Look, I’m not good at self promotion. I like to fancy myself
as a true Auteur. And one of the
toughest things for artists to do is have the self-confidence to promote
themselves. In the internet age, it’s easy to write any dreck and post it for
the world to see. The two problems here are 1) just how do you get people on
the internet to read your stuff and, most importantly 2) HOW DO I EVER MAKE ANY
FUCKING MONEY DOING THIS?
The truth is, in the entire existence of Kevolution Theory,
I’ve promoted it very little, and still racked up a ridiculous number of hits
(almost 23,000) for never really doing anything for it. In my last writing gig,
I was encouraged to write what we in the internet writing business as the
“listicle.” Listicles, for you untalented writers, are essentially the Net’s
take on Letterman’s Top Ten List. Establish a premise/set up, then deliver as
many punch lines as you can. We all have those asshole friends on FB who
constantly share such garbage as “15 Ways You Know You’re a Millennial!” or “10
Ways Your Dog Owns You” or “20 Ways To Seduce Hot Sober Women!”
Sound familiar? Most of the above headlines are usually
followed by such verbiage as “You won’t believe #4!” or “You’ll love #7!”
Ringing a bell now? And don’t you wanna just smack those dunces that constantly
post this shit? I’ve been meaning to write a reply piece called “The 1 Fuck I
Don’t Give About This Shit.” Next time, Kev.
Honestly, I hated writing most of the listicle posts. It’s
great if you have a solid set up, and funny punch lines, but it is seriously
tough to write 20 solid jokes for one set up. And that is essentially what the
articles above do; establish a premise and beat it to the ground like it’s Cam
Newton. (Too soon?)
 |
| "Naw, It's OK, Kev." |
Yet it seems my FB feed is spammed with this horse shit
every day. So, somebody must be
reading these. And what better way to expand my writing chops and drive traffic
to this here kick ass blog by doing a listicle? Yay!
1) I rarely use big words. Really who has time? I’m just lucky
you’re not checking out school girl porn or puppy videos. I mean, that’s pretty
much all I do on the internet these days. Look, time is precious, and I’m not
gonna try to come across any dumberer than I already am.
2) I’m funny. OK, so maybe that’s a judgement call. But I am
willing to bet you’re all here for a quick (if not guilty) laugh. I’m not gonna
get all heavy and pontificate about the deep meaning of life. I’m pretty sure
you’re meant to laugh during life anyway, Frances.
 |
| Just read the above, lazy ass. |
3) I have excellent use of pictures. Most of the pictures I use
either have a semi hidden internet meme meaning or a funny caption. That’s when
Maxim magazine jumped the shark BTW. As soon as they stopped using witty
captions for the pictures, they lost it. In fact, picking out the pictures
usually takes longer than writing the post itself. Usually because I end up
GIS-ing things like “hot (insert any word here) girls” and suddenly it’s Thursday
morning. Very addictive.
4) I am not very political. In the old days-you know, pre
social media-you let the world know your candidate of choice by putting a tacky
sign on your lawn. Now people let the world know their political choice by constantly fucking harping on it on your
social media. E-fucking-nough all ready. We get it. We get it. You love Trump.
You mock Bernie. You’re voting for Cruz. You’re voting for Hillary. We get it. Now I will let you in on a
little secret. NO ONE FUCKING CARES WHO YOU ARE VOTING FOR! Why can’t the
election be like The Force Awakens? Everyone was very aware to not talk about
the spoilers. So let’s treat the election the same way, hmmmkay?
5) I don’t post all the time. There are some people who post
like 20 different things a day on FB; pictures, quotes, games, who their best
friends are, pictures of their lunch, a witless quip about the weather, song
lyrics, kid/pet pictures, restaurant reviews, on and on and on. Do these people
have jobs? Who dafuq has time to sit on their FB all day and post inanities?
There was a time I traveled with no less than 4 web enabled devices and a hot
spot, and I barely had time to ogle half naked college girls on Instagram, and
these dipshits all up in FBs grill. I’ll only post something when I feel I have
something to say. I will only post something after I’ve edited it, made sure it
was “funny enough." Believe it or not, it can be a
lengthy process. (To wit, I originally had 78 reasons why you should read this
blog.) For example, this post has already taken me like 50 minutes to type just
the first draft with my two good typing fingers. And that’s not even counting
the inevitable time I will waste staring at half naked college girls on
Instagram. Art takes time people! Quality over quantity.
 |
| Must..come up....with.....ten reasons.... |
6) Nah, you really wouldn’t believe it anyway.
7) I, for one, am NOT controlled by the coconut oil contingent.
I mean, really, when did these guys get so much power? I suspect the coconut
oil people are just an offshoot of the Illuminati. It seems not a day goes by
that I don’t see a story on the news or in my feed where coconut oil cures
every disease under the sun. Just this week alone, I’ve read stories where
coconut oil cures the following; chapped lips, dandruff, halitosis, Hulkamania,
dry skin, paranoia, bruises, boogie woogie flu, Zika virus, fear of spiders,
the plague (both Black and Bubonic), fever, PMS, eye boogers, shyness,
anti-Semitism, split ends, resting bitch face, insomnia, melancholy, swamp ass,
muscle soreness and the heebie jeebies. Hell, I’ve heard coconut oil
 |
| "Are...are you SURE that's actually coconut oil?" |
8) I am not afraid to use the word “fuck.” Really, it is a
sorely underused word in everyday use. Yes, there are still some prudes who get
their granny panties all in a bunch over a word. Get over it. Um, sorry, I
meant get the fuck over it. Fuck is a fantastically flexible word. You can be
cold as fuck or hot as fuck. You can have a fuck, but certainly not give a
fuck. Fuck is a noun, verb, adjective, compliment, insult, expletive- it’s like
the coconut oil of words. And it just feels really good to say. “Fuck.”
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
9) OK, there are far more than just 9 reasons to read K Theory.
But the rest would just be bragging.
So, what’s your favorite reason to read this blog? Whatever
it is, I thank you for reading it. Be back soon, hopefully not with another
listicle.
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