Everybody Is Not Crazy About a Sharp Dressed Man; My Day In a Tux

I hate tuxes. (I was once told in a writing class I never took, that your first sentence should set up your piece. And I think that sentence is a pretty strong example of that.)

So I have to get a tux for a wedding I am going to. Did you get that? Not in, but going to. What horse shit is that? I could see if I was in the wedding party, fine. But to go to a wedding? I will have to eat three dinners and just move my chair to the bar to begin to recoup my losses here.

I don’t know whoever came up with the idea of the tuxedo. But if there is a hell, I hope they are there, suffering the worst eternal fate possible. Like, I don't know; WEARING A TUXEDO! While being forced to listen to Celine Dion. In French. Suffer, you sick bastard.

I don’t like tuxedos. I have only worn a tux a handful of times as I have been in a wedding or two. I actually didn't wear a tux to any of my proms. BECAUSE I DIDN'T GO! And I don’t care what those whiny ass bridesmaids say, tuxes are far more uncomfortable than whatever garish nonsense they are wearing.

"Testicles are not part of the deal."

First, the whole process is quite demeaning. You have to go to some hawty tawty store where some handsy little jerkoff has to measure you. They give you a generic white shirt to get your chest measurements. I am sure they wash it after every fitting. They also make you wear a pair of generic pants to get those measurements. Note to the fellas; don’t go to Men’s Wearhouse freeballing. They will NOT like the way you look. Then some dude will run a measuring tape over various parts of your body. I am sure the broad who is Wonder Woman didn't get man handled like I did. I told my guy to not make the chest too tight, as I still had some chest days to do before the wedding. He looked at me and said “Do you even lift, bro?” Asshole.

So let me get this straight. I will most likely wear an undershirt. Then a button down shirt. Then a vest. Then a suit jacket. Then turn the heat on in the oven by restricting any airflow with a tie. How is this comfortable? How is this sexy? I’m pretty sure if you put one of those ghost huntery type heat cams on me, my pits and FUPA would be red. No wonder overheating drunk guys often take off their ties and put it around their head Rambo style. They’re sweating their ass off. I feel like an onion, trapped under layers. As the night goes on, I am sure I will begin to smell like an actual onion.

At least hide a bunny in there or give me those never ending hankies in the pocket so I can do some tricks or something.  I will need a thirty minute head start just to open the door to fit though when I am finished. How does one feel comfortable with 18 layers of clothes on? I feel like the Rock says; “10 pounds of monkey crap in a 5 pound bag.” And who in the blue hell wants a five pound bag of monk…..

"Damn it, Rock! I walked right into that one."

And, o yea, by the way, some other rank dude just wore this same exact thing, so do you really think it’s clean? That thought will keep me up in my hotel room as I sleep in between sheets with my head on the pillow, drinking a glass of water that is also holding the remote control.

This is way too dressed up for me. I am out of my element. I feel most comfortable in flips, board shorts and a well-worn concert T. If I can ever find a job where that is the dress code, I think I will have found my calling. Until then, the only thing I can tell you is that is not the outfit to wear to any job interview. If only Career Builder told me that sooner.

And tuxes aside, why do we need the tie? What purpose does it serve? Is it supposed to cover up the buttons or something? It serves little purpose other than getting trapped in paper shredders and pulling the wearer into a gruesome, yet compact death. Have they done that yet in a Final Destination?

(I've never seen the movies, but I am pretty sure this is all the good parts.)

"What's that? Aunt Cloris died? I'm ready."

I have exactly 6 ties

Fish tie-every guy has to own one 

A tie that is an actual piano that I won at Dave and Busters. Only cost me $67

A tie that lights up-for New Years Eve. And funerals, I guess

A Simpsons tie

A Loony Tunes Tie

A Jerry Garcia tie. What else the formal man needs, I do not know.

(Note; I don't know why the rest is formatted like this. But I am too lazy to change it, so just deal, huh?)

Look, I won’t bore you all the details. I went to the wedding. There were many other tools there, stuffed into ill-fitting tuxedos. We’d pass each other and silently nod, as if we were saying, “I feel you brother. You are not suffering alone here. And did you see the bozingas on the blonde bridesmaid? Woot woot!” 

I was hit on by almost every available girl at the reception, as well as a few of the “taken” girls. All because I had a tux on. OK, that is a lie. I didn’t get hit on at all, and three people thought I was a waiter. That’s OK, because I spit in their food anyway.

My shirt ended up falling out twice. I didn’t even use the cuff links, because who has time for that nonsense?  I took my jacket off, and walked around in the vest like I was some sort of hot shot Vegas card dealer. (I did make a cool 50 bucks playing the shell game.) My feet hurt in my shoes, so I ran around most of the night in socks. I found out the hard way the external pockets on the jacket were sewn shut when I tried to stuff some shrimp in there for the ride back to the hotel. And just because you are wearing a tux doesn’t mean you can pull off James Bond the bar when ordering your Malibu and diet “shaken, not stirred.”

The next day, I returned the tux. Now, you would think they would inspect such a fine garment from such a shady looking character, but they didn’t even bother. Guess they couldn’t smell the left over h'orderves in the pants pocket.

If you have ADD, you can follow me on the Twitter machine @ifyouseekev

DVD Bonus Material

Rejected Titles for This Post

No Tux Were Given This Day

How To Wear a Tux

How Not To Wear a Tux

Tuxedos Are For Cats and Penguins, Of Which I Am Neither

My Baby Fits Me Like a Flesh Tuxedo (massive internet points for anyone who gets that reference)

I Feel Like Taxidermy In My Tuxedo

How Live PD Got To Be My New Vice

I’m a man of many vices. Gambling. Gluttony. Miami. Girls who are above school girl age, but still dress like school girls. Rot gut rum. What was I talking about again? Some sort of devices?

As I sit, it’s Friday night, just past 8PM and I’m here staring at half naked college girls on Insta. How this differs from any other random weekday mornings is no different. Unless it’s Tequila Tuesday. Or Whiskey Wednesday. Don’t even get me started on Mouthwash Monday. All of this is probably why I haven’t posted a blog in a while. It’s always a party at the Theory Office. This is also probably why I’ve never made any money writing. But this is also probably why I get Xmas cards stuffed into empty bottles of rum from all the nearby liquor stores. So there’s that.

On any given Friday or Saturday night, you can probably find me at a bar. Or a party. Or in my backyard. But there will be a bottle of something near by. Occasionally, I will listen to my wuss liver, and be sober. Like tonight. And regardless if I’m shit faced or stone cold sober, there’s one thing I get great enjoyment in doing. And that’s watching other people fuck up for a change. To that end, the TV show Cops has always been a favorite of mine.

Cops is a great show. When I’m down and feeling blue, I find an episode and immediately feel better about myself. Because, I am at least not that knucklehead who just got busted on national TV. Everyone knows the show. It’s great ADD viewing, it’s like an anthology series without the creepy Crypt Keeper. Every story generally lasts 7-8 minutes. There’s a beginning, a middle and an end. And you’re on the way. Self esteem back to normal levels.

 Fox had a great idea for a TV show that was generally cheap; we’ll follow around cops as they do their job all day. Brilliant! Who doesn’t want to watch that? Let’s face it, we’ve always been drawn to police activity. Once you see those blue and red lights flashing in your street, you are intrinsically drawn to see WTF is going on. Did that weird neighbor finally kill his kids? Did the cats finally overpower the Crazy Cat Lady? 

Cops makes me feel better for two reasons. 1) There are actually brave ass men and women that will charge into the face of danger and risk their lives daily for people they don’t even know. 2) I’ve never done anything stupid enough to get arrested on national TV. And if that don’t make you feel better about your current point in life, at least you’re not that guy running around shirtless with the bad tattoos in the Save A Lot parking lot cranked on bath salts. #winningatlife

Cops is great Saturday night viewing. You’re most likely a beer or two into your evening. Probably heading out to meet some friends somewhere. It’s a pretty sobering reminder not to fuck up when you see some drunk running around topless in a Mickey D’s proclaiming they’re the “peace walker.” Or you’re just gonna sit home, have a few beers and let the TV rot the brain cells your Bud Lights aren’t already killing. “I’m just gonna watch other drunk/high jerk offs do incredibly stupid stuff and wallow in my buzz. And, hey, these are not my pants.”

I’ve often wondered about some of the perps on this show. I mean, how do you break it to work you once got arrested for soliciting a hooker in a sting operation? And the whole thing is on TV? Or how stupid does one have to feel for getting busted stealing things that are now worthless? I once saw an episode when they busted a couple for stealing video tapes from a Blockbuster. (You guys do know what video tapes and Blockbusters are, right?) Not only do you get busted for stealing a bunch of Schwarzenegger VHS tapes, but you get busted on national TV. And the show runs FOREVER. Can you imagine if you work with this guy today and never knew? There you are, watching an old episode of Cops, feeling all full of yourself. “Oh….oh my god! That’s Randy! Hey honey, come here! You know that tool at work I talk about all the time? Randy? He was arrested on Cops! For stealing video tapes! I can’t wait to tell everyone at work on Monday!” I mean, how stupid does Randy gotta feel? If he waited just a few more years and-boom!- all movies are free! Music, porn and books, too. Ah, Randy, you be feeling stupid now, son.

Along comes a show called Live PD on A&E. Essentially, some high paid exec just discovered Spike TV is 40% Cops reruns, and said, “Hey! I have an idea! Let’s rip off Cops, but we’ll do it live! And for three straight hours! Now someone order me my in ground pool with infinity edge!” Live PD is hosted by Dan Abrams, who is also the chief legal affairs anchor for ABC news and does not at all look pissed that he can’t get hammered at B Dubs on the weekends anymore.

I wonder what someone would do if they get busted on Live PD Friday night. I guess in some cases, they can bail out in the morning, but where do they go? Does their social media just become nothing but busting balls? “Hey, Tom, now I know why you missed brunch this morning, LOL!” “Tom, can I have your autograph, or at least your inmate number? LOL!” “Hey Tommy Boy! My meme generator is working overtime. See you Monday morning.” “Tom, stay away from my children.”

If you actually have a life on weekend nights, and don’t sit home watching TV and writing blogs no one reads, Live PD runs “live” for 3 hours. And for the folks who actually do go out to have a life, it reruns 12-3 AM. The show has expanded to Friday and Saturday nights, has a “rewind” show the hour before and then reruns pretty much the rest of the weekend. For example, I just pulled up the schedule, and episodes of Live PD air for 15 freaking hours on Saturday. (Conversely, it’s not lost on me that a 15 hour Live PD marathon can lead to an epic drinking game, and that sounds like a damn solid idea for my next blog. And possible appearance on the show.) This is a real easy way to feel good about ourselves, guys, without all the expensive meds. I’m not a doctor, but I play one on my blog. 

"Hi everybody!"

Conversely, it is also redeeming to go out on a Friday night, have safe but responsible fun, come home to your own bed (or not, depending on the situation), wake up late, and turn on A&E to see what knuckleheads couldn’t figure that shit out on their own. That’s so Randy.

I often wonder how the producers for Live PD pick the relatively small cities where they follow the cops. Does the conversation go, “Hi, yes, is this the mayor of Greenville County, SC? We’ve looked at the stats and there is a ridiculously high arrest rate for dipshits in your town. So how’s about we send multiple camera crews to document this, mmkay?”

"Where was this show when I was mayor of Toronto?"
(And yes, this is a Rob Ford joke in 2017.)

One can learn many a life lesson from shows like Live PD and Cops:

Generally, shirtless men are trouble.

Meth is a hell of a drug.

Every suspect proclaims their innocence. I saw one episode when the suspect proclaims his innocence, even though he was wearing his victims’ shirt and had his victims’ wallet in his pocket.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” = “I know EXACTLY what you’re talking about.”

We’re all just one stupid decision away from fucking up our life. So straighten up and fly right. (However, this lesson does not apparently apply to persons named Tiger Woods.)

NASCAR fans seem to be sorely over represented when it comes to getting arrested. It’s not like you ever see a Real Madrid fan getting arrested. Although I suppose they probably do in the British version, Live Bobby.

No one EVER says, “What the hell is with the cameras?”

All my neighbors who think I’m the asshole neighbor have NO IDEA how bad it can be. Also, unfortunately for them, I now do have an idea how bad it can be…

So what have we learned here? We've learned that there is an endless amount of stupid out in the streets. And that, as long as we are not that stupid, life is generally not as bad as it can be. Enjoy your weekend and y'all be safe. And if you do happen to get busted on Live PD, I will pay you $25 if you mention Kevolution Theory.

Cheap plug, follow me at @ifyouseekev for humor in more manageable 140 characters or less.