Troubling Texts I Send My Lady

Look, I can be a dick. This isn’t news to you. Hell, it’s not even fake news; both CNN and Fox News agree I can be a raging asshole, even if they haven’t retweeted that like I have repeatedly and politely asked. And look, it goes without saying that I can also be a dick to the people closest to me. What’s the point of having friends and family if you can’t incessantly bother them?

No one knows this more than my girl. And I’ll be honest here, I absolutely have to change her name to protect her. So, for the sake of argument, let’s just call her Taylor Swift. No, wait, let’s call her Alexandra Daddario. Wait, that one is taken, too? Geez, this could take all night. Let’s just call her my lady. Yea, that sounds all classy like.

This is the way I imagine every girl I text. Also, this will be the default pic for the post. Hot girls= cheap hits.

I do not possess the tools to make a good decision here.

So, my lady goes out of town for the weekend. I briefly try to fight Disney for the right to use the term “The Happiest Place on Earth” to describe my place for the weekend, but was unfruitful. And, look, it’s not like I do anything wild while she’s out of town. It’s literally like I am living at home again, and the parents leave town for the weekend. In fact, I do the same damn things; play video games, watch teen slasher flicks and drink till I pass out. At some point, my smoking hot step sister comes in and tries to seduce me. No, wait a minute that was a video I was watching over the weekend. OK, what was I talking about? 

Oh yea, with the advent of the smart phone, two things have happened; 1) almost every teen slasher movie suddenly has a gaping plot hole and 2) I can harass people-i.e.-my lady-to no end. While I’m safely and gallantly at home, avoiding temptation, she’s out gallivanting with her friends till 4 in the morning. It’s really my duty to rain on her fun parade and make her worry. It keeps her in check. This is normal behavior for successful couples. So while my lady was out of town this weekend, I woke up Sunday afternoon, and decided to share the following texts with you, loyal readers. All 14 of you. Feel free to use with your own loved ones.

Your red nail polish is my favorite flavor. Also, you need more red nail polish.

When did our neighbor get to be so hot?

Apparently, I ordered $400 of merch from Michale Buble last night. And nothing even in my size. Who is he?

I just drank an entire bottle of ranch dressing. Or maybe it was Caeser.

I am totally sober.

And this beer. And this Fireball. And this Jager. And this...

Hey, just curious. What’s the name of your hot friend with the blow job lips?

Aaaaand, I'm done

I’m watching college football even though I did not go to college.

Does blood come out of carpet? No need to worry, it’s not mine.

Whose toe nails are these?

I put all 3 contacts in my eye today.

The clinic said my test came back negative.

What size is my head?

Free ballin

What is the neighbor’s password for wifi? I already tried TaylorSwiftWantsMe, but that's not it.

I don't quite know what's going on here, but I am all aboard.

I found an extra shoe.

Take your clothes out of the dish washer tomorrow.

I dyed my hair blue. No, not that hair.

I feel fat.

Do any spas near us offer hand release? Asking for a friend. You know who I’m talking about.

I miss your boobs.

I don’t have enough camo.

Turns out it’s not mine.

Don’t get fat.

I just won the WWE World Championship. So don’t bitch I didn’t do anything this weekend.

Was that bump always there?

Your underwear feels tight.

I find hats odd.

I have renamed the mute button the Sofia Vergara button.

So much better with the sound turned down. Fellas, am I right?

Oh my god, Becky, look at her butt.

Look at it!!!!!!!!

Jose from the pizza place says hi. What dafuq up with that?

Dude, who dafuq are you? Just gimme my damn pizza and get the hell off my porch.

Margot Robbie wants me. Up your game, toots.

Never get tired of this. Also, ladies, Halloween is coming up. Just saying.

Why did you Google “hunky pool boys” when we don’t even have a pool, biotch???

I think I might be on Live PD tonight.

Purple snuffalougness

How do you spell snuffalougness?

Snuffleupagus. Got it.

Kev, just how much have you had tonight to be seeing me?

No, I don’t have time to talk. It’s 2^nd and 3. This is important. Please leave me alone.

I have watched CMT all day. Please help.

I shaved off one of my eyebrows. You figure this shit out.

Did you know there is a porn for every situation? Like, literally, any conceivable situation, there is a porn for it. I’ve researched this for hours today. Fascinating.

And BTW, when you come over, be wearing those fuck me boots, please. You know the ones.

Covfefe.

Suck It Fall, Summer Is Still the Best

Because in summer, hot girls are all like:

I can't caption this; I am too busy staring.

Come winter, the hot girls are all like:

"I'm naked under four layers of clothes."

Wait, you want more? Geez, needy bastards. I don’t get paid per word here.

As I write this, it’s Wednesday, September 7^th. And this is actually news to me, since I have been “between jobs” for a few weeks now, days are relative to me. I used to know trash day was Thursday, because, well, I actually knew when it was Thursday. Now I rely on my employed neighbors to wheel their trash out on Wednesday night, and I know the trash has to be out the next morning. Actually, it’s not the trash I am worried about, it’s getting rid of all the empties…

This time of year, I am beleaguered by people who endlessly prattle on how they “love the fall,” “I love all the leaves” and “it’s the best time of the year.” Um…no. These people are wrong and also the type of people to not stand for the National Anthem. (Too soon?) These people are not to be trusted. I have found that upon hearing the leaf comment, presenting them with a rake is usually enough to get them to shut their ignorant pie hole.

Eat shit, Rusty.

OK, so let’s take a breath here before we cast judgement, let’s be impartial to these ignorant shit heads. Let’s look at some of their chief arguments (who, by the way, is also the name of the Indian in the Village People, I believe)

“I love the color of the leaves.” You sick freaks. You know why leaves change colors? It’s because the tree is sucking back all the water and oxygen from the leaf itself. Fucking trees. These are also the people who say they love “all the color”, then refuse my constant invite to rake my GD yard.

“It’s so much better than the summer.” See the top two pictures, feel free to insert the person of your desires and tell me again with a straight face. Though, I will concede any girl who wants to rake my yard instantly gets one full point more attractive. And what 8 doesn't want to be a 9?

Your move.

“I love pumpkin.” Enough with the pumpkin thing already. Nowadays, you can’t move your head without seeing pumpkin spice coffee, pumpkin scented candles,pumpkin chunkin,

pumpkin puree, pumpkin beer, pumpkin soup, CM Punk in UFC, pumpkin ice cream, pumpkin pie, Smashing Pumpkins, pumpkin hand soap.

Summer is the best season. You actually have to prepare for summer. You have to get in shape. You never see articles like “Fall Shred For Winter Abs!” or “Best Places To Go For Your Winter Vacation.” Summer is the only season where it’s implied you just slack off for three months. That’s why, come Labor Day, it’s ‘back to work’ and ‘back to school.’ No one ever says, “Welp, now that winter is done, I guess winter hours will be over at the office now.”

There are literally thousands of songs-many considered classic songs-about summer. Acts like the Beach Boys and Jimmy Buffett make their bones by singing only about summer. Can you name 10-hell, I’ll go ya 5-songs about fall right now? 5,4,3,2,1 buuzzzzzzz. You can’t do it. Maybe you tried to sneak in a ‘harvest’ song or something, but you can’t do it. That’s because musicians hate fall (and winter) because it makes touring that much more dangerous. You’re never gonna hear Drake singing about a booty call when there’s wet leaves on the road.

People don’t get seasonal affected disorder in the summer. Typically, SAD starts in the fall and lingers into winter. One of the treatments for SAD is light therapy. You know, light, like the sun that is abundant in the long days of the summer. You may love fall, but fall is trying to kill you. Just like leaves on the tree. Fall is when things die; leaves, plants, grass, my hopes and dreams, Taylor Swift’s relationship. No wonder Halloween works so well in the fall.

I do my best to hold onto the summer. I wear shorts everyday for as long as possible; flip flops, too. (This makes for awkward job interviews, though.) The hammock stays up for as long as possible, I try to grill outside for as long as possible. And look at what we do when summer is over; we burn shit to stay warm outside. Bonfires. You can’t walk into a store without seeing firepits. Hey, here’s an idea; if it’s cold outside, stay inside. That’s what we have shelter for.

To be fair, there are some things I like about the fall. Halloween is my favorite holiday, and the amount of slutty Wonder Women

Aaanndddd I'm done....

and Harley Quinns

Close enough, let's go.

this year should be bonertastic. Fall also brings God’s greatest sport-hockey-back. Football also returns, and this year I am looking good as none of my players have been seriously hurt-yet.

Fun facts; the following are things you don’t have to worry about in the summer; raking, scraping, shoveling, blizzards, frost bite, freezing your nuts off, avalanches, forgetting to get a Xmas present for that one damn aunt who always buys you something every year and Wampa attacks.

I've made my case. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta get the trash out.