So let’s take some quick stock of the world around us.
Cancer? Check. AIDS? Check. Pollution? Cough and check.
You would think in the year 2016, all these “scientists”
would finally be earning their keep and figuring some shit out. Well, you’d be
wrong. But, oh, the guys (there are no girl scientists, right?) are busy all
right.
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| Wanna study anatomy? |
They’re busy figuring out dogs
don’t like to be hugged. Really, you sciency, nerdy people, this is what
you’re paid to do? What happened to being super geniuses, or at least super
villians in the comic books? Suddenly, I want to become a scientist. Where do I
sign up to earn a hefty check for doing nothing? Or is this an elected
position? (ZING!)
So the author of this theory based it on the following:
"Fortunately
for me, the Internet abounds with photographs of people and their pets. If you
put the search terms "hug dog" or "love dog" into
something like Google Image Search, or Flickr, you will get a virtually
infinite scroll of pictures of people and their children hugging their pet
dogs. I decided to look at a random sample of 250 such pictures. I used a
variety of criteria to try to keep the data as clean and precise as possible. I
only used photos where the dog's face was clearly visible. I also eliminated
situations where one might expect the dog's stress level to rise because of
factors other than being hugged (such as when someone lifts a large dog off the
ground while hugging them)."
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| OK, so this dog looks petrified. To be honest, so would I. |
OK, so maybe I only watched Weird Science one time, but I think I know enough to see the glaring
flaw based on his research. If you have a presence on Flickr, or your pictures
easily show up in a GIS, I think it is very safe to make the argument you are a
self absorbed, annoying as hell twit. Why? Because, most likely, you have tons
of clichéd pictures (cough, selfies, cough) that you constantly shoot out to
your social media. I don’t have the time to follow my hypothesis (look it up,
and, NO, I didn’t need SpellCheck for that) but I am willing to bet these same
Flickr pictures came from accounts that were also chock full of pictures of
food, drinks, leaves, cemeteries, train tracks, peace signs, duck lips and
other over used imagery.
And, look, we all know dogs
are smart. These dogs know that their owners are kinda douchy. They can
smell that, after all. So, of course when an owner throws his/her arms around
Poochie, the dog is all like, “OK, hoomin. Enough. You’re nice and all and give
me a good home. But…you can be kind of a jit stain, and that’s why I hump the
couch when you’re not around.” You look at some of the pictures in question,
and you’re not seeing anxiety or stress. You’re seeing shame.
For further proof, I just performed an experiment. Anyone
see the Human Centipede movies? Well,
that will be my next experiment. I just went and hugged my dog. Guess what? His
ears didn’t go down; in fact they perked up. He didn’t look away from me or
tense up, he sank into me. He didn’t make any moves to escape my embrace. Once
again, science, you FAIL! You think I’m gonna believe you about global warming
now? HA!
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| Inside job. Duh. |
So I let my boy out in the front yard because he just wolfed
dinner and usually has to take a smash. He does his usual ritual, and just as
he gets to poopin’ he stares at me. OK, science people, I imagine you are
working around the clock to figure this Zika virus thing out, you surely can’t
tell me why he looks at me when he’s deucing.
Well,
motherf……. OK, again this info is all suspect. But, can we get you dorks
working on more pressing things like curing hangovers or why whatever line I choose
moves the slowest?
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