Being the grizzled and respected music critic I am, I have been to literally thousands of shows; rock, pop, country, acoustic and Swedish yodeling. As I was at yet another indie rock show last night, something dawned on me. Goddamn, these people all look familiar. As I scanned over all the shows I’ve been to, I’ve realized there are the same people at every show. Not literally the same people, of course, but the same kinds of stereotypes of people at shows. And if there’s one thing we’ve learned, it’s the stereotypes can unite us all.
With that in mind, I began compiling a list of these characters. And while the title implies indie shows, the fact of the matter is these stereotypes are at every show. Perhaps you’ve seen them, and never realized it. Perhaps you are one of them and didn’t know it. Perhaps I am using the word ‘perhaps’ too much. Perhaps.
What follows is a quick list of such characters. Surely, it’s not complete, but my appointment with the Swedish massage girl awaits, and we al know how that ends.
The Crazy Hat Guy
Telltale Signs: um, the crazy hat.
Behavior: Crazy Hat Guy comes to be seen. The hat is usually some variation of the typical Stetson/10 gallon hat. Maybe it’s because he thinks since the band is from the West, by wearing a cowboy hat, he will somehow establish some sort of quiet camaraderie with the band. Even though the band is from Seattle. Crazy hats can also include the lighter, straw variation; great for outdoor shows. Note; sideways caps and mandanas do NOT count.
CHG will worm his way to the front of the stage in order to get someone in the band to wear his crazy hat. The band will usually oblige. Little does CHG realize that traveling musicians have notoriously bad hygiene. Along with the hat back, he will also get lice and ringworm. He just never learns.
The Coterie
Telltale sign: The coterie is made up of a pack of older women. Most are typically spotted at the shows of bands that had one mainstream hit ten years ago, and have still managed to put out a respectable body of work since then. The number in the coterie varies. They typically ‘dress to impress’, as this is their big night out with ‘the girls from college’. What better way to drink top shelf drinks and reminisce about ‘the old days’? There is usually one large woman (as is the rule in packs such as this), although the rest typically have bingo arms.
Behavior: The coterie is looking to recapture the magic of their college years when the band played their school ‘like every two months’. Sure, while they are hanging with all the girls from Hammond dorms, they try to dress a grade better. And by that I mean ten pounds of monkey crap in five pound bags. These outfits may have looked hot ten years ago, but the only thing screaming more than the singer is their seams. They often take pictures of themselves by the side of the stage as the band is playing. When the band gets to their one hit, they dance like tipsy monkeys. While the Coterie is happy to be at the show, the only ones happier are their husbands getting a fucking quiet night at home.
The Diehard
Telltale signs: The Diehard wears a shirt that says Northwest Tour 2007; thought the band clearly didn’t hit the Northwest till 2009. You can tell he wears the shirt all the time, even though this show is the only “cool” place to wear it. Think about it; do Insane Clown Posse shirts look cool anywhere outside of an ICP show? No, they don’t. It’s not like you need Vanity Fair to tell you that. Chances are his email address and handle on message boards is an obscure song title.
Behavior: Diehards know all the words to ALL the songs, even the obscure ones. The Diehard typically further reveals his devotion in the following exchange. The singer will say something to the effect of, “Well, you guys have been such a great crowd tonight, we’re gonna play a song we never play. In fact, we only played it once; 9 years ago at Artie Feinstein’s bar mitzvah.” The Diehard will raise his hands and yell, “YYEEAHHH!!” And somehow, the Diehard will know all the words and makes sure everyone near him is aware he knows all the words.
The Ben Folds Guy
Telltale signs: He looks like Ben Folds (duh), his head is too big for his hair, and his glasses tightly cling to his face. Usually dresses like Ben. However, during the summer, acceptable clothing is a ringer t and the ugliest plaid cargos you could ever imagine.
Behavior: The BFG is more noteworthy for observational purposes rather than outright behavior. He will typically be off in a dark corner. But he is at EVERY show. Gangster rap, blues, Russian throat singing, karaoke night. I have personally seen this guy at everything from Ozzfest to a blues concert in Borders. Not much is known about the Ben Folds Guy outside of this.
The Broskis
Telltale signs: Much like the coterie, the Broskis travel in packs. They are easily discerned by their caps, collar shirts and obnoxious behavior. Often seen raising shots at random moments.
Behavior: Obnoxious. I often wonder why they go to shows, just to drink overpriced shots and get in people’s way? Like BFG, they seem to be at every damn show; unsubstantiated reports have even placed them at Lilith Fair. Their MO seems to just wander into a club and get trashed. They often demonstrate little to no familiarity with the band playing. Tend to give manhugs and high fives as the evening wears on.
The Old Guy
Telltale signs: Grey hair if any, glasses, cold, wrinkled, expressionless face.
Behavior: Generally harmless, if a bit creepy. He seems to be there for the music, but appears out of place. Maybe he’s just checking in on his daughter. In which case, she said she was 18, OK?
The Handsies
Telltale signs: Their hands are always in the air, responding to the vocals. For example, if the singer is singing “goodbye” the Handsies will wave goodbye. If the singer is singing about the sun, the Handsies will raise their hands up in the air. Their interpretations of other actions are both astounding and worrisome. They will also try to grab any band member if they dare loom too close to the edge of the stage.
Behavior: It’s like a twisted call and response. Their arms will shoot up in the air at the slightest provocation. You don’t want to stand near the Handsies as they will spill your drinks without remorse. While this looks cool from the stage, it’s as annoying as fuck if you’re next to them. Avoid them, as their actions border on attention whoring. Let the Old Guy deal with their shit.
The Yellers
Telltale signs: Um, all their yelling.
Behavior: They have what scientists have recently termed ‘concert Tourettes’. All the yellers do is yell requests. From the first song to the last, there is always another song they want to hear. Yellers can be anywhere; front row to last row on the balcony. Yellers have a bit of the Diehard in them, as they feel the more obscure their requests, the better of a fan they are. Yellers are annoying and often yell for a song the band just played while they were in the bathroom. Yellers are the bane of bands’ existence. Like the Handsies, the Yellers are to be avoided.
The Drunk Girl
Telltale signs: You really need me to spell this out for you?
Behavior: As in life, Drunk Girls come in two varieties; benign and annoying as fuck. Benign Girls are generally well contained, not sloppy and not obnoxious. They are just there for a show, some Miller Lites and to have a good time. AAF Girls, on the other hand, are whole ‘nother ballgame. They get polluted on girly mixed drinks and proceed to make asses of themselves and detract from the show. They stumble. They dance and careen into other people. They sing made up lyrics and yell out during slow songs. Their overloaded purses swing as they text their BFF Ashley what song she just heard. OMFG! AAFGs feel compelled to try and dance on stage. The AAFs will be the ones covered in their own vomit by the time the lights come up. At least I hope that’s their own vomit.
By no means is this list complete. And that is where you come in. Feel free to add your own Characters.
