How Live PD Got To Be My New Vice

I’m a man of many vices. Gambling. Gluttony. Miami. Girls who are above school girl age, but still dress like school girls. Rot gut rum. What was I talking about again? Some sort of devices?

As I sit, it’s Friday night, just past 8PM and I’m here staring at half naked college girls on Insta. How this differs from any other random weekday mornings is no different. Unless it’s Tequila Tuesday. Or Whiskey Wednesday. Don’t even get me started on Mouthwash Monday. All of this is probably why I haven’t posted a blog in a while. It’s always a party at the Theory Office. This is also probably why I’ve never made any money writing. But this is also probably why I get Xmas cards stuffed into empty bottles of rum from all the nearby liquor stores. So there’s that.

On any given Friday or Saturday night, you can probably find me at a bar. Or a party. Or in my backyard. But there will be a bottle of something near by. Occasionally, I will listen to my wuss liver, and be sober. Like tonight. And regardless if I’m shit faced or stone cold sober, there’s one thing I get great enjoyment in doing. And that’s watching other people fuck up for a change. To that end, the TV show Cops has always been a favorite of mine.

Cops is a great show. When I’m down and feeling blue, I find an episode and immediately feel better about myself. Because, I am at least not that knucklehead who just got busted on national TV. Everyone knows the show. It’s great ADD viewing, it’s like an anthology series without the creepy Crypt Keeper. Every story generally lasts 7-8 minutes. There’s a beginning, a middle and an end. And you’re on the way. Self esteem back to normal levels.

 Fox had a great idea for a TV show that was generally cheap; we’ll follow around cops as they do their job all day. Brilliant! Who doesn’t want to watch that? Let’s face it, we’ve always been drawn to police activity. Once you see those blue and red lights flashing in your street, you are intrinsically drawn to see WTF is going on. Did that weird neighbor finally kill his kids? Did the cats finally overpower the Crazy Cat Lady? 

Cops makes me feel better for two reasons. 1) There are actually brave ass men and women that will charge into the face of danger and risk their lives daily for people they don’t even know. 2) I’ve never done anything stupid enough to get arrested on national TV. And if that don’t make you feel better about your current point in life, at least you’re not that guy running around shirtless with the bad tattoos in the Save A Lot parking lot cranked on bath salts. #winningatlife

Cops is great Saturday night viewing. You’re most likely a beer or two into your evening. Probably heading out to meet some friends somewhere. It’s a pretty sobering reminder not to fuck up when you see some drunk running around topless in a Mickey D’s proclaiming they’re the “peace walker.” Or you’re just gonna sit home, have a few beers and let the TV rot the brain cells your Bud Lights aren’t already killing. “I’m just gonna watch other drunk/high jerk offs do incredibly stupid stuff and wallow in my buzz. And, hey, these are not my pants.”

I’ve often wondered about some of the perps on this show. I mean, how do you break it to work you once got arrested for soliciting a hooker in a sting operation? And the whole thing is on TV? Or how stupid does one have to feel for getting busted stealing things that are now worthless? I once saw an episode when they busted a couple for stealing video tapes from a Blockbuster. (You guys do know what video tapes and Blockbusters are, right?) Not only do you get busted for stealing a bunch of Schwarzenegger VHS tapes, but you get busted on national TV. And the show runs FOREVER. Can you imagine if you work with this guy today and never knew? There you are, watching an old episode of Cops, feeling all full of yourself. “Oh….oh my god! That’s Randy! Hey honey, come here! You know that tool at work I talk about all the time? Randy? He was arrested on Cops! For stealing video tapes! I can’t wait to tell everyone at work on Monday!” I mean, how stupid does Randy gotta feel? If he waited just a few more years and-boom!- all movies are free! Music, porn and books, too. Ah, Randy, you be feeling stupid now, son.

Along comes a show called Live PD on A&E. Essentially, some high paid exec just discovered Spike TV is 40% Cops reruns, and said, “Hey! I have an idea! Let’s rip off Cops, but we’ll do it live! And for three straight hours! Now someone order me my in ground pool with infinity edge!” Live PD is hosted by Dan Abrams, who is also the chief legal affairs anchor for ABC news and does not at all look pissed that he can’t get hammered at B Dubs on the weekends anymore.

I wonder what someone would do if they get busted on Live PD Friday night. I guess in some cases, they can bail out in the morning, but where do they go? Does their social media just become nothing but busting balls? “Hey, Tom, now I know why you missed brunch this morning, LOL!” “Tom, can I have your autograph, or at least your inmate number? LOL!” “Hey Tommy Boy! My meme generator is working overtime. See you Monday morning.” “Tom, stay away from my children.”

If you actually have a life on weekend nights, and don’t sit home watching TV and writing blogs no one reads, Live PD runs “live” for 3 hours. And for the folks who actually do go out to have a life, it reruns 12-3 AM. The show has expanded to Friday and Saturday nights, has a “rewind” show the hour before and then reruns pretty much the rest of the weekend. For example, I just pulled up the schedule, and episodes of Live PD air for 15 freaking hours on Saturday. (Conversely, it’s not lost on me that a 15 hour Live PD marathon can lead to an epic drinking game, and that sounds like a damn solid idea for my next blog. And possible appearance on the show.) This is a real easy way to feel good about ourselves, guys, without all the expensive meds. I’m not a doctor, but I play one on my blog. 

"Hi everybody!"

Conversely, it is also redeeming to go out on a Friday night, have safe but responsible fun, come home to your own bed (or not, depending on the situation), wake up late, and turn on A&E to see what knuckleheads couldn’t figure that shit out on their own. That’s so Randy.

I often wonder how the producers for Live PD pick the relatively small cities where they follow the cops. Does the conversation go, “Hi, yes, is this the mayor of Greenville County, SC? We’ve looked at the stats and there is a ridiculously high arrest rate for dipshits in your town. So how’s about we send multiple camera crews to document this, mmkay?”

"Where was this show when I was mayor of Toronto?"
(And yes, this is a Rob Ford joke in 2017.)

One can learn many a life lesson from shows like Live PD and Cops:

Generally, shirtless men are trouble.

Meth is a hell of a drug.

Every suspect proclaims their innocence. I saw one episode when the suspect proclaims his innocence, even though he was wearing his victims’ shirt and had his victims’ wallet in his pocket.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” = “I know EXACTLY what you’re talking about.”

We’re all just one stupid decision away from fucking up our life. So straighten up and fly right. (However, this lesson does not apparently apply to persons named Tiger Woods.)

NASCAR fans seem to be sorely over represented when it comes to getting arrested. It’s not like you ever see a Real Madrid fan getting arrested. Although I suppose they probably do in the British version, Live Bobby.

No one EVER says, “What the hell is with the cameras?”

All my neighbors who think I’m the asshole neighbor have NO IDEA how bad it can be. Also, unfortunately for them, I now do have an idea how bad it can be…

So what have we learned here? We've learned that there is an endless amount of stupid out in the streets. And that, as long as we are not that stupid, life is generally not as bad as it can be. Enjoy your weekend and y'all be safe. And if you do happen to get busted on Live PD, I will pay you $25 if you mention Kevolution Theory.

Cheap plug, follow me at @ifyouseekev for humor in more manageable 140 characters or less.