The Asshole Hustle

As a point of reference, as I write this, it is just past 4PM on November 22^nd. It is the day before Thanksgiving. AKA, the biggest party night of the year. Might as well get one more good belt in before hanging with the fam for a day or two. And to be honest, I am already on my fourth rum and coke. I guess no one at this Barnes and Noble seems to find it odd. Nor do they find it odd I am clearly drinking in the children’s section. But, as I look around, I see plenty of the other breeders are doing the same thing. We occasionally nod to each other as if to say, “You’re cool here, brother. This is a safe space.” I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one here without actual children, but it does beg the question if the rest of them are pedos. So, what was the point of this blog?

Oh, yea, my new racket..um…hustle, umm  job. Let’s be honest, the evolution of real jobs over the last few years has been pretty wild. In this digital age, we now have professional cuddlers, Instagram picture takers,or sleeping on stranger’s floors. Hell, it seems like it was only a few years ago, our parents were telling us to never get in a stranger’s car. Nowadays, we hop on this mystical little device, and direct strangers to our exact location-often times, our own home-and willingly get in their car and have them drive us somewhere. They know our names and info. Progress?

In that entrepreneurial spirit, I have identified a need that needs filling. (That’s what needs do, they need stuff. That’s why they are a need.) And it’s a need I am particularly skilled in. You need a drunken asshole? I’m your man! Perhaps a few examples:

How many times have you found yourself in this scenario. A buddy says to you, “Hey, you doing anything tonight? Mike is having a party.” Being the pro you are, you ask, “Is DT going to be there?” Now, this DT character is someone we all know. The initials are meaningless, but they are always there. DT is often a male. (In cases when it’s a girl, the initials rule applies, but, also a caveat. The moniker “Crazy” might be applied. For example, Crazy Alanis or Crazy Steph. If you are a guy, dating Crazy is often adventurous.)

Yup, makes sense.

 He often goes by his initials. Sure, DJs are common. You might get other names like JT, JD, HM. Sometimes, more random initials like, J Dub (instead of the many syllabled W), PA. The initials are not as important as the character. DT is the guy who brings the party. DT is the guy you can just meet for a quick bite at Applebee’s on a Tuesday night, then wake up in an Atlantic City hotel room on Thursday. And you live in Wisconsin. DT will often show up dressed fairly nice, but as the night progresses, he loses his sport coat, his shirt becomes untucked and he is wearing glowing beads of some sort. Everyone loves DT. You wouldn’t trust him with a $10 loan, but when everyone gets their party on, everyone becomes best friends with DT. Parties are better with DT. Because he always gets drunker than everyone else. No matter how shit faced you get, DT gets more shit faced. No one remembers you tore the toilet paper holder off the wall of the guest bathroom because DT poured a margarita into the aquarium, then used a straw to drink it out. Ah, crazy ol’ DT being DT.

You’re asking if DT will be there, because that gauges your level of raging. If DT is there, you can safely get shitfaced, because the spotlight will be on DT. So, in a Choose Your Own Adventure style, it would look like this.

Is DT coming? If yes, flip to page 89

Page 89: “Great, I can safely get tuned. No worries.”

Is DT coming? If no, flip to page 91

Page 91:” Cue the fail horn! “Damn it, looks like I’m on Miller Lite all night.”

And, that, my friends is where I come in. If there’s one thing I have experience in, it’s being a drunken asshole. So why not make a living at it? You need more convincing? Man, when did you guys get to be such hardasses? Fine.

Here’s your real-world scenario. You’ve had a long week. Your fantasy team lost. Work was donkey balls. You just want to unwind. There’s a happy hour Friday night. You do your due diligence, and DT won’t be there. You want to get carelessly shitfaced. What’s one to do?

Call me!

Yup, my side hustle-as the kids all call it nowadays-is to be a raging, drunken asshole. A stretch, I know, but please let me elaborate. I will meet you at the event site; bar, country club, office Xmas party, Aunt Gladys’ funeral. Though, please note, the more formal the event, there will be a sliding fee to cover me getting all dressed up. You’re talking to a guy who does his best work in jeans and a t-shirt. Regardless, it will be my job to act like it’s a typical Tuesday afternoon; i.e  get blackout drunk and wake up in shame but hopefully at least my own bed. You can go get as sloshed as you want. I’ll be funneling Jager bombs with all the kids. And while I’m all stumbling around, you’ll be happily, invisibly toasted and no one will ever know because I am swinging off a chandelier wearing someone else’s shoes. Aw, ‘dat crazy KT!

Now, look, you all can realize this is a ROCK SOLID service I offer, and I suspect many of my ne’er-do-well readers will be hitting me up at @ifyouseekev to inquire of my services. But, it doesn’t stop there. No, no, no. This is Kev Theory we’re talking about here. While this is already an invaluable service, I am offering, you should be expecting more from me. And, I gotcha covered.

Maybe because I am now 7 drinks into my evening. Maybe because Evil Kev is starting to come out to play. Maybe because there are now actually kids here in the kid’s section. WTF? But I will offer many different levels of services. Depravity has many bounds.

Let’s be honest. You have your own motives. They may be pure, they may be evil. Frankly, I don’t care. I am an uncaring assassin. I’ve watched enough Jason Statham movies to understand. 

This tastes like steroids. With a dash of HGH. And strawberries!

So, let’s say there is an event you want to get out of. HMU. Is there a wedding on the horizon that might conflict with the prospect of NOT going to a wedding you don’t want to go to? I can make that happen. Invite me to a family gathering beforehand. Tell me who to piss off, and I can do that. Just ask my Uncle Lou. Because he won’t speak to me, but SEE? That’s my point. Screw him for getting married to some trollop the same Saturday as the Preakness. Or was it the Belmont? I don’t remember; I don’t follow horse racing all that closely.

OK, so that may be evil. But I specialize in tough love. Sometimes, the ones you love need to hear a message loud and clear. I gotcha. Let’s say there is a wedding coming up, and you don’t agree with the bride of choice. You hire me. You give me all the facts. (in my biz, we call this a dossier, but no need to bog down the minds of all the commoners) You tell me who to talk to and what to say. You bring me to a family event. Wind up my string (fill me up with liquor, because that gets to the truth a lot quicker than beer) and set me off. “Hey, are you Craig? You’re getting married soon, right? To, uhh, whatsherface? Right, right. Hey, look man, I know I don’t know you, but (defers to script given to me) Hello lost deposits! And hello Jen, the bridesmaid. Also, you get that free weekend off.

Maybe you don’t like your boss. Psyche! Who doesn’t like their boss? What better way to give them a piece of your mind-safely-than by letting me tell him/her off? Invite me to the office golf outing. Tell me what you want this douche bag to hear. Then stand back as I level him/her with your own words! It’s like all those cheesy teen age rom-com movies where the guy in the bushes-who is secretly in love with the girl hanging out the window-tells the guy standing in the open what to say! (OK, I know that’s a roundabout simile, but y’all know what I’m talkin’ ‘bout here.) In the end, I get tossed out, you can claim ignorance, and your boss hears the shit they need to hear. In fact, they may even become a better person! GD, sport, you’re such a good person! Ask for that raise!

Jesus, I need to advertise this better on Craigslist. Maybe buy a sponsored shot on LinkedIn.

I’m not only Next Level, I have all this shit thought out. Through all of this, you rational thinkers should be saying, “But under what guise, Kev Theory? On WHAT GROUNDS? That is a fair question. And if I wasn’t now 12 drinks into my night and wondering how I got into the erotica section of this B&N, I would have addressed this earlier. Again, all my rational thinking readers are now saying, “Well, K Theory, if you were a better writer…”  To which, I intelligently respond…well..um….

Fuck you.

Going back to the hanging question, just how do I get invited to all these events? The answer is simple. The answer is… (skip to the scene of a clock advancing 5 minutes) whatever makes the most sense. Invite me as your friend. I’ll be a coworker. Or an old college buddy.  We used to play hockey together. You a girl? Invite me as your date. You a guy? Invite me as your date. I got both ears pierced, so I can pull off either. That’s dedication! Though truth be told, I’ve skipped through enough Lifetime Xmas movies to know how “pretending” I’m your date usually ends up, so try to keep your walls up against my smoldering hotness. Actually, in all reality, it won’t be that hard.

So there you go. If anyone knows Ashston Kutcher, who likes to invest into ultracool web startups, he can DM me @ifyouseekev. If anyone knows Mila Kunis, then tell her to email me at ifyouseekev@gmail.com. Just because. The rest of you can spread the word or invest.

Happy Thanksgiving! Rates go up in 10 minutes.

DVD Extra

This entire post is based on what I thought was a throwaway FB post that went like this:

Hey guys!

Don’t feel like being the drunken asshole at all your gatherings this holiday weekend? Well, good news! My services are still available! Hire me to come in and be the raging asshole, so all the attention is taken off of you!

PM me for reasonable rates and enjoy yourself this weekend!

References available upon request. Many, many references.

A sincere, heartfelt thanks for all those who liked than and spurred me onto the above post.