My Best St Patrick's Day Jokes

Yes, OK, I know. It's the 18th. St. Patrick's Day was yesterday, and I actually didn't tweet these jokes. That's because they would be mostly lost on the 4 people that do follow me, and my FB audience-which still largely ignores me, too-seems to respond better. So instead of constantly hitting the pause button on my St Pat's drinking, I decided to save them up and put them all in one place. So, if you did read these yesterday, I thank you. You might wanna read again, in case you forgot a few, as I sure forgot writing a few. Plus, I didn't even use all my jokes, so there's new ones spread through out, as well as day after jokes. So lie back (you ARE still in bed, amirite?), keep putting that Gatorade down and figure out what you want on that pizza as we stroll down foggy memory lane.

I'm drinking so much green beer, my pee is blue.

In kind of a haughty bar. There is a girl next to me drinking 4 Loko. This place clearly does not serve 4 Loko. So she brought her own supply of 4 Loko to a bar. I rarely use the term "spirit animal"....

Pretty sure this "Irish" amber I am drinking is called "Something Else" amber the 364 other days of the year.

I'll admit it. I wasn't really feeling it, but then I listened to "Shipping Up To Boston" like 15 times in a row, and now I'm looking to get good and shitfaced.

Uber driver "Are you drinking a BEER in MY CAR?
Me "No, I'm getting ready to give you a zero star rating."
A consensual-though awkward-silence follows

Pro tip for all the newbs today; NO ONE knows what all these old Irish songs are about. Just nod your head, drink your beer and occasionally say "Slainte!" or "For Bobby Sands!" and you'll be fine.

I swear, sometimes the jokes write themselves.

Walks into a bar.
Bar is playing U2.
Keeps on walking.



Did you really just order a Bud Light Lime, dude? Get dafuq out of here before you get thrown out.

Pretty sure the 13 year olds in Ireland knock it off with the dancing when they discover the whiskey.

Where will I spend more money today?
1) Bar tabs
2) Uber rides
3) Resulting legal fees and restitution
(Spoiler alert, it was bar tabs. By a LOT.)

Sitting here watching the NCAA tournament. And it got me wondering; were there ever any great Irish basketball players? Or football players? Or hockey players? Or baseball players? It seems to me all the great Irish athletes are fighters. Which makes total sense. I am sure there's probably some great Irish dart throwers as well.

Ultimate Irish athlete?

On the 18th, all the pros are out, buying the 50% off crap so we can wear a different green, gaudy t-shirt next year.

The best thing about having no fashion sense and wearing mostly black is all the green stuff is pretty easy to pick out.

Two words; leprechaun porn. Yes, it exists (Rule 34) and after an hour of extensive...uh.."research" I have also discovered I have no shame.

Kinda off topic, but I have become a huge user of the Irish Goodbye.

Yes, the camera on your phone has the filter that only shows green, and no you shouldn't use it for your social media today.

People in a bar dressed in green on the 17th; "Yay! Fellow partiers!"
People in a bar dressed in green on the 18th; "Fucking alcoholics."

Happy Stone Cold Steve Austin Day!

(Glass shatters.)

Happy Stone Cold Steve Austin Day!

Look, with all the PCedness going on, isn’t it about time to give ol’ Stone Cold his own holiday?  Wait, what’s that? You don’t know who Steve Austin is? What, are you one of my zero female readers under the age of 25? Fine, let’s have a little history lesson here. No, not, like, real history, more like something a lot of people care about; wrestling.

Austin was a key figure in WWF’s “Attitude Era.” The “Attitude Era” is widely regarded as the last time WWE was any good. Mocking a "bible thumper" opponent, Austin famously coined the phrase ‘Austin 3:16 just said I just whipped your ass.” Austin was the central figure who became popular because he drank beer and hated his boss. Sound familiar? Stone Cold attracted millions of eye balls with his shenanigans against the owner of the WWF, the evil Mr. McMahon. Millions lived vicariously through Austin as he tormented his boss. Like his three ex-wives, we all have a little Stone Cold in us. Just a few of the things he did that we all wish we could do

Made Mr. McMahon pee his pants. (Mr. McMahon’s pants. Not Austins. That would actually be pretty ballsy if McMahon somehow managed to pee Austin’s pants.)

"Ugh, I should not have had those 2 cans of Monster before I came out here."

Poured cement into McMahon’s convertible.

Flipped off McMahon multiple times per show.

Drove a beer truck to the ring and hosed beer on the McMahon family.

Now, what I wanna know, is where are these mythological beer trucks that actually dispense beer via hose? Where does one get such a vehicle? Is it the same place Kurt Angle got the milk truck?

Of course, there was also the time he almost got shot by Brian Pillman, but that seems to be largely forgotten.

Also, he was the last real man to wear jorts. (Yea, I said it, Cena. Do your Five Moves of Doom on me because I do see you.)

And even if you are not too familiar with Austin, there are some pretty good memes that you can probably relate to.

The placement of 316 day is troubling as it is always the day before 317. That’s just the way the calendar works, son. But it is also a kick in the nuts, as this year, Steve Austin Day is Friday and St Pat’s Day is (all day) Saturday. One must gameplan wisely as to how many Steveweisers to have, and still be able to bring your A game for St Pat’s Saturday. For example, I planned ahead, and had my last drink at 11 AM in the bathroom at work, to give my liver some time to recoup and prepare for this weekend’s onslaught.

Just how am I gonna celebrate 316 Day today?

By stomping a mudhole in someone.

By repeatedly saying “What?” when someone is talking to me.

By finishing every phone call with, “And that’s the bottom line because I said so.”

By giving someone the Stone Cold Stunner after kicking them in the gut.

By pouring beer all over me as I stand on the corner desk in the office.

"Now where's that redhead from sales?"

By shoving Mike Tyson.

Find me some of those cans of Whoop Ass in aisle two.

By stunning the President of the United States of America.

Another little known fact about Steve Austin Day; it is said that at 3:16 AM and 3:16 PM spirit guides will be attempting to contact you. Sounds like bullshit, right? Well, some people actually believe this bullshit, so who am I to say?

And to be fair, if/when 316 Day becomes a recognized holiday, I am perfectly fine giving back another bobo holiday. There are already too many, anyway. Gimme 316 Day, and I'll return one of those useless holidays, like Arbor Day or Valentine's Day. Sounds fine ta me.

So pop open a couple of them Steveweisers and toast the ol' Texas Rattlersnake on his....no, OUR big day.

See y'all on 619 Day!

Someone Called Me Good Looking Today

You wanna play a game? I wanna play a game. 

"My good man, where is the rotgut rum?"

As I was walking into a place, a woman was walking out. She took a look at me, did a quick inhale then said, “Man, aren’t you good looking?”

Where was I walking to?

   Supermarket

b         Gym

c         Liquor store

Do you really even need a minute to figure this one out?  The liquor store. Of course it was the liquor store. The same damn liquor store that serves me no matter how banged the fuck up I am.

So, there I was, like the rest of us schmucks. Yet another winter storm was coming in, and like the rest of suburbia, I have to have enough booze to mollify myself for a night. I was walking in as a woman was walking out. Now, I would like to say this was a 22 year old super model walking out, but the truth is it was an older woman. That point doesn’t bother me because, because the real take away here is someone found me attractive.

What I get when I GIS "22 year old hot model."

Does the point bother me that this was at a liquor store where they notoriously serve any drunk ass that stumbles in? No, because this woman was clearly sober. I don’t care who finds me attractive. She could have been blind with a cane and a service dog, and I would be equally as stoked she said it. This hot mess ain’t got no room to be picky.

To this random woman, thank you. Thank you for making my day, and just giving me that little extra boost of confidence that a lonely night of drinking can’t quite provide. Readers, take note, just one act of kindness, one slight push of karma can make a difference. Also, take note that good things really can happen at the liquor store. Maybe not to your liver, but certainly to your ego.