#VoteForKev2020; Campaign Slogans

Look, I don’t get very political on my social media. Many of you do, and that’s fine. It seems most of my social media streams have been political, especially after this Trump press conference (Which I did not watch. But I saw enough headlines ferreted around all the articles, I’m pretty sure I got a firm grasp.) I can’t imagine you will ever get much political thought from me; and honestly, my ‘talent’ and style is everything to drag you away from the real world for a few paragraphs and hopefully a few laughs. Does anyone remember laughter? Seeing all the angst on the socials tonight was like a big ol’ Bat signal that we all needed to have a brief laugh amidst all this rancor.

No, not this kind of Rancor, the other angrier, non Star Wars kind of rancor.

A few months ago, at the end of one of my blogs you all read and thought hilarious but never freaking bothered to tell me, I floated the hash tag #VoteForKev2020. So, while I was showering tonight, I got a great idea for a quick and dirty blog that can lighten the mood of America for just a brief moment. And, yes, most of my great ideas come to me in the bathroom.

Anywhoo, if I do decide to formally launch a candidacy for President, I guess there would be some forms or something I’d have to fill out at the library or post office. But what good is filling out a form if I don’t at least have some catchy campaign slogans? That’s like more than half the battle, right? So here’s what I’ve come up with to sway all the yahoos in the swing states.

Someone who can unite both parties in their common disdain of me.

I can’t do any worse. Like, literally, I can’t do any worse.

I am pretty sure I can make a federal holiday each out of man crush Monday and woman crush Wednesday.

#WCW is also hump day. probably not a coincidence. 

I can’t golf.

Surrounded by people who will actually know what they’re doing.

They call him….The Unfucker.

Keeper of promises. A real promise keeper. But not like those creepy Promise Keepers. A promise keeper in a not creepy way.

Better hair for a better America.

He has a dog!

Identifies with the youth of America. Especially the college girls.

Patriots. Also, #WCW

A race fan, but not a racist.

Another reason to hate Jr.

He pretty much hates everyone equally.

Knows how to handle the North Korea problem because he saw The Interview. Twice.

Something, something, both sides, both sides.

Has no problem showing you his emails, though they are mostly about penis enlargement.

Will release his tax records. As well as his debut calypso record!

Easily the best man for the job. Especially if his opponent is another broad.

He was the President of the Queensryche fan club, so he’s pretty sure he can run America.

If you can find a better candidate, then you should probably vote for them, you Commie pinko bastard.

Promises to open up Area 51.

Has no skeletons in his closet, but a few beneath his parents’ basement.

Bravely instituting an idiot tax.

Once won an argument with a woman.

He’s the man for our times. Or at least the next 4 years.

Supports single moms, ifyaknowwhatImean.

You knew what I meant.

Never murdered anyone.

Protecting America from the Bobadook.

Alt music, not alt right/left.

A master debater.

I’m with him.

A drinker like the rest of us.

Go ahead and judge, but this is the demographic that will get me into the Oval Office.

His parents would vote for him.

Ignorance of international affairs = fresh eyes and new ideas.

The Cure for Idiocy.

You don’t learn if you don’t make mistakes. He’s hungry to learn.

Putting the rum in decorum.

Unplugged: Why It's OK To Take a Vacation From Your Phone

Look, I hate writing these ‘voice of reason’ posts. You guys all expect me to have a point, an experience, or an idea and to express it rather hilariously. Recently, I have identified an issue that is a huge epidemic, yet no one seems to talk about it or discuss it. There is an issue slowly killing us all, and I hate to be the one to bring up. I am sure CNN, Fox News, Time and all other sorts of media –both fake and real- will be placing their interview requests for me after I bring this up, but here we go.

The stockiest of stock photos I could find.

GUYS, IT’S TIME TO PUT THE FUCKING PHONES DOWN.

I recently-like literally just a few scant hours ago-returned from a week long vacation. More than any other year, I felt grateful to just even have the opportunity to spend a week at my favoritest place in the world; the beach. Not everyone has this opportunity. Now maybe you are one of those freaks who doesn’t love the beach. That’s OK, though a bit mind boggling to me. But I am willing to bet you DO have a place you go to that relaxes, recharges, refocuses, inspires, chills, calms, heals, excites you. Maybe it’s a week camping or hiking or skiing, whatever; you do have your happy place. I just prefer some bikini girls be hanging around my happy place.

Anyone know what dafuq beach this is?

This phone epidemic hit me especially as I made my two annual boardwalk runs. As I ran-poorly, awkwardly and slowly-the numbers of people/zombies who were mindlessly lost in their phones on a fanfreakingtastic summer morning next to the ocean was staggering. Aside from the personal safety standpoint of being surrounded by a bunch of runners and bikers, these people were oblivious. Trust me, the thought hit me more than once that if I barreled through some of these morons like I was a bad guy running away in an action movie. I would be doing the world a favor and teaching a very valuable lesson. This attitude is also exactly why I could never be a teacher.

Truth.

Though a bit off topic but related to running, here’s another pro tip, ya shoobies; recently, shrewd developers have taken to building “outlet” shopping centers near vacation spots. Here’s the dirty truth; very few of these stores are true “outlets” and most are just a store for that brand. It’s pretty much the same shit you can buy back at home for the same price. Still, this doesn’t deter the vacationing masses from descending on these “outlet” stores like hawks on prey. Just because you suddenly think you can now afford Under Armour doesn’t mean you should go buy it. For example, the few days I did drag myself to run on the boardwalk, I saw tons of out of towners wearing brand new Under Armour stuff. And by the way some of these blobs looked, I really though the UA stood for UnActive. Just because you can buy it, doesn’t mean you should wear it. Full disclosure, there was one day I just happened to be wearing mostly UA stuff, and I did not run any faster or feel less like shit when my horrible run was over. My moobs, though, did appreciate the additional support. So, what was I saying? Oh yea…

PUT THE FUCKING PHONE DOWN AND LOOK AT THE LIFE PASSING YOU BY.

“Hey, Tom, how was your vacation?”

“Great, Fred! Stared at my phone all day!”

While I was on vacation, I saw people texting in no less than four different dangerous positions:

Walking

Driving.

Skateboarding.

Bicycling.

I could only hope they were texting Darwin, because we need to clear the herd of such dipshits.

Now I can already hear some of you sissymaries whining. “But I use my phone for important stuff! I was calling the sitter! I was texting my husband! My mom called so of course I let it go straight to voicemail and now I’m just seeing what she wanted!” Look, I get in some cases it is a necessary call or text to make sure Jaws didn’t make off with your dog and your kids. But when you’re lost in your phone for extended periods of time, you’re losing what’s around you.

I consciously made the decision to unplug as much as I could. No email, no socials, no score checking. And you know what? It was awesome! The sun came up and the world spun around and I saw a lot more of it than the doofus glued to his phone.

I stayed off the book of Face as much as possible. I posted exactly 2 statuses to FB, neither one vacation based. And on those rare times I did log in –thanks to slow ass bartenders- you know what I missed? Absolutely nothing. The same cat pictures, the same political posts, the same piss-in-my-Cheerios posts.

So predictable. If anything, I had a sudden twinge of guilt over not posting my usual brilliance. All my poor friends, crying out for my witty posts to make FB all worth it wallowing in literally the same shit every freaking day. Though, that twinge quickly disappeared as a cold one appeared. Yay beer!

And speaking of drinking while on vacation, I felt no urge whatsoever to post the same picture everybody else does. Pop quiz, hot shot; is this picture of a beer like looking liquid in an unmarked glass from an exotic bar or the shithole down the street?

Q; From a legendary bar in County Cork or the dumpy TGI Fridays in the mall?
A No one cares.

Like, seriously, rookie, knock this shit off. More pro tips from your pal Kev. Your friends should thank me.

Being on the beach is no less different. I didn’t even bring my phone. Yet there were plenty of jabronis who stared at a 4 inch screen instead of the ocean RIGHT FUCKING IN FRONT OF THEM. And not just the twatty girls you’d expect, but every type of moron. Me, I brought my iPod and this thing called a book-not with pages to color but to read! (I know, I know, my white socks were pulled up to my knees and my walker was next to me. I know I’m sounding all old man here, but you know I am right regardless.) Beautiful weather, sun out, the ocean in front of you, sandy toes, ocean breeze-but I guess these dipshits gotta check their Foursquare or look for deals on eBay or what not. Can people buy a clue on eBay yet?

So here’s my point. It’s OK to unplug from your phone and social media. In fact, it’s really healthy. You don’t have to document every single thing on your vacation. Newsflash-most of us could give two smelly shits about your GD vacation. So not only do us a favor, but more so for yourself-put the phone away and live in these moments. Trust me, I assure you there will be a time and it may be sooner rather than later-that you wish you could be in your happy place; the sounds, the smells, the sights. Those are the things I am holding onto from this vacation. Don’t spend this time checking in on a meaningless baseball or preseason football game. Your teams suck, anyway. The people you follow on social media who don’t even follow you back don’t appreciate you are wasting your precious vacation time looking at their pictures. You can do that at work, but don’t let this week slip from you. The end of vacation is a brutal bastard.