In case you missed Part One, you can read it here. And even
if you did read Part One, so much has gone on since Monday, you probably forgot
about it already. Whatevs. So the one condition I had was the girl had to be
cute.
Fellas, this is Shenae.
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| It's like striking out with six girls all at once. |
Ah, what a sweet Southern Belle name
Shenae is. Well, it turns out she’s from Canada. And that’s pretty hot, too. If
she looks familiar, it’s because she was on the 90210 “reboot” a few years ago.
(Don’t act like you didn’t watch. And that you still would to Jennie Garth.) In
fact, more cursory research-my favorite kind of half ass research here-reveals
just about all the actresses on the new 90210 have done some of these Xmas
movies. The movie I will toothpick my eyes open for is called Christmas
Incorporated. Description is:
Sometimes, life just seems to hand you exactly what you need
– particularly at Christmastime. In this new yuletide tale, Riley is scraping
bottom when she miraculously lands a job with a wealthy New York City
entrepreneur. He’s a bad-boy socialite type who is poised to play Scrooge by
closing one of his factories just before Christmas, which would devastate and
entire town. It’s left to Riley to talk him out of it and turn him into a man
of virtue rather than shame. But will a case of mistaken identity ruin the
whole plan?
Everything you’d need to know about this “movie” is here.
I guess this dude passes as good looking? I don’t know what
the hell passes for “good looking” with the ladies today. He looks kinda nerdy
and geeky to me, but I am easily jealous. Since I am being judgmental, Shenae was
much better as a redhead. I guess some might say I have a thing for reds. But
the dark hair ain’t working for me, and I will be sure to let her know in the
next 500 Tweets I send to her.
The movie starts at 2 PM. My guess is I will want to start
drinking at 2:05. But that’s OK, because I am unemployed, and pretty much do
that regardless of day anyway. Onto my review and thoughts.
Trust me when I
tell you this will be far more entertaining than the actual movie. I think it’s
gonna take me longer to write my critique of this movie than the hack who
actually wrote it. Note to self; write my own realistic Xmas movie where there
isn’t always the “Xmas miracle” at the end. Get hot chick to star. Ka-ching!
Open, stock shots, of NY, cut to interview. Shenae plays
Riley Vance. Riley gets shot down for a great job because she is unemployed, I feel
ya, sister. She gets a hot tip to interview with William Young, who, of course,
has just inherited his father’s company. Our, heroine, Riley, gets the job, but-shocker-her interviewer confuses her with another Riley (that happens in stripper clubs a lot, too), Riley Van Allen. Our Riley never lets on, and we never know
what happened to Riley Van Allen. Maybe she ended up a corpse on the ID Channel
or something.
Of course, William is contemplating closing down the
flagship factory. Next thing we know, Riley is flying her way to Dover, the
requisite small town being kept afloat by the toy factory. Yup, like this shit
happens in real life. Fill in the blanks, hack writers.
William doesn’t like Xmas of course, so I am with him. Willy
doesn’t fly he wants to drive-his motorcycle. Rebel. On his way into town, William
gets pulled over by what can best be described as the “local-yokel” officer.
William takes his helmet off, and of course, perfect hair. It is noted, he has
no luggage what so ever. Dunderhead William didn’t bring his ID, so he gets
taken to jail. If he can’t even carry ID, how can he run this company? The local paper runs a headline how William already got arrested his first 5 minutes in Dover. I don’t
like his chances….
First commercial break shows an ad for what has to be
another horrible Xmas movie starring another girl I am pretty sure was the brunette in the
new 90210. Is there some sort of clause in their contracts?
It’s 20 minutes in and no drink yet. I think I should get
some sort of chip for this.
Riley takes William to the house she’s rented. He hates Xmas
and demands all the decorations she put up be taken down. You da man, Willy! Not shown, William watching Riley seductively bending and stretching while she writhes to take down all the decorations. At least that how I would have written it.
William says his parents weren’t around for Xmas. Um, yea, maybe because they
were busy running the family toy business and affording your lavish lifestyle,
you dickhead. You don’t deserve my sweet Riley, even with her dark hair.
There’s a nosy town reporter starting to take pictures. This
could be trouble. Rilliam-as I now call Riley and William-head to the factory.
Cue montage of William and Riley touring the toy factory.
Now I’m no expert
here, but when I see the factory is making wood toys, magnifying glasses and
teddy bears, no one should be shocked it’s going under. The cup and ball segment has shrunk since the 1920s. Where’s the drones and
X Boxes and smart watches? At one point, Riley says, “Nothing is impossible at
Xmas time!” I think I just puked in my mouth a little bit. Riley comes up with
an idea that-of course-can lead the factory to profitably.
The town is just happening to have it’s 114th
Winter Carnival. The mayor cajoles William to be grand marshal. It looks like
this ‘carnival’ is taking place in an alleyway, this town really is kinda shitty.
Another local yokel immediately heckles William, and asks if he’s going to
close down the factory. William waffles like a true politician.
Riley gets bummed out that William choked, so she does what
any cute girl does-sit by herself on a park bench. Then a “Santa” just happens to
come by and does what any dude would do in this situation-hit on her. OK, maybe
he really didn’t, as any guy in a Santa suit can be a bit shifty.
In the interest of transparency, I am skipping parts here.
You guys should be thanking me. William runs into the Santa guy, who is clearly
the real Santa, like, duh. I think there has to be a real Santa in all these
Hallmark movies. Another Xmas movie crutch.
Call me nuts, but I think these crazy kids are falling for
each other. That’s a pretty novel twist for a holiday movie, right? Right?
I really didn’t think I could get offended by anything I saw
on TV after the election, but I am wrong.
My seven remaining brain cells are
distraught. Ha, little do they know all the beer will kill them tonight!
After the break, Rilliam are at an ice rink, which is probably
the coldest set in the entire damn movie. They’re getting kinda flirty, but
there’s that nosy reporter with her nosy camera! William starts laying it on to
Riley. William will make dinner for Riley. Take notes here, guys.
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"Trust fall!" Catches her by the boobs. |
During this commercial break, we (I feel like you’re here
with me now. I even put pants on.) see more previews for shitty Hallmark Xmas
movies. This one was for as big Hollywood star who comes back home and falls
for two small town guys! Drama! I can’t wait to not watch it! I think anymore
is all they do is just hack up all their older movies with the same damn plot and
re-edit them back together.
I also see an ad for SImplyFitBoard.com It’s all just people
swiveling on a board. I shit you not.
Back to whatever this movie is called. Good to know it’s
rated TV-G, since only 5 year olds could enjoy this crap. While having dinner,
William tells Riley she reminds him of his grandmother. Dude! Brah gotta work
on his pick up lines. Nosy reporter takes pictures of them eating and the next
day’s headline asks who his mystery date was. Aren’t there like lost dogs or a
local football team to report on?
While at the factory, William is approached to be in Secret
Santa. He doesn’t know what that is. He draws the youngest girl there. Will is
a hit in this town. Rilliam declare there was no date last night-as they eat
lunch. By themselves. William needs help buying for his Secret Santa. Riley
finally gets William to dish on why he doesn’t celebrate Xmas.
William’s mother died, so his grandmother made Xmas special.
When grandma died, that magic faded, William’s father was too busy running the
damn company. William misses grandma at Xmas, so therefore, he hates it. Sound logic
to me, William. Air high five, you overdramatic bastard.
45 more minutes of this bullshit. I have never wanted Xmas to
come quicker.
William’s company runs Riley on their site as being a new
hire. But, OH NOES!! The company website listed the Riley they thought they hired, not our current
Riley. You know who catches this? That meddling reporter, that’s who. I smell complications!
Riley gets William to read to a bunch of school kids. She
knows he can read; she must be turned on now. That Santa guy reappears. Neither
Riley nor William invited him. They have no idea who this guy is, and don’t
seem concerned that Santa is spending all this time with young children. I am
sure the school will just send a letter home about this “stranger danger.”
Riley says she’s never had a boyfriend past Thanksgiving. I
think this is called foreshadowing. Or she just dated guys that didn’t want to
buy her presents. We’ve all been down that road before.
Fucking 32 minutes for Riley to be exposed as the wrong Riley.
Also, the factory and town need to be saved and Rilliam has to happen. Lots to
tie up. I sense the reporter will bust Riley at the factory or in front of the
entire town. Damn mainstream media.
Do they award Pulitzer's for blogging? Because, damn, I
feel like I am earning it with this one.
After redecorating the house for Xmas, Riley invites William
to Xmas at her parents. That’s her boss still. Totes awk. While at the
factory-called it!-nosy reporter busts Riley in front of William. Riley
confesses, William, now douchey and not taking her cuteness into account, gets
all pissy. Riley leaves, William gets all emo and mopey.
Yet, everyone else can forgive Riley and see how good she
is. William is typically dense, such a dude. Even the freaking mayor tells
William to nut up. The mayor goes on this long, sappy drawn out story about
meeting his wife. In writing circles, we call this the “Oh shit” moment, where
the obvious point finally dawns on a character. I am pretty sure this “Oh shit”
moment happens at just about this point in every one of these damn movies.
William’s all caught up “Riley wasn’t who she said she was.” William must not
be on Facebook. Or Tinder.
Riley retreats home to the safety of her parents’ couch.
Doorbell rings! Guess who? Bill Cosby! JK, just seeing if you’re still paying
attention. It’s William. Rilliam might happen!! I hope he brought her a Sexy
Santa set!
To save the factory, William bought the remaining toys. Now
they just need to deliver the toys. While Rilliam is in the truck, he sets her
up with her own business so she can consult on his other companies. The truck
breaks down, and Riley fixes it. Clearly, there is nothing she can’t do, and at
this point, I might take a swing on her.
FFS, the last 5 minutes are mushier than damp bread at the
bottom of the lake. They start making out, camera pans to sky. I’m pretty sure
they broke up before New Years Eve.
Thank God this shit is over. I feel dirty.
