The Assholes That Don't Want Me To Be Healthy

Every Saturday and Sunday morning, it’s the same thing. Wake up in bed (if I’m lucky) and try to fill in the blank space from, “Well, Ok, I wasn’t planning on drinking tonight, but since we’re here, I’ll have ONE beer” to waking up. I collect myself and decide in order to tip the karma scale of health back to ‘non-toxic’, I’ll drag my ass to the gym. Time to pay the piper. Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.

The only reason I am using this picture is because I have learned that Facebook will only use the first image I post in the link.

Fresh with a high from working out, I will drive to the local produce store to buy fruits and veggies for the week. And, without fail, every time I go there on a Saturday or Sunday, I always find myself asking the question, “Why is this place always so GD crowded on the weekends? It’s a fucking zoo here."

"Jesus Christ, all I want is 5 pounds of yams!"

I spend the next 25 minutes standing in two lines; one for fruit and one for veggies. Helplessly, hopelessly standing in line, I swear, they can grow new tomatoes in the time it takes me to secure my produce.

OK, so it is partially my fault for going on the weekends, when every other nudnik goes. However, seeing the ineptitude of all the assholes in front of me never fails to amaze me -in a bad way. It’s just assholes. Assholes all around me. (BTW, I am seriously considering changing from Kevolution Theory to Assholes All Around Me, since it seems I bitch about that a lot.) So let me tell you about these assholes at the produce store.

First off, it’s just the volume of people in front of me. Don’t these people have some place better to go on a weekend morning than the fruit store? Maybe some coffee and a Danish? Maybe a hike? And they’re not assholes just because they are in front of me. They are assholes because of their behavior.

Here’s how a sane, rational, though slightly ripe, individual would spend his time in line. “Hmm, OK, let’s see, “ I think to myself “We need bananas. Apples, too, especially with some peanut butter. Kiwi is cheap, so I’ll grab a bag of those. All right, some blueberries, that’ll do.” As I get closer to the counter, I grab a bag of apples and a bag of kiwi. I silently curse, because I always for get to bring cloth bag to put everything in. You know what? Don’t’ judge. I don’t have kids, so I’m saving generations of wear and tear on mother Earth. So I can take the occasional gotdamn plastic bag and not feel guilty about it.

Also, I am multi-tasking. I am adding up everything. Then I go into my wallet so I am prepared to pay. When I make it to the counter, I tell them everything I need in one shot. How easy, polite and sensible, right? Apparently, I am the only one that has mastered these simple practices that speed the line along for everyone.

"Eating salad makes me laugh!"

Time and time again, I see asshole after asshole finally get to the counter and act like all this fruit in front of them is a surprise. “Um……OK……I’ll take some……bananas…..” The poor amigo behind the counter turns around, walks 2 feet, grabs the bag of nanners and puts them on the counter. Clueless asshole continues, “OK…um….let me have the…..apples. The gala apples. NO. No, the delicious apples.” Poor amigo walks 3 feet, grabs the apple bag (which I am pretty sure is slang for testicles) and puts it on the counter. This cycle of wasting everyone’s time continues 4 or 5 more times. “Is that all?” the dead in the eyes counter person asks. “Yes” asshole replies, then acts shocked that money has to change hands at this point in the exchange. They then fumble with their wallet/purse.

Really? Really? It’s assholes like you that make eating healthy so damn difficult for the rest of us. Look, for my current job, I spend hours in super markets and mass merchants. Food is always all around me. Cheap, fattening, but so damn good tasting food. The temptation is always there to just grab a big ol’ bag of Reese’s peanut butter cups and devour the whole thing. But, just like everyone else, I struggle with my food choices, and try to eat healthy as much as I can. That’s why I’m at the GD produce store. I’m loading up for the week, so I can eat a bit smarter and healthier. And because, just maybe, I ate an entire bag of Reese’s on the way there.

I'm not much for fruit, but I'll help you clean the plate.

The vegetable line is worse. I often wonder if they called it the vegetable line because that’s what you’re waiting in line to get, of that is the state of the line dwellers. Here, we see the same behavior. People picking their veggies one at a time and not having any money ready. We also see another behavior which drives me nuts. When you walk into the produce store, it’s pretty clear the fruit line is for fruit only. The veggie line is for-wait for it-veggies only. If you’re one of those freaks who is buying flowers, you get your own flower line, hippie. It never fails, there is always some jerkoff who wants to pay for fruit and/or flowers in the veggie line. “Oh, it’s only one thing of strawberries” or “And I just have these rhododendrons” like the rhododendron just jumped into the cart, and, what the hey, I’ll take ‘em anyway.

"Fruit dipped in whipped cream still counts, stud."

Some days, it takes what left of my strength to not slowly walk over to the eggs, open them, take out a few eggs, put the eggs back and karate chop the asshole right in the throat. I hate these entitled assholes who think the rules don’t apply to them. But it always happens.

So here I am on a Friday afternoon. I’m beat from working all day, but the produce store is not too far away. I’ll be smart and hit it in the afternoon. Who the hell could be there in the middle of the day?

Assholes. Assholes all around me. How does this happen? Don’t these people have jobs? Look, I applaud anyone who is trying to eat better. It’s just do you have to be such a pain in the ass about it? The conspiracy theorist in me thinks Monsanto just pays these dipshits to clog up lines in produce stores. I’ve seen people order 6 beers at the bar more efficiently than these jackoffs. Leave it to the alcoholics to have their shit together.

To sum up: I’m glad you’re eating healthy. Just use your head. Already know what you want. Bring your own bags. Have your money ready to go. Fruit in the fruit line, veggies in the veggie line, show a little respect. And, for all of us, don’t be an asshole.