Four in the morning
Came without a warning
Everybody’s got a place to be
-Night Ranger
Being unemployed, I spent a lot of time existing (because I sure as hell won’t call this living) in my house. I have become attuned to many things that previously would be unheard and unseen. Lately, I have become attuned to many sounds that previously were just ‘wallpaper’. It’s funny when you slow down, the things you can catch. Quiet can be so loud sometimes.
My house is no different. It’s a cacophony of sounds on days like this. Sometimes it’s all comforting; other times its pretty disconcerting. There are sounds that are constant. For example, the ticking of the Homer Simpson clock downstairs in the living room. The ticks can travel all the way upstairs to the bathroom. If I put another battery in the clock, Homer will issue one of his trademark quotes at the top of every hour. Yea, that’s pretty cool, but that got real old real quick the first few days. Plus it was freaking the dog out. So now we save Homer for just the special occasions, like wakes.
Our new fridge makes sounds. (It never fails, once you lose your job, every major appliance will fail. So far we’ve bought a dryer, washer and fridge.) It also has the annoying habit of freezing the icemaker. Ice gets caught in the chute, and the motor won’t turn to crush the ice. This has happened twice, and it’s a fucker both times. We’ve resorted to pouring hot water through the ice maker to melt the clogged ice. It’s not a very neat process, at least Bauer licks up all the water on the floor. I swear, if it was ethical to put Spic n Span on his tongue, I would have him clear the floors. Every few days, I will get some ice for my water, just to keep the chute clear. Then I will hear water run into the freezer, and a few more rounds of ice will drop during the day.
If it’s a windy day, the flag outside (duh) will whip back and forth. The wall will creak as the flag blows. There are the normal creaks and moans that any 50 year old house will have. Fortunately, it is not the scary kind, like footsteps on major joists shattering. And the toilet runs like a motherfucker.
Bauer performs his own concerts. You can hear his nails as he continues to scratch our exposed hardwood floors to shit. Even his dog tags emit a certain jingle that is all his own. That is actually pretty comforting. He’ll groan as he plops down on the floor. He’ll bark when other dogs walk by. Or the mailman. Or the Jehovah’s Witnesses, which is OK because I trained him to do that.
Over the last few weeks, months actually, there’s been a new sound. It happens twice. One seems to be intermittently on its own schedule. The other time is at freaking 4 o’clock every morning. I am a light sleeper. Often, I won’t hear its digital cry at 4AM. The last few weeks however, the alarm has gotten me almost every morning. I guess it’s not all bad, there have been times it’s awakened me from nightmarish dreams. You know the one with the scary monster that is chasing you and your feet won’t move? You just stand there as this killer rages towards you. The 4 AM beep can be a savior.
No one likes to get woken up at 4 fucking AM. Doesn’t matter what the cause. Kid crying, smoke alarm going off, bloodthirsty killer coming up the stairs. We’ve all been there. We hear that foreboding and unexplainable sound, and roll over in our warm bed praying it’s just nothing. Or nudge our mate, and pretend to be asleep so they can go put out that grease fire in the kitchen. It’s clear that over the last few weeks, I’ve been waking up at 4 when this hidden alarm goes off. It sounds like a digital alarm from a watch or stopwatch. Not terribly loud, but loud enough. Not big, but small enough to hide when it goes off.
The 4 AM wake up call doesn’t jive with me too well. Usually because I have to get up half a dozen times a night and go pee. We don’t have one of dem dere fancy bedrooms with the bathroom right next to the bed. Well, technically, we do have a small deck right off our bedroom that I might or might not have pissed off of during the summer. I’ll let the neighbors figure that one out. The bathroom is the other end of the hall. Not a long trip, but enough to keep me awake for another 45 minutes or so. You can imagine I am not thrilled to hear the digital rooster go off at 4. So one morning, I’m whizzing away, when I hear it go off. Ha! The stars have aligned! I run downstairs to try to track it down. I’m like a blind Perry Mason. The alarm stops before I can track it down. It’s coming from the dining room, possibly the closet. Bauer, who usually sleeps under the dining room table is looking at me like WTF are you doing? Now he’s up, and he wants to pee, too. I let him out as I stare into the black night, promising this will be the last time this happens to me. A fire is lit.
The next morning, I am now bent on finding this damn thing. I diligently tear everything apart in the closet. It’s a mess of various shit we haven’t used in years; sleeping bags, party favors, my pride, etc. And bags, lots and lots of bags. Backpacks, gym bags, hockey bag, sacks. It is in one of these that I find a stopwatch. Ha! I have finally found the culprit! Now if I can only somehow include this in my resume. I remove the battery, and leave it on my desk as a sign of victory. Ah, yes it sure will be sweet to sleep through 4 AM tomorrow…
My body wakes up a few minutes before the chirping would start. It’s somehow gotten on a schedule because of all this. But I will soon head back to sweet, sweet slumber come…. FUCK! Is that the alarm still going off?? WTF? I thought I got it! Shit! Shit, shit, shit. My wife rolls over, “I thought you said you got that thing?” “Yea, me too.”
As I Klog this now, I still hear that occasional beep. Fuck, this is pissing me off. T found a stopwatch in her schoolbag that might now be the culprit. And I believe I turned the alarm off. Now I will get a screwdriver (the tool, not the drink, although that might not be a bad idea, either) and pop the battery out of that. Hopefully, that will be it. Well, I better get to bed, I might have an early call tomorrow…
Bonus material
Commentary
OK, I admit, this is a rather quick and dirty Klog. It’s more of an exercise than my usual attempt at humor. Lately, I’ve been reading books about writing. And I’m trying to incorporate some things I’ve learned. This Klog is a bit more like a ‘slice of life’ piece then my usual stuff. I tried to bring in some minor details to make it feel like you hear all the usual sounds that go on in my house. So please forgive me if this wasn’t the usual “funniest Klog you’ve ever read” post. I hope you enjoyed it anyway, and please feel free to tell me if you didn’t.
Plus, I always wanted to start a Klog by quoting one of my favorite bands. Now I just gotta figure out how to start a Klog with Dogstar….
No comments:
Post a Comment