ever happened during HS. There was no antagonism. Wow, color me surprised. And as long as we’re talking about the jocks, they were all there, and damn it, if they still looked to be in shape. I was really hoping for pot bellies and hairy ears, but they all looked good.

I was happy to see that quite a few couples who were together in HS are still happily together today. I think that’s very admirable in this day and age. I was also surprised about how many classmates ended up marrying each other. Then again, I was such a loser then, I had no real idea of who was going out with who, so they coulda been together back then anyway. I’m not a big sucker for romantic stories, but ya always gotta root for the high school sweethearts to stay together.

I ran into an old classmate (well, I guess we’re all old these days) who I went to grade school with. She remembered me as being Charlie Brown in the 3^rd grade Xmas play. See, I even had talent back then. We were talking, and a guy ran up to me to see what my name was, then ran off. OK, a bit strange. A few seconds later he reappears, pointing at me and laughing in a Nelson Muntz like manner. OK, again, not all that strange, since I recall kids did this to me all the time in HS. I follow him, and a group has the yearbook. I prefer to think they were laughing at how I looked before, and not now. At least that’s the hope I cling to.

You didn’t have to go to my school to figure out who went there. All my classmates heads were on constant swivels to check everyone else out. “I don’t remember him. Wow, she turned out good.” A few hours in, and I haven’t had anything to eat yet, so I duck over to the munchies table for food that was many levels more edible than the crap we had at the cafeteria. I sit down for a bit, and some girl that I swore I never talked to in HS sat next to me and we had more conversation than we ever had before. T came to steal food off my plate, just like she always does, then leaves like nothing ever happened. Then 3 girls sit down across from me. Like most girls, they don’t recall my undistinguished HS career. One girl calls me over and asks, “I have to ask, are you a musician?” I reply with my stock answer, “Well, I play the radio and the iPod, and that’s about it.” Upon hearing my answer, all 3 girls split like I have swine flu. I sat down to finish my crumbs by myself. How apropos, the nerd sitting all by himself eating. Sheesh, some things never change.

I am surprised how many of my classmates went on to be teachers. It’s not like anyone back then was pro-teacher. No, I can’t recall any kids that thought teaching was so cool, that they would devote their life to it. T goes to the bar, where she encounters a colleague of hers. Now, I had gone to HS with this girl. It goes without saying she was popular, and I was a nerd, so we had limited interaction. Since that time, she went on to be a teacher, and I’ve run into her and spoke many, many times with her at various teacher functions. “What are you doing here,” she asks T. “I’m here with Kev,” T answers matter of factly. “Kevin?” Yes, that’s right. After all these years, she had no idea I was that nerdy Kev from HS. I guess I should be complimented.

All in all, I was very pleasantly surprised about the whole night. It went far better than I could have imagined. I think I put in a good accounting of myself. Maybe I changed a few people’s perception of me. I think I was pretty social, which is a big accomplishment for me. I talked to a lot of people, old friends, folks from FB, folks who I have forgotten about. I saw a lot of laughing, which is always a good sign. I was really glad I blew off my family obligation to go. It was good/cool to see how everyone turned out. I have to say, it looks like everyone turned out pretty good.

In fact, I probably have more positive memories of the reunion than of the four years anyway. I really enjoyed catching up with different people, and laughed harder and longer than I thought I would. It was a fun trip back. Not enough to make go down in the crawlspace to dig out the ol’ yearbook; you should see the size of the spiders down there.

High School Reunion part 2

In fact, I was set to skip the reunion. It just so happened to fall on the usual date of a big family get together. But since I got on Facebook, I have been truly surprised at the number of folks from HS who have friended me. Some I spent significant amounts of time “growing up” with; others mere acquaintances that I am surprised remember my meager existence.

Morbid curiosity is strong that way, isn’t it? There’s some sort of curiosity to see how everyone turned out. How did that nerd that sat with us in lunch turn out? Are the hot girls still hot? Hell, did any of the quiet girls get hot? And I will admit to having a crush the whole 4 years on a girl. I really hope she shows up to the 20^th (she didn’t show for the 10^th). If only for her to breathlessly come up to me to say, “O, I knew it was you all along. I have pined for you all these years, saving myself for this fateful evening.” I would then raise my left hand to show her my ring. Nearby, a digital camera would capture the image that would be captioned on Flickr with “The moment a heart breaks. I still cry when I see this pic.” I would even have to rebuff her feeble offer for a handjob out by the dumpster. I would then triumphantly return to my beautiful wife, where she would rebuke my plea for a handjob out by the dumpster.

I have decided to attend the 20^th, at the expense of my previous family obligation. I am actually kind of looking forward to it. I would imagine after 20 years, the stereotypes have faded. While I am sure some of the cliques would reunite just out of familiarity, I also hope lots of people who didn’t hang out together in HS hang out a bit here.

The morning of the reunion, I was a bit nervous. All along, I had been looking forward with positive feelings, this was the first real twinge of nervousness. Unfounded fears of cliques reuniting; jocks looking to pants the nerds, etc. I went to the gym to get one last workout in of all the vanity muscles. Yes, I have become that vapid, even if only for one day. I don’t think I will be the only one. So I came back, where T asked me the all important question, “What are you going to wear?” I had a few shirts picked out-some of her favorites-all that were a bit tight, looking to show of that vest of Hulk muscles I bought for Halloween. Instead she picks out a shirt that will need to be ironed. So I pretty much pissed away the morning workout. I could have had my usual big bowl of Lucky Charms with extra sugar and lard, and there would have been no difference. At least I wouldn’t have to spend the whole night sucking my gut in. T then told me what she was going to wear. I had very little input. Damn her, wanting to look all classy and shit.

Good Irish we are, we show up right on time. We don’t fuck around when there’s an open bar. Plus a little social lube would do me good. Right away, I meet 2 old grade school classmates. I guess we learned to be punctual. The bar and room were very nice, lots of space (much nicer than the HS dances at the shitty Knights of Columbus room), and the only way in was via the elevator. You can do some serious drinking in a bar with an elevator. We exchanged pleasantries, followed by what most likely will be the most asked questions at such an occasion; what are you doing these days, where do you live, what have you been up to, were those charges ever dropped, etc.

We realize we are at a prime position. Not only are we barside, but we can clearly see everyone else who comes in. It’s almost like we’re those Muppet judges. I felt like we were on Let’s Make a Deal; “do you know the people at the table, or do you know the people ….behind the door?” All classmates were given stickers with their names on them. I thought it would be funny if I swiped the name of a black classmate. That would really screw with people’s heads. But I was so bad off with not knowing anyone in HS, that I didn’t recognize half the damn names anyway. Spouses didn’t get any badge or recognition. By default, they all became DDs.

Suddenly, it was like a bus dropped everyone off. Old faces started streaming in. It’s really funny how people who I have not thought one iota about in over 20 years would come in, and some sort of glint of recognition would go off in my mind.

Thank god for the tags, because I was only good with their faces. I think everyone felt a bit rude as they walked around. If you didn’t recall someone’s name, you had to take a quick glance at their chest to get their names. “O, Fred, yes, of course, how the hell ya doin’?” But it was a great excuse to check out racks.

The Lost Fingers Review (with the answers)

OK, motards, a few weeks ago, I pointed your browsers away from porn, and to my review of the Lost Fingers. In that stellar review, I hid no less than 18 80's song titles. And here is the review, with the answers. Surely, you can now see my brilliance.

The Lost Fingers sprang to life in a northern town (Dream Academy) of Quebec, where they actually sold more albums than Nickelback. No lie. The Fingers’ music can best be termed as gypsy jazz; a genre generally credited as being pioneered by guitarist Django Reinhardt. (In fact, the band took their moniker from a Reinhardt nickname.) While being available in Canada for some time, the Fingers covers disc, Lost in the 80s is just starting to break out (Swing Out Sister) here in the States. Despite some of the suspect choices for source material-does the world need a Technotronic cover?-members Christian Roberge and Byron Mikaloff have roots in classical music, while bassist Alex Morissette holds a degree in jazz.

I am not a big fan of cover albums. It’s a damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don’t proposition. You can’t sound too close to the original (Fab Faux), nor can you totally disrespect it. Sometimes doing a cover helps launch a decent career; acts like Cowboy Junkies and Faith Hill first started their ball rolling with covers. On the flip side, cover songs also gave us the careers of such luminaries as Marilyn Manson and Limp Bizkit. Cover albums have come along in the careers of bands whose star seems to be falling (Joan Jett, Queensryche). Alas, cover albums have also resurrected the careers of Manilow, Stewart and Cash. Generally, cover albums are novelties that garner only a few curiosity listens before fading off into your collection. So if you ever wondered what “Black Velvet” might sound like as a gypsy jazz number, then your search is over (Survivor), let the good times roll (The Cars).

Using the same acappella opening, “You Give Love a Bad Name” stays true to the original structure. Instead of rampant keys and runaway (Bon Jovi for the Bon Jovi song. Get it?)percussion, the Fingers use guitars and almost constant backing vocals. Anyone remember when Hayseed Dixie was hot on rock radio for all of a week? Well, if you do, then you should enjoy “You Shook Me All Night Long.” Skewing a bit more to the jazz/blues side with a touch of Russian folk, the tempo certainly won’t shake your foundations (AC/DC). The delivery is boozy, and a bit of Roberge’s accent peeks through.

You might think (Cars, again)there is no need to revisit Kool & the Gang’s “Fresh”, but the Fingers breathe life into the song. “Billie Jean” is a fast take, complete with the requisite backing ‘bop bops,’ ‘hee hees’ and even the high pitched squeal. They deliver a far more masculine version of “Careless Whisper” than Seether could ever muster. The Fingers transform “Straight Up” from a song you’d be embarrassed to know to a hip take on an otherwise forgettable tune. They add drama to the bridge by slowing it down over a guitar. Who knew you could create drama in a Paula Abdul song? Crazy (Paula Abdul, along with like a zillion other bands), right?

Lost in the 80s is an interesting listen. The material is disparate enough that there’s bound to be at least one familiar song for anyone born after 1980. The album is done well, with a solid mix of tongue in cheek, cheese and tight musicianship. The point here is not to be pretentious, but to have fun; a celebration (Kool & The Gang, kinda) of an age gone by. As far as replay value, it’s decent. The musicianship is solid, song structures generally remain true (Spandau Ballet)to the original and the delivery is unique. Most of the songs are spry; and good music for walking on sunshine (Katrina & the Waves), walking in LA (Missing Persons)or walking in Memphis (mark Cohn). Despite all the above, the style of music might wear thin for some; 12 songs all done in gypsy jazz can grow a tad monotonous. The most obvious shortcoming would be that the band never really deviates too much from the guitar driven sound; nary a bang on the drum (Todd Rundgren)to be heard. Vocally, there are a few limits. At times, the voice (Moody Blues)of Roberge sounds like a boozy Tom Waits; another acquired taste not everyone has. More than this (Roxy Music), it’s a great album to play at a party or for your music snob friends. You can put it on and have everyone guess, “who can it be now?” (Men at Work)The kids in America (Kim Wilde)should dig it.