With this amount of free time, it’s important I use it
wisely. Sure, a majority of it will be used to find a job that doesn’t crush my
soul (try entering that in the Career Builder search engine.) . But what I’ve
learned from previous experience is it is important to strike a balance. It’s
easy to beat yourself up and think you’re the loser black sheep of the family.
But you need to do other pursuits so you DON’T become a raving lunatic. And I
have learned the following practices are going to help me from going pastel.
Because, really, I hate light orange.
(In case you're new here, or my one reader who lives in Turkey, Part One is here, and Part Two is here.)
Figure out how CatDog poops. Really, how has this not
become a pressing issue? There’s no poophole! I suspect maybe it binges and
purges, but I don’t really know. HOW IS THIS NOT BOTHERING ANYONE ELSE!?!
Drink less. Yes, yes, I hear you snickering. But I’m
really gonna try. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the temporary feeling of
euphoria alcohol can swaddle you in. I see the need to blow off some steam from
time to time with a 30 of Natty Ice. But I really don’t want to be that
unemployed stereotype of the guy who’s sitting in his front yard in a lawn
chair pounding Beast Ice cans at 9 AM on a Tuesday. Of course, this won’t be
easy. As soon as news of my unemployment rippled through the neighborhood, the
rum store down the street added extra shifts and extended their hours. Well
played, guys, well played.
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| "Hi, we're new here." |
Read. Really, I have barely watched any TV at all the
last three weeks. I see all these grown people with kids going on about how
they’re binge watching 13 hours of a show and I’m wondering how the hell they
get the time. Why, just in the last 4 weeks, I have started and finished four
books! Real books! Like with no pictures or need for crayons!
Music, music, music. I don’t know how many thousands
of CDs I have. The songs I’ve labeled as ‘Rock’ in my iTunes is 12.5 days long.
The songs I’ve labeled ‘Mellow’ is 2.5 days. (C’mon, I’m not the only one who
categorizes their music like this? I have my moods.) Explore some new stations
on Sirius. I have so much great music to listen to. Music is great medicine.
Rehab my back. Bulging discs? Ha, I’m gonna get
bulging lats, brah.
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| "I can't even brush my teeth anymore." |
Spend more time in the gym. Ok, maybe because
literally the day before I got “terminated”, I renewed my yearly membership.
But also because, to me, the gym is therapy. No matter how bad I feel about
anything, or what’s weighing on my mind, or what pain I’m in, the gym almost
always seems to erase it all. I can go get lost in heavy music and heavy
plates. Get the blood flowing, the sweat going, pushing myself for that one
last rep or set. I almost always leave feeling better in that I at least improved
myself in some small way. In these trying times, I often feel the need for “run
or rum.” I mean either way, I feel better. It’s just that I never get a
hangover after a heavy sesh at the gym.
Spend more time with my dog. Ahead of rum and the gym
is the Theory Pup. He always makes me feel better. Dogs really are the best
therapists. Suck it, human therapists. My dog is far better, and sometimes our
sessions are nothing but us farting on each other.
Volunteer. For the last two years or so, I’ve been a
volunteer at a local animal shelter. I walk and feed the dogs. I clean their
kennels and play with them. This is truly a rewarding experience. While
employed, I was lucky to get there once a month, but now I hope for at least
once a week. Volunteering (whatever the cause) is truly rewarding, and a side
effect is it makes you feel so much better about yourself. I suggest helping with
animals. It breaks my heart when I leave some nights, and I know they are all
so lonely, and sometimes scared, in their kennels, it really bothers me. I’ve
dealt with dozens of dogs of all types, and never had a bad experience. Yea,
you find a few you feel a connection with and just wanna take ‘em home. As sad
as I may feel if I only work with a dog once, that is equaled when I go back
and they are gone; happily in their forever home. It’s my job to just be a
little ray of sunshine in their journey to their home. If I can just make a
difference it their life for the time I have to walk and play with them, then
that is pretty damn rewarding.
Write more. As with some of the above, this is great
therapy. And, look, I promise to not
write all these maudlin, “oh woe is me” posts. No one wants to read that shit. (Trust
me. The numbers for Part One of this were more than twice that of Part Two. You
unsupportive bastards.) I’m gonna write (hopefully) funny stuff. Probably some about
dealing with being unemployed and finding that alleged “dream job.” But I will
do my best to make it funny. I have decided to be a bit more open about my
current situation, and if we can all get some humor out of it, cool. But, I
swear, I will write those adult, off color stuff that we all need more
of. Trust me, I know my strong material rests with penises, vaginas, farts (you
caught the one with me and the dog, right? See?), self deprecation,
observational humor. I may end up a bum, but I will not bum you guys out.
Pinkie swear.
Sleep more. “Really,
Kev?” Yes. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, without an alarm clock, I
would wake up about 9, not 6. So for years, I’ve been short changing myself
about 15 hours a week. I’ve documented my sleep issues in the past. So now if I
go to bed at roughly the same time, and get up an hour or so later, fine.
Eat raw cookie dough. Really, there’s not much left
to lose at this point.
Not get down on myself. OK, a tad harder than some of
these, but it’s still as important.
Eat better. And by that, I mean more healthy stuff.
These things that are called “fruits and vegetables” that aren’t artificially
flavored. I’m a big fan of the NutriBullet. I’m eating ALL KINDS of hippie
shit. Stuff like spinach, kiwi, ginger, chia, flaxseed, cucumbers. Add a shot
of protein, and I’m good to go. Most of this stuff is dirt (pun intended) cheap,
and like 20 bucks at the produce store can last you a week or so. Plus, the
NutriBullet can whip ya up some tasty daiquiris. Win win!
No better time to get that facial tattoo. Time for it
to heal it up as well. Heellooo Oakland Raiders logo!
Grow those dreadlocks. No better time to. My own
personal record of “days without shampooing” is five. And that was while I was working. Yeah, mon!
Formalize my platform for my presidential campaign.
If the best a country of 350 million people can do is give us Clinton and
Trump, am I not just as viable? I mean,
really, I have nothing better to do. OK, I probably shouldn’t start my first
campaign speech off quite like that. “Ladies and gentlemen of the finest
country in the world, I really don’t have a lot to do right now. So screw those
other two, and just hand the reigns over to me, huh? BTW, just so we’re all
clear here, I’m only working Monday-Thursday. So NO shenanigans between 5PM
Thursday to 10 AM (or so) Monday morning. ‘Cause that shit is just gonna sit
around till Monday morning. Is this clear?”
The above is absolutely gonna get it’s own post. Totally. #VoteForKev Run with it, people.
Next blog is back to the usual clownshoes.
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