I’ve been flying a lot these last few weeks. I say that not
as a brag, but as just a reality, and basis for the rest of this post. Really,
in 2019 (always be looking forward, kids) flying is not that big a deal, and
pretty common. Look up in the sky at any given time, and you will probably see
a plane of some sort. Most of us have some sort of job, that might require
periodic travel for such Penthouse Forum fodder things like “training meetings”
or “conventions.”
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| I needed a generic, yet eye catching picture to be the default. |
Here’s a fact some of you probably don’t know about air
travel. Is it possible to actually go to an airport and fly on a plane WITHOUT
CHECKING IN ON SOCIAL MEDIA! I know, shocking, right? OK, so let’s have this
discussion right at the top. Knock it off with all the humble bragging about
having to fly for work. We get it, you have a job that either requires a lot or
a little of travel. It’s not that rare. The worst are these dickheads that post
screed like, “Off to Chicago/Las Vegas/Scandanavia/Cleveland/LA. Again.” Knock
that shit off, you look like a flaming asshole. Get on the GD plane, watch a
movie, read, WTF ever and chill out. No one cares that you are at Hartsfield
Jackson. Again.
And while we’re at it, really, what IS the deal with airline
food? We’re just down to 6 pieces of something called “party mix?” It should be called “sad party mix.” Maybe if
you’re lucky, you might get a bonus pack of cookies. I recently flew Delta and
got their cookies. They were exquisite.
I wouldn’t consider myself a frequent flyer. But I fly
enough to know we can make some simple changes that can make this a much more
pleasant experience for everyone. I’ve identified a few behaviors that need to
stop as well. We need to wise up when it comes to airline travel. And isn’t
that why you read this blog; to become more smarter and stuff? Read on and
prepare to buy new headwear as your brain will no doubt grow.
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| Your head after reading this post. |
There I was, feeling pretty good about life. I was able to
snag an aisle seat, a goal I always strive for as I am rather tall. The seat
was also in the rear of the plane, which is key as I will touch upon later. Do
I really need to say that I am so important that I fly coach? Anywhoo, I was
quite stoked when I looked at my mobile boarding pass, and I was Zone 1. Zone 1
implies I am boarding first. I don’t know why this is a big deal for people.
Honestly, since I sit on the aisle, and towards the back, it really doesn’t
bother me either way.
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| Anyone know where Hooters Air is flying out of these days? Asking for a friend. |
As soon as the gate starts making announcements, a herd of
stupid people mob to the desk to stand in line. Huh? I can understand being in
a rush. But bumrushing the front of the boarding area like it was a Limp Bizkit
concert in the mid 90s doesn’t speed anything up. Nitwits. As always, I am the
invisible man, unseen in the background, surveying the situation. And it hit
me. And this is really the gist of this post.
We are boarding planes all wrong.
I was calmly sitting down in my chair, contently sipping my
expensed Jumba Juice cookies and creme smoothie; also exquisite. My pass said Zone 1, so
one would think I would be in the first boarding group, right? Nope. Noob
mistake on my part. Much like 2x4s aren’t really 2x4s anymore (Don’t believe me?
G’head and measure one. Also, Subway footlongs are not 12 inches.) Instead, the
first group to board is something like Admiral Class or some bullshit. Followed
by Emerald Status or some such bullshit. There were numerous such bullshit
groups that got to board first before the commoners in Zone 1. I guess this
really matters to some people, or it’s a perk to aspire to. After that it was
Zone 1 to Zone 20 or however long they drag it out to. Whatever, I make sure to
cropdust First Class as I barge through. I don’t care if they hear me.
And this is the biggest mistake we’re making. This is where
we need to make one simple change that can speed things up and make the
boarding process much more efficient. In fact, this will be a #VoteForKev2020
initiative.
No more 5 different terms for First Class. It’s all one
group under one term- First Class. As much as I would like to change this and
make the new Kevolution Theory Boarding Process even more effective, I can
concede that this is still a revenue point for airlines (not like they need any
more) and a status symbol/reward for others. So, fine, let these fragile little
egos board first. Here, is where the radical change takes place.
The next group to board is Window Seats. That’s right, so if
you have a window seat, you board next. After that will be Middle Seats in i.e
the seat next to the window seat. This continues until we get to the aisle
seat. Aisle Seats board last. Fucking revolutionary and common sense, right?
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| See? This is EXACTLY why I don't take the window seat. |
By the Windows boarding first, that eliminates anyone having
to get up to let someone in. After the Windows are all seated, the remaining
Middle Seats are boarded in order. Once the Middles are all seated, Aisle Seats
board.
No one is getting up or “squeezing by.” If you’re an Aisle,
no need to get up to let in Windows and Middles. #YWA
I am somewhat saddened to report even though I flew a few
times, I did not, at any point, mysteriously arrive 5 years in the future. I
did however, start drinking on Friday and woke up to a Monday, so I am getting
closer to time travel.
While we’re at it, let’s talk about these dolts that stand
up AS SOON AS THE PLANE IS AT THE GATE. Can someone please explain to my why people
feel the need to do this? I can see if you have a connection. But standing up
and clogging the aisle doesn’t speed anything up. I am pretty sure these are
the same jackals that don’t wash their hands after going to the bathroom. You’re
not getting off any quicker. What am I missing here, because I really don’t
understand. If you can explain this to me, please comment below.
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| Idiots. |
And look, since we’re all friends here, I will give you my
biggest travel tip. I am loathe to do it, because I don’t want to see everyone doing it, thus making it
ineffective. Since I treasure you, dear reader, and there are literally a
billion other (lesser) blogs out there you could be reading whilst dropping a deuce,
but you come here, I feel I can share. Just don’t tell your friends.
I’m gonna take a wild stab that most of my readership
probably doesn’t travel first class often, so it’s usually coach with the rest
of The Great Unwashed. Previously, I told you why I like to be in the back of
the plane. I prefer the rear for many reasons.
And this is my biggest secret to successful travel. Flying towards
the rear of the plane allows you the luxury of walking by all kinds of open
overhead bins. Generally, these primo spaces tend to fill up quickly, especially
on smaller planes. I have already decided that the ‘overhead’ bag contains
nothing I need for the flight; no tablets, books, neck pillow, magazines, happy
socks, protein bars, etc. All that stuff is in my backpack. If I’m sitting row
34, yet see an open bin above row 20, I put my bag in there. Now, not only have
I prevented myself from checking the bag, and possibly adding wait time to pick
it up after landing, my bag is safely stowed. Passengers are generally too
distracted to notice that I throw my bag above, then continue walking 15 rows
back. I now also have the added luxury of my bag being easier to take out of
the overhead since it is usually mostly empty at that point. Voila! #YWA. Now
don’t bogart that idea.
Another benefit of being in the back-and yes, this has to be
addressed-is if the plane crashes. In such a horrible instance, at least I will
have the luxury of a few brief extended tenths of a second amount more of live
over those poor suckers who are sitting First Class. Ha, where did all that
extra money get you now? I imagine my last pleasure will be seeing those
assholes burn. Before I do.
So what are your great airline travel tips? Share below. Don’t
worry, no one reads this blog anyway.
Deleted Scene
This was an actual conversation behind me as I was waiting
to board. I’ve been struggling to make this the best joke I can. Ultimately, I
guess it’s best form is just the way it took place, and the overall thing it
says about our social media driven society.
Two people are standing behind me. One says, “Oh my God! Did
you read what I just posted?”
And I’m thinking, “You are literally standing. Right. Next.
To. Her.”
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