I never thought I would ever write a book. I never even
wanted to. My wit and wisdom works in small, measured doses of awesomeness. But
today, dear readers, is your lucky day. I have, in fact, written a book. And it’s
a book we all need. And since I’m such a righteous dude, I am going to give
this book away-FREE even though most of you refuse to ever
acknowledge anything I write. (Go figure, I am the only one who can do
something nice and still be bitter about it.) So, are you ready for your FREE,
and dare I say, life-changing, book?
That you can print out at home?
The Kevolution Theory Guide to Living in The Moment and Letting Shit Go
Chapter
1) Living In the Moment
Page
1 Live in the moment
Chapter
2) Let Shit Go
Page
2 Let shit go
The End
Be sure
to buy the audio book.
Now how do I get this thing on the NY Times best seller
list?
Lately, I’ve been getting into some self help books. Some
serious and full of New Age hooey, but mostly these two; The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson and You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero.
OK, OK, I know what you’re all thinking. “But Kev, you’re
pretty fucking awesome and kind of dreamy, I don’t know that you can get anymore
perfect!” Well, you’re right, but also, that is the rub with these self-help
books. And by rub, I mean scam.
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| Also, one of my favorite Del Amitri songs. |
There is this God-awful car commercial I see 5 times a night
because I’m only watching the Stanley Cup Playoffs. It’s for a hybrid and has
these creepy figures from the top of trophies magically come to life and run
beside the car. Yea, I don’t get it either, but I am sure the spot cost
millions, and teams of people worked to make it look that way. Anywhoo, it ends
with all the creepy trophy people saying in unison, “Because better is a never
ending quest.” Aside from being one of the most douchy things I’ve ever heard,
it is also very, very true. Better is
never ending. It always goes on and on. You can always bench 5 pounds more, run
a faster mile, earn an extra dollar, etc. That’s the thing about “better”, it’s
not quantifiable. There is no end point. And that is the psychology used to sell
DVDs, magazine subscriptions and bullshit self-help books.
I am kinda embarrassed to admit I have read more than my
fair share of self help books, and generally I find the buy in factor to be
rather large. It’s easy for us all to admit we may be lacking in certain areas,
and there is a constant voice -or voices-in our head that has a constant
dialogue that is nothing but garbage. If we can shut that voice-one book called
it “the inner roommate”-up we can largely live in the moment and be present. Which
is universally hailed as a good thing.
Here is something I am really embarrassed to admit; I once read
an Eckhart Tolle book. OK, more like tried
to read an Eckhart Tolle book. It was a hundred pages of dancing around the
entire crux (look it up. I’m talking heavy duty topics, so I feel the need to
use important words.) of his theory. After tickling your ass with a feather for
half the damn book, his big secret is…. SPOILER ALERT….
YOU ARE GOD.
Huh? That’s it. Like, literally, that’s it? That’s what you’ve been dancing around so long for? That’s the
best you can do? How many people got to
that point and threw the book down in disgust and disappointment? The answer?
Apparently not too fucking many, because his brand of bull shit made him a
bajillion dollars and I’m here in two socks that only match where the holes in
the feet are.
Let’s break down his bullshit. YOU ARE GOD.( In his big
reveal, he used all caps.) OK….um……no. That makes zero sense. In both the
singular and plural use of “you.” If he means the singular ‘you’, then he means
me because I am the reader. And I sure ain’t God, because this would be
a much better world full of puppies, umbrella drinks and roller coasters. If he
means the plural ‘you,’ he means every other knuckle head out there, and we can
all see that is clearly not the case. I don’t think you can “God” (“God” being
used as a verb here.) by committee. The Avengers couldn’t do it, so us normal
folk can’t do it either. Should you need further proof we can’t God by committee,
please look at the nearest globe, and realize some morons believe the Earth is
flat. I rest my case.
If we back it up just a bit, who the bloody hell has ever
met a dude named “Eckhart?” Eckhart is the name of the squirrely guy with the
glasses and sweater tied around his neck at the keg trying to fit in by spewing
bullshit. Seriously, are you gonna take advice from an “Eckhart?” No, dingus,
you’re not. But if you meet a dude at the keg named Kevin… OK, so maybe I am
not being very PC by making fun of a guy for his name. But I’m still calling
bullshit, this sounds way made up, so I am going to Google his real name.
AHA! I was right! Eckhart isn’t even his real name. Turns
out his real first name is Cosmo! Just kidding. His real first name is…Ulrich?
What the fuckety fuck?! Given the choice, I’m taking Ulrich every time. He
apparently changed his name to Eckhart “in an homage to German
sprritual leader, philosopher and mystic Meister Eckhart.” Yea, OK, so not
haughty sounding at all. Sounds like this guy is certainly familiar with the
ego. I guess that means I can just change my name to Yoda Deadpool Theory
and everyone would have to call me that? Dopes.
Now, I have to see what this guy looks like. Maybe the
message gets stronger when I see the vessel. And for the record, this is what
an Eckhart Tolle looks like
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| A guy who knows his shit OR a guy who is full of shit? You decide. |
You buying the bullshit this guy is spewing? No, of course
not. But if this bullshit was coming from a 23 year old yoga chick, I would be
enthralled because it would be the most fascinating thing I’ve heard all week.
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| "Honey, I have NO IDEA what you're talking about, but I am all in." |
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| "And who is your friend?" |
The two common themes in these quasi self-help books are
always live in the moment and let shit go. I have just saved you oodles of time
and money. The least you could do would be to buy an autographed copy of my
book. You DO believe in karma, right?
“Living in the moment” is truly a never-ending pursuit. Any
book will tell you it is incredibly difficult to master. Sound familiar? I will
be honest and tell you I have found this to be sadly true. It’s almost GD
impossible to live in the moment. There is just too much noise these days, both
inside and outside of us. I will give you one pro tip that has helped me. If
you are a regular reader of these self-help types of media, you always know,
there is a list or a set of rules to follow. So, to simplify your life, and
live in the moment, here’s 30 more rules to help you out. Sounds legit.
I’m not gonna be like that. I am not going to give this
practice a name, you can do that if you’d like. I will just tell you what I do.
Now, if I was a lesser, hack writer like good old Mr. Tolle, I would dance
around this topic for the next 100 pages. But I’m not going to do that. So here
it is;
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| "Me swipe right! Look at the brains on this one!" |
I do my best to only look at one screen at a time. What does
that mean? I put the fucking phone down and watch TV. I don’t Tweet about it or
look at the show’s hashtags. The screen can be what you see, so I do my best to
not be constantly staring at my phone while I am out. If you ever watch a
hockey game, there is always idiots who shell out good money for seats right
behind the players’ bench, then they stare at their phone the entire time. Going
deeper in a metaphorical sense, one screen is your eyes; what you’re seeing.
Don’t waste a beautiful day staring at your phone. One screen at a time.
Namaste, bitches!
Another topic these books like to yenter on about is the use
of mantras. Some books that are full of sunshine and unicorn farts suggest the
use of repeating mantras-or making little notes for yourself, same thing-is
quite dandy on your road to bulls…um…living in the moment. The mere practice of
repeating the same thing over and over and over and over again will somehow
unleash the universe to shine down upon you and make it true. Jimmy Buffett has
a song called Creola that I heard in a geezer bar the other day. In it, he has
a line that goes something like, “Just repeat the words I say, about a thousand
times a day.” Who the hell has this kind of time or OCD? Really, a freakin’
thousand times a day, Jimmy?
To be journalistic and all, I tried the repeating mantra
thing. One book (Awesome, IIRC) has you repeating something like, “I am brilliant, bright and beautiful.” I tried it. I never felt bright, brilliant or least
of all beautiful. And this was while I was still in the geezer bar. Maybe this mantra
thing will work with you guys. Please repeat the following about “a thousand
times a day” and let me know what happens:
“Kev Theory is the best thing on the internet and I should
send him gobs of money to reflect his talent. Also, I feel pretty.”
Other books (Fuck IIRC, my memory is shit anymore) suggest
the use of mantras is quite damaging. His theory is you are only reinforcing
the things you don’t have. Can you
tell what theory I subscribe to? Just because you say or think
something repeatedly doesn’t increase the odds something fantastic will happen.
You think any guy just repeats “Even though I have bad hair and am morally
bankrupt and probably a racist and homophobe, damn it, one day I’ll be
President!” No, clearly that will never happen.
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| "Wait. I can prevent forest fires AND also do anything? Lucky day, lucky day!" |
I’m not saying there is not a time and a place for
motivational and inspiring quotes and slogans. Some people use apps that
display an inspirational quote on their phone every morning. If
these quotes are something that work for you, great. A trip to the book store
or library might be in order. Or maybe just start following that one friend again;
you know, the one that posts 20 GD inspirational quotes a day. We all have one,
and my research shows them to be generally empty shells of people.
Which brings me to another point of wisdom I have gleaned
from all these self-help books, articles and posts. You’re never going to find
one theory, practice or author you always agree with. And that’s OK. My
experience has been optimal when I do find the bits, pieces and practices that
I do agree with, believe, or seem to
work for me. You may-and most likely-find a book to be 70% bewlshit and 30%
useful. Take that useful stuff and let the rest of that shit go. See what I did
there?
I could go on. As I take a look at the word count for this
post, I can see it’s one of my longest in recent memory. I will wrap up with
this. I have given you the information and tools to live in the moment and let
shit go. This is not an easy endeavor, but the payoff is (supposed to be) pretty
fricking sweet. You have lots of options and routes, and, truth be told, it
will take a combination of everything you learn to lead you to Valhalla or
Nirvana or whatever I am supposed to call it. Now go live your best life!!!
Sincerely,
Yoda Deadpool Theory
DVD Bonus Content
"Here and Now" by Del Amitri I referenced above
