Kevolution Theory Approved Christmas Covers

OK, so in my last post, I boggled your head with some original Xmas songs. I know a lot of you are traditionalists, and really do like the standards. I can appreciate that; to a degree I do, too. But if you think I'm playing Billy Squier or Mariah Carey, you are sadly mistaken. So in this post, I'll lay out some overlooked takes on the songs you've heard a kajillion times.

Best Christmas Traditional Songs

So I will make your first few choices easy, seeing as how you're probably wrapping up last minute shopping or last minute wrapping. Maybe making the cookies, telling your girl to shut the hell up because you're a man watching football during fantasy championship week or into your fourth egg nog. I have found a handful of albums-yes, whole albums-that could bear the Kevolution Theory Seal of Approval once I get around to creating such a thing.

Brian Setzer Orchestra. While this isn't the place for me to rave about how important a guitarist and singer Setzer is (Quick; name another performer who heralded two distinct different styles of music to the main stream other than Setzer. FAIL! You can't.) this is the place for me to tell you pretty much all the BSO albums can appeal to everybody. Sinatra lovers, big band and swing types. There really ins't much in the market like this, and the Squirrel Nut Zippers can go screw themselves. At this point, BSO is reaching into the semi obscure numbers, and this is one of my favorites. Giddy up, partner.

Chris Isaak. OK, this is one of my favorite Xmas albums. Why? Because it sounds like summer. if you're gonna cram a bunch of standards down my throat, at least make it sound like we're sitting on the beach in Baja. So if you're down with that, this is the album for you. Keeping in that vein, here's "Mele Kalikimaka"

(Sidebar, when I hear "Mele Kalikimaka", I can't be the only one that thinks of this, right?)

Merry Christmas indeed! Now, where was I?

Sarah McLachlan. Yea, I know. But here's the deal, (and this is all based on her first Xmas album, not this new B & N exclusive) your girl will pretty much melt if you break this out. It's inoffensive enough to not piss anyone off. And Sarah has a talent and style that sets her contemporaries in the genre. Most of it is mellow, too, so it's a good "I'm drinking alone and getting blasted to these stark Xmas songs" kinda album. Wait. No one else does that? OK, never mind, carry on. Throwing a dart at the board, here's "Christmas Time is Here."

Frank Sinatra. The Chairman, Ol' Blue Eyes. I am a huge Sinatra fan, and his Xmas stuff might just be my favorite. No one does it like Frank. The BSO stuff above is a fine, but it just can't compare with Frank. All his holiday stuff takes you back to such a simpler time; when a dame actually had to slap you in the face to turn you down, no swiping left. I have just a few actual holiday traditions. One is to tell all the kids in line waiting for mall Santa that he isn't real. But my other favorite holiday tradition is to bundle up at night, and take the Theory Pup out for a walk to look at the lights. And Sinatra's Xmas songs is the only thing I play. "Silent Night" is allegedly the last song he ever recorded. Supposedly, he knew his time was short. Even though "The Voice" had left him, he laid out a beautiful delivery. To flush out the arrangement, they assembled every living member of his bands they could find, under the direction of Junior. Awesome, just awesome.

Twisted Sister. Yes, think what you want, but this is a fun album and it's exactly what you'd expect. Fun video as well, in the vein of Van Halen's "Hot For Teacher." I'm not feeling tardy, either.

OK, so to wrap up; you pretty much can't go wrong with full albums by Sinatra, Brian Setzer Orchestra, Chris Isaak, Sarah McLachlan and Twisted Sister. What's that? You want more? You greedy bastards. Fine, here's some more.

Hands downs, this might be my favorite Xmas song ever. The Pretenders "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas." For some reason, I feel their "2000 Miles" cover gets more play, but it blows in comparison. Why do I like this song? Well, because, musically, it doesn't really sound like an Xmas song. And that slide guitar effect isn't something you hear everyday, let alone in holiday tunes. And, man, to me, it sounds freaking depressing. What's not to like?

So, apparently, I only have two favorite Xmas songs? No, I gotz more.

Cocteau Twins are another cult favorite of mine. And either you like them, or you have no bloody idea what singer Elizabeth Frazier is singing about. Which makes sense, since most of the time she was singing gibberish. But, they did two Xmas songs, "Winter Wonderland" and "Frosty the Snowman." Personally, I don't like the Frosty song, but, damn, they make it work. Video is unofficial, but trippy as hell.

Honorable mention for The Smithereens. Another cult band of mine (hey, go get your own blog, then talk about your favorite bands) hailing from the dirty Jerz. Sure, everyone thinks Bruce and Bon Jovi, but The Smithereens held onto a true bar band sound longer than those others. They did the Rudolph double dip, and your intrepid writer slightly prefers this one.

When it's Xmas time, and you think Bryan Adams, you generally think two things. 1) Why dafuq am I thinking about Bryan Adams when I need to buy something for Cousin Eddy and 2) "Something About Xmas Time." And while I will give you, "Something About Xmas Time" is a fine song, everyone seems to forget about this awesome visual of a Canadian singing "Reggae Xmas." I'm guessing this is a cover, since, you know he is Canadian. Pee Wee Herman appearance in the vid, and, GD, Adams sure sounds clear with no mic. Just sayin'.

As far as novelty songs go, this one still cracks me up. Every time. Stations need to play this, and not the Mariah Carey dreck, as I am sure this song will foster more goodwill to man.

Obligatory.

No Xmas celebration is official without my man The Grinch.

So, there you go. A few off beat, obscure Christmas songs you haven't heard a billion times. Now finish that last minute wrapping, find the mistletoe belt buckle, spend time with those that mean something to you and listen to some good music.

Kevolution Theory Approved Original Christmas Music

You guys know me by now. You guys know I hate freaking Xmas. So it's not a huge leap to make the assumption I also hate Xmas music. Well, I do. I mean, c'mon people, how many times do you need to hear "Jingle Bells" before you want to murder an elf? But there's always exceptions. Yes, even though I hate Xmas music, I do know a handful of originals that are actually worth your time. And I know what of I speak, as my musical taste is superior to yours. Far superior. As a barometer, if you think Paul McCartney's "Having a Wonderful Xmas Time" is a good song, just go away and please don't further your DNA. The world has enough problems.

The best original Christmas Songs

So, as I await your gifts to me, in addition to all the humor I have brought to your life in the face of a vicious 2016, I am giving you a few more gifts. Below are KT approved original Xmas songs to freshen up your weary playlists. Be warned, some of these err to the mellow -or too mellow-for some folks taste's. Big surprise, a guy who doesn't like Xmas like sad Xmas songs. You may know some of these artists, you may not. I'm not doing a deep dive on most of this, so the music can do the talking. As far as I known, all of these are originals, though I may be wrong. My favorite covers will be another post, you you jackoffs already owe me TWO presents.Also, I have discovered a strange fetish of GIS "sexy girls in Santa hats." Not every girl can pull it off, but the ones that do? Oh my. Anyway...

"Hi, I'm No, and this is my sister Nope."

I will preface these first few by saying The Blue Nile is absolutely one of my favorite bands of all time. (You heard me Kanye.) Unfortunately, they only put out 4 albums in their 22+ year existence. Most of their stuff is slow, mellow, meloncholy-right up my alley for Xmas. This is a b-side. If you like this, I like you, and it's worth your time to try a few other songs.

Bonus points for the Blue Nile, as this song takes place on Xmas Eve, and I usually find a way to play it. (Like writing about it.) Super mellow and a downer of a song. My favorite style for the holidays.

Slit your wrists yet? No? OK, let's keep the maudlin going. For the life of me, I don't know why this is considered an Xmas song, but it has shown up on a few Xmas compilations in the mid to late 90s, and kills me every time.

Drinking yet? I am. Mad Elf. So let's get to a song about drinking during the holidays by Philadelphia based artist Matt Santry. Bonus points for animated video.

Well, it turns out Santry has another cool Xmas one. Double shot! If you went to Catholic school, you'll appreciate this. If not, you'll be damn grateful.

A sultry little jazzy number here, full of the best entendres-double entendres!

More double shots! Rhode Island based Pat McGee, daring you to find a better Xmas song with a horn and banjo.

And, no, this is NOT the Wham song. That's another song that blows. This one is far better. Go ahead, try to disagree with me.

Heather Nova-another top five of mine that pretty much no one has heard of. She rarely tours America because she lives in the Bahamas, and who would ever freaking want to leave there? Angel of a voice and a cheery song. Bonus points for a fully produced video. There's some truth to the rumor I started that she wrote this song about me.

From angel to devil. It's Spinal Tap and "Christmas With the Devil."Pretty sure my parents make out to this song. Love the Tap. Little known fact about me; I own those same pair of pants as Derek Smalls.

A newer entry for cool new Xmas music. Level of difficulty; contains the Killers and Owen Wilson, neither of who I am a fan of. But Dawes is pretty legit, and that is mostly the sound. Cool video, but-surprise-a bit of a downer.

Welp, that's the best I can do for a quick and dirty holiday type post that writers seem obligated to de. Perhaps a volume two will be in order. Next year.

The Saddest Place During Christmas; The Mall

Whoever said this is the “happ-happiest time of the year” is a liar. A filthy, dirty liar. Well, the blog subtitle is “Saying what needs to be said” and this needs to be said.

So why am I writing a post like this at this time of the year? 1) Because it needs to be expressed and 2) did you really expect anything less of me on Xmas week? This isn’t some fantastical Hallmark Channel movie, kids.

 And really, this is the result of a visit to one of the saddest places on the face of the Earth; the Mall. 

Santa went to the Taco Bell, kids. He'll be back Thursday.

OK, I will frame this by saying it’s Tuesday, December 20^th, about noon. So if you’re at the mall, it’s either on your lunch break or you had to eat a personal day to (start and) finish your shopping. (Or you’re unemployed, but no one cares about the jobless on Xmas.) As I enter the mall (which I haven’t been into in ages), one thing is bloody apparent; no one is smiling. Not one shopper. Not one retail employee. Not. One. Whatever Disneyland is purportedly to happiness, the American Mall Xmas week is the exact same for unhappiness. 

"This...is...bullshit."

It conflicts with my laid back, almost surfer-like attitude. I don’t deal well with the “hustle and bustle.” I don’t like dealing with crowds. It’s just a lot of work for negligible return on investment. All this shopping, hustling and bustling, and Xmas just goes by. I’m left holding some new socks, a full belly and sick of everyone.

So where was I? The mall, right. Apparently, this mall has one of the last remaining Sears in existence. I enter through Sears, where I see a healthy amount of shoppers, and almost zero employees. From here, I enter the mall itself. Where there also appears to be a healthy amount of shoppers, I don’t really know how to tell. And like I said, no one is happy. There’s even jackoffs wearing Santa hats that are unhappy. I’m at the mall because I have to buy a girlie calendar for my brother.

Like, I can't even tell what month this is. But I'm not really complaining.

 It’s tradition that we buy each other girlie calendars. I’m pretty sure the Currier and Ives mentioned in “Sleigh Ride” were actually early nudie photographers. The more you know, right?

Right.

I enter on the first floor because that’s where the store I needed to go to used to be. Last year. Since then, it has seen fit to further my rage with the mall during the holidays by moving ALL THE WAY to the third floor. Bloody hell. Since I have some walking to do, I decide to put myself squarely in the river of holiday shoppers to see what I discern. Maybe I am missing something here. Maybe I have been wrong all these years, and I just need some time to see the true beauty of the holida…..

Nope, no, fuck it. I see people clearly spent. I see grown men wandering around like they are zombies. I see young children running about loose. Their parents probably just leave and let the mall work that problem out.

"Mommy said to stay."

I walk by the court where Santa and Mrs. Claus are. Does Mrs. Claus have a first name? Doris? Phyllis? Beyonce? I don’t know, so we’ll just call her Mrs. C. (On an unrelated note, I used to have a teacher we called Mrs. C, but her last name certainly wasn’t Claus ifyaknowwhatImean.) The Claus’ are true pros; they are smiling and seem genuinely happy. I imagine it’s because they roofied each other at the start of their shift, and they know in less than a week they’re vacationing in the Keys. I wind my way around to the escalators to get to the third floor. As I get to the third floor, I am shocked about how you never hear of any jumpers in this mall. I can’t imagine there are many three story malls left these days. And this is certainly the time of year for that sort of thing. I wonder if ‘mall security’ is trained to even spot potential jumpers. I mean, I was openly sobbing like a widow for a good twenty minutes, and no one ever checked on me. I compose myself and walk past the Bath and Bodyworks store. I see about half a dozen husbands just staring down at the first floor. The mall might want to move this store down to the first floor, just sayin'.

"This....is...bullshit."

Like an assassin, I was in and out. And I wish I was an assassin, because I could have used a firearm in the parking lot. While it wasn’t overly crowded, drivers were still finding creative ways to be assholes. Parking, not using turn signals, not looking when they pulled out in traffic. I think the best thing most people can get for Xmas is a freaking clue.

So I had escaped the saddest place during Christmas. I feel lucky, for all I know, there could be folks that just get trapped there and never leave; doomed to never find where they parked their car or desperately trying to redeem their mall bonus points for something at Orange Julius. I can rest easy; for the half naked girl on my calendar says I don’t have to go back for another year.

Dear 2017

Dear 2017,

Hey man, we need to talk. I know you’re not quite here yet, but there’s a few things you need to be aware of. 2016 was kind of a cruel bitch. Much pain, unrest, death, and general assholery. In one respect, even if you don’t change a damn thing, you will be remembered far more fondly than 2016 ever will. Conversely, you open up right with the Inauguration and-regardless of political affiliation-this event alone will cause you much consternation. So yea, you kinda can’t slack off. Don’t worry, I’m here to help. And I, like, know things and stuff.

I have hope for 2017.

Now to be fair, 2016 gave us some highlights. Sports gave Cleveland-Cleveland!­ a championship. The Cubs ended their 200 year drought and won the World Series. John Scott showed true class during the NHL All Star weekend. Also, Jimmie Johnson and his brand of vanilla racing won his 7^th NASCAR Championship, thereby tying most championships with the legends Richard Petty and Dale Earnhardt. Rumor was smoke and a violent spinning sound was heard from Earnhardt’s grave.

On a personal level, 2016 was pretty much shitball sandwiches for good ol’ Kev after August. But hey, pain and suffering make for better writing, right? Right!? Sure, I won a fantasy football league, as well as the NHL pool. Big money! I also got some great travel in and rewarding music experiences.

So, 2017, in case you aren’t too aware, 2016 was pretty cruel with the celebrity killing and what not. Particularly with musicians, and ‘16’s work ethic has it pretty much working right till the end of the year. What I’m saying is that maybe you might want to even the scales a little bit? I’ve put together a little list-just suggestions, really-of maybe some people you might want to send to the great beyond. In no particular order:

Bill Cosby

Pharma Bro

Kony (Seriously, like how did 2012 let that slip by?)

Roman Polanski

2 Pac

That douche bag ex-boss who fired me when I was hurt

Pierre McGuire

Justin Bieber

Please leave Keith Richards and Ric Flair alone, because someone has to bury all our great-great-great-great-great grandkids. WOOOOOOOO!

Somebody's gotta take Betty White to Space Mountain in 2067. WWWOOOOO!

Additionally, kill off all the smokers. How are people still smoking in your year, 2017? It seems to me I am seeing more smokers these days. How is that even possible? Additionally, all smokers are litterbugs. On that alone, they need to be purged. You can also dispatch with the vapers if you see fit.

Early indications also lead us to believe the weather will be worse. But I like the warm weather, so let’s just keep it moderate, eh? We’re all cool with more flip flop weather and especially a longer bikini season.

Look, I'll be honest here. I feel like a pig for using pictures like these but they drive up traffic and it's just good business, damn it.

If you would prefer to be known as 20Kevinteen, I’m cool with that, too.

2016 was rocking with the Super Moons. It felt like every other moon was super. Don’t know how that shakes out for you, but people seemed to enjoy that sort of thing. So maybe some meteor showers, shooting stars or UFOs or something? And maybe you should be the year that we see definitive video proof of the existence of ghosts. You have roughly 97 ghost hunting shows on basic cable, so your choice. Just not Ghost Adventures, that show is horribly entertaining as it is. Go figure, it’s apparently 40 year old dudes keeping Hot Topic in business.

"Ummm......no."

Politics-fuh-you’re kinda fucked there. It’s going to be tumultuous Presidency that starts right off the bat. A lot of people are very nervous about ‘what happens now.’ Please guide us with patience, foresight, calm, understanding, common sense, peace and somehow follow up those awesome Joe Biden memes. That might be your only hope.

"Oh shit! 2016 is looking!"

Music-we will need great music. Please favor us with righteous tunes from our favorite artists. Please introduce us to people who will be our next favorite artists. Please destroy all Clear Channel towers. How can you run a weak ass slogan like “I Heart Radio” where all the music sounds as pleasant as dinosaur abortions? Get rid of Auto Tune and please replace with talent and ability.

Maybe, on just a personal note, have the Avalanche win The Cup? I’m pretty sure that will truly bring Peace on Earth. Just sayin’. At least keep finding creative ways to fuck with Philadelphia fans. That shit never gets old, and Philly fans are the worst. Please continue to bless Bills fans however, as their drunken shenanigans are the highlight of my Sunday mornings before 1. No one cares what you do with baseball or basketball, so have at it

.

I see July 4^th is a Tuesday with you. Can you maybe switch that out to a Friday or Saturday? Maybe swipe a February 29^th from 2020 or something? Sluttier costumes for Halloween (also a Tuesday BTW) would make everyone happy as well.

I have no idea what's going on here, and I probably never will.

I'm not sure I am exxpressing my point enough

True story; it took me 2 hours to write this and 5 days to do the pictures.

Have Kevolution Theory turn into my full time job. Or have peace on Earth. You can only choose one, and both have about the exact same chance of actually happening.

Here’s an easy one for you. Have all shelter animals find their forever homes. In exchange, please render oil, cable, bank, airline, health insurance CEOs homeless. Fair trade. Also, I would like access to their organs, because we will all need donors.

Have “vineyards” pronounced as it should be; “vine” and “yards.” Not “vinyards.” That just makes it sound snooty. I think it was just a bunch of rich silver spoon assholes wanting to sound all haughty. How come the song isn’t “Heard It Through the Grapevin?” Because it’s pronounced “vine” with the “e” at the end. Also, “vase” is pronounced “vaze” not “vaz” and don’t even get me started on “refurbished.”

So you see, 2017, this is not a complete list, but certainly a good place to start. It’s almost like this is such a good bit, it might pop up from time to time as you journey on. I am sure you will give me a lot to write about.

Enough With the Word Porn Reposts

Guys, we need to talk. And by guys, I mean the men amongst us. Ladies, as always you are free to read. Because I’m gonna kinda blame you for this as well. So you may want to stop InstaGramming for .2 seconds and maybe lend your opinion.

I have noticed a trend on the Book of Face recently that is pissing me off. Actually, there have been a lot of trends on FB that are pissing me off; car selfies chief among them. A close number two is people who apparently have the free time to post 10 or more things on their page. I’m unemployed and spend an inordinate amount of time on my PC most days of the week and even loser me don’t gots that kind of time.

Enough with the Word Porn shares, men. You broads take it easy, too. But there’s been a noticeable increase in dudes-who ain’t young-reposting this Word Porn shit. Enough. Stop it. You look childish and silly.

Yes, I know me saying “Enough with any kind of porn” is startling, as it should be. I don’t know how Word Porn started, or if/how they are making any money off all this, but fellas, knock it off.

It kills me to actually show some examples, since I am pretty sure your news feed is clogged with this horse shit numerous times a day. But for those lucky few who have no idea what I’m talking about, below are some examples of Word Porn’s that routinely make the rounds:

 

The funny gay, not any other gay.

I don’t know where these Word Porns (now to be referred to as WPs) come from, or who started them or why. Some appear to be directly credited as coming from ‘Word Porn.’ Others are quoted to authors, poets, writers, musicians and other types who I am sure are generally embarrassed their work has ended up like this. They are put into a standard, cookie cutter format and-viola-they clog up your feed. I hope WP isn’t a real company, making real money. K Theory has been churning out funny, cutting edge material for YEARS and ain’t made a damn dime. Not that I’m jealous. Or bitter. Or poor. Or hungry. Or angry…

Here’s how I envision the WP office if-your religious being of choice forbid-such a physical office exists. Every employee is a girl of varying ages. Almost all have dyed their hair, some have flashes of purple or pink or blue. If they only have one hair color upon hiring, they are issued bottles of Manic Panic as part of the dress code. Speaking of dress code, it’s mostly black. Flats are generally frowned upon. Nail polish is encouraged, as is jewelry. Wearing of bracelets is only defined as “enough to constantly make a ruckus every time you move.” Eyeshadow is wide, sometimes purple, and generally garish. (On a personal side note, ‘garish’ is one of my favorite words, and I need to use it more often.) Pretty much the same dress code for the one or two dudes that work there.

Cubicles-yes, even the faierieland of WP is a cube farm-are decorated with angels. All kinds of angels. Not the Disney kind of angels, but angels like this. 

This IS my happy face.

Pictures of cats and people with lip piercings in every cube. In frames can be found quotes like the following:

I guess this girl is like the top model for this kind of thing.

Music varies from old school (Siouxsie & the Banshees, Cure) to the newer emo bands that I am thankfully almost totally unaware of. The carpet is occasionally littered with glitter, angel dust and unicorn hair. Bathroom lighting is exclusively candelabra. Everybody is actually happy to work there, but never smiles about it. Might chip their layers of makeup.

Could you imagine if you were a delivery guy and had to deliver to this place?

Delivery guy enters. “Hey, I have a delivery for you.” Receptionist lifts her head up, already snarling like he’s bothering her from watching Cocteau Twins videos. She sighs heavily as she flicks her pen between her many, many ringed fingers. “Is it the My Chemical Romance box sets we ordered?” Guy says, “I don’t think so, doesn’t feel like that.” “Hmm, maybe it’s the hair dye. We just hired two girls.” Delivery guy is tired every interaction goes like this. “Look,” he says, “can you just sign for the package, Mist? I got a lot of deliveries today.” She sighs again as she takes his clipboard, “UMM…it’s MYSTT! How many times do I have to tell you that?” She hastily signs his sheet with a black gel pen. Delivery guy, let’s just call him Stuart, says, “How…how can you even tell I said your name wrong?” Mystt says, “It’s pretty easy there, Stewart.” Stuart says, “Hey you said my name wron..” He stops because his mind is blown.

Back to the point, many of these ‘original’ WPs seem to express the point of view of a 7^th grade girl.

I write at a 7^th grade level, and even I’m embarrassed to see drivel like this. Let alone there’s dudes, like grown men-reposting these like it’s a Kermit meme. Well, guess what, it is my business when you’re making yourself look like a huge douche nozzle.

If you’re a girl, you can kind of get away with it. To a certain age. I would say the cutoff is about 25 or so. By 25 you should realize angels are about as real as mermaids and stop wishing you were either. By 25 your looks start to go, you actually have to work out to stay in shape, hangovers are more vicious, work sucks, people let you down and kvetching about it on FB makes you look like a bitch. Yea, I said it; and it applies if you’re a girl or a guy.

But if you’re a guy and reposting this shit, just gimme your man card. Hand it right over. I’m not friends with Caitlyn Jenner on FB, but I’m pretty sure she ain’t posting this shit either. Don’t get all angry at me, I’m your friend here. All the rest of your “friends” are too embarrassed to tell you you’re posting such douchy crap. Stop it.

I’m pretty sure there is a WP generator out there that I can easily make such lameass puke. And you know what, dunderheads would probably repost it. I believe Taylor Swift is secretly writing these WPs anyway. These sound pretty much her speed. I'm guessing she's back on the market? Does she need to get a Tweet from me?

There you have it, guys; solid advice from Bro Kev. Drop the WPs. If you MUST repost stuff, the following would be acceptable:

Advice from The Rock

Pictures of half naked girls

Joe Biden memes

Mannequin challenges-though I think that fad expires on Friday

Kevolution Theory reposts

I Have Found My Spirit Animal

So there you are. It’s late at night; doesn’t matter if it’s the week or weekend. Maybe your car is almost on E. Maybe you’ve killed your buzz safely enough that it’s time to reward yourself with some Funyuns, “anything that kind of looks like meat and is warm” and a Muscle Milk to balance it all out. You get out of your car…umm, I meant to say whip, and hello, hello….

You see a vision, a hot chick. Just lounging about the gas pumps in her “night out” clothes. And I thought this sort of thing only used to happen on Skinemax. The video goes on for six minutes. And while I am sure some of you boneheads are thinking, “Too long, not gonna watch” I am sure you watched videos with hot girls that were a lot shorter than 6 minutes, ifyaknowwhatImean.

So you might want to invest the six minutes to get all the jokes, or at least trust me knowing my jokes are gonna be almost as funny anyway. I’m not going to tell you how to live your life. But seeing as how I am fascinated watching hot, drunk chicks, I watched the whole thing, and here’s what I have to say.

Video is narrated by a guy. You would think these kids would know how to hold their damn phones at this point to get a solid picture. Landscape, people! The location of this video is unknown, guy-let’s just call him Tyler-stars narrating. We’ll call the girl Ashley. (Look for their hilarious webisodes on CollegeHumor.com in a week.)

Ty exits his vehicle (sorry, was just watching Cops) and sees Ashley semi-seductively stumbling about the gas pumps. It’s unclear how Ashley (or “Smashley” as her girlfriends no doubt call her while throwing Skinny Girl martinis down her throat) suddenly materializes. Ty puts on his ‘smoove’ voice, because, let’s face it, this is pretty much shooting fish in a barrel.  Why has this never happened to me? I have spent an inordinate amount of time at convenience stores in the middle of the night due to poor life decisions. In many cases, those poor life decisions happened 5 minutes before I got to the convenience store. But, noooo, there’s no drunken Ashley waiting to stumble into my car, like an angel falling from heaven.

The smoove leaves his voice as soon as Ash makes a move to get into his “whip.” So I guess Ty is driving a solid car. The shot darkens as we hear the horn go off. Tyler is not amused, and probably readjusts his sideways cap to show as much. Ashley is hanging off the closed driver’s side door, with a “come hither” look.

She then tries to backwardly slide into the open car window like a drunken Danica Patrick. Ashley fails, falls onto the ground. Tyler proves he is not a total jerkoff and tells another customer the gas pumps aren’t working, but our girl Smash sure is. How any dude can’t at least be amused this is happening to him is beyond me. Tyler asks if Ashley needs some help, does she need paramedics “or something?” Just WTF could that “something” be? A delicious Little Debbie snack cake from the store? A GrubHub? What Tyler, what?

Ashley is only wearing a red tank top (that she is clearly rocking, BTW), Daisy Dukes and socks-no shoes. You ever wonder where those random shoes suddenly appear from out on the road? They’re Ashley’s. Tyler notes it’s cold out and is actually trying to be helpful, asking her her name. She just looks at him and doesn’t answer. Man, there really isn’t much to NOT like about a girl like this! Her equilibrium is off as she dips up and down, then holds onto the car as she moves to the passenger side.

As she moves, I see what appears to be an Impala plate on the side of the car. Tyler’s “whip” is a Chevy? A Chevy Impala? Yea, it’s black, shiny and got rims, but I think the guys down at Pep Boys wouldn’t even classify this as a “whip.” Ashley snakes her way into the car via the open passenger side window. Huh? Didn’t Tyler say it was cold? And he has both windows open just to fill up? Ashley starts mumbling about his whip, probably something like, “Eshvenn Iz know a Shebby Impala ishnt a whhhip.” She tries to stand up in the front seat. Tyler remains a gentlemen, tell Ash he’s about to call his sisters over here to “fuck you up.”

Tyler starts dropping the F bombs, then says something in Spanish. Hmm, perhaps “Tyler” was a poor choice to name him. Too late, he’s stuck with it. Plus I am far too lazy to re-edit this anymore than I have to. Tyler storms over to the passenger side, opens the door and tells her to get the f out. I’m thinking, “DUDE, there are guys that would KILL to stop for a fill up, and end up with a drunken cutie in their car.” That’s a major pull, Ty! She stumbles out, Ty continues with the f bombs, and tells her “it’s already bad enough you already got so many finger prints on my car!” Ugh, one of these guys.

Tyler goes about filling up, even though he earlier said the pumps weren’t working. Maybe he was just being a dickhead so no one took the last of the Premium for his whip. Tyler gives her some life lessons. He continues to call her dumb, as I’m starting to wonder just where in the hell this camera is. It doesn’t appear to be him holding his phone, does he wear a GoPro or something?

Turns out Ashley stole his cigarettes, so Tyler goes to get them. The cigarettes are a brand I’ve never heard of called Sandia. I guess that’s the brand all whip owners smoke. Sounds like cheap Indian tobacco to me. Ty finally turns the camera to him as he now laments the situation he finds himself in. His name is clearly not Tyler at this point, sorry hombre. I am positive you are not one of those bad hombres I’ve been hearing about. He continues to go off on Ashley, as we see her now crawling on the ground like the girl from The Ring. There’s a story as to how Ash got in this shape and ended up at this gas station, but we will never, never know.

"Must...get...grape Propel....and....my ..shoes."

Like a drunken zombie (my Halloween costume every year by the way), Lady A stumbles back to the passenger side, reaches into the whip and takes his radio! Huh? It’s almost 2017 and they’re still making removable radios? I know I am not in the whip culture, but this is news to me. She hands it back to him, Ty gets into the whip. Finally, some of the people who actually work at the gas station arrive on scene. They were probably watching the whole time, rolling their eyes because they didn’t want to deal with this shit, either.

It turns out Ashley broke Tyler’s radio. Now Tyler can’t listen to his God-awful auto-tuned “music.” He joins with a gas station employee as they follow Ashley, who is now walking like a teetering penguin. As they approach her, the video goes Sopranos and suddenly ends.

There are some things we will never know or understand, my friends. This is one of them.