A friend of mine posted a short video on Facebook the other
day. And since she doesn’t drone on about politics, take constant duck face
selfies, generally isn’t into food porn, likes books and music, doesn’t have
kids and likes dogs, I decided to watch. She went on to talk about how she was
thinking of her buying habits, and how they impact the environment. Simple
things like using the same plastic bag to buy fruit at the store or how tooth
brushes are made of plastic. All valid points as she tried to figure out how to
make this big blue marble more livable.
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| I can see my house from here. |
It reminded me of another video I tried to watch, about a
girl who generated so little trash in 4 (or 5, depending on where you see the
video) freaking years, that she was able to
carry it all around in a tiny glass jar. This hippie went on to talk about
using the same containers when you go to Whole Foods (why am I not surprised
she shops at Whole Foods?) Again, all very salient points, and very humbling as
just one person struggles to make the world a greener place. Sure, the realist
in me is crying clown shoes about someone generating so little trash in 4/5
years, then carrying it all around in a jar. The last time I was carrying my
trash around was when I took my ex to Chili’s. BURN! Now, while this girl is
apparently doing all the good she can, I can’t imagine she’s much fun at
parties. She probably just drones on and on and constantly holds up that damn
jar like in Lion King. And isn’t this how we should be evaluating people these
days; screw all the good they do, can you have a few beers and hang out with
them? Recycling the beer bottles and cans, of course.
Regardless, it got me to look at my actions and they effects
they have. And I have to say, after a thorough vetting, I’m pretty cool with
Mother Earth. I recycle like a freak. If I ever have any water left in a glass,
I pour it into a plant. I will sometimes watch the one TV with no cable box and
surround sound, just because it uses less power. (Yea, first world problem, I
know.) Yellow let it mellow. I bag my yard waste. I dispose of my electronics
responsibly. I finish all the half full drinks at closing time. I don’t put the
shower on max pressure, just to save a little. I donate old clothes and books. I’m
even one of those freaks that actually unplugs his phone cord from the wall
when the battery is full! Now, look, I’m not using this post to say, “Be more
like me.” But, still, it’s something you all should aspire to.
I logged out of FB, and to make up for all the brain rot I
get while reading FB, I thought I would try to educate myself, and check out a
news site to see just what the rest of the world is doing. Here’s just some of
the headlines I saw:
Mayor: Evacuate or notify next of kin
Slain Dallas’ man family says warrant is part of smear
campaign against him
2 dead as huge typhoon slams Philippines
Bodycam shows traffic stop turn deadly
And it got me thinking; why
are we working this hard to save this damn place?
Think about it. There is so much working against us. Look at
all these devastating weather events. I’m not going to get too into politics
here-there’s plenty of blame to go around-but it seems to me this country is
more divided than ever. The brazen lack of common sense in the world. Turn on
the news -any news-and it’s all gloom and doom. Murder, death, racism,
corporate greed, scandal. Within the
last week, we’ve had a major storm do tremendous damage, and apparently also be
“tremendously big and tremendously wet.” More #MeToo moments. Terrarium
shuts down. The nearest Tilted Kilt just closed. This is craziness. So why do
we wanna keep the lights on?
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| Possible First Lady Material |
It bothers me that the rich seem to get richer, while I have
to surreptitiously fill my hoodie with food at the Cici’s Buffet. I have no problem
with people who have risked and worked hard for their money. I have a problem
with all the assholes (That line BTW was going to be a tagline for this blog at
one point.) and their conspicuous consumption. The CEOs who pull down millions
for doing….well, no one seems to know. I don’t know what’s worse about society,
that we have shows like Zillion Dollar Beachfront Property or whatever, or that
we have poor schmucks that actually want to watch such drivel. Why do I want to
waste my precious time watching horse shit like My Lottery Dream Home?
Time’s too short, man. It’s like these buttheads who watch Food Network all
day, and still don’t know who to boil water. What’s the point here?
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| What Ric Flair will look like in 50 years. |
I don’t want to save this world for the assholes. I don’t
want to save this world for, say, the flat earthers. Yes, there are actual
people who think the world is flat, despite all this hurricane video shot from
space. Er, wait a minute, the moon
landing was all a hoax, too. Damn it, flat earthers, you got me there!
Psyche, dipshits. But I am not recycling my empty rum bottles every Monday
morning to keep the world flat. I’m not leaving turds floating in my toilet for
two days for the benefit of chuckleheads who don’t believe in global warming.
It’s bad enough the ghost hunters and bigfoot chasers will stick around. I
don’t want to bear the responsibility for leaving the world to future
generations of Kardashians. I cringe what the world will look like in 50 years
to Keith Richards and Ric Flair.
And just who are we leaving this world to, the “youth?” Have
you seen kids today? (And just so we’re clear here, I don’t have kids. The
Theory name ends with me, and whatever dog I have at the time that outlives me.
More on this shortly.) To be blunt, kids today are stone fucking stupid. We’re
all doomed. They have it too easy. They are coddled, in the misguided effort to
be PC, they don’t get the tools to cope in an adult society. Kids today live on
their tablets and phones, and they are encouraged to from the earliest age.
Don’t believe me? Next time you see a quiet kid in the super market or at the
restaurant, it’s very likely because their face is all aglow from a phone or
tablet. Next time you pass a school bus stop, see what all the kids are doing.
Necks crooked at angles, mindlessly staring into their phones, farting around
on SnapChat or chasing Pokemons or whatever the fuck. They’re gonna be the future senators. They’re gonna be the future doctors. They’re gonna be the future writers. See my point yet? Doomed, I
tells ya.
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| Never too early to get 'em started on Kevolution Theory! |
And here’s the worst part, we’re our own mortal enemies.
Sure, corporations, governments, money, pollution, light beer, greed all play a
part, but too many people is the root
of this. Maybe I should clarify; too many
stupid people is the root of this problem. Which is really giving credence
to a possible campaign platform for my 2020 Presidential Run. Hear me out, then
donate wads of cash to my campaign fund.
There’re too many people on this planet. And maybe other planets,
too, but I will worry about that later. It’s causing global warming, it’s
increasing pollution, it’s increasing strain on our natural resources, it’s
increasing my wait time at the bar. I really think it’s time we tax children.
Think about all the other things we tax; cars, alcohol, property. These are all
things you have to consciously work for. Any two dipshits can have a kid.
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You
only need to watch an episode of Maury
to reinforce that. If you are going to bring another human being into this world
to compete for the dwindling resources, then I think a yearly tax is more than
fair. The money raised goes to conservation and green causes. If you want to
sire a child, but then don’t have the resources to properly nuture it…um, I
meant to say him or her- I don’t see
why that is now my problem. If you can’t afford the kid, it goes into a
mandatory adoption program. There are so many couples who can’t have kids, this
is a win-win. It’s either that, or we harvest their organs. The copay for my
contacts is getting pretty redic. #VoteForKev2020
So, if the world is going to hell, why dafuq should I give a
damn? I’m a fricking hero for not having kids. I’m saving generations of wear and tear on the planet. Honestly, I could burn
Styrofoam, not recycle, leave all my lights on and devices plugged in, blast my
AC, kill bees, use straws, and I would still
be light years ahead of the green game. Why should I even bother now? Other
than my usual reason of course, than being a flaming asshole? I can just see me
Monday morning, slamming individual beer bottles into the recycle bin. Eyeballing my
God fearing neighbors with kids, “Look at what I’m doing, Ken.” I’d be
shattering glass like Stone
Cold’s entrance theme. “I’m fucking saving the world here, for you. Austin 3:16.”
Where are the GD meek that are supposed to inherit the Earth?
Can they even fix it? I don’t think so, or else they probably wouldn’t be so
meek. Damn, we really are screwed here.
Leaving this place better than I found it is certainly a
nice notion, but I don’t see that happening. If anything, I should be watching
old Japanese movies to see how they summoned Godzilla and Mothra so we could
get a reset. Speaking of, how many times has the news warned us of some
fantastic new disease or some new age, drug resistant plague that will wipe us
all out? Does it ever happen? NO! We can’t even successfully make ourselves
extinct. The irony.
I don’t have an ending. I really don’t.
DVD Bonus Deleted Scene
(I felt this was a fair point, but just couldn't find the proper spot to place it.)
I cringe to think they are also the future musicians. When I do listen to current “music,” I weep because it is, well, absolute shit. And this is not ‘Old Man Theory’ getting all uppity in his white socks; it’s just fact. Rag on hair metal, Nu rock, First Wave, grunge, etc all you want. The fact off the matter is today’s music is cookie cutter; put together by a large group of people (does it really take 10 dudes to write a shitty song these days?) to arrange a cookie cutter track and find some talentless hack to warble through Auto Tune, and that passes for a hit. No kids, sorry, that’s not how it’s supposed to be. Real music, and literature and art is out there, still. You just have to work a little harder to find it. But it’s so worth it. The proof is this here blog; it’s the best damn blog on the Net, and few people read it.
