The Monday ADHD Quick and Dirty Slumpbuster Post

My vaguest recollection of my earliest experience this morning goes a little like this:

Monday morning: Hey Kev, how you doin’?

Me: Um, OK. It’s early. What do you want? I was just dreaming I was banging that Harley Quinn chick…

"You hit me, I hit you, deal?"

MM:< Kicks me right in the balls.>

Cut to alarm going off.

It’s been that kind of day, dear readers. Monday has just had it in for me. Work was work. I went to the warehouse club to get gas, and the pump didn’t recognize my card. I was a little heated, but I calmed down, and went inside to get a new one. While I generally don’t like my picture being taken, I even did a goofy face with a “thumbs up.” “Ha,“  I thought, “karma will appreciate my attempt to bring just a bit of humor into the world and shine upon me.” AAaaaand it turns out the card printer machine doesn’t work “while it’s raining.” Somewhere, karma is hanging out with Monday Morning having a good ol chuckle at Kev today.

This particular Monday reminds me of this great song by the Bottle Rockets.  Something I think most of us “ham and eggers” identify with.

I decide to carbo load on 5 soft pretzels. I realize I have the whole night in front of me, and it’s been a while since I wrote anything. I don’t know about you guys, but there sure has been a lot of hate and negativity in the world. So I’m deciding to make the most lemonade out of my mostly lemon day. A quick, dirty stream of consciousness blog entry. Take a blank space and create some everlasting art.  Maybe I will feel better if I think I can add a few laughs to your day. No real theme or order, just a few things that come to mind.

I’ve always believed that time moves faster during the summer. I don’t know if the gubbermint secretly takes a minute out of a day here or there, but time sure does feel to go much faster than any other season. To that end, summer weekends seem to absolutely fly by, even the rare ones when I don’t get black out drunk and wake up on a neighbor’s porch. Lazy weekends seem to fly by. The collision with Monday morning is brutal.

As with all summers, this one seems to be flying by. Wasn’t it just Memorial Day? 4th of July? 2015? Sadly, all the signs of summer coming to an end are creeping in. Halloween stores have signs up. (And I love Halloween, but this is waayy to early.) Fantasy football talk. The 4^th of July in Target? Fireworks, picnic supplies, outdoor stuff. The 5^th of July at Target? Pencils, notebooks, schoolbags. Enjoy your summer, kiddies!

Monday morning is never pleasant when you don’t especially like your job. Like the song above says, “Monday every time I turn around.” Even my black soul is like, “This shit again? I’m already almost dead, enough!”

I swear, sometime it feels like Monday is 80% of the week. If I can just make it through, usually, the rest of the week seems to go by quicker. Drinking mouthwash seems to speed that process up as well. And keeps me minty fresh.

So when you’re not happy with your job, you look at other jobs. There’s one site I go to where they use this picture:

I don’t know about you guys, but that girl totally has that “I will fuck anything that moves” smile. She knows it. I know it. Everybody there knows it. I guess that’s one way to encourage applications. I mean, I guess it’s obvious, but if you ever spent anytime online looking for a job (before you inevitably get frustrated and watch puppy videos), didja ever notice all the people in the pictures look insanely  happy to be working there? They’re all smiles, white teeth, happy, rainbows and unicorn farts. Where are these UN approved mythical crack dens these people work?  

It's 8AM in the morning, and we are soooo happy!!

Yay cube rats!!

Next week, Sheila had to walk over hot coals for failing to get 5 extended warranty plans.

We want YOU to join a company none of us models work at!!

Where the hell is this Mickey D's?

No fucking way this broad works at Walmart, and if she does, she sure as hell ain't this happy about it.

Here’s a frightening video about being a cashier at Walmart. This is particularly scary video for many reasons. Some high ranking suit thought this was a realistic representation of an experience at Walmart. OK, quick show of hands, have you EVER had an experience like this at Walmart? Of course not. This video is also scary because over 683,000 people have watched it so far. 683K. And my man Darrell is doing his best to sell it. Still, I am sure this is a legit training video in Walmart.

And for the record, I am not making fun of anyone who works retail. I spend a lot of time in various retail/grocery stores for my current job. Working retail is not an easy gig at all.

So today I bought some Pokemon underwear. Now, we play the waiting game…

I see blue balls.

..

I was gonna use the above joke on my FB page today, but decided to put it here as a special bonus for the few brave souls who read my stuff.

My Monday blues are strong this particular Monday. Viewings of Cops and the Maury Povich show are not lifting my spirits. I decide to GIS “hot girls who think I’m hot.” It comes back all memes. Thanks, Google. 

That's all I got today, kids. I hope your day was better than mine.

See you tomorrow?