The Things I Am Too Chickenshit To Say on Facebook

I admit, I’ve been checking out on Facebook recently. For a lot of reasons. Life is more than looking at your phone. (Wow, that sounds philosophical coming from a twit like me.) I’ve just found myself generally getting annoyed and wasting vast amounts of time. I know I’ve missed a lot of birthdays, and I really don’t care if people miss mine. Which just happens to be this month, BTW. My theory is if you don’t have a present for me, just don’t say anything at all, it’s cool.

So as I lurked through FB recently, one of the reasons why I have been ditching it became apparent; a lot of my FB friends have become annoying. And someone needs to say something.

Ugh, this shit again.

Now, I have no problem speaking my mind, as my five longtime readers of this here blog are well aware of. But the thing about the written word is it can be taken so many different ways. At times it’s become a cop out. It has become so much easier to text people on the phone than actually use the damn phone for it’s original intent and talk to someone.

Hey! This is my secret, too!

I now see it as my duty to help straighten some of you guys out. However, the truth hurts. This week I’ve been going through Post Secret: Confessions on Life, Death and God. (If you are not familiar with the Post Secret website, do yourself a favor.)
It became clear to me the best way to call youze out on some of your shit without all the resulting butthurt is to do it anonymously. Remember, I am only doing this out of love. Or spite. OK, mostly spite. Finally, a post all about YOU!

Your children are ugly. Maybe your friends don’t want to tell you, but it’s apparent. So how about less pictures, eh?

Your boobs are great, and I wish you would show them off more.

No one cares what movie you are watching.

You can post all the hippy trippy, karma, new age-y, Buddha, Hindu and Dalai Lama quotes, pictures and memes you want. I see through that bullshit and know you’re still the same judgmental cocksucker you always have been.

You’re pro Trump. WE GET IT!

You’re anti Trump. WE GET IT!

You're a winner!

I admire that you are so socially and politically aware. But, GD, I really do miss your funny posts.

I would totally bang your wife.

And yours.

And your girlfriend.

And yours.

Is your full time job just posting vapid shit on Facebook 20 times a day? Because that’s all you seem to do.

You don’t have to take every survey you see. No one cares what 70’s sitcom character you are.

I dropped you from my feed. The only reason I haven’t unfriended you is because when I am feeling down about myself, I lurk your page and think, “Thank God, I am not this flaming dipshit.” Thank you for making me feel better about myself, friend. (And I know I can’t be the only one that hangs on to some FB friends like this, right?)

No, I will NOT play freaking Candy Crush Saga with you, so knock it off with the requests.

I had the BIGGEST crush on you in high school, but I never had the balls to tell you.

I think you’re not on FB very much because you do a real good job of just going out and living your life.

The entertainment value in your self indulgent, proselytizing posts is only surpassed by your constant misspelling of common words.

Dude, not everything is a conspiracy theory, OK?

Or is that just what I want you to think?

You’re way too old to be posting shitty pop music lyrics. It’s getting kinda creepy now.

I think some of your best one liners are copied from someone else, and as a “writer” it pisses me off you don’t give them the credit.

Every time you post a picture, I get an alert and I don’t know how to make it stop.

“Oh, look, another picture of the wing from inside the plane.”

Posting pictures of an unknown beer in an unmarked glass has been deemed lame.

No more than three hashtags in a single post is the agreed upon limit. Look it up.

A picture of a plate of food serves no purpose. Just because you’re not eating at Red Robin for a change doesn’t make a damn of difference.

And BTW, checking in from Red Robin is gauche.

You are too old to be taking selfies in public bathrooms.

Can I just designate only one of you to post the Trump bits from SNL?

Your love for shitty 90s rock bands is getting more embarrassing.

I know what you did last summer.

Boobs.

All this so called “drama” you proclaim to be so against is all of your own making, bonehead.

You claim to be “family first” but I know for a fact, you never have been. And more and more people are seeing that, too.

Just because I don’t update my status every 17 seconds for the latest cause de celebre, doesn’t mean I am a bad person. It just means I am spending time in the real world and don’t have time to read your constant nonsense.

Facebook is not your PR firm, so knock it off.

Why in bloody hell do you keep watching a show that makes you cry? How is that even fun?

If you're "checking in" at the gym, just a FYI this doesn't count as "working out."

God, this is worse than Crossfit.

You really are gullible, aren't you?

I guess I have to bring this up again, but God is not on Facebook. 

I feel like there could be more. There probably is more. But I hear the pizza guy at the door and someone has to eat the two pizzas and wings I ordered.