So where did I leave off?
I was debating about going to the party or not. Then, in a scene eerily reminiscent of Adrian telling Rocky to go fight in Rocky II, T rose from her bed and told me I should go. With her blessing and possibly dementia in hand, I was now faced with the challenge of just what to be. I ran the single guy idea by her, and she was kind of meh. She recommended I go as something totally different. She told me to go get a short hair wig, and wear a suit.
Apparently she wanted me to go as a nerd. I don’t know what kind of meds she’s on, but I gotta try me some. Plus, I don’t think it would be a wise idea to get a beer stain on my only good suit. “So, Mr. Theory, we are prepared to offer you this totally posh job where you just sit on your ass all day and make well into the six figures, but is that Miller Lite I smell?” I Googled last minute costume ideas. I didn’t see anything horribly creative or offensive enough to use. I was a desperate man. I read an article that basically said look at everything you have and figure something out.
I swivel my chair around here in the former Missile Command office. By my window is a tie rack full of ties I never wear. For some reason this hit a chord with me. In the garage I know I have boxing headgear. So if I put the ties on my arms, legs, etc, and put on the Everlast headgear and handwraps, I could be……
Wait for it….
Wait for it….
A Tie Fighter! It reeks of the appropriate stench of last minutedness. It’s cheap and, I guess, creative on a level. Sure I am down with the single guy idea, but the tie fighter idea grows on me. Plus, how often do I wear ties, anyway? T votes for the tie fighter. I knew that should have been the kiss of death, but I went for it anyway.
I go about tying ties-in the proper tie knot, no less-all over my body. I used a tie as a belt. I tie ties on my arms and legs. I look like an under steroided Ultimate Warrior. I look like an over steroided member of the Rock n Roll Express. OK, this is as good as it’s gonna get. Now I am faced with another problem. Getting from my house into my car with no neighbor seeing me and thinking, “What the fuck?” I manage to do it, and drive to the par-tay.
I go to the garage, where beer pong is in full swing. I’m talking to someone, and now is time for the true test. I ask them if they know what I am. This is make or break, because this will give me a sign if people will get the joke, or think I’m just some motard who tied ties all over himself. He doesn’t get it.
It’s like I laid a big, giant, sloppy turd. GD it, I am stuck in a dud costume. Right on cue comes another guy known for dressing in obtuse costumes. Last year, he wore a Hawaiian shirt, and strung prescription bottles around his neck. He was a tropical depression. So, surely, he will get my costume, right?
Wrongo. Not even obtuse guy gets me, this doesn’t bode well. He then asks me to guess what he is. He is wearing all black, with paper cutouts of ears all over. Not out of spite at all, but I don’t know what he is. He is “all ears”. Yea, I’ll be drinking tonight. I ask his wife if she knows what I am. “Hmm…something with ties,” she says as a strike a boxing pose, point to the headgear. “Tie bo?” No, but actually not a bad guess; if that’s what most people will guess, then I will say, yes, I am in fact tie bo. Next year I plan to be callansthetics.
I wander inside, only to be met with more people who don’t know what I am. I get a few chuckles when I tell them what I am. But I think they are pity laughs for sure. At least I can quickly get rid of all the ties so I don’t look totally motarded.
I have to give credit to this bunch. There are always a lot of great ideas at this party. And since I like to offer something back to you, dear reader, I will now tell you some of the ideas I saw so you can steal them and use them for your Halloween party. First off, this douchebag was dressed as a tie fighter…
I saw 2 Jons, but oddly only 1 Kate. Octomom had hooked up with swine flu (a nurse uniform I think, with H1N1 written on it, pig ears, snout and tail) and absolutely ran beer pong for a good hour and a half. And then when they finally lost, we all used the same damn cups, so I am sure we will all now get sick. Slash and a groupie. Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett. Now that the Phillies are hot, there is always at least one guy who just slaps on a Phillies shirt, and wears his pants and cleats from softball and becomes some random Phillie. To keep with that theme, another guy came as one of the TBS broadcasters. We had a Santa Claus, and he said he still won’t bring me a pony for Xmas. A couple dressed as Fonzie (him) and Richie (her) that I thought was a pretty original idea. We had a sea cap’n and a jellyfish, Popeye and Olive Oyl. Another couple came dressed as Stepbrothers. I did see and really like that movie, but don’t remember their idea for it. It always seems there is one Will Ferrell costume at this party. No, no one bit on Land of the Lost; that would imply someone actually saw that movie. We had Spock and whoever the chick is from Star Trek. I didn’t see Hangover yet, but someone came as the character that was constantly hurting the baby he was carrying, I thought that was pretty creative as infant abuse is always funny on Halloween. We had an almost full scale Teen Wolf. A couple came dressed as green eggs and ham. The best costume I thought was a couple who came as Seal and Heidi Klum. I thought that was funny and original.
Brad the host always does a bang up job decking out the house. The front yard is all done with lights, graves, webs and fog. The garage, where beer pong is, always has lights, props and decorations up. He even has a giant clown that peeks in from the deck. It’s such a shame the weather has been shitty the last two years, but that doesn’t stop the fun from flowing. You have to be a motard to not have a good time at Brad’s party. Even if you are wearing six ties.
I had a really good time, although I really wish T was able to have gone. We had a really great idea for a costume, but at least we can just use it for next year. And if we’re smart, we should go hit the stores after Halloween and pick out 2011’s costume. Hmm, what celebrities will be dead by then…
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